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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I was unreasonable...but given this don’t I have the right to be?

321 replies

Unreasonablebutjustified · 01/04/2018 12:08

I have been verbally abused and shouted all all morning. It is my own fault but I had my reasons. A bit of background before the incident: My Boyfriends brother is four years younger than him (27) and to put it bluntly - is lazy, hasn’t held down any lengthy or meaningful jobs, unlucky in life etc but is also seen as the angelic golden child by his parents compared to my bf who is naturally ambitious. My bf even gave him one of his old suits for one of his (many) jobs before and he didn’t even give anything towards it even though it was expensive. He’s not a bad person at all but just doesn’t really try hard with anything, no drive and just expects people to give him hand outs and help him all the time.

He recently broke up with yet another girlfriend (surprise surprise...said nobody) and this morning rang my bfs mobile at 8 o clock in the morning. Hungover. Turns out he had been to the pub last night. I could even hear him slurring a few of his words, practically couldn’t make out what he was talking about. He was asking if he could borrow £20. I kept telling my bf no and to hang up and he was trying to interrupt the conversation but the brother was just not listening. In the end I physically took his phone off him and ended the call myself.

I have now found myself being shouted at all morning and have been told that if he chooses to lend his brother money then he will. I said “Lend? You won’t be getting it back.” I am really angry but he is blaming me. Yes, ending the phone call was a little bit rude but I am tired of us always helping him out. If it was a two way street I could understand and be more sympathetic but it’s not. For instance: We always buy him a lovely birthday present on his birthday and a Christmas present at Christmas but he only buys cards for us for our birthdays (sometimes he forgets mine and I don’t even get a card) and for Christmas just a box of chocolates (Cadbury’s - nothing special) I said last Christmas after another predictable box of chocolates that we’re not getting anything for him next year and nothing for his birthday either.

Yes I know I was unreasonable regarding the phone call. I think we can all admit that. But am I BU to be over how I feel about the brother constantly taking advtange of us? I keep trying to explain but he’s having none of it and I just feel like my opinion is not being listened to and I’m made out to be in the wrong.

OP posts:
GinIsIn · 01/04/2018 20:53

To be fair, from the snapshot of OP’s character here, them not speaking to anyone is probably a relief for all concerned.... Easter Hmm

OP if this is an April Fool it’s not funny and if you are for real, you need to seek help for your controlling behaviour before this is an ex boyfriend.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 01/04/2018 21:21

Not everyone is controlled by someone's behaviour. Maybe op is a bit sulky but perhaps by isn't bothered by it. I'd think the most likely thing here is op believed she was protecting and helping bf. He didn't like it so you should apologise. I've got the useless bil to. Nice guy but not achieving much really. Luckily my dh would never lend him money as we both know where it would go!

RunYouJuiceBitch · 01/04/2018 21:26

I lend or give money to my sister all the time. It's none of my DH's business.

Unless your bf is lending/giving his brother your money, I'd argue it's none of your business either.

Voice0fReason · 01/04/2018 21:51

You sound like a complete nightmare and I hope your bf sees sense and leaves you. He deserves so much better.

Stargazer1980 · 01/04/2018 21:54

It sounds like your less concerned about the money but more about the relationship between the two brothers. It stinks of jealousy to me. You don’t like the fact he looks out for his younger brother, which most women would find an attractive trait.

Original poster
Unreasonablebutjustified · 01/04/2018 21:54

I have apologised for cutting the call. I didn’t have any right to do that and if someone did that to me I would be raging. I still feel I am right in the fact I was protecting my bf. Not the hanging up the phone part that was out of order but it may have been £20 this time but if I hadn’t been persistent in telling hi: brother to give the money back each time he (frequently) borrowed money he would be facing a much bigger loss.

OP posts:
Beckyd1 · 01/04/2018 21:59

I find it hilarious you said his brothrr was trying to intterupt the convo... lmao he was on the phone to his brother. U itterupted the convo!!!
Your abusive and have control issues. Blood runs thicker then water. Just saying.

Original poster
Unreasonablebutjustified · 01/04/2018 22:03

No Beckyd1 I meant my bf’s brother was rambling and I was whispering to my bf to hang up and he was trying to interrupt his brothers rambling but he didn’t stop and that’s when I ended the call (yes I know it was bad now and have apologised)

OP posts:
MadMags · 01/04/2018 22:07

This isn’t real...I bet you £20! Grin

Oddcat · 01/04/2018 22:08

I was whispering to my boyfriend to hang up ...

That has to be one of the most irritating things anyone can do imo. I can't stand it when someone tries to tell me what to do or say when I'm on the phone - just let me have a conversation!

Glad you apologised.

