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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hide from the stepkids

163 replies

Boxingdaydisappoints · 31/03/2018 19:32

I'm sitting in my car "hiding" from my stepchildren! I suffer from anxiety and generally struggle with their visits to their dad. They're with us 5 nights a fortnight which includes EOW. DP and I have a good relationship, and agree on most things other than the children.

The kids are mid teen and a young adult and the young adult is very sexually active, yet still wants all the perks of being a child. This means he wants Easter eggs and pocket money, yet we're currently entertaining his third sexual partner this year. I can't deal with it, that's why I'm hiding. DH doesn't see a problem, but due to my MH issues my home is my safe place and I'm not happy with it being used as a knocking shop for a man child.

Please be gentle, but any advice gratefully received.

OP posts:
DullAndOld · 31/03/2018 20:57

User that is really harsh.
Why should OP "stay in her car"? it's her bloody house!

Momo18 · 31/03/2018 20:58

Hmm. By the sounds of it the 18 year old is taking the piss. Firstly he shouldn't be letting gfs of one week sleep in the house, what if they stole something and tbh it would make me feel uncomfortable. Secondly he should be picking up after himself, contributing to cooking when he's in and helping with the dishes or the lawn etc when he's home. He also should be stripping his own bed and changing it. Buy him a second bed set, tell him before he leaves to strip it and put a clean one on ready for next week.

Op you have drip fed some of this. If my DS did this at 18 i would be on edge too, nobody wants a stranger amongst them whilst their relaxing on weekend mornings.

DullAndOld · 31/03/2018 20:59

..and frankly a sexually active Stepchild of 18 that changes his GF every month needs to be told! it's not OK!

NWQM · 31/03/2018 21:00

Why are you are 'hiding'? Do you mean that you need some space? Can you build in this in to future visits? Is it the frequency of the visits or is it that it is in a stretch. Do they all come at the same time? If over night guests have been the norm then you although you can say no I suppose it's tricky now. Perhaps when there is yet another new girlfriend?

VladmirsPoutine · 31/03/2018 21:00

Step-parenting imho is fraught with problems. Yes bio-linked families also have problems but there's another sort of layer with step-families. To that end I can't blame you, you say that had you known what you knew prior to getting involved you might have paused for thought. That said, we are where we are.

There are two options here; let's deal with the most blunt: you divorce your dh.

Otherwise: you need to start laying down the law and get your H onside. In my view it's your H's chilled out attitude to the point of horizontal that renders him the unreasonable one. Perhaps he feels reluctant to be strict with them as due to the nature of their visits he might want to keep it all familial and light (i.e. not nagging them). But washing and changing your sheets and cleaning up after yourself is just the proper way to conduct yourself self wherever you are (home or not). It need not detract from 'family time'. If he doesn't realise this and support you with it then in you're going to be for a lot of stress and anxiety for the foreseeable future.

gettingtherequickly · 31/03/2018 21:00

5 nights out of 14 will feel like no time at all to your DH. I have two stepkids and we have them the majority of the time. DH still misses them when they aren't here (and so do I).
Once they get over the age of consent then partners are allowed to stay over, but we expect them to be respectful and polite, they also help out with chores, we ask them to help and they agree, it's the way families are isn't it?

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/03/2018 21:02

This isn’t a gf. It’s a random girl he’s fucking at the moment. I think you should try talking to your dp about this. Try using the tack that it’s a terrible example for the younger kids. Even better if one of the stepkids is a girl. Wouod he like it if his girl started going off and sleeping in all and sundry houses at 16? Then set some ground rules of the definition of a gf. Eg 6 months.

VladmirsPoutine · 31/03/2018 21:02

*If he doesn't realise this and support you with it then you're going to be in for a lot of stress and anxiety for the foreseeable future.

ILikeyourHairyHands · 31/03/2018 21:02

I think you're getting a hard time here OP (stepmums do on MN, I'm not a SM but I've seen it repeatedly), I wouldn't be happy about my DS brining in a succession of women/girls into the house in short succession for a number of reasons. I'd feel invaded (and I'm a very sociable person), I'd be concerned about his lack of respect for women (and I've slept with many people in my time) and I just don't think bringing short-term, casual sexual partners back to a parent's house is that appropriate, it complies a Lack of respect, and really is treating your house like a knocking-shop. Fine if he wants to shag, just find somewhere else to do it!

I think you're in a difficult position OP, as your DH is obviously fine with it, is he in some way trying to buy you DSS's approval? If be interested to know if his Mum is happy with this at her house.

User14567 · 31/03/2018 21:04

Dull
then maybe OP should just tell him, or ask his dad to, instead of moaning about him and calling him names?

