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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I was unreasonable...but given this don’t I have the right to be?

321 replies

Unreasonablebutjustified · 01/04/2018 12:08

I have been verbally abused and shouted all all morning. It is my own fault but I had my reasons. A bit of background before the incident: My Boyfriends brother is four years younger than him (27) and to put it bluntly - is lazy, hasn’t held down any lengthy or meaningful jobs, unlucky in life etc but is also seen as the angelic golden child by his parents compared to my bf who is naturally ambitious. My bf even gave him one of his old suits for one of his (many) jobs before and he didn’t even give anything towards it even though it was expensive. He’s not a bad person at all but just doesn’t really try hard with anything, no drive and just expects people to give him hand outs and help him all the time.

He recently broke up with yet another girlfriend (surprise surprise...said nobody) and this morning rang my bfs mobile at 8 o clock in the morning. Hungover. Turns out he had been to the pub last night. I could even hear him slurring a few of his words, practically couldn’t make out what he was talking about. He was asking if he could borrow £20. I kept telling my bf no and to hang up and he was trying to interrupt the conversation but the brother was just not listening. In the end I physically took his phone off him and ended the call myself.

I have now found myself being shouted at all morning and have been told that if he chooses to lend his brother money then he will. I said “Lend? You won’t be getting it back.” I am really angry but he is blaming me. Yes, ending the phone call was a little bit rude but I am tired of us always helping him out. If it was a two way street I could understand and be more sympathetic but it’s not. For instance: We always buy him a lovely birthday present on his birthday and a Christmas present at Christmas but he only buys cards for us for our birthdays (sometimes he forgets mine and I don’t even get a card) and for Christmas just a box of chocolates (Cadbury’s - nothing special) I said last Christmas after another predictable box of chocolates that we’re not getting anything for him next year and nothing for his birthday either.

Yes I know I was unreasonable regarding the phone call. I think we can all admit that. But am I BU to be over how I feel about the brother constantly taking advtange of us? I keep trying to explain but he’s having none of it and I just feel like my opinion is not being listened to and I’m made out to be in the wrong.

OP posts:
witchofzog · 01/04/2018 12:28

But Toffee is right. It IS controlling to do this. You can voice your opinion privately to your bf but you should have stayed out of it. It is your bf's choice whether to lend money or not.

And you sound a bit grabby yourself to be honest. If someone can only afford a box of Cadbury chocolate then that is all they can afford. There is no need to be sneery about it. And I have never expected my partners brothers to buy me gifts or really acknowledge my birthday. Even my ex dp's brother who I was with for 14 years.

Raven88 · 01/04/2018 12:28

I don't see your point at all. You sound controlling. No wonder he is angry. That's his brother. He can help him out if he wants.

Megatron · 01/04/2018 12:28

Are your finances joint?

Do you have children?

What has he been calling you?

DeathStare · 01/04/2018 12:28

I’m not trying to change anything

You want to change when your boyfriend speaks to his brother - and demonstrated this by controlling the situation so your boyfriend had no choice.

You want to change whether or not your boyfriend chooses to lend his brother his (not your) money

You want to change what your boyfriend buys his brother for birthdays and Christmas.

just trying to make him see my point

He's seen your point. He disagrees. This is HIS relationship with HIS brother. It's HIS choice. stop trying to control him.

Original poster
Unreasonablebutjustified · 01/04/2018 12:28

Megatron To be fair verbally abusive was the wrong term, he is not like that at all, he has been shouting at me and saying things like “fucking ridiculous” but I’m still hurt by it

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 01/04/2018 12:28

YABU
It isn’t your decision if your bf lends his brother money unless it’s going to have an impact on you.

However, when things have calmed down perhaps have a chat with you bf about the fact that his brother has no incentive to grow up and take control of his live if Avery one keeps bailing him out.

Given DB is the golden child I wondered if your bf is more worried about how his parents will react if DB goes whinging to the about his mean brother who won’t even lend him £20.

Lacucuracha · 01/04/2018 12:29

I think YABU (unless you dripfeed more detail)

Presumably the £20 is coming from BF's own money and not a joint account? If yes, then it is his money and he can give his brother the odd £20 if he wishes. If it was £100 then maybe that would be different.

