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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hide from the stepkids

163 replies

Boxingdaydisappoints · 31/03/2018 19:32

I'm sitting in my car "hiding" from my stepchildren! I suffer from anxiety and generally struggle with their visits to their dad. They're with us 5 nights a fortnight which includes EOW. DP and I have a good relationship, and agree on most things other than the children.

The kids are mid teen and a young adult and the young adult is very sexually active, yet still wants all the perks of being a child. This means he wants Easter eggs and pocket money, yet we're currently entertaining his third sexual partner this year. I can't deal with it, that's why I'm hiding. DH doesn't see a problem, but due to my MH issues my home is my safe place and I'm not happy with it being used as a knocking shop for a man child.

Please be gentle, but any advice gratefully received.

OP posts:
linz0308 · 31/03/2018 19:39

How awful. There is no way I would have the eldest and his girlfriend sleeping over in my house. You need to tell your DH that this is stopping now.

LokiBear · 31/03/2018 19:39

Firstly, you can refuse to allow overnight guests. Secondly, im 34 and my mum still buys me an Easter egg. Thirdly, you need to agree some ground rules and stick to them.

retirednow · 31/03/2018 19:42

Poor you, there's no need to hide away From your home. These are your husbands children and he probably likes to have them there. How many of them are there, do they will have their own rooms and how old are they. What is it that is making you feel so uncomfortable, Flowers

Original poster
Boxingdaydisappoints · 31/03/2018 19:43

There's nothing wrong with the Easter egg in isolation, it's the mixture of child like behaviour with wanting to be treated like an adult sometimes. It was just an example.
It's very difficult to try and establish rules with their dad who doesn't see any problem with their behaviours.

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 31/03/2018 19:46

5 nights a fortnight incl EOW is quite a lot of time spent together. How long have you been in their lives? Do you often feel tense when they're around or is tonight specifically harder than usual?

You need to draw the line at having the eldest girlfriends or partners around. That's certainly unreasonable.

Gemini69 · 31/03/2018 19:48

agreeing with others.. I wouldn't like this either OP.. I feel for you lovely Flowers

Original poster
Boxingdaydisappoints · 31/03/2018 19:51

I think 5 in 14 is a lot too but I'm told it's normal and I understand he wants to see them and vice versa. We've been together a good few years and they've known about me from the start. I wasn't the OW.
I'm usually anxious about them being around but tonight is worse as the new gf is here too. I usually work late, like up to 9pm when they're around but can't do that today.

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 31/03/2018 19:51

Who cares about the Easter egg? Tell your DH you don't want your stepson having guests to stay over.

Where is he on this?

retirednow · 31/03/2018 19:53

I wouldn't be happy with partners staying over, are they allowed this at their mum's, maybe they think dad is a bit of a soft touch. The eldest with a partner should book a hotel or son is on his own and stays at gf house.

Pengggwn · 31/03/2018 19:53

And five nights a fortnight isn't a lot. Sorry. It's less than half.

lizabes · 31/03/2018 19:54

Tbh he sounds like a completely normal young adult.

I completely understand how difficult it is having people you don't know well in your house but if you don't want someone else's children in your house don't choose to live with someone who has children.

I agree with pp though that you have absolutely no obligation to entertain his girlfriend.

Original poster
Boxingdaydisappoints · 31/03/2018 19:55

DP doesn't have a problem with the extra guest, he thinks I'm the one with the problem as it's a normal situation. Our home layout means that our bedroom is next to DSS's and we share a bathroom, so there's very little privacy.

OP posts:
Barbie222 · 31/03/2018 19:56

You can certainly put your foot down about overnight guests if it's your house - I would - but for the rest of it I think you need help to manage your anxiety around the situation and see them as part of your life if they are part of your OPs life. I totally get the sitting in the car thing, but others probably want and it will look very odd to two young people who may not have come across people with anxiety before. They may draw conclusions which aren't true.

Caulk · 31/03/2018 19:56

Are you getting support for your anxiety? What do they say?

KurriKurri · 31/03/2018 19:57

When you say young adult - how old ?
I was happy for my children to have partners stay over when they were young adults - I think you have to think what you would allow for your own children, if you would be totally against partners sleeping over then fair enough.

You use the phrase knocking shop - are these young women prostitutes? or are they his girlfriends, albeit he can;t seem to hang on to them for very long the women he brings round don;t become prostitutes simply because he has many short term relationships.

A lot of young adults veer between adult and childish behaviour - because they are on the cusp of adulthood, they don't suddenly grow up the minute they hit 18.

Maybe their Dad wants to treat them to Easter eggs - I buy one for my adult DD, - chocolate is chocolate however old you are.

But ultimately you have to decide what you want in your house and come to some sort of compromise - it sounds as if they are round yours a fair amount, and it sounds as if you aren't coping with that, so time to work out something that means your DH gets to see his kids but you aren't overwhelmed.

Original poster
Boxingdaydisappoints · 31/03/2018 19:58

Yes 5/14 is less than half, but that's what their mother wanted. It is what it is and I accept it, but it feels a lot.

Thanks for the "you shouldn't live with a man with kids" quote, I was expecting that and I'm sure I'll get a lot more of them.

OP posts:
Jackyjill6 · 31/03/2018 19:59

I think the 3rd sexual partner in the space of a couple of months would stress most people out. It would probably be OK if they had a steady relationship so you could get to know the partner, but having a series of uninvited strangers in your home isn't on.

pictish · 31/03/2018 19:59

What is he 16 or 17? I see nothing wrong in him having a sexual relationship with his girlfriend while still expecting an Easter egg from his dad. Essentially his dad’s house should be considered his house and I’m not sure you can rightly blanket ban his guests.

I’m not unsympathetic to you as you seem conflicted. Do you have children of your own?

upsideup · 31/03/2018 19:59

5 in 14 nights is not a lot, the majority of people have their children 14 out of 14 nights.

Pengggwn · 31/03/2018 20:00

It isn't a lot. It seems like a lot to you, but they're not your kids.

lattewith3shotsplease · 31/03/2018 20:03

OP,
It's a difficult situation as DP has very different "values" from you.

I agree with you, and would not allow this behaviour in my own home.

Original poster
Boxingdaydisappoints · 31/03/2018 20:04

Some people may have their children 14/14 but they're not my kids that's why it feels a lot!

I wish I hadn't mentioned the egg!! I don't care about that it was just an example, a better one would have been that he doesn't make his bed or wash his dirty bed linen!

OP posts:
upsideup · 31/03/2018 20:04

When my 22 year old dsd is here then it is her house too, which means she can have her boyfriend over and have sex in her room, I've also got her an easter egg.
Your DH is right your situation is completely normal and it is your problem, that doesnt mean you can't ask DH and DSS to help you deal with this problem.

LegallyBrunet · 31/03/2018 20:04

You can say no to overnight guests. My mum and stepdad allowed my partner to stay over when we visited from uni but we weren’t allowed to share a room until very recently despite both being in our early twenties. Also, you can still buy him a Easter egg, I’m 23 and my family have got me Easter eggs

seabase · 31/03/2018 20:05

How old are the children? If the young adult is under 16.... then I totally understand your feelings...