to not understand how anyone can think that girls are harder work than boys

[beclev24]

I know all kids are individuals/ there are easy and difficult kids of both genders etc etc. But I've seen various threads on here about how girls are much harder work than boys, and I can't get my head round it at all.

I have 3 boys. It can be like dealing with a pack of wild animals. They are exhausting to parent (lovely and sweet and gorgeous as well of course, just very hard work.) . Tonight we went to a friend's house who has three girls of similar ages. They were so restrained and quiet and cooperative, while mine needed constant policing to stop them from bouncing off the walls. It seems to be similar wherever we go- that it is a constant struggle to get them to behave, whereas for my friends with girls it seems to happen way more naturally. The stereotype is that boys are harder work physically and girls are more complex emotionally, but my boys are also hard work emotionally! lots of tantrums/ big feelings/ complicated wants and needs/ friendship issues etc.

AIBU? Or just a bad parent?

down it gets better.

I have 6 kids so 4 lads and 2 girls. Girls youngest now 18/19 lads older twenties.

Had my dss in my 20s and lived on a small estate that all has girls!! I was ostracised as my lads were loud, boisterous and definatly didn’t do quiet.

My dds were great at everything including rough play and ‘licking and sticking’ but they had sense. They knew the social nuances of life. They just did. They could read people.

My lads couldn’t.

Fast forward 18 years and I have a grandson who I need to watch like a hawk incase he pushes another child over in a toy dispute

Generally in my experience of himdresds of children over the years girls get the social norms quicker than boys generally and that makes them appear easier. But appearances are just that. Surface.

The girls are easy to begin with but it all goes up in smoke when they hit puberty. Going to an all girls school scarred me for life. I am quite grateful for my ill behaved boys.

My dd(5) is an angel! Slept through the night from a baby, does as she’s told, helps me, sits down and play nicely, does arts and crafts quietly for ages.

My ds(3) is like a wild chimpanzee! He doesn’t sit still, jumps about, throws things, never sleeps and runs off constantly!!

My friends kids are pretty similar so the consensus in my friendship group is that girls are so much easier than boys!

I definitely find DS harder as he never rests bashes about. DD is gentle but very emotional.

I do not know why the girls get the worst reputation. I've more niece's than nephews they have all been easier than the boys.

I have two girls. Both encouraged to be outdoorsy and energetic. Oldest was a complete live wire, we joked she had ADHD. I was super fit keeping up with her. She struggled settling into school and we eventually got a referral for assessment of SN. She has ASD. So we had all the physical bouncing around as a younger child and now the hormones and friendship angst of a pre-teen. She is trying to fit in as a girl and it’s exhausting for her. I’d take the physicality of a boy any day. When she was younger people described as being like a boy as she was physical and preferred cars to dolls.

And as for boys being more affectionate, really? Mine are both as loving and cuddly with me as can be imagined. They also cuddle each other a lot.

I have 2 boys and a girl. They are different and present different challenges as they grow up. I found my daughter easier as a baby but she is much more emotionally intense at 9 than my boys were. But each of mine has presented differently at different ages and stages of development. Just part of life's ebb and flow I guess!

I have two DDs. Dd1 is just how you describe your boys. Hyperactive, impulsive, doesn't follow instructions. Dd2 is (so far) much easier, at least when alone. She's happy to potter and play with jigsaws or her train set.

I've two daughters and two sons. At home, they seem the same amount of work. I've had times when my youngest son (6) has been quietly reading cuddled up next to my while his older sister (8) has been running up and down the hall singing at top volume and unable to hear me as she's wearing her ear defenders (and getting her to read anything but comics is like getting broken teeth pulled). All but my youngest have had big friendship fallouts and issues. Sometimes I think they take it in turns to cause the most mayhem and get into the biggest fights with others so none of them stand out as individually more difficult.

