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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I was unreasonable...but given this don’t I have the right to be?

321 replies

Unreasonablebutjustified · 01/04/2018 12:08

I have been verbally abused and shouted all all morning. It is my own fault but I had my reasons. A bit of background before the incident: My Boyfriends brother is four years younger than him (27) and to put it bluntly - is lazy, hasn’t held down any lengthy or meaningful jobs, unlucky in life etc but is also seen as the angelic golden child by his parents compared to my bf who is naturally ambitious. My bf even gave him one of his old suits for one of his (many) jobs before and he didn’t even give anything towards it even though it was expensive. He’s not a bad person at all but just doesn’t really try hard with anything, no drive and just expects people to give him hand outs and help him all the time.

He recently broke up with yet another girlfriend (surprise surprise...said nobody) and this morning rang my bfs mobile at 8 o clock in the morning. Hungover. Turns out he had been to the pub last night. I could even hear him slurring a few of his words, practically couldn’t make out what he was talking about. He was asking if he could borrow £20. I kept telling my bf no and to hang up and he was trying to interrupt the conversation but the brother was just not listening. In the end I physically took his phone off him and ended the call myself.

I have now found myself being shouted at all morning and have been told that if he chooses to lend his brother money then he will. I said “Lend? You won’t be getting it back.” I am really angry but he is blaming me. Yes, ending the phone call was a little bit rude but I am tired of us always helping him out. If it was a two way street I could understand and be more sympathetic but it’s not. For instance: We always buy him a lovely birthday present on his birthday and a Christmas present at Christmas but he only buys cards for us for our birthdays (sometimes he forgets mine and I don’t even get a card) and for Christmas just a box of chocolates (Cadbury’s - nothing special) I said last Christmas after another predictable box of chocolates that we’re not getting anything for him next year and nothing for his birthday either.

Yes I know I was unreasonable regarding the phone call. I think we can all admit that. But am I BU to be over how I feel about the brother constantly taking advtange of us? I keep trying to explain but he’s having none of it and I just feel like my opinion is not being listened to and I’m made out to be in the wrong.

OP posts:
MagneticMan · 01/04/2018 12:45

I would have been really annoyed if my partner had taken my phone off me and hung up when I was talking to my brother.

Hell, I nearly kicked him out for dipping his crisps in the hummus on my plate (there was plenty more in the fridge - fuck off and get your own). I do tend to get totally unreasonable when people steal my food though greedy cunts- Smile

YABU

Toffeelatteplease · 01/04/2018 12:45

I find it really concerning that you can't tell the difference between someone disagreeing with you and being upset and verbal abusive.

Abuse is preventing the other person from being able to act or think independently either physically emotionally or mentally.

Telling someone that something is "fucking ridiculous" (when it is) is not abuse. It doesn't stop you disagreeing with him. Taking a phone off them so they are unable to complete a call... well that physically prevents him from doing what he felt was reasonable.

Give your head and wobble. If he hasn't dumped you as a result of this incident in suggest you do a little work on yourself.

DeathStare · 01/04/2018 12:46

saying things like fucking ridiculous

But you are being fucking ridiculous. What did you expect him to say - "I'll do exactly as you tell me"?

Queenofthestress · 01/04/2018 12:47

I've lent my SIL just shy of 150 in the past two months, not counting providing money for food and that when they want my kids to stay over, I've also lent money both my bestmate and his best mate, my bf's reaction? Is that enough to cover what you need, let us know if you need a bit more.

Sprinklesinmyelbow · 01/04/2018 12:48

I think you sound immature. I don’t mean to sound condescending but people don’t interfere with other adults relationships and phone calls like that. You’ve massively over involved yourself - who cares if he went out and got pissed for example? That’s his choice. Why are you even telling us that?

Your BF has a tricky brother and a controlling girlfriend. Poor bloke. What do you expect him to do?

SantanicoPandemonium · 01/04/2018 12:48

It’s not abusive to tell someone that they are being fucking ridiculous when they are being fucking ridiculous. You had no right to take his phone off him, that was out of order and you need to wind your neck in.

gamerwidow · 01/04/2018 12:50

OP Do you have siblings? I know my friends without siblings sometimes find my relationship with my sister hard to understand and don't get that I'll make exceptions for her and support her more than I would a friend.

twofingerstoEverything · 01/04/2018 12:50

You need to apologise to your BF and, if he was aware of your background whinging/switching off BF's phone, you need to apologise to his brother, too. You should do this face to face (not by text) and mean it. I'm staggered that you think your behaviour is acceptable or that your BF isn't entitled to call you out on it.

ThinkingOfCeline · 01/04/2018 12:51

If my OH treated me in this way I'd be reconsidering the relationship - trying to control how I use my own (not joint) money and interactions with my family are massive red flags.

From the OP all I can tell about the brother is that he's 23, not yet found his career, went out on shock a Saturday night and isn't in a long term relationship....like absolutely LOADS of 23 year olds. Some people have their shit together straight away, others spend years seeing what fits.

