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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I know I was unreasonable...but given this don’t I have the right to be?

321 replies

Unreasonablebutjustified · 01/04/2018 12:08

I have been verbally abused and shouted all all morning. It is my own fault but I had my reasons. A bit of background before the incident: My Boyfriends brother is four years younger than him (27) and to put it bluntly - is lazy, hasn’t held down any lengthy or meaningful jobs, unlucky in life etc but is also seen as the angelic golden child by his parents compared to my bf who is naturally ambitious. My bf even gave him one of his old suits for one of his (many) jobs before and he didn’t even give anything towards it even though it was expensive. He’s not a bad person at all but just doesn’t really try hard with anything, no drive and just expects people to give him hand outs and help him all the time.

He recently broke up with yet another girlfriend (surprise surprise...said nobody) and this morning rang my bfs mobile at 8 o clock in the morning. Hungover. Turns out he had been to the pub last night. I could even hear him slurring a few of his words, practically couldn’t make out what he was talking about. He was asking if he could borrow £20. I kept telling my bf no and to hang up and he was trying to interrupt the conversation but the brother was just not listening. In the end I physically took his phone off him and ended the call myself.

I have now found myself being shouted at all morning and have been told that if he chooses to lend his brother money then he will. I said “Lend? You won’t be getting it back.” I am really angry but he is blaming me. Yes, ending the phone call was a little bit rude but I am tired of us always helping him out. If it was a two way street I could understand and be more sympathetic but it’s not. For instance: We always buy him a lovely birthday present on his birthday and a Christmas present at Christmas but he only buys cards for us for our birthdays (sometimes he forgets mine and I don’t even get a card) and for Christmas just a box of chocolates (Cadbury’s - nothing special) I said last Christmas after another predictable box of chocolates that we’re not getting anything for him next year and nothing for his birthday either.

Yes I know I was unreasonable regarding the phone call. I think we can all admit that. But am I BU to be over how I feel about the brother constantly taking advtange of us? I keep trying to explain but he’s having none of it and I just feel like my opinion is not being listened to and I’m made out to be in the wrong.

OP posts:

MrMeSeeks · 01/04/2018 17:23

Also think About how your partner is feeling.
You’re putting him in a really hard place, between you and his brother.

TheDogHasEatenIt · 01/04/2018 17:23

You still don't get it do you?
Can you explain to us why you get to decide how your bf spends his own money? I understand you don't approve of his choice to give / lend it to his brother, but why does that trump his desire to give it?

seven201 · 01/04/2018 17:25

Yabu. Stay out of it

FittonTower · 01/04/2018 17:30

My sister is in her 40s and she's in a bit of a mess, i give her money occasionally and my DH doesn't much like it because she's not great with money and wastes it. But he keeps that oppinion to himself apart from the odd eye roll because, despite shared finances, its my decision and shes my sister. We wont lose our house because i give my sister £20 now and again and if my husband threw a huge strop about it I'd tell him he was fucking ridiculous too. Or stop talking to him entirely. Which seems to be what your bf has done. Sensible chap.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 01/04/2018 17:32

I’m disappointed that nobody can see my side of things

Don't be disappointed. Spend the time that you're sat sulking, not talking to anyone, to reflect on what everyone has said. We can see your side. We can see that it may be frustrating to see your partner constantly lend money. But your behaviour is totally unreasonable; and very controlling.

Reflect on that instead of arguing that we're all wrong; and learn from it. Then make a proper apology to your partner and move on. In the long run, this will effect your relationship if you don't.

VladmirsPoutine · 01/04/2018 17:49

I think you're pushing the limits of goadyness now... just a thought... tone it down a notch

TheVeryHungryDieter · 01/04/2018 17:59

Look, everyone here sees your point. The brother is a useless scrounger. That's fine. You're absolutely entitled to that opinion and I dare say you're probably entirely correct.

The problem isn't what you think, or your point of view.

It's how you acted. You crossed a line interfering with your partner's phone call and in his relationship with his brother. You've voiced your opinion and he knows it. But acting on it is up to him, and if he chooses not to, it's not your place to enforce the rules of his relationship with his brother.