Outside the home, I would say my daughters have been harder work purely because of other people's comments and behaviour rather than their own. While my sons have had people make comments, both are also given a lot more chances by adults and other kids on their behaviour and emotional control. People are far more harsh on my daughters and both of my daughers (8 & 11) have already had to deal with sexual harrassment and threats. Dealing with my oldest in tears at 11 after he shaved half his head with scissors because he was tired of people saying he's too girly and 'just want to be cool' was heartbreaking, but having my then 7 year old daughter ask why the older boys (10-11) had been asking about her vagina and things they threatened to shove up it is one of those hardest days I could never have prepared for situations. For me, helping my daughters deal with other people and prepare for the future seems a lot harder than doing so for their brothers...

I don't like steteotyping at all and I find my ds no easier or more difficult than my dd. However... I am a teacher, and I have to admit that I have taught far, far more boys who were difficult than girls. By miles and miles. And very boy-heavy classes tend to be a bit of a nightmare. And I genuinely don't think that's because I personally am more 'suited' to managing girls. I do think it's socialised not inherent though.

Yanbu. And the stereotype of boys as basically boisterous puppies is false. I have 4 brothers-all very different to one another, and a son who is active, obsessive, complicated, emotional and loving.
Girls are stereotyped as manipulative, self conscious, clever and conscientious but I know so many tween boys who fit that description to a T. Kids are all different.

I have 2 sons and 3 daughters.

One of my daughters is more difficult than the other 2. She is most like me! Other than that they are all very different. Some emotional, some sensitive, some very physical.

I honestly think that women are harder on other women and girls, including their own daughters. I think we probably recognise ourselves in them more and this leads us to be more critical of them and clash with them more, so we consider them harder work.

I think for lots of women, their relationships with their sons are the only positive male relationships they have and it feels wonderful to see men and boys from 'the other side' and finally feel like you can properly connect with them in a way you can't with other males. I think in comparison to other men, they seem so special and it makes us see them as easier than girls.

As women, we are brought up to excuse bad behaviour from males all of the time and this just continues when we have our own. Boy will be boys etc whereas girls are manipulative or bitchy.

I find our sons easier and DH finds our daughters easier!

My boys are retrained, quiet and cooperative and have never been the sort to be bouncing off the walls. My dd(14) is a 5ft 8 bouncing ball of sarcasm and hormones.

I’ve got sons who are now in their early twenties. I absolutely loathe “boys will be boys” or boys are like dogs etc. No, they’re bloody well not. Stick a stereotype on to them and they’ll live up to it.

DS1 would sit quietly for hours. He’d read, colour, build with Lego, play with Playmobil and do role play. DS2 was content to do whatever I was doing, tbh. He liked being outdoors more than DS1 and he’s always had as many girls and friends he has boys.

It pisses me off that women don’t expect men to behave to the same standards as they hold themselves to. They get drunk, be offensive, piss in wardrobes, act the prat but someone will always be along and say “boys will be boys” with a tinkly little laugh.

MrsKoala 2ish? Based on my sample of my nearly 2yr old DS. He's about 90% accurate with shouting 'hello man' or 'hello lady' at strangers, and knows my very butch lesbian friend is a lady despite her short hair and prefering mens jumpers. He's also started saying 'boy' when before for ages all children were 'baby'.
I don't think he thinks that boys 'play with boys' yet as almost all of the other NCT group babies were girls so he's more used to them.

I've only got the one DS so far but i've noticed parents of girls seem much more cautius in playgrounds!

Stick a stereotype on to them and they’ll live up to it

This. This.

So many people who don’t even realise that this is what they’re doing. Confirmation bias. They see what they expect to see.

I am reading posts on here where people say “i have one of each and the boy does x, the girl does y, so it’s definitely down to gender”. Well i have two the same and one does x, the other does y, so how can it be down to gender?

People honestly don’t see outside influence. They swear they have brought the boy and girl up the same. Yet the language used round girls and boys is completely different, even in utero. I don’t believe in gender stereotypes, and i still find myself saying things like “big girls blouse”. it is so subconscious.

