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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I know I was unreasonable...but given this don’t I have the right to be?

321 replies

Unreasonablebutjustified · 01/04/2018 12:08

I have been verbally abused and shouted all all morning. It is my own fault but I had my reasons. A bit of background before the incident: My Boyfriends brother is four years younger than him (27) and to put it bluntly - is lazy, hasn’t held down any lengthy or meaningful jobs, unlucky in life etc but is also seen as the angelic golden child by his parents compared to my bf who is naturally ambitious. My bf even gave him one of his old suits for one of his (many) jobs before and he didn’t even give anything towards it even though it was expensive. He’s not a bad person at all but just doesn’t really try hard with anything, no drive and just expects people to give him hand outs and help him all the time.

He recently broke up with yet another girlfriend (surprise surprise...said nobody) and this morning rang my bfs mobile at 8 o clock in the morning. Hungover. Turns out he had been to the pub last night. I could even hear him slurring a few of his words, practically couldn’t make out what he was talking about. He was asking if he could borrow £20. I kept telling my bf no and to hang up and he was trying to interrupt the conversation but the brother was just not listening. In the end I physically took his phone off him and ended the call myself.

I have now found myself being shouted at all morning and have been told that if he chooses to lend his brother money then he will. I said “Lend? You won’t be getting it back.” I am really angry but he is blaming me. Yes, ending the phone call was a little bit rude but I am tired of us always helping him out. If it was a two way street I could understand and be more sympathetic but it’s not. For instance: We always buy him a lovely birthday present on his birthday and a Christmas present at Christmas but he only buys cards for us for our birthdays (sometimes he forgets mine and I don’t even get a card) and for Christmas just a box of chocolates (Cadbury’s - nothing special) I said last Christmas after another predictable box of chocolates that we’re not getting anything for him next year and nothing for his birthday either.

Yes I know I was unreasonable regarding the phone call. I think we can all admit that. But am I BU to be over how I feel about the brother constantly taking advtange of us? I keep trying to explain but he’s having none of it and I just feel like my opinion is not being listened to and I’m made out to be in the wrong.

OP posts:

Blit · 02/04/2018 12:27

Well you may not be his boyfriend for much longer if you behave like this.

His brother will still be his brother though.

CertainlyChoco · 02/04/2018 15:00

People are so determined to rip OP a new one. Until you do have a BIL/SIL which is an utter loser whom the rest of the family has to bail out often, I don't think you'd understand OP's situation. I'm lucky my asshole of a BIL does not ask for money yet, but give it time.

liveandletbe · 02/04/2018 15:52

@RadioGaGoo oh aren'yt you sooooo witty and sooooo funny, embarrassed for you. Cringey much. ahhhhhhh sorry no emoticon fits.

liveandletbe · 02/04/2018 15:54

go on girl, go for the grammar, it is all you have.

Lacucuracha · 02/04/2018 16:19

@liveandletbe are you feeling ok?

I thought it was a pretty good summary by @RadioGaGoo

RebelRogue · 02/04/2018 16:31

Wtf?

Technonan · 02/04/2018 16:58

I would go absolutely spare if my dh interrupted my phone call to a family member and took the phone off me. To be honest, I think it would be a relationship breaker. I would not accept being told whether I could buy presents for my family, or when I could talk to them. You need to do some hard thinking.

Original poster

Unreasonablebutjustified · 02/04/2018 17:11

Technonan

I have apologised for that and accept it was wrong. I was just trying to help him not being taken advantage of. He’s still not pleased with me today. After reading this thread I accept I could be wrong and he is right to feel that way but apart from the phone I don’t see anything what I did was wrong.

A little bit off the mark, yes HighwayDragon1 Not Hand to mouth and not every week but fairly frequently but I have been told by many on here notto get involved so I will try and just not say anything in future. He is considered the golden child as in anything he wants he gets but I don’t mean that to mean they are horrible or neglectful to my bf because they are not at all.

I don’t know the other posters name who asked this but no, we don’t share joint finances. So does that mean if we did share finances then I wouldnt be unreasonable in doing what I did?

OP posts:

Birdsgottafly · 02/04/2018 17:18

"I don’t know the other posters name who asked this but no, we don’t share joint finances. So does that mean if we did share finances then I wouldnt be unreasonable in doing what I did?"

It would still make you out of order for trying to Police his contact with his Brother. But you could state that any money given has to come out of his 'fun money' and then it would still be his business.

You can't dictate if a relative helps out a close relative, unless it directly effects you. you aren't in charge.