Rachie1973 · 01/04/2018 22:11

Unreasonablebutjustified
Currently sat alone not speaking to anyone

Ah will be nice and peaceful for everyone else at least

Rachie1973 · 01/04/2018 22:12

protecting my bf

Does he tell you he needs protecting? Its £20, not 2 black eyes and a broken nose ffs

Take the cue from him!

RebelRogue · 01/04/2018 22:14

@Unreasonablebutjustified is your partner underage? Does he have learning difficulties? Is he mentally unwell?
What makes you think he wants or needs your protection?(especially when it's forced on him)

NeedsAsockamnesty · 01/04/2018 22:14

You know that sulking is abusive as well don’t you?

eridanus · 01/04/2018 22:21

OP, I can see your point, from your perspective his brother is just taking advantage and maybe not doing enough for himself. And there are a lot of people who kind of freewheel off others as long as they can and I would be annoyed also. You have a valid point in your perception of the situation and are being protective of the one you love. But the only person who can change anything in the situation is your DP and he has to do it himself. Like a lot of situations in life, it has to come from within the person themselves.

Someone else telling them is never going to make them feel good or feel in control and we all want to know we are making our own decisions. He may well say stuff about his brother that is unkind ot give out horribly about him but he is sounding off to you and you can give input but don’t slag the brother off back to him; don’t underestimate how much he loves him and is just letting off steam and the whole situation could turn on you if you attack the brother.

You did well in apologising and a few hours to calm down and to get perspective does help (I often think when situations are heated, just put it in the mental freezer for a few hours, though in my case maybe a day! :)) Just because we love someone and want the best for them does not let us own any part of them. Good luck and take a non-involved attitude tomorrow, it will all be ok.

Momo18 · 01/04/2018 22:21

You sound very over baring. It's simply not normal to be so angry about his brother, are you jealous of their closeness? It's strange you were annoyed he gave him an old suit it's bloody rude and controlling snatching the phone from him like that. If you want your bf to be for keeps you need to knock the obsession with his brother on the head, but tbh I doubt your controlling ways are limited to his brother...

Fattymcfaterson · 01/04/2018 22:38

Well you won't have to worry about it soon. As I doubt you'll have a boyfriend for much longer Grin

lostjanni · 01/04/2018 22:40

Hope your bf gets out if your abusive grip.

Voice0fReason · 01/04/2018 23:08

I still feel I am right in the fact I was protecting my bf.
Your bf is an adult, you have absolutely no right to interfere in this way. He can decide for himself what relationship he has with his own brother. There is nothing protective about your behaviour, it is controlling and abusive. You sound jealous and possessive.

beardedlobster · 01/04/2018 23:23

You are being massively unreasonable.
My sister is a complete pain in the arse, is always getting into some sort of trouble and asking for help but you know what she is my sister and I help her. If my DH every interferes with that I would be beyond angry.
This is not costing you money if your bf wants to help his brother that has no bearing on you. Stop being so controlling. This can only end badly for you.

eridanus · 01/04/2018 23:48

Nothing like telling a person over and over again they were wrong, finally the Op comes back and has apologised and is still slated. Is there anyone in this mumsnet world who can just say, well it's not what you were going to do this morning, but you have progressed and made the apology that everyone told you, you should make and well done for coming this far.

Is there not a single person who realise that telling a person they are wrong over and over and over just further entrenches them in a fight for their point of view? And thus is not helpful.

RebelRogue · 01/04/2018 23:53

@eridanus maybe the fact that OP still insists he was right and just "protecting " his boyfriend makes the apology a bit meh. He probably won't do the phone thing again,but he'll find something else because he's "right".

Bossbaby12 · 02/04/2018 00:01

So many ridiculous and over the top comments on here!! OP has already said they knew that taking the phone off of their boyfriend was wrong but that's all anyone is focusing on! The fact that people are labelling them as 'unhinged' and 'abusive' is almost laughable. Complete overreaction.

gingergenius · 02/04/2018 00:03

@Unreasonablebutjustified I'm glad that you've apologised. If my bf did that and then said 'I'm really sorry I did xyz, but I did it to protect you. I did it because I wanted to keep you safe and wanted other people not to take advantage of you' I'd still be pissed off. Because it makes the assumption that I am not capable of fighting my battles AND/OR you feel the need to fight my battles for me.

Neither of those scenarios is particularly healthy but it's easy to fall into a default pattern of behaviour.

Obvs none of us know your relationship dynamic but I think you maybe need to talk and clear the air?

eridanus · 02/04/2018 00:05

Fair enough @RebelRogue, maybe if the OP posts another response, that will be telling. I just see it as 200+ telling you you are a wrong and a small step in the right direction should be encouraged, rather than continuing shit being thrown at him.

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