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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I was unreasonable...but given this don’t I have the right to be?

321 replies

Unreasonablebutjustified · 01/04/2018 12:08

I have been verbally abused and shouted all all morning. It is my own fault but I had my reasons. A bit of background before the incident: My Boyfriends brother is four years younger than him (27) and to put it bluntly - is lazy, hasn’t held down any lengthy or meaningful jobs, unlucky in life etc but is also seen as the angelic golden child by his parents compared to my bf who is naturally ambitious. My bf even gave him one of his old suits for one of his (many) jobs before and he didn’t even give anything towards it even though it was expensive. He’s not a bad person at all but just doesn’t really try hard with anything, no drive and just expects people to give him hand outs and help him all the time.

He recently broke up with yet another girlfriend (surprise surprise...said nobody) and this morning rang my bfs mobile at 8 o clock in the morning. Hungover. Turns out he had been to the pub last night. I could even hear him slurring a few of his words, practically couldn’t make out what he was talking about. He was asking if he could borrow £20. I kept telling my bf no and to hang up and he was trying to interrupt the conversation but the brother was just not listening. In the end I physically took his phone off him and ended the call myself.

I have now found myself being shouted at all morning and have been told that if he chooses to lend his brother money then he will. I said “Lend? You won’t be getting it back.” I am really angry but he is blaming me. Yes, ending the phone call was a little bit rude but I am tired of us always helping him out. If it was a two way street I could understand and be more sympathetic but it’s not. For instance: We always buy him a lovely birthday present on his birthday and a Christmas present at Christmas but he only buys cards for us for our birthdays (sometimes he forgets mine and I don’t even get a card) and for Christmas just a box of chocolates (Cadbury’s - nothing special) I said last Christmas after another predictable box of chocolates that we’re not getting anything for him next year and nothing for his birthday either.

Yes I know I was unreasonable regarding the phone call. I think we can all admit that. But am I BU to be over how I feel about the brother constantly taking advtange of us? I keep trying to explain but he’s having none of it and I just feel like my opinion is not being listened to and I’m made out to be in the wrong.

OP posts:
DaisysStew · 01/04/2018 13:22

I’d be fuming if my partner physically took my phone out of my hand and ended a call to my family. Do you not realise how out of order and controlling that it? Why do you get to decide who he speaks to or lends money to?

Honestly if I was your partner I’d be having a good long think about whether or not I wanted to be with someone who thinks they have a right to control me like that.

EdmundCleverClogs · 01/04/2018 13:24

I kept expecting this to be a reverse but evidently not. Yabu and a bit of an arse. Would be different if the brother older and expecting £100s every week, more sounds like he’s silly and needs support. Having said that, this obviously cannot carry on forever, but it is not your place to ‘deal’ with it. Especially in the ridiculous way you did.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 01/04/2018 13:24

seventh
Flowers
No problem - thanks

TheHulksPurplePants · 01/04/2018 13:24

Maybe, maybe, if you were down to your last 20 and him giving it to his DB was the difference between food for a week and starvation, I would give you that you might have reason to be upset. As that's not the case, you don't and you need to butt out.

DrunkUnicorn · 01/04/2018 13:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mzcracker · 01/04/2018 13:27

As for the presents situation, you're free to not contribute to a present for your bf's brother but you have absolutely no right to tell your bf what to do. You're all adults, supposedly, a card really is sufficient, especially from someone who isn't holding down a steady job.

sparklefarts · 01/04/2018 13:27

Massively controlling and out of line.

OP, do you understand your behaviour yet? It's worrying you can't see this for what it is

Original poster
Unreasonablebutjustified · 01/04/2018 13:29

Just because we’re not married and have joint finances mean I shouldn’t care about him being ripped off? If we were married would that give me the right to act this way? I’m disappointed that nobody can see my side of things

OP posts:
SusanneLinder · 01/04/2018 13:29

My DH is the most mild mannered man on the planet, but am sure that he would have the same reaction as your bf, if I acted like that.Not that I would.
It has fuck all to do with you, what your bf does with HIS money. I appreciate you didn't like getting woken up, but grabbing the phone ?
YABVVU.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 01/04/2018 13:30

Maybe have a think about why you're angry about his brother. Come on, it can't really be about him giving him an old suit and the odd tenner!

No one's perfect but realising why you react in certain ways can help you reflect and change.

