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AIBU?

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Original poster

To hide from the stepkids

163 replies

Boxingdaydisappoints · 31/03/2018 19:32

I'm sitting in my car "hiding" from my stepchildren! I suffer from anxiety and generally struggle with their visits to their dad. They're with us 5 nights a fortnight which includes EOW. DP and I have a good relationship, and agree on most things other than the children.

The kids are mid teen and a young adult and the young adult is very sexually active, yet still wants all the perks of being a child. This means he wants Easter eggs and pocket money, yet we're currently entertaining his third sexual partner this year. I can't deal with it, that's why I'm hiding. DH doesn't see a problem, but due to my MH issues my home is my safe place and I'm not happy with it being used as a knocking shop for a man child.

Please be gentle, but any advice gratefully received.

OP posts:
RebelRogue · 31/03/2018 20:20

@Boxingdaydisappoints are there any rules about the kids doing chores and pulling their weight while they're there or is that anything goes as well?

Original poster
Boxingdaydisappoints · 31/03/2018 20:20

I do worry about being a step grand parent too!! I hope he's being sensible!!!

OP posts:
Momo18 · 31/03/2018 20:20

Look op I'm going to be blunt here and this is coming from another person with anxiety. You need to get help for the anxiety, I don't see anything odd about the situation and you married a man with kids, so your life has to include them too, hiding in a car and getting anxious over it all is irrational, as you probably already know. What exactly about the situation is making you anxious? You marry a man with kids, you open your home as a family home. Also 5 nights out of 14 is a lot less then 50/50, it's not a lot.

I get you feeling uncomfortable with women you don't know wandering around your house, I'd not like that either. Can he not stay at their house sometimes?

gillybeanz · 31/03/2018 20:20

Does your dh clean up after them, wash the sheets and cook etc or is it left to you?
I'm going to go against the grain and say that my dc had to be a couple for a year before I'd let them stay over, no way would we have allowed it at a young age.
Tbh, though they were too busy to be bothered, or respected our wishes.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 31/03/2018 20:20

Sorry OP. Your husband shares children with someone else so he has them less than 50% of the time. Hide in the car. Suits everyone I'm sure!

Namesarehard · 31/03/2018 20:21

Putting aside the egg as that's just a rediculous comment, their dad lives there too there for its also their home. This is your issue not theirs.

Dozer · 31/03/2018 20:23

No, OP has an equal say in the “house rules” and is not U not to want an 18yo to have gfs stay over.

MeridianB · 31/03/2018 20:23

But is this really a ‘step’ issue? OP, presumably you wouldn’t want the constant stream of girls sleeping over if DSS was your biological son?

Lovemusic33 · 31/03/2018 20:23

Do you have any children together?
You knew he had children when you got with him? Knew they would be a big part of his life? I know it’s hard, I have been there, my anxiety was sky high too, I had 3 step children and we had 2 of our own. In the end I ended it (kicked him out). I still have contact with my step children but I don’t have the stress of having them over every week or dealing with all their problems. My anxiety was so high I was having therapy, after leaving my anxiety improved so much and life is less stressful, my step dc’s were similar ages to yours when I walked away.

You either need to except this is how things are, you can arrange to do your own thing when they are staying (get a hobby that gets you out the house, visit friends), or you leave.

trickyboots · 31/03/2018 20:25

Ooft I wouldn't like that either op. I think that the you could ask for 1 overnight every other week to compromise of having strangers in the house? And then you could make plans for that night so your feelings of security are not compromised. When you say you're anxious about it, what type of thoughts are you having around it?

upsideup · 31/03/2018 20:25

Its his house to though? At 18 he is allowed to have his girlfriend round, his dad who is his parent and in charge of him allows him to do this.

Downeyhouse · 31/03/2018 20:27

I agree that 3 girls in 3 months is excessive & actually disrespectful to you and his dad.
I would push for a “dating for 3 months rule
Before a sleepover” rule.

However you saying you don’t want them there or to see them is not good.

My own stepmother did not want me around when I moved in with them full time when my mum died. I knew it - she did a bad job of hiding it and even now 30 years later it hurts like hell. Please don’t do Thai to the kids. You will bugger up their feelings and hearts and place your dh in the middle of it all.

I think you really have to grin and bear it. And fake it.

throwcushions · 31/03/2018 20:27

How long has he been with these girlfriends before he has them to stay? Are they pleasant and respectful? I think it sounds like normal teenage behaviour I'm afraid.

