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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so pissed off with husband's attitude to 'helping' with our children?

180 replies

WaitingForSunday17 · 30/03/2018 18:17

Was just cooking dinner and noticed dd needed changing. Asked DH (lying on sofa) to change her and he said 'when you're the one going to work all week I'll change her'

I'm a sahm. In the main it is fair that the house and children are my responsibility but this attitude really pissed me off. She's his daughter too!

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 30/03/2018 20:13

You need to leave him. Have you any family? He makes your life more difficult and treats you like hired help - he’s no ‘husband’

My husband is typical of my friendship group. He’s just bathed DS1, is currently bathing DS2 who is a newborn. He’s spent all afternoon batch cooking for the week and he administered medicine to DS1.

He also had the newborn overnight to allow me to catch up on sleep and he’s nipping out shortly to pick up Easter eggs.

This is normal behaviour from him. I appreciate him and thank him (just as he thanks and appreciates me) for doing stuff and we try to share most things.

Anything less than this would be unacceptable to me.

Time for you to get angry, get strong and then get out.

honeyroar · 30/03/2018 20:14

I can never understand why women stay with arseholes like this man, no matter how much they earn. Id rather be single and skint.

Pollaidh · 30/03/2018 20:16

This isn't normal. How on earth has he got to this stage without changing nappies?

I work PT, DH full time. He works probably 60+ hours a week in a high pressure corporate job. He has always changed nappies, does 50-75% of times of putting children to bed, does all baths. He cooks maybe 2 times a week. Does about 1/3 of the school runs and 50% of the nursery runs. About 30% of the washing.

When he gets home, especially when the DC were younger, he would immediately take over the childcare so I could get a break when I was on mat leave.

Pollaidh · 30/03/2018 20:18

And as a PP poster said, the sharing of care I describe above is fairly typical across the men/couples we know. The only couple I know where the DH had your DH's attitude got divorced when their kid was

AskBasil · 30/03/2018 20:21

LTB.

He's actually abusive.

He doesn't respect you, he doesn't value you and he can't be bothered to care for his own children.

He's fucking horrible and you deserve better.

ApocalypseNowt · 30/03/2018 20:22

Wow. We have a weapons grade bellend here, don't we?

My DH would be wearing his dinner if he spoke to me like that. I don't often say LTB but I think it needs serious consideration here. What a horrible example he's setting to your DC. Do you really want this type of relationship to be their example?

If i were you OP i wouldn't do anything now but I'd spend every spare minute getting my affairs in order and working out an escape plan Sad

Cantusethatname · 30/03/2018 20:23

my dad changed his fair share in the 1970s. Where did you find this man?

agedknees · 30/03/2018 20:26

I would have rubbed the dirty nappy in his face. He needs to respect you and what you do. Looking after children is hard work.

Thebluedog · 30/03/2018 20:28

I hope you didn’t make him any tea, and when he asks where his tea is, you turn round and say ‘when you change our dc nappy, then I’ll cook you tea’

And as he’s iff work on the bank holiday, then it’s also your holiday too - he’s a grade A prick

FusionChefGeoff · 30/03/2018 20:28

Twat

PatriciaBateman · 30/03/2018 20:34

It's interesting that changing the nappy counts as work enough that he feels he shouldn't have to do it in his downtime.

You doing it all day, daily, on the other hand, doesn't count for work at all apparently.

Either it's work or it isn't. If it is, then you need downtime too. If it isn't, then why can't he do it?

Lillylollylandy · 30/03/2018 20:34

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this OP. You and your children deserve better.

Curiousaboutchoices · 30/03/2018 20:34

Oh Op, I think you have bigger issues than nappies. He has no respect for you at all nor has any interest in his children. Other than habit, why are you with him? He sounds like an awful person. Why wouldn’t you help someone if asked, esp if it’s your poor soggy child who can understand what you are saying?