I am househunting atm the the main thing i am noticing is the gender stereotyping of decor. Boys rooms are blue, football related, trophies and medals displayed. Girls are exclusively pink, with fairies and dolls. I find it odd that i can leave a house knowing what genitalia the occupants have, but nothing about them as people.

Dear Op
you are not a bad parent
boys are not girls
don't compare as your friends who gave girks have NO idea ....
so if they are sitting looking all smug just ignore it .
from my experience of nannying over twenty years i find boys much easier
but i think it's because i've looked after predominantly boys .
i know how they tick
like a clock
one tiny cog out of place and they erupt
..
easily remided tho
lots of sleep
lots of time outside
everyday
structure and rules
limit screen time
messy play opportunities
nutritious food
limit crap snacks
with boys if you fall out they get over it ...

with girls it sinners on for ages
weeks
also the trying to be top girl in the house and jealous of any rival
i find that tricky

to add to all that so people don't think i'm steep typing i've noticed boys will be calmer sit and read for ages
play games etc
as long as all other things in place
...
these days we are in danger of trying not to stereotype but are saying grins need to be tough and wild
and boys should be quite
aren't we doing the stereotype in reverse
(obviously all
girls need to go outside also and run about and have few messy playtime )

I don't know what's wrong with my kids then because they swear blind i have a penis and that the only reason DD doesn't have one is because she is a baby and has a 'flat weasel' which will grow as she becomes a boy

these days we are in danger of trying not to stereotype but are saying grins need to be tough and wild
and boys should be quite
aren't we doing the stereotype in reverse

Nobody has said that?

The point is not that we should force children against stereotype, but that these “inherent traits” people see are likely down to personality, rather than gender. Or people noticing rowdy behaviour in boys because it’s what they expect, but ignoring them sitting quietly.

I have one child who is extremely active, has no fear, ignores social niceties, hates dolls, likes helicopters and planes. The other is bothered about friends opinions, tries really hard to fit in, is more cautious physically. The second child is “easier” because i don’t have to have an eye out constantly to check if they're leaping off something, and will be in the same place if i leave for a moment.

If i told you i had one of each you’d nod wisely and say, yes, boys and girls are very different. Boys are much more physical and girls are always manipulating friendship groups.

And i’ve had people say that to me when the assume my childs gender from their observation of their behaviour. But they’re both the same sex.

My dd is about 8x harder work than my ds. In almost every way.

My dd is about 8x harder work than my ds. In almost every way.

Because she’s a girl? Or because that’s how she is?

My eldest is 8x harder work than the youngest. In almost every way. But they are both the same sex, so i’m fairly sure it’s personality rather than sex.

I don't know. I swore blind that it was all socialisation. And then I had DS who really needs at least 2 hours hard physical play a day or he can't sleep. Neurological differences (has SN) or gender? No idea but agree that all the roughhousing is very tiring.

And then I had DS who really needs at least 2 hours hard physical play a day or he can't sleep

I have a girl like this. She drove me mad until I put her in gymnastics. She finally slept past 5.30 am when they upped her training hours to 15 a week.

So is it gender? Or just some kids are more physical than others?

I needed at least 2 hours physical play. I still do. I'm totally a girl.(All humans need a good portion of outdoor physical activity).

Not sure. I have a mad boy and then a much calmer one. My friend has two girls who barely stop moving/arguing/dancing around. In both cases the kids haven't been exposed to much gender stereotypes yet, as we have both let our kids do what suits them and nursery do the same things with both girls and boys. I don't know what the answer is!

@IfyouseeRitaMoreno oh gosh that's just awful - how is your son now??

It sounds like the most harrowing scene in the best picture Oscar winning film Moonlight from 2017.

When it was released digitally I made my then 13 year old DS watch it with me to learn the importance of tenderness, and urged my friends with teenage boys to do the same.