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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not understand how anyone can think that girls are harder work than boys

238 replies

beclev24 · 31/03/2018 04:30

I know all kids are individuals/ there are easy and difficult kids of both genders etc etc. But I've seen various threads on here about how girls are much harder work than boys, and I can't get my head round it at all.

I have 3 boys. It can be like dealing with a pack of wild animals. They are exhausting to parent (lovely and sweet and gorgeous as well of course, just very hard work.) . Tonight we went to a friend's house who has three girls of similar ages. They were so restrained and quiet and cooperative, while mine needed constant policing to stop them from bouncing off the walls. It seems to be similar wherever we go- that it is a constant struggle to get them to behave, whereas for my friends with girls it seems to happen way more naturally. The stereotype is that boys are harder work physically and girls are more complex emotionally, but my boys are also hard work emotionally! lots of tantrums/ big feelings/ complicated wants and needs/ friendship issues etc.

AIBU? Or just a bad parent?

OP posts:
gingergenius · 01/04/2018 23:06

@happy2bhomely I think you just made me realise that the reason I find my daughter more emotionally challenging is because she's s lot like me. Of all my children, my middle son has the more 'peacekeeper'/ 'feminine' role as a personality. He hates conflict. My other two will argue me into my grave.

I'd like to think we at least discuss gender stereotyping, even if I can't fully rule it out. Eg I will dissuade my daughter from assuming that she should accommodate her brothers' wishes above her own. I know I'm a single mum, so I'm modelling behaviour that seems to put me in a subservient role but honestly I think if I had all girls, I'd still behave the same (ie encouraging the youngest not to be subservient to the older siblings as a way of feeling validated).

Fucking hell parenting is hard!

IfNot · 01/04/2018 23:33

I know I'm a single mum, so I'm modelling behaviour that seems to put me in a subservient role
I don't get this. Why would being a single mum put you in a subservient role? Surely it would be the opposite? As the lone parent you are the boss! Confused

MrsKoala · 02/04/2018 00:02

Okay. so to those of you who have only girls - how many hours per day are they talking about bums and willys? and how old are they?

My boys are so proud that the first word they taught dd is POOPY.

My mum had 2 girls and neither of us ever spoke about our genitals.

Mydoghatesthebath · 02/04/2018 00:07

stick a stereotype on them and they will play upto it

Totally bollocks

MistressDeeCee · 02/04/2018 00:28

It's a stupid, mean, pointless comparison and I'd think little of parents who try to quantify or justify it

gingergenius · 02/04/2018 00:30

@IfNot because I'm the one who makes the meals, sorts everything out, organised everything etc. Their dad has a gf that's does the equivalent when they are there. They learn to assume the women do the domestic shit.

Yes I'm the boss. But I don't have help. So the gender stereotypes continue to be reinforced. In spite of my best efforts.

My exH is happy for his gf to iron his shirts, clean his house and generally reinforce this gendered nonsense but I don't have an equivalent male counterpart, so what do my kids see? A woman doing the majority of domestic work.

gingergenius · 02/04/2018 00:34

Also, as the lone patent, I take time off to look after them if they are I'll/on inset day/school hols etc. Regardless of my views and my vociferous desire for more equal parenting, it has transpired that I am the majority caregiver. Which reinforces the gender stereotype.

Lweji · 02/04/2018 00:40

As a single parent you can enforce participation in domestic tasks.

I have a son and I'm trying to ensure he gets up to speed on shopping, cleaning, cooking, doing the laundry and washing up. He knows it's collaborative work.

RosemaryHoight · 02/04/2018 01:11

I don't ever think it's better to solve your problems by fighting.

I don't think girls are bitchy or worse than boys for talking through their problems.

But it's all relative.

TheClitterati · 02/04/2018 01:28

Dealing with a pack of wild animals pretty much sums up my day. I have 2 girls

gingergenius · 02/04/2018 01:35

Yes @Lweji thanks for the explanation!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/04/2018 07:43

Ginger - but you can immediately circumnavigate your perceived issue with you having to do all the "wifework" in the house by involving all your children in doing it as well! All of you take turns - is your youngest one 9, or your oldest? If youngest, then they are definitely ALL old enough to be doing jobs - washing up, laundry, vacuuming, dusting, cleaning the bathroom etc. etc.
The only way they will learn that you are subservient is if you do ALL the shit work without getting any of them to help.

So, if you don't already, involve them - it becomes TeamGenius against the world with ALL of you pulling your weight to help the household run smoothly. And rotate the jobs as well so that there are no "girl" jobs and no "boy" jobs.

Newname12 · 02/04/2018 08:05

*Okay. so to those of you who have only girls - how many hours per day are they talking about bums and willys? and how old are they?

