DH won't let me have croupy 3yo in our bed

[jamoncrumpets]

3yo has a croupy cough, which he gets from time to time. He usually has a bad attack, I give him a few hits of an inhaler, and it gradually tails off over time. I usually keep him in bed with me overnight to monitor.

Tonight he's started with a croupy cough and DH immediately said 'right, not again, he's staying in his bed' and took DS out of our bed, where he was calming down watching YouTube videos on my phone, and into his own room where I can hear him coughing and wheezing. He told me I was being hysterical to let DS stay with me and that it was 'all about my health anxiety'. He's currently in DS's room with him.

I want DS in with me. I want to keep an eye on him. But DH keeps shutting me down. I don't know how to stand up to him over this.

Why are so many mothers against having their child in their bed worth them 😳 That's the most natural place for them! Go and get your child and let him sleep with you where he will be comforted and you can keep an eye on him. It's not just 'anxieties' it's you being a worried Mum- it's instinct to not leave your child when poorly.

That's what I'm trying to get at I think, my whole being feels like he needs to be close. And DH doesn't understand that.

Why aren't you putting him in your bed? Your DH isn't your boss.

Personally op. I wouldn't wait for him to deteriate. I'd have him in the A&E ASAP.
Good God ypu don't take any chances with breathing difficulties.

What will your DH do if you just bring him in?

He's been to A&E for this before, but was given advice on how to treat and monitor at home, and this is what we've followed.

You are right op.
My ds was blue lighted to A&E when the out of hours dr heard him over the phone!
You can’t afford to mess about with croup.

I want to know what your husband will do if you bring ds in too.

Bring dc into bed with you OP. Count the number of times his chest rises with each breath for one minute and phone nhs111 for advice. His respiratory rate is an important assessment measure and it should help to decide if dc needs medical attention.
I hope you are not afraid of your dh to stand up to him

I can't believe the agressivity and name calling on this thread!

I'm guessing all the people saying they wouldn't let their dc in their bed ill or not haven't had a croupy child
So I have a croupy DC, mostly when he was between 1 and 2 1/2. He never came in bed with us though, because as soon as you hear the barking cough you are supposed to go to the hospital. That is what I was told the 4 times I went to A&E in the middle of the night and he was seen urgently. Not to take him in bed with me and see it if went away (I was given an inhaler as well, with instructions to try one time, wait 30min or so, don't remember exactly, and if it didn't get significantly better, go to the hospital).

So either it is serious and you go seek medical help, or it isn't and then we are not talking about "life-threatening" or "he could stop breathing", we are talking about a parental decision of taking unwell DC to bed for comfort, which I believe has to be taken by both parents in agreement.

I would personally scoop him up and put him in with me and then text my husband and tell him that he can either:
a) sleep in with you two
b) sleep in the floor/spare bed/sofa

And I would be very tempted to tell him to take a fucking look at himself. The poor little lad is ill and 3yos want their Mum and a cuddle when they’re ill. Neither DH or I would ever dream of not letting our 3yo or 18mo into our bed if for whatever reason they needed the comfort. They’re bloody babies!

Also your husband sounds an appalling person. I hope this is a result of bad day or something because otherwise I would be saying he’s lacking some pretty fundamental empathy skills.

If DH came up and found DS I'd get a 'fit fucks' sake' and he'd probably be furious with me for about two days. He'd bang around the house making a fuss about getting himself sorted for the night. Then tomorrow he'd tell me how exhausted he is and spend the day in bed.

Why are so many mothers against having their child in their bed worth themThat's the most natural place for them! Go and get your child and let him sleep with you where he will be comforted and you can keep an eye on him. It's not just 'anxieties' it's you being a worried Mum- it's instinct to not leave your child when poorly

Because imo if they need monitoring overnight due to breathing difficulties then they need medical attention.

And I can't speak for anyone else but certainly im.more likely to wake up if there's a problem having got some sleep in the first place than if I've made myself stay up most the night and then crashed at the end as im.exhausted.

In their own beds and own rooms it's easier to prop them up/keep the room cool and rouse at the baby monitor than it is to try and stop then getting over heated and wake up when needed when I've been kicked half the night or cant pull the duvet up to get comfy.

