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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I was unreasonable...but given this don’t I have the right to be?

321 replies

Unreasonablebutjustified · 01/04/2018 12:08

I have been verbally abused and shouted all all morning. It is my own fault but I had my reasons. A bit of background before the incident: My Boyfriends brother is four years younger than him (27) and to put it bluntly - is lazy, hasn’t held down any lengthy or meaningful jobs, unlucky in life etc but is also seen as the angelic golden child by his parents compared to my bf who is naturally ambitious. My bf even gave him one of his old suits for one of his (many) jobs before and he didn’t even give anything towards it even though it was expensive. He’s not a bad person at all but just doesn’t really try hard with anything, no drive and just expects people to give him hand outs and help him all the time.

He recently broke up with yet another girlfriend (surprise surprise...said nobody) and this morning rang my bfs mobile at 8 o clock in the morning. Hungover. Turns out he had been to the pub last night. I could even hear him slurring a few of his words, practically couldn’t make out what he was talking about. He was asking if he could borrow £20. I kept telling my bf no and to hang up and he was trying to interrupt the conversation but the brother was just not listening. In the end I physically took his phone off him and ended the call myself.

I have now found myself being shouted at all morning and have been told that if he chooses to lend his brother money then he will. I said “Lend? You won’t be getting it back.” I am really angry but he is blaming me. Yes, ending the phone call was a little bit rude but I am tired of us always helping him out. If it was a two way street I could understand and be more sympathetic but it’s not. For instance: We always buy him a lovely birthday present on his birthday and a Christmas present at Christmas but he only buys cards for us for our birthdays (sometimes he forgets mine and I don’t even get a card) and for Christmas just a box of chocolates (Cadbury’s - nothing special) I said last Christmas after another predictable box of chocolates that we’re not getting anything for him next year and nothing for his birthday either.

Yes I know I was unreasonable regarding the phone call. I think we can all admit that. But am I BU to be over how I feel about the brother constantly taking advtange of us? I keep trying to explain but he’s having none of it and I just feel like my opinion is not being listened to and I’m made out to be in the wrong.

OP posts:
Ryder63 · 01/04/2018 12:58

I always ensure he pays it back but if I didn’t then he probably wouldn’t

If you don't have joint finances - none of your business.

gingergenius · 01/04/2018 12:59

Whether you are in a same sex relationship or not, op, your behaviour was entitled and controlling. You were out of order. Not your bf. Do t snatch phones from peoples hands in an effort to control their communication with another human being. It's a hostile, aggressive act and yes you were being 'fucking ridiculous'

KurriKurri · 01/04/2018 12:59

I am always giving (not selling) clothes to my sister and vice versa. I would give her money in a heartbeat no questions asked if she needed it (and I know she would be the same to me) she's my sister she's been in my life far longer than any partner. if someone took the phone from me and hung up when I was talking to her they would be out the door.

I think you need to apologise to your boyfriend and his brother and stay out of their business.

Would you like it if the brother was dictating what your boyfriend could give you or when and how long he could speak to you on the phone ?

Gide · 01/04/2018 13:00

Unless you have joint finances, which you clearly don’t or you would have stated this. Therefore, it’s sod all to do with you. It’s his brother, what right do you have to intervene in his relationship? So wrong.

HoppingPavlova · 01/04/2018 13:00

I agree, you sound unhinged. Also very immature, I’m guessing you are quite young.

I once lived with a guy who had a sister who consistently made bad choices. We had joint finances and he often helped her out with money. I didn’t agree with it as such as felt it enabled rather than helped but it was his sister and he wanted to and by doing so it didn’t affect our ability to pay our rent/put food on the table/pay bills so I let it go and didn’t make a fuss. It can’t be easy to see your sibling struggling even if it is due to their bad choices.

seventh · 01/04/2018 13:01

He is always scrounging from us, always asking my bf to borrow him some money. I always ensure he pays it back but if I didn’t then he probably wouldn’t

When brother borrows off you, you are entitled to get uppity.

When brother borrows off your DP , it is none of your business. It is none of your business to get the money back, either, unless it is you'd money.

Of course you can say

'wow, AGAIN, this is getting a bit nuts isn't it? do you think he'll EVER grow up?' - in a mild, interested way.

But you don't do that. You try to run the show. And if it's not your money it is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

I really don't know how to be any more clear.

ThinkingOfCeline · 01/04/2018 13:01

Could this be an April Fool's? It's so unreasonable I think it really could be?

DeathStare · 01/04/2018 13:01

He is always scrounging from us, always asking my bf to borrow him some money

He's not always scrounging from us. It's not your money. What your boyfriend does with his money is his choice.

I always ensure he pays it back but if I didn’t then he probably wouldn’t

Again, this is really controlling. It is entirely up to your boyfriend whether he wants his brother to pay the money back and has nothing to do with you. Back off and stop interfering.

I’m not a controlling girlfriend, we are in a gay relationship doesn’t make a difference really

Then you are a controlling boyfriend. And on this one you are right - your sex does not make a difference to how unacceptable your behaviour is.

the brother is clearly a CF

Maybe. Or maybe this is just the dynamic of their relationship. Either way it is your boyfriend he is (potentially) being a CF to so it is entirely his choice how he deals with it. Anyway you are a controlling partner, and that's much worse.

incywincybitofa · 01/04/2018 13:03

I agree you really have explained it well enough- you really have.
Your OH doesn't want the money back if he did he would
a) Make sure he got it back, because whilst you say if it wasn't for you he wouldn't get it back, if he wanted it back he could also get it back and or he would .
b) Stop lending him money
Your BF hasn't gone for option A or B and YOU should take that as a sign of how the situation is.

