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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hide from the stepkids

163 replies

Boxingdaydisappoints · 31/03/2018 19:32

I'm sitting in my car "hiding" from my stepchildren! I suffer from anxiety and generally struggle with their visits to their dad. They're with us 5 nights a fortnight which includes EOW. DP and I have a good relationship, and agree on most things other than the children.

The kids are mid teen and a young adult and the young adult is very sexually active, yet still wants all the perks of being a child. This means he wants Easter eggs and pocket money, yet we're currently entertaining his third sexual partner this year. I can't deal with it, that's why I'm hiding. DH doesn't see a problem, but due to my MH issues my home is my safe place and I'm not happy with it being used as a knocking shop for a man child.

Please be gentle, but any advice gratefully received.

OP posts:

AnnieAnoniMouser · 31/03/2018 21:23

Is your DH trying to be ‘Cool Dad’?

Tell him he needs to stop and act like a parent. In most people’s homes it’s not OK for a teenager/adult child to have a string of ‘girlfriends’ staying over. It’s not nice for the parents and it’s certainly not good for the younger siblings.

In your situation, I think I’d move out into my own place. Nothing to stop you staying at his when the kids aren’t there or him staying at yours if you really, really, want to stay with him.

However, given he doesn’t take your needs or wishes into consideration, I’m not sure why you ‘love him so much’.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 31/03/2018 21:24

When my son’s girlfriends stay overnight they sleep in the downstairs guest room and my son sleeps upstairs. This is of my son’s choosing because he was raised to be a gentleman and the girls he dates are respectable

Wow.

user1473878824 · 31/03/2018 21:28

A lot more has happened in this thread than what I’m about to comment on so sorry if you’ve clarified this but I was totally on your side OP, I did get it and thought people were being a little harsh. Until “I don’t want to see them.” Now I think you are the problem.

happypoobum · 31/03/2018 21:31

Regardless of what any of us think about the DSS and his sex life, there is a problem here.

Your home is also your DP's home and your DSS home. You are the odd one out in this. DP and DSS both think this is fine. You don't.

What does DP say about your issues with the DSC and your problems with the nights/days they are with you?

I have been a SM and I know it is difficult. Maybe it just isn't for you OP?

LucilleBluth · 31/03/2018 21:32

How did the first poster not tell the op that's she's fucking bat shit and totally unreasonable. For fucks sake. I've had enough MN for tonight.

Calatonia · 31/03/2018 21:35

Age of consent or not, a 16 year old girl would not be sleeping in my son's bedroom when he was 18. In fact he was 20 and she was 16 and they had been together for 6 months but she still had the guest room: and we spoke to her parents before she stayed over.
And if the situation were reversed hell would freeze over before we let our 16 year old daughter stay over at the home of a man she'd only just met.

In your situation, BoxingDay, I'd be laying down the law (or getting DH to do it) as others have suggested - no one stays the night until at least 3 months after you have first been introduced during the day.
In fact I'd be asking why this girl needs to sleep over - is it necessary because she lives in another town, because there are no buses, whatever? You could offer to run her home.... meet her parents..... that should but a damper on his tom-catting around. Or force him to find an alternative venue for his trysts.
Good luck.

MaggieS41 · 31/03/2018 21:37

user147 that’s what I thought but she meant the girlfriends..

Makingdinner · 31/03/2018 21:38

Yanbu op. Neither my dss or ds will ever be bringing 3 girls in 3 months back to my house to have sex! Long term relationships fine casual shags no!

Quietlife1979 · 31/03/2018 21:41

Who washes his bed sheets 😷

My 22 year old still like eggs but she lives with her bf. I never let her have her bf staying over either .. I really don’t see the need in it - like Christ! Can they not shag for one night!

I don’t think your being unreasonable at all

Original poster

Boxingdaydisappoints · 31/03/2018 21:44

I said earlier I didn't want to see them, i meant the gfs not the DSC. just to clarify.

OP posts:

happypoobum · 31/03/2018 21:47

So is it just GFs that the DSC are not allowed to bring home, or friends in general?

Are same sex friends allowed to stay over?

Is it the sex that bothers you?

If you are saying you don't want to see DSS girlfriends are they allowed to visit and not stay over, or do you not want to see them at all?

ohtheholidays · 31/03/2018 21:50

He's not a man child he's only 18 FFS!

But I would not have different girls coming through the house left right and center,your DH may think it's okay but it's not great for the younger DC to think that every relationship is all about sex(which they will pick up on if he keeps dating and breaking up and having sex under the same roof as them)I do have DC of my own,I have 5DC and my oldest is nearly 22 and he's bought one girl home and they would have had sex in his room but he was with his girlfriend for a year(we met her a few weeks after they met and they'd been dating for 2 months when she first stayed over),it wasn't a different girl every other week or month,we never had to say anything to our son it was common sense that he wouldn't parade lots of different girls through the house with his parents and younger siblings living under the same roof.

So get your issues straight and talk to your Husband about that and don't just put it from your point of view,tell him you don't think it's right in front of the younger children,noise travels and all that and I'm sure the younger children don't need to know what they're big brother is doing in his room with his girlfriend.

threelittledinosaurs · 31/03/2018 21:57

YANBU OP. I'd feel exactly the same.
It may be one of your DSS homes, but it is your home too, and as the parent/step-parent you set the rules. The problem is now agreeing to the same rules with your DH. I think you need to have an honest and open conversation with your DH, and explain how much it is making you anxious. Any 'D'H would not tolerate their children (regardless of their age) making their partner feel uncomfortable in their own home. I hope you and your DH can agree on some house rules, that will make you all feel comfortable.

