to not understand how anyone can think that girls are harder work than boys

[beclev24]

I know all kids are individuals/ there are easy and difficult kids of both genders etc etc. But I've seen various threads on here about how girls are much harder work than boys, and I can't get my head round it at all.

I have 3 boys. It can be like dealing with a pack of wild animals. They are exhausting to parent (lovely and sweet and gorgeous as well of course, just very hard work.) . Tonight we went to a friend's house who has three girls of similar ages. They were so restrained and quiet and cooperative, while mine needed constant policing to stop them from bouncing off the walls. It seems to be similar wherever we go- that it is a constant struggle to get them to behave, whereas for my friends with girls it seems to happen way more naturally. The stereotype is that boys are harder work physically and girls are more complex emotionally, but my boys are also hard work emotionally! lots of tantrums/ big feelings/ complicated wants and needs/ friendship issues etc.

AIBU? Or just a bad parent?

I see what you are saying Margaret, and i would agree if DD was doing any kind of copying/role play like cooking and tidying (she doesn't see me clean - none of them do as i do it when they aren't here). But her play is entirely the same as the boys; sword fighting, lego, cars, brio, etc all apart from the bfing the doll. What i meant was she is different in that she is more receptive to instructions and she is more cautious about personal injury and she isn't as aggressive as a first response (i.e. my boys would punch and kick me at this age, she doesn't) - none of that is modelled at home regardless of our gendered roles. Now of course i'm not saying its because she is a girl, but that's what everyone else seems to think.

What I meant upthread about wondering if she'd be different if she was the first is I suspect we would have purchased different toys and clothes for her and therefore she would have been much more gendered than she is. As it is she goes to toddler groups and plays with the cars, because that's what she has at home i assume. I get annoyed tho because she hands them over to others if they try to take them, whereas my boys would have gripped hold them like fury. I try to teach her not to.

What I am curious about is when they know they are boys and girls? At almost 18mo does she know she's a girl? The boys don't even seem to think she's a girl or know what the difference is between boys and girls. They call her 'he' and treat her no differently. So why/when would she identify with me and not DH?

I don't have kids so can only go on myself and DH and our siblings. We are both the oldest by 7/8 years. I have one sister, him one brother. As children both DH and myself played alone more and could entertain ourselves whereas younger siblings needed much more input.

My sister and I played outside most of the time, running around or playing sport with the kids in the neighbourhood. My DH and his brother played outside a bit but also played video games and did a lot more imaginative play with toys than we ever did. I was quiet at school and although had friends was also bullied, my sister was part of the 'popular' group and had a lot of arguing, my husband was popular with most people but also got into a lot of fights and into trouble at school and BIL has friends but was quite badly bullied at school both psychologically and physically and that didn't stop until DH got involved.

DH and I have a couple of friends but not loads however they are old friends. DH friend definitely offered emotional support and wasn't ashamed to cry when DH told him he was ill and then terminal. My friend is the same. Both BIL and DS have some friends mostly different from school. BIL tends to not see his friends and ditches them when a woman is involved. Sister has started making new friends and goes out a lot more than me and BIL.

I have two very close in age children, one male, one female. They are older teenagers now and what I have observed is that sometimes their behaviour has been very stereotypical for their sexes and sometimes it has not. However even when ds was into making everything into fighting / driving toys and dd was into making everything into baby toys and ds couldn't keep still or comply with instructions at the same time dd was the more physically violent. So yes she'd 'breastfeed' a jar of coffee, but she'd also pull ds's hair and thump him, while ds would be banging two sticks together and running around like a loon but also crying buckets when dd ripped up his train set or thumped him.

The one thing I really noticed when they were tiny is how differently they were treated by strangers. dd always got comments on her looks (what a pretty girl etc) and ds on his behaviour (what a brave boy etc). I can't imagine that these social clues had no impact on them together with all the other interactions with family, friends, peers, teachers etc.