Your BF is capable of looking out for himself, which is why he is having a row with you about taking his phone off him, to end his call to his brother, whilst telling him where he can spend his money and telling him how to conduct his relationship with his brother and what gifts you should both expect.
I am surprised you can't see how one sided this is.

VladmirsPoutine · 01/04/2018 13:03
Hmm This thread seems to have a lot of trajectory.
notacooldad · 01/04/2018 13:04

I completely agree with toffee

Lacucuracha · 01/04/2018 13:04

He is always scrounging from us, always asking my bf to borrow him some money. I always ensure he pays it back but if I didn’t then he probably wouldn’t.

How do finances work in your household? If BF is constantly lending money from household / joint money to his DB then that would annoy me. But if it's from his own money, then you can't control that.

Bluntness100 · 01/04/2018 13:04

Why are you not explaining if your finances are tied but keep saying scrounging from "us"

Unless there is a back story here if joint finances and some struggle with money, then that was a real dick move you made. I'd also be furious. It's his call if he wishes to speak to his brother and it's his call if he wants to give him money. You behaved terribly and I'd actually consider ending it with you if you attempted to decide if I was allowed to speak to my family and what I was allowed to do with my money.

And uour boyfriends being a lot nicer about it than I would be. Quite frankly I'd show you the meaning of the term "verbally abused" in no uncertain terms.

Buglife · 01/04/2018 13:05

If your boyfriend GAVE him a suit YABU to then whinge that he didn’t pay for it. If you give someone who you know has very little money ‘very nice’ presents and then get shitty when they give a box of chocolates or a card in return, YABU and grabby and totally misunderstanding what present giving is (it’s not about calculating that you are getting back what you paid ffs). If you are bristling at every single penny that your boyfriend gives out to his family and controlling how he decides to treat his own brother, then yes your boyfriend has a right to be angry about it. You made your opinion clear (in an unreasonable way) and your boyfriend is telling you he thinks it’s fucking ridiculous behaviour. Either apologise for your actions in snatching the phone but made a calmer point about how you worry he’s being taken advantage of, or leave it up to him how he helps his brother and learn to stop being so controlling about money, or break up with him.

Also you have explained it fully and just reposting that you think he’s a CF every page isn’t changing the fact that YABU. You say you always make sure he pays the money back so it’s not even as if he owes your boyfriend loads of money.

DioneTheDiabolist · 01/04/2018 13:05

You're still being unreasonable OP. And "fucking ridiculous".

Toffeelatteplease · 01/04/2018 13:05

I always ensure he pays it back but if I didn’t then he probably wouldn’t.

This is also controlling. You shouldn't be doing this either.

scrounging from us

If you are lending money to the brother stop. That's your choice.

my bf to borrow him some money.

He can do this that's his choice. Its your brothers choice whether to lend it no yours.
You can have an opinion that's it. He can chose not to get it back too. That's he choice. If he lends to his brother that does not mean you have.

He is not you. You are separate people. You have no right to make super decisions. He has a right to disagree with you and act on that disagreement.

You seem to have little understanding of personal boundaries.

If you respect your boyfriend you need to respect the way he chooses to live life. Not chose how he lives it for him.

I'm very worried for your boyfriend actually.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 01/04/2018 13:06

You need to be apologising and working on strategies to prevent your own abusive conduct in the future.

And your girlfriend needs to be leaving you

Megatron · 01/04/2018 13:08

It makes no difference if it's a same sex relationship or not, you're still totally out of order OP. However, I doubt there's a cat in hells chance of you seeing that.

HonkyWonkWoman · 01/04/2018 13:15

OP you have been told by about a hundred people on here that YABU.
You really need to listen and take on board what everyone is saying and change you behaviour and bad attitude towards your Dp.
Otherwise, you won't have a Dp very soon.

TabbyMack · 01/04/2018 13:17

Does your BF not have access to this own funds? If so (and why wouldn’t he?) then his brother is scrounging off him, not you aka “us”.

And the whole “he didn’t buy us nice Christmas presents” crap is pretty telling, tbh. So what if he didn’t? Do you only give to receive?

Back off and mind your own business.

ButchyRestingFace · 01/04/2018 13:17

In the end I physically took his phone off him and ended the call myself.

LOL. Just LOL. Grin

mzcracker · 01/04/2018 13:18

If my husband snatched the phone out of my hand and ended a phone call to a family member I'd be fucking livid.
How dare you?? Absolutely none of your business who he chooses to lend money too. You aren't married so unless it's from a joint account then you butt out.
Totally unreasonable.

Pengggwn · 01/04/2018 13:19

You had no right - none whatsoever - to physically take the phone from your DH and stop him talking to his brother. YABU.

Idontdowindows · 01/04/2018 13:20

Does nobody see my point?

What point? That you get to control who your boyfriend speaks to, how he spends his money and that you actively took the phone off him and hung up on his call with his brother?

Do you really think that this is ok? Toffee is not overreacting at all. You are controlling and your behaviour is classic.

cherryontopp · 01/04/2018 13:22

I can see your frustration.

His brother sounds like a scrounging bum and it would be frustrating to see him take the piss out of your boyfriend all the time...but..you can't act the way that you did.

You over reacted and your boyfriend has every right to call you ridiculous and then some - cos thats what it was.

My bf pays his mother's sky and his sister's phone bill every month, cos they only work like 10 hours a week (and make no effort to work anymore) and it drives me crackers. But as long as his side of the bills are paid and he contributes to food etc then I have no say.

You can't act like this when you can't control a situation.