My husband works ridiculous hours. He bizarrely used to love changing and bathing because it was his special one on one time with them. I’d whip a nappy on and off in 30 seconds but he’d sing a song, blow raspberries, pretend to eat their feet and have them in hysterics. He wasn’t massively into kids either but he treasures his own and the time he has with them. Don’t get me wrong he’d need telling that it was bathtime or bottle time and asking to change a nappy (just because he wasn’t so used to the routine) but that was relative ignorance rather than a lack of interest.

Ask yourself why your husband doesn’t want to do anything for his kids and ask why you would want to be anywhere near someone like that. You all deserve much better.

boxthefox · 30/03/2018 20:38

Hello to my sisters.

It will never change. Men will pretend they love changing nappies, getting up in the middle of the night and so on.

They hate it, just like we do. But motherhood makes it imperative for us if they decide to back out doesn't it?

underneaththeash · 30/03/2018 20:41

They usually learn quickly. Just give an option, DC needs changing, do you want to do it or look after the dinner?

DailyMaui · 30/03/2018 20:46

It's amazing how daunting simple tasks can be for men, particularly when they've been associating such tasks with women.

Here, have my tiny violin.

Fucking hell. If a woman wrote this then you are part of the problem.

OP - your husband is a massive dick. He's stuck in an era that has thankfully long gone. You need a job for some independence and you need to stop believing that he'll always be the main earner. My dad initially was, and was a twatty misogynist. Then my mum ascended the ladder and outearned him by tons by the time I left home (and she left school at 15 and had me at 16... no qualifications, no prospects, just determination).

The holiday comments are really nasty. Driving isn't working. He's a fully paid up member of the arsehole party.

I'd suggest that the first thing you do is leave him alone with your children for the weekend. Give him a reality check. Give yourself a break as he'll never do it. Then start introducing shared parental roles. Tell him this is the way it is going to be. If he still refuses then leave him. Seriously, he's a dinosaur. Thankfully they finally become extinct (surely to fuck it is time for male bollocks like this to be over?)

Ali4u · 30/03/2018 20:46

I'm sorry but any man that would leave his child in a soiled nappy out of principle is no man at all.

juliej00ls · 30/03/2018 20:47

Get a job....

pictish · 30/03/2018 20:49

Awww this thread has made me feel really sad. He is an absolute waste of oxygen isn’t he? Not only is he treating you abysmally, he’s cheating himself out of the pleasure of bonding with his kids which I’m sure must break your heart. What an arsehole. I’m so sorry.

timeisnotaline · 30/03/2018 20:50

You do know that you have a shitty excuse for a husband don’t you?

ReanimatedSGB · 30/03/2018 20:53

The key thing for you to think about here, OP, is that this prick is willing to make your children suffer in order to put you in your place.

Which is why the advice from PP to go out and leave him alone with DC is not a great idea. He will deliberately leave the little one wet/dirty. He will not feed them properly - if at all. He may well allow them or even encourage them to damage stuff that is important or precious to you (crayon on wallpaper, break ornaments you've had for years). He might even let them hurt themselves just to prove his point that childcare and domestic stuff are women's work and that you are his servant.

I bet your sex life is awful, as well. I bet he either tells you that sex is going to happen, because you owe it to him, or just shoves his dick in you when he feels like it - or you are so ground down that you just let him do sex to you because you can't face the sulking or the bullying if you try to avoid it.

You really need to get rid of him. This is no way to live. He is ABUSIVE.

ISpentTheDayInBed · 30/03/2018 20:53

I really empathise with OP. My DH was great hands on dad, allbeit loads of other irritating points. He always did nappies and feeding etc. My DSD was round last week for a haircut and a bit of pampering, her partner turned up later with baby, then totally spoilt the rest of the day. He couldn't even change a nappy, which I had to rush in to do so DSD could have her hair done in peace.

Coyoacan · 30/03/2018 20:56

Your marriage and your life, OP. But your children will grow up thinking that this is the way to behave, thus perpetuating these attitudes into the future.

Queenofthestress · 30/03/2018 20:58

I would have flipped my shit beyond flipping my shit when you had DS, not another child down the line love.

pictish · 30/03/2018 21:00

“I would have flipped my shit beyond flipping my shit when you had DS, not another child down the line love.”

What are you getting at love?