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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I was unreasonable...but given this don’t I have the right to be?

321 replies

Unreasonablebutjustified · 01/04/2018 12:08

I have been verbally abused and shouted all all morning. It is my own fault but I had my reasons. A bit of background before the incident: My Boyfriends brother is four years younger than him (27) and to put it bluntly - is lazy, hasn’t held down any lengthy or meaningful jobs, unlucky in life etc but is also seen as the angelic golden child by his parents compared to my bf who is naturally ambitious. My bf even gave him one of his old suits for one of his (many) jobs before and he didn’t even give anything towards it even though it was expensive. He’s not a bad person at all but just doesn’t really try hard with anything, no drive and just expects people to give him hand outs and help him all the time.

He recently broke up with yet another girlfriend (surprise surprise...said nobody) and this morning rang my bfs mobile at 8 o clock in the morning. Hungover. Turns out he had been to the pub last night. I could even hear him slurring a few of his words, practically couldn’t make out what he was talking about. He was asking if he could borrow £20. I kept telling my bf no and to hang up and he was trying to interrupt the conversation but the brother was just not listening. In the end I physically took his phone off him and ended the call myself.

I have now found myself being shouted at all morning and have been told that if he chooses to lend his brother money then he will. I said “Lend? You won’t be getting it back.” I am really angry but he is blaming me. Yes, ending the phone call was a little bit rude but I am tired of us always helping him out. If it was a two way street I could understand and be more sympathetic but it’s not. For instance: We always buy him a lovely birthday present on his birthday and a Christmas present at Christmas but he only buys cards for us for our birthdays (sometimes he forgets mine and I don’t even get a card) and for Christmas just a box of chocolates (Cadbury’s - nothing special) I said last Christmas after another predictable box of chocolates that we’re not getting anything for him next year and nothing for his birthday either.

Yes I know I was unreasonable regarding the phone call. I think we can all admit that. But am I BU to be over how I feel about the brother constantly taking advtange of us? I keep trying to explain but he’s having none of it and I just feel like my opinion is not being listened to and I’m made out to be in the wrong.

OP posts:
AgnesBrownsCat · 01/04/2018 12:14

You are both being childish .
His brother is 23 and still has some growing up to do . Your brain stops growing at 25 .
Let him lend money to whoever he wants and keep out of arguments in the future , you can’t change this so don’t try to .

Toffeelatteplease · 01/04/2018 12:19

You actually took the phone off him and ended the call?!?! Who do you think you are!

That's really controlling behaviour. You have the right to an opinion. You may even be correct. You don't have a right to make someone do what you want whether you are right or wrong.

Original poster
Unreasonablebutjustified · 01/04/2018 12:20

I’m not trying to change anything Agnes just trying to make him see my point. But I can see how we have both been childish

OP posts:
Original poster
Unreasonablebutjustified · 01/04/2018 12:20

What a complete over reaction Toffee Hmm

OP posts:
Queenofthestress · 01/04/2018 12:21

If your bf wants to help his brother than that's his choice. Unless your finances are joined, or you have kids, it's his choice. You're not married, or anything so you don't really have a say, sorry.

kaytee87 · 01/04/2018 12:22

You say 'boyfriend' so I'm assuming you don't have joint finances. What's it got to do with you if he lends his brother £20?

My DH and I do have joint finances and if my brother phoned me asking to borrow money if my DH took the phone and hung it up I'd be absolutely furious

DeathStare · 01/04/2018 12:22

Wow. Yes you are being unreasonable and controlling.

Taking your OH's phone off him and hanging up is way over the line and if a partner did that to me it would raise serious red flags.

He asked to borrow £20 - off your OH not you. Unless there is some massive dripfeed coming (like that you are both penniless and can't afford to eat today) then that really is up to your OH whether he lends him this or not.

You say his brother doesn't have meaningful jobs and yet you get pissed off when he doesn't treat you on your birthdays the way you treat him. He probably can't afford it. If you aren't happy with the inequity then you (not your OH) are free to contribute less (or nothing) to his present. It is not up to you however to dictate your OH's relationship with his brother.

