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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so pissed off with husband's attitude to 'helping' with our children?

180 replies

WaitingForSunday17 · 30/03/2018 18:17

Was just cooking dinner and noticed dd needed changing. Asked DH (lying on sofa) to change her and he said 'when you're the one going to work all week I'll change her'

I'm a sahm. In the main it is fair that the house and children are my responsibility but this attitude really pissed me off. She's his daughter too!

OP posts:
GoldfishCrackers · 31/03/2018 15:36

Future-proof yourself by getting a job and asking yourself if you can stomach this level of disrespect for the next 50 years.

YouTheCat · 31/03/2018 15:37

Yummy, how would any of that have made this specific situation easier?

OP was busy and their dd needed changing. No matter what it was that she was doing - cooking, having a shower, ironing - she couldn't do both things at once and her dh should have stepped up.

What would make things a whole lot easier for the OP would be to leave the misogynistic wanker so she had one fewer children to look after.

PoorYorick · 31/03/2018 15:52

Your husband is a prick who doesn't deserve the family he has apparently purchased.

Parker231 · 31/03/2018 16:07

What happens if you are out for the evening or at the weekend? Does he wait until you are home rather than change or feed his DC’s?

SickofThomasTheTank · 31/03/2018 16:09

LTB LTB LTB LTB LTB LTB - Seriously

SickofThomasTheTank · 31/03/2018 16:11

Chauvinistic bastard. Let me guess, it's 'women's work???'

My ex was the first one to bath her! He would happily have changed all nappies if he could.

It's 2018

SickofThomasTheTank · 31/03/2018 16:13

If you were to split up and he had contact, he'd bloody well have to change nappies/potty training accidents!

Orangecake123 · 31/03/2018 16:32

This is something I can imagine my father saying.

Horrible attitude.

Singlikemiranda · 31/03/2018 16:50

My friend has a relationship just like this, it makes me so sad for her

yummyeclair · 31/03/2018 16:50

Youthecat, in my experience it is better to think of a long term strategy and tackle the issue - only she knows if her OH will change his attitude or not.

KatharinaRosalie · 31/03/2018 16:51

only she knows if her OH will change his attitude or not.

Has this ever happened outside of romantic movies?

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 31/03/2018 17:06

Makes me glad I'm single. I really hope my DD doesnt end up with some twatsack who wouldnt know his arse from his elbow.

My ex was a whiny twat, but he knew how to look after DD.

PatriciaHolm · 31/03/2018 17:11

If you were to split up and he had contact, he'd bloody well have to change nappies/potty training accidents!

Given he clearly doesn't give a shit (no pun intended) about the kids, (or the OP), he wouldn't. I suspect he's the kind of father who would "need a life" which would entail seeing his kids for an hour or so every few weeks, if that.

I suspect this is all rather hard to hear for the OP, but it's true. He's a waste of space, time and energy and he's certainly not in the marriage for love. Rather it's a convenient arrangement which gets his washing done and his food cooked.

FannyFifer · 31/03/2018 17:14

Why do so many women put up with this shit.
You know what he is OP, you choose what you do about it.

mrssunshinexxx · 31/03/2018 17:14

I actually can't believe people start families with men like this

YouTheCat · 31/03/2018 18:01

He really is unlikely to change his attitude.

WowLookAtYou · 31/03/2018 18:09

No he's never changed a nappy, given a bath, fed her a meal etc.

Shock Jesus! I honestly didn't realise there were still men out there like this.
I'm probably a fair bit older than you, OP, but I can certainly say that none, NONE of the men in our circle (now in 50s) had that attitude when our kids were that age. They were all pretty hands-on, including housework and cooking. In fact, I don't know many couples where the blokes don't pretty much sort most of the cooking.

You need to get him trained.

InionEile · 31/03/2018 18:13

You posted before, didn’t you Waiting? I think it was about never getting any sleep and your partner never taking turns with your DC, one of whom had special needs.

Everyone on that thread told you he was a shitty husband too and that your arrangement was totally unfair.

You need to start asking yourself what’s in this for you and your kids if he is so selfish. I know divorce is a big step but he honestly sounds like a pig with zero respect for you. Does he have any good points apart from his pay cheque?

Costacoffeeplease · 31/03/2018 18:19

And you’re still with him because .....?

LoniceraJaponica · 31/03/2018 18:24

Why did he agree to become a parent and not want to parent his children?

Upsy1981 · 31/03/2018 18:46

Does this mean you've never been out for a few hours and left him with the kids?

Lacucuracha · 31/03/2018 18:50

DS will sadly grow up just like his dad in this home.

And DD will think this is normal.

Celticrose · 31/03/2018 19:35

Changing your child's nappy is not work. It is called parenting. Your dc have 2 parents. He needs to buck up.

Daifuku9 · 31/03/2018 19:52

@inioneile is right, you did post the other thread about the sleep situation where he has lie ins and you never do. Works from home and gets up at 8:30 while you get up 6:30 every single day, up in the night when the kids awaken and he’s never gotten up with them etc.
You know you’re not unreasonable, you’ve posted and everyone has expressed what a pig he is. I think at this point you just want to blow off steam, and seems the internet is your only way. I have been in this situation, I left. That was a miserable way to live and not healthy for my boys or myself. As a single parent, working full time, it has been much happier.
You’re already working your ass off now, you’re better off working your ass off without the added stress of another adult who refuses to help out.

This is an ingrained personality flaw, and it will not change.

I suggest you get on it finding out what you can do for work etc.

Motoko · 31/03/2018 21:40

What happens if you are out for the evening or at the weekend? Does he wait until you are home rather than change or feed his DC’s?

It's obvious that OP never goes out on her own. I suspect that he wouldn't agree to her going out, and even if he did, OP wouldn't, as she knows that he won't look after them properly, changing nappies and feeding them.

@WaitingForSunday17, if you're still reading this, please don't have any more children with him, and start working on leaving him. He won't get any better, and will probably get worse the longer you stay with him.

Many women leave relationships, often with nothing but the children and the clothes on their backs, but they get through it, and their lives are infinitely better once they've come through the other side.

You can be one of those women too. You just have to take the first step.

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