RebelRogue · 31/03/2018 20:28

So none of you would actually mind your 18 yo doing fuck all, having a stream of women in your house having sex with him,and being expected to clean his room and wash his "after sec" sheets? Really??

Original poster
Boxingdaydisappoints · 31/03/2018 20:28

Good point, I'm sure I wouldn't want a biological son to have a stream of gfs staying over but I'm not sure as I don't have my own children. I was very naive when we got together and didn't realise what a step family would entail, honestly if I'd known at the beginning what I know now I doubt I'd have gone there. But I did and I love DP very much.

OP posts:
Dozer · 31/03/2018 20:28

The dad doesn’t get to decide for OP though - it is OP’s home too. Many, many teens are not allowed sexual partners to sleep over.

Dozer · 31/03/2018 20:29

Really hope you’re not doing laundry for DSS.

Pengggwn · 31/03/2018 20:29

Pick a fight? What a strange thing to imagine about someone who has agreed with (part of) your concern. Confused

Sesimbra · 31/03/2018 20:30

I agree with PP - this sounds like your anxiety talking and YABU.

You are choosing to live with this man who has two DC, one of whom is a young adult and is sexually active. It's perfectly normal to have boyfriends/girlfriends to stay.

If you don't like it you either need to address your issues or live separately from DP. I do think DP should be clearing up after his DC if they are untidy, but other than that, I can't see what he or they are doing wrong.

Missnearlyvintage · 31/03/2018 20:30

In my view, isn't it better that he's intimate with these girls in your house where you can make sure both people involved are safe/protected etc. rather than your Step son having to find other places to be intimate? What are the rules at his Mum's house regarding this?

Anxiety is awful, and therapy might help you if you are struggling, depending on where you are you may be able to self-refer online for NHS services or over the phone.

It's hard because from your posts it seems like you are not very close to your stepson, or united with your DP about his family, so you're isolated with no real control over the situation. I can't imagine this is helping your anxiety - I know I certainly struggle when I'm not 'in control'.

How long have you been with DP? Is there anything you could think of to help you bond with his kids if you are in it for the long haul with DP. Maybe you could discuss this with DP?
Maybe if you could bond together, you would feel that you were all more of a family unit, which would then help when trying to discuss any issues you have or ground rules.

Be kind to yourself about your anxiety, but do try and deal with it if possible, as you may find that treating that changes your views on other areas of your life.

Bouledeneige · 31/03/2018 20:31

Well I think you should be glad your partner is being a good Dad - he only gets to see his kids less than half the time - it will be very important to him and his wellbeing. And I'm afraid to say I think when it comes to his kids its up to him what he finds acceptable in his and his children's home (yes I think a Dad's home is his children's home too). I would be very very careful about doing anything that discourages his kids from visiting or makes them feel less at home. You should never stand in the way of a father's relationship with his kids.

I think its up to you to decide whether you can accept him and the package - his children - he comes with. Too often we bemoan men who walk away from their family - no new partner should ever be in the way of that - if he obliges you and does anything to undermine the relationship with his kids then he is being a worse person.

Lovely he buys them Easter eggs. He sounds great.

Original poster
Boxingdaydisappoints · 31/03/2018 20:31

He's been with the latest one about a week! I hadn't met her before tonight. Nice girl but I'm afraid I'm old fashioned and think she's a bit too young to be sleeping with her boyfriend of a week in a strangers house. I think she's 16, so above the age of legal consent but still very young on my eyes.

OP posts:
QueenArseClangers · 31/03/2018 20:33

Why the fuck are you doing laundry etc. for your DSS’s jizzy sheets if you’re feeling this way?

My teens (17 and 18) bung their own stuff in and I sometimes fold it and bung it at the bottom of their staircase.

One of our lads has his girlfriend staying over and as his bed is directly over ours he knows sex is a no no whilst us parents are in!
No harm in saying to him that you’d rather him not be shagging in an obvious way whilst you’re in. And if there’s dirty sheets then that’s his (or at a push his father’s) responsibility.

lunar1 · 31/03/2018 20:35

None of the details really matter, you don't want to see his kids-there is no future here, only misery if you drag it out.

DullAndOld · 31/03/2018 20:35

it is quite normal to not permit 'sexual activity' under your roof..
My mother would never have let me bring a bf home and sleep with him.

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