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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hide from the stepkids

163 replies

Boxingdaydisappoints · 31/03/2018 19:32

I'm sitting in my car "hiding" from my stepchildren! I suffer from anxiety and generally struggle with their visits to their dad. They're with us 5 nights a fortnight which includes EOW. DP and I have a good relationship, and agree on most things other than the children.

The kids are mid teen and a young adult and the young adult is very sexually active, yet still wants all the perks of being a child. This means he wants Easter eggs and pocket money, yet we're currently entertaining his third sexual partner this year. I can't deal with it, that's why I'm hiding. DH doesn't see a problem, but due to my MH issues my home is my safe place and I'm not happy with it being used as a knocking shop for a man child.

Please be gentle, but any advice gratefully received.

OP posts:
Original poster
Boxingdaydisappoints · 31/03/2018 20:36

I refuse to wash his sheets. His father does it for him and we disagree on this. One of the reasons I referred to him as a man child. When he doesn't have a gf over he's permanently attached to his Xbox and does nothing to help around the house.

OP posts:
CarlyCape · 31/03/2018 20:36

It's normal for young adults to have relationships that involve sex.

I still get an waster egg from my mother and father. I still give one to DP every year.

My parents helped my with money throughout university and my step-father also contributed. He didn't mind and I am very grateful for that.

I genuinely don't see a problem with this set up. Not one!

CarlyCape · 31/03/2018 20:36

*easter!

wowzawoo · 31/03/2018 20:37

I have anxiety when my step children stay - it's awful. Quite often I hide myself away, deliberately go out or pray DD will fall asleep in the car so I can sit outside for a bit before going in.

I feel this way and the kids are nice.

VladmirsPoutine · 31/03/2018 20:37

Are you still anxious even when they're not in your home?

DullAndOld · 31/03/2018 20:38

" he's permanently attached to his Xbox and does nothing to help around the house."

have you asked him?

Original poster
Boxingdaydisappoints · 31/03/2018 20:38

Yes if I think about the situation.

OP posts:
NewImprovedNinja · 31/03/2018 20:38

I think if you can overlook the mess and try to maintain a cordial supportive relationship, your DH should be prepared to compromise and agree to no overnight guests. My stepsons were teens when I met DH and they lived elsewhere but the 18 year old moved in when their family home was sold. I found it hard as I hadn't had children at that point but he mostly stayed in his bedroom, dropped out of college and did a series of low paid jobs. He was untidy and fairly uncommunicative most of the time but we all stumbled along. It was a bit hellish at times but I've forgotten most of the details.
He's in his 30's now, living with his lovely girlfriend and I absolutely love him to bits. I've had children with DH and he's a fantastic older brother to them even though there's a massive age gap.
Hang on in there, it will get better when they grow up. For me, it was about the time he hit his mid twenties. Such a relief. Grin

Original poster
Boxingdaydisappoints · 31/03/2018 20:39

Should I have to ask him? I don't ask him to have sex but he manages that.

OP posts:
RebelRogue · 31/03/2018 20:40

Should I have to ask him? I don't ask him to have sex but he manages that.

Sorry OP, I know you're really upset but this did make me giggle.Grin

J0208 · 31/03/2018 20:40

I mean he's probably not psychic so at least attempting to communicate with him sounds like a good idea.

issaflame · 31/03/2018 20:42

You married a man with kids but you don't want to see his kids? Confused

RebelRogue · 31/03/2018 20:44

@issaflame OP already corrected herself and said she meant the gf's not the kids.

BakerBear · 31/03/2018 20:46

Some odd responses on here....

Many many parents would never allow their teenager to have girlfriends staying over unless they had been together quite some time.

Third gf this year to stay over? Fuck that!!

If this was my house they could have gfs over during the day but they would not be staying overnight.

Step parenting is hard, bloody awful most of the time but nobody knows what they are in for until its too late and you have fallen for their father.

kikashi · 31/03/2018 20:47

Take off to your room with a laptop, headphones, a boxset downloaded and a tray of drinks and food and leave them to it. You can have a "headache"

goldenlilliesdaffodillies · 31/03/2018 20:48

OP I wouldn't be happy with that either whether they were my step children or biological children (I have both). It also doesn't set a very good moral example to the mid teenager, especially if the latest girlfriend is only 16. It sounds like some ground rules need to be set down so that everybody in the house feels comfortable.

I agree with the poster that it gets better when they hit mid 20's! I do still buy my step sons Easter eggs though. :)

Andylion · 31/03/2018 20:49

You married a man with kids but you don't want to see his kids?

The OP has said she doesn't have a problme with seeing the kids. It's the girlfriends she objects to.

OP, you have every right not to want your DSS's girlfriends stay over. Those posters saying it's the DSS's home too, I think the fact that it's the OP's home, trumps that.

Belindabauer · 31/03/2018 20:49

I agree with the op regarding the dss.
It's her house, she doesn't have to tolerate random girls sleeping in her home.
I think the dp is being very disrespectful here.
Would he find it ok if his 16 years old daughter was sleeping at an 18 year old boy/mans house? When she is supposed to be at her mother's ?

Put your foot down op and tell your dp from now on nobody else sleeps overnight.
If he wants to do that he can sleep at the girls house or his mother's house but not yours.

DullAndOld · 31/03/2018 20:49

' should I have to ask him?'

well,,,,yes...:)

spicerack · 31/03/2018 20:49

I completely understand where you're coming from. 5/14 isn't technically a lot but every other weekend and 5/14 is a lot if they're not your children. It's tricky because you still need to be comfortable in your own home but it's you partners home too. Sorry I know it's not helpful but wanted you to know you're not in the wrong and I understand.

Hisnamesblaine · 31/03/2018 20:49

Think your getting a hard time on here OP. As other posters have suggested the girlfriend could come over in the day but stayin over after only a week? No way. Does your husband really think that this is acceptable? And what an example for the other kids in the house! And does the 26 year old girls parents know were she Is? I wouldn't want my child staying in a house of strangers. You have every right to not be happy

Hisnamesblaine · 31/03/2018 20:51

Ooops 16 year old girl not 26!

DullAndOld · 31/03/2018 20:54

I agree - three sexual partners already this year??!?? and bringing them all to your house? Why does your DH think it is OK for his child to be sexually incontinent?
And has he been to the clinic to be checked for STDs ? Frankly he should.
Put your foot down OP.
Can still get them an Easter Egg I suppose..

Strawberry2017 · 31/03/2018 20:55

I could understand if it was a long term girlfriend but I personally wouldn't be impressed with him bringing 3 in such a short amount of time.
I suspect father wouldn't be as understanding if this was a DD we were walking about.
I think you need to stop hiding from them but I think you need to discuss the DS and the girls in more detail.

User14567 · 31/03/2018 20:55

It sounds like you really dislike your step kids but have given no good reason for why.
“Man child” is usually an insult for a man who behaves very immaturely in relation to his age. This 18 yo is behaving like an 18 year old.
I have anxiety. I also have an adult teenage stepson. Its not always easy but he is always welcome in my home because it’s also his home and he is part of my family.
YABU. Do everyone a favour and just stay in the car.