Original poster

Boxingdaydisappoints · 31/03/2018 21:59

@LucilleBluth probably because I'm not batshit crazy!

Thanks to everyone for your messages. I've returned home now and will read again. Thanks for the advice and support it has been helpful.

OP posts:

user1473878824 · 31/03/2018 22:06

@boxingday Apologies! But I think you should work on your anxiety. This is your family...

insideoutsider · 31/03/2018 22:10

This would be my worst nightmare OP. Having young adults can be difficult - having step kids that you can't lay rules down to, even worse.

From PPs I know I'm going to be flamed for this, but there is NO WAY that I will be allowing my 'young adult' children to have sex in my house. I'm terribly old-fashioned but I believe that no one should be having sex except they are able to deal with the consequences (esp pregnancy). If I'm still providing you pocket money and you're still having to have 'contact', you're still a kid.

To make it worse, I'm supposed to be providing a bed for them to do it on?! Plus a new girl every time? Under my watch? Just no.

I learn something new on MN everyday.

OP, you have anxiety and no one would be telling you to 'deal with it' if you had coeliac or any other condition that affects your life. I feel for you and I don't know what I'd do if I were you.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 31/03/2018 22:22

He sounds pretty normal for an 18 yo, its his house to. Maybe you should be thinking about how better to deal with your anxiety.

Eveforever · 31/03/2018 22:37

The issues mentioned with the stepchildren are that the eldest is bringing short term girlfriends (basically strangers) into the house for sex and to sleepover. Secondly he expects to be treated like both a child and adult depending on the circumstances.

People have varying opinions on their position with children and sex, but most people would have a problem with their children bringing a relative stranger back to the house to have sex and sleepover, as mentioned it's a family home, not a knocking shop. His behaviour is not very considerate or respectful, has this been mentioned to him? The idea of having a set period of time of dating before he can have sleepovers in your home seems like a reasonable compromise for everyone.

In terms of behaving like an adult, I agree that it's nice to continue to buy Easter eggs for older children, though the pocket money situation is open to debate. He definitely should be helping with chores though, especially with changing his own bedding, in the circumstances leaving it to his dad is a bit disgusting.

Nice digs from some at the OP's mental health.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 31/03/2018 23:25

Eveforever most people will tell people what is acceptable in their homes. Op is hiding in her car!

Eveforever · 31/03/2018 23:39

Marriedwithchildren hiding in her car is obviously a sign that her anxiety is bad, but she didn't say that she wasn't doing anything about her anxiety and, although this makes the problems with the stepchildren worse for her, I believe she was wanting advice on how to handle the situation with her DSS. It seems like she has tried to discuss things with her husband, given this she said this is the only thing they disagree on. If we leave her anxiety to one side, she isn't asking for anything that seems unreasonable, but some people are suggesting she's nuts for having a problem with DSS shagging a string of near strangers in her home and not contributing to simple household chores, which is really unfair.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 31/03/2018 23:50

I don't agree with people who say there is no issue with her stepson bringing home random women. There is! Sometimes Regardless of anxiety you do need to step up. (I do get it!)

Eveforever · 01/04/2018 00:20

Exactly, she has anxiety, but even if she didn't, the stepson's behaviour would not be acceptable to most people, and it certainly isn't to the OP. The OP hasn't said if she has spoken to her stepson about his behaviour, or her GP about her anxiety. The OP does appear to have spoken to her husband though and he should help by talking to his son about some ground rules, it's disappointing he hasn't already. Yes, it's his home too, but that doesn't mean he can do whatever he likes as some have suggested. Hopefully the OP has sought help with her anxiety, if not I suggest she try speaking to her GP.

LemonysSnicket · 01/04/2018 02:38

What does sex have to do with Easter? I live 300 miles away from my mum, I’m 23 and live with my boyfriend... she sent us Easter eggs and a card because she loves and thinks of us and knows I love this connection. She sometimes sends me money to treat myself too because she knows I’m a bit skint rn.
By sexual partner do you mean girlfriend ?

missnevermind · 01/04/2018 03:01

I think your stepsons behaviour is disgusting and shows no respect to you and the rest of the family.
I have a 20 yo son who still lives at home. We have a blanket no sleepovers rule.
Male or female I ‘joke’ that I need 1 weeks notice and photo ID for somebody to stay over. My son would not disrespect us like this.

Mightymucks · 01/04/2018 03:12

OP, you are absolutely right the ting with the girl’s is not on. However I would say 3 months rather than 6 months is a more reasonable timescale for sleepovers being allowed.

If his Dad chooses to do his sheets that’s between the two of them. I can kind of see why he does it because if DSS is doing the rest of his laundry elsewhere it would be a pain for him to do a loaf just for a couple of sheets, and yours will be going in anyway so it’s not a real hassle to bung his in too.

A messy bedroom is a pain in the neck, but it is his room so unless it’s causing a problem in the rest of the house (eg no plates) you shouldn’t really get involved.

Does he clean up after himself around the rest of the house? After he’s cooked? Does he put his plates in the dishwasher and wipe up? Does he leave stuff lying about? If so I can kind of understand his Dad not wanting him to end up cleaning things which he uses little in comparison to you two when he’s not staying for a limited amount of time anyway.

Could your DH afford to pay for a cleaner do you’re not left with the extra work from extra people?

You need to be assertive about the girls though. It’s OTT to hide and that is an anxious reaction, but it’s totally normal not to want a succession of complete strangers in your house.

You need to tell DH and DSS that you’re not tolerating it anymore and will ask these girls to leave next time it happens. Hopefully DSS will be so afraid of being embarrassed he won’t risk it.

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