In the long run it's been swings and roundabouts and they have had different issues at different times. dd was a difficult baby where ds was a difficult toddler/ little boy. Both have been easy teenagers. dd shone at primary school and ds at secondary. They have both had friendship issues and successes, both been bullied at different times. Both been worried about their appearances (for different reasons) both been anxious about who they are and what their future holds. For us it's been more helpful to look at family resemblances than sex stereotypes, possibly because when it comes down to it ds has more of my traits and dd more of her dads.

nooka what a lovely balanced post! your kids sound fab.

Having 2 older girls I was aware of the teenage angst between girls however with ds I am consistently shocked by the bullying.Boys are not just physical with each other, they can be cruel and very "bitchy" about each other but its never labelled as such.This is because society seems to easily label girls/women negatively.

The boys will be merciless in picking on someone's physical characteristics..and yet boys are expected to get over it and not show hurt.
This is less so in teen girls as being ruthless would get you a bullying label and is then often frowned upon.
Boys however seem to rise in status if they manage to bully.

I had thought boys were easier, based on society's feedback, but I now think teen years for boys is tougher and can damage their mental health however its mostly ignored.
I can now see why some men grow up to be abusive as the power and control starts early on and emotions are not expressed in a healthy way.

It's interesting about being complimented on looks. Everyone thinks DS2 is a girl. He is the most stereotypically beautiful of the 3 and he has a 'girls name'.

By the age of 14, I wonder how many times the average girls has heard someone say "girls are bitchy"?

My dd has short hair.

It was really quite interesting how people treat her, depending on what she was dressed in. Jeans and a jumper, people assumed boy and praised her braveness, commiserated with me about having such an active boy, parents would pull their girls out the way because “that boy wants to climb all the way to the top”. I’d be stopped in the street as she was sprinting uphill to be told i’d be grateful when she was a teen because boys are easier at that age.

In a dress and i’d get people pointing out she was at the top of the slide and did i know, or want her to get down? People asking her if i knew she was up the tree and to be careful of getting dirty.

That doesn’t include the idiots like the old woman who stopped me in the street to ask me why i’d let my son go out wearing his sisters clothes.

Another one was a mum of a boy looking at dd and telling me she wished she had a girl. Cooing over dd’s little bag and saying how girls liked all that, did she have her dolly or her colouring books in there?. Only for dd to open her bag and tip out a load of cars, trucks an planes.

DS is 10yo, and definitely boy like. He's complimented on looks as often as the girls were at each age. They've all been told they should model by various people.

I had five boys and now have two granddaughters. I am shocked at how boisterous and noisy they are and find them exhausting. I don’t remember my boys ever being so loud, the shrieking and squealing is a shock to me! They are lovely, of course.

I have 3 boys and 1 girl. DD drives me up the wall, she is relentless. I can tell the boys no and they will get over it but she will scream and argue until the cows come home.
It's also not an age thing she is a twin, her twin brother has his moments and acts on impulse a lot so hitting out etc. You can see dd planning her next move though.

I'm sure there are others who find boys more hard work, mine tend to just be more chilled out and go with the flow.

I'm lucky enough to have one of each now. My ds at 5 is boisterous and outgoing but also incredibly sensitive and emotional. As a baby though he was very content to sit with puzzles and play that way, always within arms reach of me. And hated to be dirty. He has a baby doll he loves and even took it around with him when I had my dd. He was even play bfeeding her in a soft play area when i fed his sister.
Dd is 14 months and such a handful! She is independent and outgoing, hasn't found anything she won't climb and is constantly dirty! I love pink so she's been in it from the start. However her clothes have always been practical. She was an early crawler so trousers and dungarees are the way to go, even now she's running everywhere! Her favourite toys are cars and anything that belongs to her brother. She does have a baby doll that she likes to cuddle but also loves to take her dinosaurs around for a walk. Most of her toys are brightly generic coloured as they were his when younger. Personally I find her far more a handful than her brother as I'm constantly fetching her down from things and stopping her climbing!
I think children can be forced into roles far too early. Why should they have to follow a certain type of play or activity just because of their gender? Let them be and grow up to be the people they want to become.