Oh, and expecting money for an old suit given by a sibling to help with job hunting....wtf Shock

Original poster
Unreasonablebutjustified · 01/04/2018 12:52

Sorry but I don’t think people know the full story. He is always scrounging from us, always asking my bf to borrow him some money. I always ensure he pays it back but if I didn’t then he probably wouldn’t. I’m not a controlling girlfriend, we are in a gay relationship, doesn’t make a difference really, the brother is clearly a CF. I am the only one seeing this though? I probably haven’t explained it well enough.

OP posts:
Crispbutty · 01/04/2018 12:52

“Abuse is preventing the other person from being able to act or think independently either physically emotionally or mentally. “

Like snatching a phone off them and cutting them off.

OnionKnight · 01/04/2018 12:53

Oh dear, OP YABU.

Try ending a phone call that I'm making, fucking ridiculous wouldn't cut it.

happypoobum · 01/04/2018 12:53

Don't worry, you have explained it well enough.

YABU and very controlling.

lalalalyra · 01/04/2018 12:54

To be fair verbally abusive was the wrong term, he is not like that at all, he has been shouting at me and saying things like “fucking ridiculous” but I’m still hurt by it

Hurt by him telling you that you taking his phone from his hand and hanging up on his brother is fucking ridiculous?

If your OH came on here he'd be told to leave you, because the only one showing any abusive tendancies is you. You are trying to control your bf's relationship with his brother. It's not up to you to decide how he spends his money, or what he buys his brother for Christmas. That's not your call. It's his.

Grumpyoldblonde · 01/04/2018 12:54

Really none of your business, you do sound controlling.

Xeneth88 · 01/04/2018 12:55

Toffeelatteplease is 100% right.
I doubt this will be an issue much longer though as your boyfriend will be off in the opposite direction as far away from you as he can get. You were unbelievably rude and controlling, you don't listen in on phone calls when it's none of your business

.

As for taking his phone off him! Who do you think you are? I'd have packed a bag and left then and there. Yes he's right, you are "fucking ridiculous", I'd be apologising to him not bitching on here.

seventh · 01/04/2018 12:55

I think you meant OTT not OCD

I did, @Queenofthestress !

Thank you 

Apologies again @ChazsBrilliantAttitude for my stupid mistake.

lalalalyra · 01/04/2018 12:56

Sorry but I don’t think people know the full story. He is always scrounging from us, always asking my bf to borrow him some money. I always ensure he pays it back but if I didn’t then he probably wouldn’t. I’m not a controlling girlfriend, we are in a gay relationship, doesn’t make a difference really, the brother is clearly a CF. I am the only one seeing this though? I probably haven’t explained it well enough.*

You have explained it.

It's still not your call to make. If your OH wants to lend the brother money that's their call. If they don't chase them up to pay it back that's also their call. Your only involvement should be if it's affecting your partner's share of bills in your house if you live together.

The brother may be a CF, but that's up to his sister to deal with - or ignore if she so chooses.

xoxoxoxoluv · 01/04/2018 12:56

It is NOTHING and I repeat NOTHING to do with you if your partner lends his brother money. You handled this really badly and YOU should be the one apologising. Imagine if you were lending a family member money and your partner blew up about it! Doesn't matter if your gay or straight, make it right!

DeathStare · 01/04/2018 12:56

Unless you have joint finances

Even if they do have joint finances, then unless they are struggling to make ends meet or unless her boyfriend objects to her choices of how to spend £20 then I still think she is being unreasonable. Joint finances doesn't give one partner free reign to control how the other partner spends their money, when it doesn't have a detrimental impact

Lacucuracha · 01/04/2018 12:57

My DH gives his mum money regularly, but it is out of his own account, not joint, so not my lookout. Plus I know his dad is controlling with money.

If he was giving her money from the joint account without checking with me, then that would be different.

Cynara · 01/04/2018 12:57

Well, he's right. It is fucking ridiculous. You have no right to be all hurt and upset because your bf has quite rightly objected to your unreasonable and controlling behaviour.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 01/04/2018 12:58

OK, so you are a controlling boyfriend.

Seriously, you ensure your DP gets his money back... you don't allow him to make that decision for himself?

You need to realise that, no matter how frustrated you are with his DBs behaviour, you really ARE being overbearing in your efforts to help / save your DP from his family.

If you apologise fully now you might save your relationship. But, if I were you, I would wonder if you and your DP really are a good match! If you were mine I would be reconsidering the relationship!

Ruffian · 01/04/2018 12:58

I think everyone's got the gist of the story OP - the brother is unmotivated and a bit of a scrounger but his family loves him. It's not up to you to decide how his brother treats him. It's not your money that he's lending. It's not your phone call to end. Leave it alone or you will destroy your relationship.

DannyLaRuesBestFrock · 01/04/2018 12:58

always asking my bf to borrow him some money

And???? He can lend his brother money if he wants. It's HIS money. Unless you have joint finances.