Birdsgottafly · 02/04/2018 17:19

"If a Partner helps out a close relative".

Imsosceptical · 02/04/2018 17:24

Very very unreasonable. Don’t go there, it’s his money, it’s his brother, he loaned a suit to his brother and you think he should have paid/given something? You’re going into dangerous territory, don’t force him to choose, you may not like the choice he makes and unfortunately your posts seems to me like your email moving down that dodgy road.....

Northernparent68 · 02/04/2018 17:27

Op, this thread has 13 pages, and most of the posts say you were wrong to
1.end the call

Tell your bf his brother could n’t have presents
Tell your bf what he does with his money

In other words all the 3 things you did were wrong. If your finances were shared you would have a say in how the money is spent, but everything else would still be wrong.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 02/04/2018 17:43

Unreasonablebutjustified I’m sure I asked about finances. It is a little bit different if money is joint. Like someone above has said it would need to then come out of his “fun money” you still don’t get to dictate though. The only time I reckon you would have any say at all is if your partner was taking the money for his brother from your money that you have earned and not replacing it. You will never get to tell him not to speak to his brother though. Why does it matter if he uses his own money on his brother? Are you worried he won’t be spending it on you? As long as bills are paid and you are treated with respect why does what he spends his money on matter to you? It shouldn’t. You aren’t his keeper and you aren’t the sole earner, even then you couldn’t dictate and withhold money from him. It’s his brother, why do you hate him so? You said his brother is treated as the golden child but then said they treat your partner the same, so which is it? I don’t think you know enough of the situation to cast any judgment and I think you do not know enough because you don’t come across willing to talk and discuss without sounding controlling or abusive. Maybe you should end the relationship if it causes such stress.

Original poster

Unreasonablebutjustified · 02/04/2018 17:57

@QuackPorridgeBacon

Not even going to justify that ^ with a response. So off the mark. A lot of people here seeming to take gleeful delight in recommending that my relationship breaks up or hoping that I get dumped.

OP posts:

QuackPorridgeBacon · 02/04/2018 18:02

Unreasonablebutjustified There is your issue. I don’t take delight in ending relationships, in fact it’s not something I really say on here but you have been given plenty of advice and refuse to take any. You also state you are trying to protect him and you do not think you are in the wrong, which plenty of us on here disagree with as we can see that you are in be wrong. If you do not like how he is with his brother and it’s too much for you to handle and you have acted in a controlling manner and I would say abuse with regards to the phone incident, then maybe you shouldn’t be together. That’s your choice to make and I worded it as such. You have twisted one part of my comment and completely disregarded he rest of it. You are selfish and beyond helpful advice. Why on earth did you post here?

UndomesticHousewife · 02/04/2018 18:18

I am married and I wouldn’t do this to my husband. Being married has nothing to do with it it’s just basic respect for the other person.
If my husband did this to me I’d be furious and I’d say a lot more than he’s being fucking ridiculous!

TempusEejit · 02/04/2018 18:45

OP you could well be a controlling arse but tbh I would be very surprised if there wasn't a back story involving lots of other resentments in your relationship dynamic and this particular incident is the straw that broke the camel's back. This doesn't make your reaction right but I sense you are already at the end of your tether.

Take a step back emotionally and all the time there are no joint finances being affected let your BF own his relationship with his brother. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Voice0fReason · 02/04/2018 21:18

I was just trying to help him not being taken advantage of.
It's not your intent that is the big problem, it's your actions. If you were genuinely concerned and you had any respect for your bf, you would have discussed the situation with him like adults do. You opted for taking control of him (for his own good). You have no respect for him.

After reading this thread I accept I could be wrong and he is right to feel that way but apart from the phone I don’t see anything what I did was wrong.
So you haven't accepted anything at all really. You already knew you were wrong to take the phone.

postcardsfrom · 20/05/2018 10:42

You sound like a total drama llama to me. Most people would choose their own brother over a boyfriend if it comes down to it so i’d Start treating them both with a bit more respect unless you’re Hoping to be single.

Dancingmonkey87 · 20/05/2018 10:56

If you do continue this behaviour op you are in endanger of being dumped if you expect him to choose between you and his brother which in effect your doing. I say this regardless if you were male or female your orientation has not bearing on the advice myself and posters have given it’s still the same.

TheMonkeyMummy · 21/05/2018 07:15

Read this thread after reading your second (If that makes sense) and I agree with everyone else... you sound unhinged and need a reality check. I am amazed your girlfriend hasn't told you where to go, tbh

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