Ridiculous question. How can you possibly have any idea which is harder work when a) you only have children of one gender and so cannot possibly compare and b) you said yourself that all children are different, regardless of gender!

OP has three boys, friend has three girls. Maybe if there were a mix of boys and girls in each family, the differences between the sexes would be less obvious as they would be exposed to each other.

No idea, but I think girls might be harder work in terms of the societal expectations from birth. Girls are expected to comply a bit more which I imagine is quite exhausting. Even watching the mum's of girls worrying about them climbing 'the wrong way' at the baby gym whereas the boys are left to it a bit more. Even smaller things like girls having to have their hair brushed and washed, it's not a daily thing for boys. Girls are quicker socially and with writing etc so it's more competitive. My son is quite good at school but the mums of boys seem to not really care about being competitive in that sense.

Are we still gender stereotyping? Really? Children are children, with a few exceptions (like in autism presentation) there are no differences in behaviour and characteristics in children based on their XX/XY chromosomes. All children can be feral, all children can be ‘manipulative’, all children can be easy or hard depending on their personality and the subliminal parenting they’ve been exposed to.

Enough.

I agree with the first part of your post marvellous

But 'enough'

Is that supposed to be a posher way of saying 'fact'

I have really enjoyed reading this post, thank you! I’m 24 and have a 3 year old DS and a nearly 4 month old DD so still feel quite new to everything. This has been very reassuring reading, thank you everyone 😘

When I was a little girl my parents let me out to play at an early age . I would play with other local kids and have fun. Behaviour wasn’t a problem most of the time. They were strict when other adults were around. I knew my boundaries and was too scared to go over them. Children today don’t have the freedom to be and therefore the society we live in and the environment means their behaviour makes a difference to everyone around them. They are never alone. Some parents want to give them freedom without boundaries other parents want to control totally and all in between. I think what I am saying is parents can control their behaviour but some children would have to be beaten into submission and we don’t want to go back to that, do we! So it’s all compromise. Trying to be loving , kind and fair but giving a few boundaries.

I have three boys under 6. They are harder than girls. Girls sit around playing with glitter. All my friends have girls. There is a reason my profile name is what it is. Boys.

I do think for all the gender stereotyping awareness we’ve actually taken a massive step back. I feel girls and boys a far more stereotyped now than when I was growing up. I was talking to my dm (65) about her childhood and her and all her sisters only played with guns/swords/football, very physical stuff. They also played outside ALL DAY with zero adult supervision so there was little opportunity for stereotyping so much with toys and activities. Nowadays kids barely go in their own back gardens!

I’ve got 2 boys and my sister has a now 18 year old girl. Girls are definitely harder than boys. Yes boys are wild and punch punch punch and wrestle/noise/wrestle but with girls it’s emotional dramarama...it gets intense when teenage years hit. Jeremy Kyle every day. Boys won’t pull that on you, They argue but it gets forgotten about. Girls are evil to each other! Proper destroy your life type revenge stuff. Boys don’t care that much. The girls in my boys class. Blimey. My boy doesn’t care or notice if he doesn’t get an invite to a party. If you have a girl who doesn’t get invited to a mates party World War 3. So yes they are harder from an emotional non existent imagine drama point of view but with boys you have to give more energy. I’ve skating, skiing, trampolining...wear them out or suffer the consequences. So they are harder work in a physical sense. That’s my experience.

Plus nobody cares if my boys have stained t shirts and uncut hair. My niece takes 2 hours to put her eyebrows on 😳

I have two of each. You should see my girls kicking and punching (and particular favourite - pinching) each other. Other times, they are beautifully behaved. As are my boys. On other occasions, all hell breaks loose. I have been known to say that if I had 4 of one sex, I'd prefer boys though...

But my girls are closest in age, I might think different if the boys were very close in age/competitative!