Perhaps the underlying problem is that you're jealous of the time and attention your bf gives his brother? You resent the unconditional love he's shown by his family and the attention he's given?

You might have had visions of you both lying in bed this Easter weekend with only eyes for each other and resented the bf's call intruding that.

It's salvageable. I think you should apologise and stop festering over this now. Don't fuck up your whole weekend over this.
Buy him a creme egg and make up.

NotASingleFuckToGive · 01/04/2018 13:30

You took a phone out of a grown man's hand and hung up his conversation because you decided it was done?
Do you keep his testicles locked in your bedside cupboard too?

SusanneLinder · 01/04/2018 13:30

And I have been married 20 years, and no it doesn't give you the right to act like a tool.Angry

Schlimbesserung · 01/04/2018 13:31

I do see your point, OP. I have a couple of very draining BILs and one of them has cost us hundreds of thousands of pounds. He is nearly retirement age and still doesn't truly see that we are not responsible for him. I understand the rage when he is phoning for yet another "loan".

It also isn't okay to be verbally abused and shouted at over a period of several hours. Not okay at all. However, if my husband had snatched my phoned and ended a call, I would be livid with him and there would definitely be a certain amount of yelling.

I think you need to step back from his relationship with his brother. Even though you may mean well and want to help, you aren't. Your anger and frustration are stopping you from seeing your own very bad behaviour. I think you need to apologise and ask if you can set aside some time to talk honestly about the situation, because it's in danger of getting seriously out of hand.

gamerwidow · 01/04/2018 13:32

OP even if you were married you'd still be unreasonable. My DH rolls his eyes at the liberties my DSIS takes but he'd never get involved or stop me from lending money to her because my relationship with my DSIS is my business.

Megatron · 01/04/2018 13:33

Being married doesn't mean you have the right to act like a dick.

ToriRay · 01/04/2018 13:34

Nothing gives you the right to act the way you did, Married or Not. You seem to think you're in an adult relationship, but are not acting in a particularly adult/mature way. You asked if you were being unreasonable. Overwhelmingly you were told you were (granted, in people's opinions) Yet you still don't acknowledge that you could shift your perspective and see things from your partners viewpoint. You need to grow up. And sometimes that means throwing your arms up, admitting you were wrong and finding a way forward.

mzcracker · 01/04/2018 13:34

You're allowed to care about it of course.
But snatching the phone out of your partners hands and ending the call, trying to dictate how your partner uses his own money..that's way way out of line.

Idontdowindows · 01/04/2018 13:34

I’m disappointed that nobody can see my side of things

What side? The side where you actually get to decide who, how and when your partner interacts with her family?

Toffeelatteplease · 01/04/2018 13:35

Controlling is not caring. Caring does not look like this. If you want to care care, but don't control

It is really worrying you don't understand the difference.

battenbergbutterfly · 01/04/2018 13:35

I'd have gone mad if someone took the phone off me if I was speaking to a sibling who wanted me. Your boyfriend can lend his money to his brother without you grabbing the phone off him. Who do you think you are? How would you like the phone grabbed from you and you told who you could speak to?

amber90 · 01/04/2018 13:36

Your partner was not unreasonable in the slightest. Your behaviour was ridiculous and you deserve to be dumped and shown the door.

Grumpyoldblonde · 01/04/2018 13:36

Doesn't the fact nobody agrees with you give you some kind of clue that you're in the wrong here?

mimibunz · 01/04/2018 13:36

OP, why are you making a big deal over a suit and £20? What’s it got to do with you? Your stbxbf’s relationship with his brother has nothing to do with you. You come across as mean-spirited and controlling.

CertainlyChoco · 01/04/2018 13:38

YANBU about disliking your scrounging BF's brother.

I've done similar when my BIL wanted a ride home at 4am after a drunken night out. DH had had a long tiring week at work and I messaged BIL he had to get a taxi. No love lost in the first place, but my DH was and always will be my priority. Was he pissed off initially? Yes. But he got over it. And I'll do it again.

YABU regarding the interview clothes and gifts.

snewsname · 01/04/2018 13:39

Yanbu to be annoyed about the constant scrounging, however it is clearly important to your dp that he is there for his brother. Therefore for this reason you have to control that annoyance and work with your dp in a way that your dp is happy with. His way might not be your way but yabu to dictate how it should be.
I'm not surprised that he has finally blown. I think it's probably been brewing for a while.

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