To hide from the stepkids

[Boxingdaydisappoints]

I'm sitting in my car "hiding" from my stepchildren! I suffer from anxiety and generally struggle with their visits to their dad. They're with us 5 nights a fortnight which includes EOW. DP and I have a good relationship, and agree on most things other than the children.

The kids are mid teen and a young adult and the young adult is very sexually active, yet still wants all the perks of being a child. This means he wants Easter eggs and pocket money, yet we're currently entertaining his third sexual partner this year. I can't deal with it, that's why I'm hiding. DH doesn't see a problem, but due to my MH issues my home is my safe place and I'm not happy with it being used as a knocking shop for a man child.

Please be gentle, but any advice gratefully received.

The main issue here IMO is that OP’s H has set “house rules” that OP should have an equal say in.

The H should listen to her concerns and change the rules. Especially given the compromises OP has presumably made over the years as a step parent, and her mental health issue.

Bet he won’t though because he sounds like a Disney Dad type!

I am genuinely interested in an answer from the people who don't let their "adultish" children have sexual partners over - where do you expect them to go!? It's not pleasant I'm sure, but I would rather my child had somewhere safe to partake in perfectly normal activities for an 18 year old than think he might be having sex in a park out of desperation.

However, if someone IS allowed to have partners over I agree there should be boundaries created out of respect e.g cleaning up after themselves, ideally girlfriends not one night stands, considerate noise level etc.

I am feeling for OP in this thread. I suffer from anxiety and I totally empathise with her the escaping to her car thing. I’d be more inclined to go for a run or fabricate an excuse if I got the the point I needed some space, but I do get it. I think some folks have said some very unkind things on that point.
I do think DH needs to be involved in setting ground rules about house guests. Having random strangers in the house is not on, and if you’re an anxiety sufferer it can be even worse.
I hope you manage to sort it out OP. Xx

Desperation?
It's sex... not a basic human need like water,food,oxygen.

I think you have had a bit of a rough ride on here OP.

I don't have anxiety and I don't have step-children but I do have my own (younger) teens, and if (when they are older) they brought home a new sexual partner (or indeed any new stranger) to stay over every month, I'd be putting my foot down. I don't think anyone is unreasonable not to want a parade of strangers through their home to make small talk with over breakfast cereal. As I said, I don't suffer from anxiety but I wouldn't be able to relax in that situation and I don't think that's unusual.

I also don't think it's unusual to expect DC to pull their weight around the house. I wouldn't tolerate my DC not changing their own sheets and they are younger than your DSS.

I think the issue here though is not your DSC but your DH. Your DSS seems to be treating your home like a B&B - expecting to bring back who likes when he likes without consideration for the other members of the household, and expecting his chores to be done for him. I don't think it's unusual for DC to try to live like this if they can away with it (who wouldn't?) But, in my opinion, part of a parents' role is to instil the idea that treating other people with respect and consideration isn't optional. And your DH isn't stepping up and doing this part of parenting.

I'm not sure what the answer is here. I agree with suggestions other people have made about not allowing sexual partners to stay over until you have known them a specified length of time, but unless your DH is going to enforce that then it's not going to make any difference.

The problem isn't your DSS (though he is a CF). The problem is that your DH sees your role as to service his DC and make them happy, and doesn't care if your own happiness/wellbeing is sacrificed in the process.

Thanks everyone for your messages. I'm aware my issues are very much to do with myself and my MH, and I must take steps to address these better. There have been some good suggestions and ultimately I need to talk to DP so we can set some sensible boundaries. DSS is a very nice young man who I enjoy being around, he's only behaving like any healthy 18 year old but perhaps need a little guidance on how to respect us and our home. Thanks again for all the responses (except perhaps the bat shit crazy one 🤣)!

It is not your MH issue causing the issue here, it’s that your DSS and DH are disrespecting your - reasonable - boundaries.

No overnight guests is a common and reasonable house rule.

Some people may have their children 14/14 but they're not my kids that's why it feels a lot!

That's your problem right there, you want him but not his kids.

I have posted with my views of accepting and supporting a man to be a good father. Or don't have a relationship with a man with children. There are far too many fathers who don't take this responsibility. And for a separated father the number of days he sees his kids will never be enough.

But, on the matter of GFs staying over. My DCs are in this age bracket and I would allow them to have BFs or GFs to stay - where else are they going to go - sex is a perfectly normal part of a relationship and we shouldn't demonise that. Better in a bed than the park! However I would not like them to have a different partner every month and I would feel a little strange about it at first if I'm honest. Its part of allowing them to grow up and make their own decisions but I recognise each new step can be a bit of letting go for a parent and not always easy.

The difficult thing is I'm not sure you can set a length of relationship for when it is acceptable. For no fault of their own, relationships start and end quite quickly at that age - for good and sensible reasons. So I'd find it hard to legislate for what's acceptable and not acceptable. Maybe, I'd like to get to know the GF or BF in question first before they are sleeping in my house.

Anyway, when I work it out I will let you know. Something to discuss with the father. but i still stand by the sentiment that he has more say over the rules for his kids than the new partner. There's a risk otherwise that you drive a wedge in the relationship and any good Dad would choose his kids over his partner.

I've not fully paid attention to the sheets washing issue. I'm pretty sure we should be encouraging our DC to wash their own sheets at this age. But really, lets not demonise sheets that have had sex on them - is that how we all feel about our own adult sheets? Why are teen sexual sheets more disgusting than marital ones? Its not good to treat young adults as dirty and disgusting because they are having sex.

You need to establish ground rules. So, would you let children of your own have guests at home? If so, you should allow your stepson too. Also, you mentioned him not doing housework. You need to make it clear that he must chip in (ie washing his own clothes and linen).

Also, they’re not around too often as others have pointed out; most people live with their children 14/14 so. It kind of tough unfortunately.

Good luck op!

One adult son and three adult stepchildren here and none of them would have dreamt of bringing casual sexual partners into our house. Which is a good thing as we wouldn't have stood for it. You're being badly let down by your husband, OP, he's undermining you and putting his son's sex life ahead of your comfort in your own home. I'd be furious.

My DB is 23 YO, has a child, split up with his GF last year and subsequently lives with our DM & SD.
He isn’t allowed to have a sexual partner stay over.

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