I appreciate it could just be me but certainly bed strong never did any favours in my house and I always woke at the baby monitor

What will you do when the new baby comes?

I think you and your husband need a conversation; a fast one because you'll have two kids soon, and your son needs medical help. This sounds awful for him. If your husband genuinely believes you have health anxiety, that probably warrants discussing too, unless he just said it to be a knob.

I hope DS stays asleep. Is there any way you could move his cot to your room for the night so you and DH can sleep and he's still near you?

Have to say though is not have any trouble chucking dp down stairs. That's just weird. He's being a dick

If I took DS to A&E I'd have to drive, as DH has had a drink. It's thirty minutes down the motorway and I'm terrified of driving on fast roads. Of course I'd do it, if I had to. But we have effectively monitored and managed this at home before, by having him in bed with me.

Oh dear.
I am so sorry you are having another child with this man.
He sounds awful.

So many posters determined to disagree with op. Over reacting - go get some sleep. Under reacting - go to hospital. I know it's AIBU bit FFS. FWIW op I think your approach seems exactly right. Child is stable and being treated at home. But, crucially, needs to be monitored. 2 of mine also had croup. I expect many of the posters criticising you are clueless.

Hello - I hope you and your DS can get some rest. Would it help to show your H the NhS page on croup? That makes clear it can be very serious and that keeping the child calm is important. I also wondered about giving your DS inhaler - I have msitaken croup for viral indices wheeze before (both my DC have been admitted with this before) and gave DC2 blue inhaler when croupy. Drs at hospital said it wouldnt ease breathing in croup as it works on wrong part of body (chest instead of vocal chords). They advised cold air. So open window (you mentioned this) or taking outside of appropriate. But es keeping him calm and secure is paramount. Take care x

Why not pile some blankets on the floor and sleep on those?

He sounds horrible OP. Regardless of what anyone else would or wouldn't choose to do with their own child in this situation, the fact that the OP is desperate to pop her poorly toddler in bed with her but hasn't done so and is sitting up in a chair instead whilst heavily pregnant due to worrying about her husband's response is very concerning.

If you are sure he is ok, as in he doesn't need to go to hospital, then tell your husband that your son will be in your bed and where he sleeps is up to him. Let him have his strop tomorrow. He sounds absolutely vile btw.

I still remember having croup myself as a child and how ill and scared I felt at times. Both my children have suffered with it when they were younger and I couldn't have left them. Keep your son with you. Then address why your husband is willing to take risks with his sons health and ask yourself why you are with such a horrible man.

I hope your son is better soon.

I'm a high risk pregnancy and there have been a lot of complications, I'm not particularly healthy myself. And I don't want to drag DS out to A&E if he's asleep and breathing calmly (it noisily). I just want to be able to monitor him.

Could you pop a baby monitor in his bedroom? That way you can listen in, son isn't disturbed if he is sleeping and husband doesn't get grumpy about a child in bed?

An obviously anxious parent can cause a child's symptoms to worsen. I was taught, by a great paediatrician, how to cope with the anxiety I had when looking after a child with serious breathing problems and that had a good positive effect on my daughter and how she responded when she struggled to breath. I'd be more than willing to chat privately with you if you're interested in learning what I was taught? It really does make a difference.

My youngest has bronchiectasis and brittle asthma and nights were so worrying. She still has both conditions, in her 30s, but doesn't panic which she said is because I neverowed her to see the worry I felt... not easy, and I used to have a bloody good cry after almost every time it was severe, once she was sleep. I won't ever forget the anxiety it caused me and I truly understand your anxiety. My (ex)husband sounds a bit like yours (hence why he didn't stay as a husband).

Don't forget, you need to get plenty of rest too as a tired parent becomes anxious quicker than a wide awake parent.

I hope all goes well and he is soon feeling a lot better.

taking unwell DC to bed for comfort, which I believe has to be taken by both parents in agreement.

Fuck that. If DD is ill and needs me ...be it for comfort,safety or to keep an eye on her then that's that. OH has the option of the sofa or in with us,but we would all(including him) rather he was on the sofa.