You need to back off.

gamerwidow · 01/04/2018 12:23

I agree with toffee absolutely not your place to dictate when your bf ends a phone call to his brother. Yes maybe he shouldn't lend him money but that's his decision to make not yours. His relationship with his brother has nothing to do with you.

Queenofthestress · 01/04/2018 12:23

And in all fairness, if my bf had took the phone off me during a call to my family then I would loose my nuts as well. It is controlling to be frank. You physically made him do something he did not obviously want to do.

Toffeelatteplease · 01/04/2018 12:23

In your opinion.

Perhaps you should take the phone off me so I can't type my disagreement.....

Nicknacky · 01/04/2018 12:24

You have decided your boyfriends brother has to get nothing for his birthday?! Just leave that up to your boyfriend to decide, I’ve never got involved with his side of the families present buying.

And it’s entirely up to him if he lends him money and you were bang out of order today and very controlling.

VladmirsPoutine · 01/04/2018 12:24

I'd honestly advise your boyfriend to break-up with you over your actions. Your boyfriend is right - if he chooses to lend his brother money then it's his prerogative. You've been a lot worse than unreasonable.

DeathStare · 01/04/2018 12:24

Oh and I also think you are being unreasonable expecting his brother to pay for an old suit your OH gave him for a job. Isn't giving a less well-off friend/relative an old suit so they can get a job the kind of thing someone does just to be kind and supportive? If your OH wanted payment for the suit he should have made that clear from the outset (but again, that's none of your business)

Cynara · 01/04/2018 12:24

I cannot believe you think you're in the right about this. The relationship between your bf and his brother is not for you to police and control.

Nothisispatrick · 01/04/2018 12:24

Yea you were rude and unreasonable. Don't get him a lovely birthday and Christmas present then, I'm sure he won't really care. I don't get my DP's 4 brothers birthday presents and we maybe do a joint present at Christmas.

PeerieBreeks · 01/04/2018 12:25

You think that your OH giving his brother second hand clothes and not getting money for them is the brother taking advantage?

Think for a moment about how you would feel if one of your family was on the phone needing a loan of a small amount of cash, and your boyfriend took the phone and hung up on them.

If you posted on here about that, you would be told to LTB.

FancyNewBeesly · 01/04/2018 12:25

So the brother is 23? Christ, my brother is 28 and still like this.

Sparklesocks · 01/04/2018 12:25

Sorry but you can’t dictate the relationship your boyfriend has with his brother, it’s his decision whether or not he lends cash - he’s a big boy.

Megatron · 01/04/2018 12:25

What a complete over reaction Toffee

Hang on, let me get this right ... you snatched the phone from another adult and ended a phone call for them because you didn't like the content of it and you are saying that Toffee is the one over reacting?

However, your BF should not be verbally abusing you in any way, what exactly has he been calling you?

Original poster
Unreasonablebutjustified · 01/04/2018 12:26

Does nobody see my point? I know I was unreasonable but he is also?

OP posts:
Sierra259 · 01/04/2018 12:26

It's none of your business unless it's having an impact on your joint finances, even if you're right about his brother. I'd have been furious with you if you'd done that to me with the phone too.

Nicknacky · 01/04/2018 12:26

Don’t think anyone is going to agree with you.

kaytee87 · 01/04/2018 12:26

God I missed the bit about you deciding his brother wasn't to get any presents anymore.
Very controlling behaviour and if your bf was my friend or brother I'd be advising him to break up with you.

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 01/04/2018 12:27

Sorry, but I think YABU. Regardless of your opinion on his brother, their telephone conversation is none of your business. To try to interrupt the call is rude enough, but to take the phone and hang up is awful!

It does make you sound very controlling. If a bf had ever done that to me his arse would be out the door!

kaytee87 · 01/04/2018 12:28

I can't even imagine knowing or caring what my DH does with his old clothes Confused

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