It was very rude to take your BF's phone and end the call, not a 'bit rude'. And very controlling. If a man did that here, we would all rightly be up in arms.

You can't dictate whether or not your BF gets his brother Bday/Xmas presents. I get that the DB is a cheeky fucker but it is BF's decision, NOT yours. Just stop putting input into the presents.

Overall, you do sound a bit controlling. And you are a GF, not a wife. His brother will potentially be in his life a lot longer then you.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 01/04/2018 12:29

life not live

KinkyAfro · 01/04/2018 12:29

You are bang out of order and grabby expecting presents, you're not a child, although you're acting like one. The only person in the wrong in this scenario is you

Queenofthestress · 01/04/2018 12:29

I am genuinely surprised that this is the first time he's lost his shit at you.
He shouldn't, but I'm surprised he hasn't before

GandalfTheGoat · 01/04/2018 12:30

How long have you been together?

Birdsgottafly · 01/04/2018 12:30

I agree with Toffee and the other posters who say that you were massively out of order.

You shouldn't have got involved with the phone call what-so-ever.

Unless you have joint finances and money is being taken out of them, it it is nothing to do with you what help your BF gives his Brother.

His Brother could be still drunk somewhere and needing help. it's not up to you to decide who your BF can speak to on a phone.

Either accept the situation, or get out of the relationship.

Megatron · 01/04/2018 12:30

I'm sorry OP, but I totally see why your boyfriend lost his shit and said you were being 'fucking ridiculous'. Perhaps he's the one feeling hurt that you basically made a fool of him and clearly don't like his brother. Can you not see that?

Lacucuracha · 01/04/2018 12:31

No one ever has the right to be controlling / abusive.

TabbyMack · 01/04/2018 12:31

Who on earth gave you the right to tell your BF what he should or shouldn’t get his brother for Christmas? And then to snatch away a telephone mid-conversation?

You sound like a right bossy control freak. Get fucking over yourself.

sinceyouask · 01/04/2018 12:31

I'd be so angry with my dh if he took a phone off me and ended a call I was on. So, so angry. Even if you do have a point re his brother (and tbh I'm not sure you have much of a one) the fact that you did that has placed you so firmly in the wrong that you have no chance now of making it.

AgentProvocateur · 01/04/2018 12:31

You sound like a controlling bully, TBH. If I were your BF, I’d be reconsidering the relationship.

DeathStare · 01/04/2018 12:31

I know I was unreasonable but he is also?

What exactly is it that you think he's done that's unreasonable? All he has done is not allow you to control his relationship with his brother. Sounds very sensible to me. And if you continued trying to be so controlling it would be very sensible for him to leave you. Nothing your boyfriend has done in this is unreasonable at all.

Birdsgottafly · 01/04/2018 12:31

To answer your question. No, you don't have the right to be. Your BF doesn't lose all of his rights just because you are his GF.

seventh · 01/04/2018 12:32

What a complete over reaction Toffee

You think @Toffeelatteplease OVER reacted?

I think @Toffeelatteplease could have gone further.

You sound so controlling that you might be verging on OCD.

Watch my lips

THIS IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

ElspethFlashman · 01/04/2018 12:33

But you were being fucking ridiculous. Its none of your fucking business.

ToriRay · 01/04/2018 12:33

I would give my sister clothes for work if she needed it, and not expect a penny. She's my sister. I'd lend her money if I could afford to. She's my sister. I would encourage and support her to become more responsible if necessary, but I would do this with love, without resentment and hopefully it would help her. She's my sister. Quite frankly if my partner took my phone off me and ended a call, I would be furious. Sounds like the biggest issues between your boyf and his brothers relationship could be you.

stitchglitched · 01/04/2018 12:33

YABU. If my DP took the phone off me when I was speaking to my family I would be furious. And why on earth do you care, or is it even any of your business, if he choses to give his brother some of his old clothes?

LML83 · 01/04/2018 12:34

yabu.

It's his brother and his money to give. Don't talk to someone on the phone never mind hang up.

abigailsnan · 01/04/2018 12:34

You where totally out of order ending the phone call and interferring between brothers it could lead to a major fall out between the two of them which is not fair at all.