My mum had 2 girls and neither of us ever spoke about our genitals.*

We never spoke about our genitals because we learned early on not to. We were raised to be ladies, and were quickly hushed should we mention bodily function.

My two girls talk about farts, wee, poo, boobies, bums. Not willies so much as that’s not in their frame of reference. We get quite a bit of naked dancing. I suppose there is less actual genitalia talk because it’s not “out there”.

My mum hates it and will tell them not to talk that way.

Boys tend to get an amused reaction, girls an embarrassed negative one. It’s not suprising boys quickly learn to play up to it, girls learn not to.

Lweji · 02/04/2018 08:12

I meant that as a single parent you can fight gender stereotyping and I said how I do it with a boy.

With a girl that would involve teaching her not to accept anything less than full joint home responsibility. Even if that included showing that her dad didn't measure up.

ilovesouthlondon · 02/04/2018 08:58

I have never understood why people say this and when you ask them why the say things like girls are cheeky or they may get pregnant. I'd much rather deal with that than the issues boys can bring home. I think it's just ingrained sexism that people don't even realise they are reflecting.

Teacher22 · 02/04/2018 10:40

I have a boy and a girl now both in their late twenties. They confirmed the stereotypes. My girl was a little angel, quiet, sociable, did her homework, got top grades, was in the choir and so on while my boy was a roaring, physical, noisy, active, contrary nutjob. He nearly got thrown out of school as he was doing his A levels.

Now my boy is a lovely, sociable, polite, pleasant young man and my girlie a raging feminist who lays about her with all weapons out.

Make of that what you will.

MooPointCowsOpinion · 02/04/2018 10:43

There is so much “fart, poop, butts” talk in my house. I have two girls.
I worry about boys as teenagers, my younger brothers were always shut away in their room whereas I was always downstairs discussing the world with my mum. Any feelings they had were hidden, no wonder the male suicide rate is so high.

MooPointCowsOpinion · 02/04/2018 10:44

Teacher22 they not sound amazing, you must be so proud! I want to raise two raging feminists.

MooPointCowsOpinion · 02/04/2018 10:44

*both !

gingergenius · 02/04/2018 12:12

@ThumbWitchesAbroad yes. Thank you for the explanation. Already on board with those suggestions. Very much a work in progress. I can assure you we don't approve of gender stereotyping. But Rome wasn't built in a day!

IfNot · 02/04/2018 12:36

Ah I get you ginger. Yeah I have to fight against that too I guess, but I'm trying to get ds to see that we are a team, and he has specific areas of domestic responsibility that are non negotiable ( not that he doesn't try to negotiate!)
I say the words " guess what, I'm not your servant" a lot when he leaves mess for me.
And I'm not. I'm the Captain of the ship!
It can get exhausting sticking to my guns ALL the time but I'm determined that ds grows up functional ( unlike his dad...")
Hopefully our DILS will thank us...

DeleteOrDecay · 02/04/2018 12:45

YABU I have two girls. One is generally easy and always has been even during the terrible 2's and 3's she had her moments but the other one is a whole different kettle of fish. She is a complete handful in the same way people typically describe boys, bouncing off the walls (or on the sofa), full of energy, can keep running and running right up until bedtime, is wilfully defiant.

I don't believe it's a sex thing I think it's a personality thing. There's also the whole socialisation aspect. Girls are expected to be calm and quiet whereas with boys there's the whole 'boys will be boys' culture.

DeleteOrDecay · 02/04/2018 12:49

Okay. so to those of you who have only girls - how many hours per day are they talking about bums and willys? and how old are they?

My eldest girl is obsessed with bums, poo, farting etc and thinks they are the funniest things ever.

MrsKoala · 02/04/2018 12:52

i suspect dd will be too. She already copies the boys and says poopy and 'TOOT' when she farts and then cracks up. Others i know insist girls don't do that kind of thing! Hmm

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/04/2018 13:39

Sorry Ginger if I sounded patronising in any way - I didn't mean it to sound that way. Blush

I have 2 boys - we have TeamWitches here so that they know that it's all hands on deck (the husband doesn't always help as much as he could, so I have to help the boys to see that it's just as much their job to keep the house in order as mine)

My MIL was very much a surrendered wife and mother and would still do anything for either of her sons, and in fact tells my DH that he shouldn't be made to cook and wash up as much as he is, when he WORKS. She's no help to me at all in that respect! I, on the other hand, explain to DH that he helps with cooking and washing up and so on so that his SONS can see that it's just as much a man's job as a woman's and he is doing "good parenting" by taking his turn. It's hard though when his mother is the way she is!