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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so pissed off with husband's attitude to 'helping' with our children?

180 replies

WaitingForSunday17 · 30/03/2018 18:17

Was just cooking dinner and noticed dd needed changing. Asked DH (lying on sofa) to change her and he said 'when you're the one going to work all week I'll change her'

I'm a sahm. In the main it is fair that the house and children are my responsibility but this attitude really pissed me off. She's his daughter too!

OP posts:
runningoutofjuice · 30/03/2018 18:59

Crikey, what do you see in him? Exit strategy needed I think

gamerchick · 30/03/2018 19:00

OP, we put up with what we’re willing to put up with. What are you asking for here? Just to vent and for us to tell you what a cock you’ve got as a bloke?

Tell him he can make his own fucking tea.

Farmerswife36 · 30/03/2018 19:01

If he has never changed a nappy did you think he suddenly was going to ? It's disgraceful that he hasn't but if he hasn't then I doubt he is gunna start now op ! Have you ever brought up his lack of engagement with his children ? You really need to either let him no how much it's upsetting you or accept he isn't going to change ? To be honest he probably won't change but if you continue to say nothing then you can't expect him to suddenly start changing nappies etc . I'm sorry he treats you this way op . He sounds like an absolute arsehole tbh

Original poster
WaitingForSunday17 · 30/03/2018 19:01

I'm worn down and no longer sure what's reasonable and what isn't Sad

OP posts:
NapQueen · 30/03/2018 19:04

None of this is reasonable

Parents of children dont get to "not" change nappies. Its part and parcel of the role. I will bet even with all their money and staff that Prince William has changed his kids nappies.

KatharinaRosalie · 30/03/2018 19:05

so how many hours does he work, 35-40? while you work 24/7?

cooldarkroom · 30/03/2018 19:06
  1. DD is his is child too
  2. its a bank holiday
  3. tip his fucking dinner in the flower bed
  4. 24 hours in my shoes, EXIT
PuppyMonkey · 30/03/2018 19:06

It’s not reasonable for him to never change a nappy. Far from it.

C0untDucku1a · 30/03/2018 19:06

So you have an older child and he was a shit father too. Not sure why you thought he would be different now in that case but thats done now.

Do you have a pension? Is it being paid into? Do you have equal access to money?

What do you want from the relationship and is that going to happen?

I asked about the decision to be a sahm because i wanted to know if that was a decision you made together. What was discussed at the time? Has he changed his attitude or was this always the attitude? Can you have a sit down discussion about this wasnt what was agreed? Do you never go out and leave him to parent? If not, start doing that weekly.

Im assuming you dont plan to leave him. So you need to start making small changes, and keep doing that until he improves.

NewPapaGuinea · 30/03/2018 19:06

Just to reiterate, he’s an embarrassment of an excuse for a man. How this household demographic affects your DD’s attitude (woman does all the housework, man -hunts- works) also needs serious consideration.

gamerchick · 30/03/2018 19:07

Then how he behaves is not reasonable. A good dad pitches in with the child work and doesn’t get to refuse because he works.

HeadOverMills · 30/03/2018 19:07

This thread has officially put me off having anymore children!

I think I'm going to head to the docs & ask for sterilisation. I don't think I could risk having another child with a dickhead who thinks helping with his kids is "work". No thanks!

Op, I'm sorry he's a dick.....you have t got it easier at all. He has.....yes he's working but he doesn't have a boss who has temper tantrums when they are tired, hungry or simply need their bum changing.

As I say to people all the time (as a joke).....my ds is the hardest boss I've ever had! He won't let me have any time off, he cries when I walk out the room, he screams if I don't get things done quick enough, he doesn't pay my wages at the end of every month, he doesn't tell me I'm doing a good job once a year, he doesn't give me training on how to look after him, he hates when I "finish" my shift (when he goes to bed) & cries.

Your husband is in the wrong, he needs to change his attitude and quick.

NewPapaGuinea · 30/03/2018 19:08

Oh and obviously applies to your DS too. He’ll grow up with the same shitty attitude towards women.

SoozC · 30/03/2018 19:08

We don't have kids but I'm a teacher and DH does a few casual hours a week at most. But he takes care of the bulk of the cooking and cleaning. My jobs are doing the bathroom and ordering the food shop. I feel guilty he does loads though, so always try to cook at least once a week. Yes, I work long hours but I want him to know he is appreciated so want to look after him as much as I can. If we are ever lucky enough to have children he will be a SAHP and I well enjoy giving him time to himself and getting the chance to look after our child myself for a change. Even after a 50-hour working week.