Toffeelatteplease · 01/04/2018 18:37

You realise sulking if you don't get your way us also emotionally abusive...

lalalalyra · 01/04/2018 18:49

Update: We were at his cousins house where the brother stopped by and he give him £20. I didn’t say anything but I was beyond livid. I know it’s not the amount but the principle that counts (or doesn’t, in this scenario). Currently sat alone not speaking to anyone.

So, not only are you punishing your partner for giving money to his brother (which is emotionally abusive btw), you are being spectacularly rude to his cousin who is hosting you?

What principle is it that you are trying to prove here OP?

stitchglitched · 01/04/2018 18:54

Currently sat alone not speaking to anyone

Grow up you big baby.

VodkaRusschian · 01/04/2018 18:54

I've been married for donkeys years. If my dh physically took away my phone and hung up on one of my family I would be rethinking the whole thing. It's crossing the line in a big way, and there's no coming back after something like that.

ilovesooty · 01/04/2018 19:01

I'm surprised your boyfriend hasn't already kicked this relationship into the middle of next week quite frankly.

You demonstrate a total lack of self awareness or maturity and you have no respect for him or his family.

I can't imagine why he'd want to stay with you.

LeighaJ · 01/04/2018 19:06

Unreasonablebutjustified
"I see nobody sees my point. Predictable. But not surprising."

Ever heard the saying that "If you think everyone else is the jerk, then you're probably actually the jerk."?

ShawshanksRedemption · 01/04/2018 19:34

Currently sat alone not speaking to anyone.
This is now YOUR problem OP. You have to deal with your feelings over this. It's driving you nuts, but it's wrong of you to force your DP to do what you want. You've either got to accept this is how your DP is or move on (before your anger at the situation blows up).
My own DH feels like you at some of my family members, but it's not his battle to fight, the same as it's not yours. I can understand you feel your DP is being taken advantage of, but you are overstepping the mark by then trying to take control. That's not fair on your DP.

seventh · 01/04/2018 19:43

This is a DM journo. Got to be.

NotACleverName · 01/04/2018 19:47

I tried to see your point, OP, but I couldn't get my head that far up my arse.

Currently sat alone not speaking to anyone.

Are you actually 13 years old?

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 01/04/2018 19:49

Making a big thing of not talking to anyone at a family gathering is a bit absurd. Perhaps sighing dramatically? Gazing out of the window with a pained expression like Marlene Dietrich.

People aren't mind readers. Most people there probably haven't noticed or are assuming you have a sore throat or are worried about where you've parked the car or something

BettyBaggins · 01/04/2018 19:49

You sound jealous and judgemental. The brother is 23 and sounds entirely normal. Why are you jealous of your DP's brother?

TheDogHasEatenIt · 01/04/2018 20:15

@ilostit

incywincybitofa · 01/04/2018 20:35

You are alone
And even if you don't get anyone else's point here please read and re-read mzcracker Sun 01-Apr-18 16:51:47 if you still don't get it, then what ever will be, will be

buckeejit · 01/04/2018 20:41

Yabu & not justified. Your 'evidence' against him is mostly judgemental & nasty. You don't know what it's like to be him & do not need to be in the middle of your bf's relationship to his brother. It's not seriously affecting you as far as I can see other than pissing you off.

Have you apologised to both of them for your behaviour? If not, Id suggest you start there & be thankful that you are able to help him out if it's actually any of your money that is doing so. Discussions about boundaries for their relationship are best done at a time when there isn't a crisis going on & emotions aren't running high

Oddcat · 01/04/2018 20:42

It probably is annoying that the brother borrows money but your actions are far worse .

NicoleSalski · 01/04/2018 20:42

I started typing out a long response to this but deleted it as quickly realised you're one of those people who doesn't listen to a word anyone else is saying. You sound like a silly little brat who didn't get her way and has no understanding of freedom in relationships. Stop being a bellend and grow up!

Oddcat · 01/04/2018 20:46

Currently sat alone not speaking to anyone.

I bet his family love you !

WellThisIsShit · 01/04/2018 20:52

Oh dear, are you really being this blinkered and silly? Hopefully you come over better in real life!

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