WorraLiberty · 31/03/2018 21:04

I can't believe anyone would refer to a teenager as a 'man child'.

He's 18 not 81.

Of course he's a 'man child'. He's still got a lot of maturing to do at this age.

MaggieS41 · 31/03/2018 21:05

Anxiety sucks but if it’s just the situation with your step kids you need to figure out a solution quick! To all those people that say you should love your step kids like your own have little understanding of people’s individual circumstances. In this case it seems that you have not developed a relationship with your step kids that allows you to be honest and open with them, perhaps because of clashing personalities, outside influences or lack of support from your DP. If he was your son and behaved like that you would probably have no problem telling him how it is! You’d probably tell him to get a place of his own if he wants to bring home his ‘gf’s’!! But because he’s not, if you open your mouth and not get support, you’ll just come out looking bad. This is a situation where ‘love them as your own’ or ‘treat them as your own’ doesn’t really work for everyone! The important thing to remember is they are your DP’s kids and he loves them unconditionally but perhaps tell him that allowing this behaviour is not going to do them any favours in the future and that you want them to be responsible and respectful in your home. (Not sure if it’s his house or yours, shared ownership, shared rent etc as apparently that has a lot to do with how you are regarded....)

Anyway good luck. Sounds shit but only you can make it better for yourself.

FinallyHere · 31/03/2018 21:07

other than the children.

The thing about having a home, is that it is your sanctuary. Are you sure you want to share it with this family?

crazycatlady5 · 31/03/2018 21:07

He’s 18. Surely he can sleep with who he likes? And as for childlike behaviour, I am 33 and last year was the first time my mum didn’t get me a stocking at Christmas (and I was very upset - although not really).

crazycatlady5 · 31/03/2018 21:08

My 42 year old brother still got a stocking. Humph.

leighdinglady · 31/03/2018 21:08

Why on earth are people saying "five in a fortnight is a lot". I wonder if people say the same to the mother for having 9? They're his children ffs. Not some distant relatives or friends

Weebo · 31/03/2018 21:10

I really don't believe the people falling over themselves to say how normal this all is would be so cool about it in their own home.

You don't bring every single person you are shagging to stay overnight when you live at home with your parents. That's the joy of moving out.

OP on that alone you are not BU. There are lot's of problems here but I think you at least deserve a bit of respect on this.

DullAndOld · 31/03/2018 21:11

" Surely he can sleep with who he likes? "

hardly in his father and stepmothers house, no, not really,
fgs tell him he needs to stop treating the house like a knocking shop and start showing a bit more respect to his parents and to his girlfriends. ONe a month is not normal.

Charolais · 31/03/2018 21:12

When my son’s girlfriends stay overnight they sleep in the downstairs guest room and my son sleeps upstairs. This is of my son’s choosing because he was raised to be a gentleman and the girls he dates are respectable. My son is 29.

RebelRogue · 31/03/2018 21:13

@crazycatlady5 he can sleep with whomever he wants,but that doesn't OP should be happy about complete strangers having sex in her house ,a new girl every month.
This month's one is 16,what if next month will be a 15 yo girl?

loubeylou68smellsofreindeerpoo · 31/03/2018 21:16

I can understand how you feel however it's shared parenting so your home is also your step children's home so not really unreasonable for an 18yr old to have gf stay over. Maybe try to get it limited to weekends

willynillypie · 31/03/2018 21:17

I don't really understand this - isn't this just normal behaviour for an 18 year old boy? Sleeping with girls, playing x box, being lazy and unhelpful? Classic student behaviour.

The bigger problem is that you are married to someone with children and don't see it as your joint home and therefore don't see that the children might see it as their part time home? I know you don't want to hear it but I think you need to get some help for your anxiety to grow closer to the children, otherwise I don't see how your relationship has a future.

User14567 · 31/03/2018 21:18

When my son’s girlfriends stay overnight they sleep in the downstairs guest room and my son sleeps upstairs. This is of my son’s choosing because he was raised to be a gentleman and the girls he dates are respectable
If you have raised a man who believes that women are either “respectable” or “not respectable” based on their sex lives, you have not raised a “gentleman”.

DullAndOld · 31/03/2018 21:19

agree with user in fact v suspicious of anyone who divides girls into 'respectable' and 'not respectable' tbh.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 31/03/2018 21:22

Have you actually discussed all this with your partner? What does he say? I am afraid that 5 in 14 isn’t very much to have to manage. However, I would expect your partner to take responsibility for shopping/cooking/washing/cleaning associated with his children. I would also expect some ground rules you have both agreed on being used with the children - saying a girlfriend of at least 6 months can stay over would be a good compromise if you think you would be more comfortable with that.