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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so pissed off with husband's attitude to 'helping' with our children?

180 replies

WaitingForSunday17 · 30/03/2018 18:17

Was just cooking dinner and noticed dd needed changing. Asked DH (lying on sofa) to change her and he said 'when you're the one going to work all week I'll change her'

I'm a sahm. In the main it is fair that the house and children are my responsibility but this attitude really pissed me off. She's his daughter too!

OP posts:
AssassinatedBeauty · 30/03/2018 18:41

Has he always been like this? What was he like before you were pregnant?

I'd also think about going back to work if at all possible, even if part time, to give you some options for the future.

BlessYourCottonSocks · 30/03/2018 18:42

I would be raging. And my response would have been 'Yeah...I've done my 37.5 hours already this week as well, you prick' - or whatever it is he works.

How bloody old is he? Does he think unless he is actually at paid work he gets to lie about and someone else waits on him? Does he actually manage to wipe his own backside? Or is that your job too?

Original poster
WaitingForSunday17 · 30/03/2018 18:42

Even if I was at work it'd make no difference because he would always earn more than me so his job would be more important.
I'd end up doing everything for the children and round the house and working.

Dd is just turned 2.

OP posts:
AssassinatedBeauty · 30/03/2018 18:44

The working is not about tying to achieve parity with him, but to give you options and to maintain your ability to work in the future. Also things like paying into a pension for you and so on.

zzzzz · 30/03/2018 18:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NewPapaGuinea · 30/03/2018 18:44

So not only is his attitude towards you awful, he’s happy to leave your DD in a pooey/pissy nappy whilst he lounges about?

Ickyockycocky · 30/03/2018 18:47

It's not about who goes out to work and who works in the home, it's about working together to care for your DC.

He is well out of order and you need to nip this in the bud. Some talking is required and don't be brow beaten by him bleating on about being the one who goes out to work. What you do at home is just as valuable. Point out that whilst he's out at work you're doing everything else, including looking after his children.

Original poster
WaitingForSunday17 · 30/03/2018 18:47

Yeah. Dd actually announced she needed changing - she's not far off potty training - and I called to him to ask him to change her as I was cooking.
For reference I don't know why I bothered asking. He's never changed he before, not once.

OP posts:
AssassinatedBeauty · 30/03/2018 18:49

She's 2 and he's never changed a nappy? What?

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 30/03/2018 18:50

'The working is not about tying to achieve parity with him, but to give you options and to maintain your ability to work in the future. Also things like paying into a pension for you and so on.'

This.

Whether or not you consider being a SAHP to be a 'job' in an analogous way to a WOH job (and I don't, all other things being equal, subscribe to the MN view that the SAHP has it harder than the WOHP), the man's attitude is breathtaking in its arrogance and disrespect. While a SAHP might do the bulk of the housework, being a family means that both parents at home = all hands on deck, or at least that downtime evens out for both.

If mine came out with that (he wouldn't - and while I'm not a SAHM I definitely have the easier time of us both) I would need that long bath for serious consideration of whether he would be being asked to leave in the morning.

You deserve better.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 30/03/2018 18:51

He's never changed a nappy? In two years? Shock

You do realise that's not normal, don't you?

TheFirstMrsOsmond · 30/03/2018 18:52

Are you serious? Your 2-year-old's Dad has never changed her nappy?

Original poster
WaitingForSunday17 · 30/03/2018 18:52

I meant more that I wouldn't cope with working plus the housework and the children. Ds has ASD and dyspraxia and is quite hard work. Right now I feel I have all I can cope with although I agree that being a sahm isn't necessarily more difficult than being a working parent. In fact generally I think I get the 'easier' deal but I don't get any respite that is true.

OP posts:
Original poster
WaitingForSunday17 · 30/03/2018 18:53

No he's never changed a nappy, given a bath, fed her a meal etc.
Was the same with ds.

OP posts:
Treacletoots · 30/03/2018 18:53

Can't really add much more than what's already been said but what a prize twat. I'd kick his arse back to the 1930s where his attitude deserves to stay. (Or at least out of the house!)

TheBrilliantMistake · 30/03/2018 18:54

Changing a nappy was usually quite an enjoyable part of fatherhood. Yeah I know, it was messy sometimes, but not always. Dead easy to do (even in the terry nappy days). It's no harder than making a cup of coffee.

Tell him to man up and get his arse off the sofa.

clippityclock · 30/03/2018 18:54

Why on earth are you with this man???

Get some self respect and tell him to fuck off!

Farmerswife36 · 30/03/2018 18:55

My dh used to say the same things - he wouldn't dare now !

Treacletoots · 30/03/2018 18:55

Also,I was dreading going back to work after having DD but honestly.. juggling work and nursery is way way easier than being a SAHM. You ladies work way harder.

PuppyMonkey · 30/03/2018 18:56

He sounds a real catch OP. Tell him you won’t be asking him to help any more as he’ll be living somewhere else.

Booie09 · 30/03/2018 18:56

Sorry but he's not going to change. Stop cooking for him.

g1itterati · 30/03/2018 18:57

I would be livid OP. Don't just accept this - make a scene. He is a disgrace. I say this as a SAHM who also does all the cooking as well, but if I asked DH to do something, he would. He works all hours, but kids are kids - i.e. If they need something it's not optional.
Don't serve dinner to him or do anything else for him until there is a massive apology and attitude shift. How dare he speak to you with such disrespect!

Heartofglass12345 · 30/03/2018 18:57

Bloody hell if he was like this with your son why did you have another one with him Shock my husband would never ever say this and he does his fair share around the house too as well as take care of our children. He needs to buck his ideas up, you may as well be a single mother!

YearOfYouRemember · 30/03/2018 18:58

So he would rather risk his toddler getting nappy rash to prove he's got a dick Angry.

Treacletoots · 30/03/2018 18:58

Actually. Maybe a little aggressive but I'd be tempted to accidentally drop the dirty nappy on something he values. Sorry I can't get over what a dick he is. Real men don't behave like this.