It sounds like your DH doesn't appreciate you or your children. You need to have a talk about it - his attitude is not okay. Nor is the lack of looking after his children. As I said, I don't have kids but surely it's one of life's pleasures to be able to give them a bath or read them a story and tuck then in at night? Even after a hard day's work?

Tell him not everyone who wants children has them or wants a partner has one so he should appreciate them and you more. I'm quite angry on your behalf!

KoshaMangsho · 30/03/2018 19:08

Wow. Do you think if you worked he’d do any housework? And did you do the bulk of the housework before you had kids? I suspect he was a twat all along and this has amplified it. Does he ‘work’ 7 days a week?? Does he get paid holidays? Do you? Ask him that! And wow, just wow. Refusing to change one’s own daughter. And never having a done a feed or a bath. I am speechless.

DH and I work FT but each compressed into 4 days. So kids have a nanny for 3 days of the week. I say this not to show off but to demonstrate what a ‘normal’ man does: DH will do batch cooking on weekends. He does the dishes and the laundry whenever needed. I do the bulk of the cooking. Handles the bins and all DIY. Drops the older one off to school each morning on his way to work (I work in the opposite direction). When he is home for bathtime, he and I do it together. Then he reads to DS1 and I to DS2 (big age gap). On Saturdays he takes them both down in the morning, makes breakfast and gets them ready. I get a lie in till 8. He has a very very full on job and on his off day is constantly catching up on paperwork when DS is napping. And yet finds time to be a parent. To me that’s normal. What you are describing is abuse.

C0untDucku1a · 30/03/2018 19:08

BEFORE you do anything, can you see a solicitor?

But id definitely be going out for coffee tomorrow afternoon. over dinner time. Child free.

GreenSeededGrape · 30/03/2018 19:11

Has never changed a nappy and you had more than one dc with this man Shock

OP this is truly no way to live.

KoshaMangsho · 30/03/2018 19:11

And with all that DH does I still sometimes point out to him that I do the bulk of the ‘child related labour’. Has DS2 gone up a nappy size? Oh DS1 needs an Easter bonnet/World Book day costume. I keep on track with homework and the millions of notes from school. I did the bulk of the work with regard to weaning both and potty training DS1. And DH readily acknowledges that I do way more than him. He would never ever speak to me like that. It is beyond disrespectful. I am also seething on your behalf.

TheBrilliantMistake · 30/03/2018 19:16

I'll get slated for this, but you could try and pander to his masculinity and say 'if you can change plumbing / electrics, you can manage this little task' and show him the ropes.

Yes, you should have to do this, but really, if he's never done it before, he might need teaching. If that doesn't work, then fair 'enough, have strong words!
It's amazing how daunting simple tasks can be for men, particularly when they've been associating such tasks with women. I'm not apologising for it, just saying this can be the case sometimes.

TheBrilliantMistake · 30/03/2018 19:17

Totally agree that it's no way to speak to someone. That is well out of order.
He could just say 'I haven't a clue how to do it, but I'm willing to learn'.

Sadly, based on his words, he doesn't seem that keen on learning :-(

HelpTheTigers · 30/03/2018 19:18

That reminds me of my father's attitude and it was seriously crap even for those days.

Enidblyton1 · 30/03/2018 19:24

Sadly his comment is not uncommon Sad
It would annoy me so much I'd be looking at going back to work.

ethelfleda · 30/03/2018 19:25

Your husband is a cunt. You are a partnership and should be handling everything together as a family!
I'm on mat leave at the mo with our 5mo and as soon as DH walks through the door, he takes him, changes his nappy and plays with him etc and tells me to go and have a break. Then when I'm in bed at 8pm with DS bf'ing him and trying to sleep myself etc, he is downstairs tidying and cleaning etc. We are a team - no way I could cope if my DH was like yours!

mikesh909 · 30/03/2018 19:30

God it shocks me that in 2018 there are women who put up with this, and yet more who actually think it's acceptable!

(Ps, it isn't.)

Cornettoninja · 30/03/2018 19:34

Fuck me you're living with a prick Sad

You could ask him how much he's planning on paying the nanny he's clearly going to have to hire when you leave his pompous backside and he has to do all of the childcare and housework during his contact hours?

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