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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so pissed off with husband's attitude to 'helping' with our children?

180 replies

WaitingForSunday17 · 30/03/2018 18:17

Was just cooking dinner and noticed dd needed changing. Asked DH (lying on sofa) to change her and he said 'when you're the one going to work all week I'll change her'

I'm a sahm. In the main it is fair that the house and children are my responsibility but this attitude really pissed me off. She's his daughter too!

OP posts:
Funnyface1 · 30/03/2018 21:12

I don't usually comment on these types of threads with all the ltb stuff, but I just wanted to say you really deserve so much more. You and your kids.

My DH works full time, I'm a sahm and I think he very probably has changed more nappies than I have. This morning he I had a lie in, he got the kids up.

And he does a lot more besides. Because he loves me and he doesn't want me to struggle by myself. And because my kids are his kids too and he loves them. It's not a chore.

Your post has made me really sad and I just really hope this thread helps you see that you are not unreasonable and deserve better.

sparklepops123 · 30/03/2018 21:12

I'd use the pan I was cooking his tea in to wrap round his head.

Gide · 30/03/2018 21:23

ReanimatedSGB totally has it for me. The man’s a dick, I bet this is the tip of the iceberg with regards to his twattish behaviour. What a wanker. Why do you tolerate this, OP?

Forevertired19 · 30/03/2018 21:25

Wow, I'd tell him straight. She's his dd too! His responsibility.
It's not a hard job nor particularly time consuming.

Apparently being a sahm is the equivalent to working 2.5 full time jobs.

justanotheruser18 · 30/03/2018 21:27

Omg he did not! How very dare he. Your work is the kind that's 24 hours a day and is unpaid.

justanotheruser18 · 30/03/2018 21:29

He's never changed her? You have every right to feel absolutely and completely annoyed by your husband. He is in no way playing fair. It's not 1950; men/partners need to share the domestic burden more evenly otherwise relationships suffer. And you will suffer. It's not fair for you to do so much. Ungrateful swine.

DarkPeakScouter · 30/03/2018 21:33

That’s not on! I wouldn’t stay in that situation or at least would wash his clothes etc you’re a stay at home parent not a stay at home wife

BlankTimes · 30/03/2018 21:34

Why did his mother bring him up to act in this way?

Do ask her how she created such a selfish man who does not want to interact with his own children and wants to be waited on. Ask her what she did to make him think that behavoiur is normal.

PinotMwah · 30/03/2018 21:42

What everyone else said with bells on...

This is seriously Neanderthal behaviour. He's an entitled prick and he's not going to get any better.

You need to find a job as a matter of priority. Yes it will be tough. But it can't be any tougher, long-term, than being belittled and treated like a slave by a man child with attitudes from the 1950s. Once you've built up a bit of experience and have an income, fuck him off to the back end of fuck off and fuck him off some more.

AssassinatedBeauty · 30/03/2018 22:02

@BlankTimes good questions for his father also.

Daifuku9 · 30/03/2018 22:36

Get away from him as soon as you’re able. I hope you have family that’s a good support system and you can find a job soon.
That behavior is inherently selfish and will not change for the better. He can’t be bothered to help his own children, out of soiled nappies?
It will be hard of course, and yet you must do it. You and your DC do not deserve to be treated this way. Your children shouldn’t be raised by that poor example of a father.
Good luck. Oh, and yes, he’s a massive prick!

Mix56 · 30/03/2018 22:41

Hang on, Did he never shit himself as a child ?
Is it branded on your forehead ."Shit cleaner" ?
What did he imagine having kids was about ?
At no point in his week, does he deign to help with children/woman's work?
Just stop this now ...

Yes he goes to work, & so do you. On call 24/24.....

If he doesn't want to play he can get to fuck............ OFF

londonmummy1966 · 30/03/2018 22:45

Change the nappy and put the dirty one in his side of the bed.....

ReanimatedSGB · 31/03/2018 00:29

Look, tempting though it is to advise the OP on various methods of payback (which this douchebag deserves 100%) I think doing any of them would be dangerous. Because this is a seriously controlling, abusive, woman-hating man. If she stands up for herself by throwing the nappy at him or whatever, he is really quite likely, by the sound of it, to give her a battering. A man who holds his wife in this much contempt... the only thing she can do is seek help and support in ending the marriage and putting boundaries in place which mean he can't bully or punish her or the children any further.

MumW · 31/03/2018 10:44

When my DH suggested I did sweet FA all day, I filled in a time sheet. Would that help DH see what a twat how ridiculous he's being? Then ask when your holiday is? After all, you work more hours than he does. You could also point out how much it would cost for a full time nanny and a full time housekeeper.

2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney · 31/03/2018 11:03

I was born in the early 1960s . My dad changed my nappy stsyed up all night with me to give my mum a rest and fed me. That was in 5e early 1960s . When our kids were born in the 1990s of course my full time husband did his share when not working, and had his closest memorable moments doing so. Now my grandchild’s care is very much shared. And like lots of babies goes through phases of prefererred parent.
Of course this isn’t normal OP , if you are still there.

Queenio24 · 31/03/2018 11:04

Op I really feel for you. I bet this is the tip of the shitty iceberg too.
He is completely disrespectful and opting out of his parenting duties, yes he has those too - it's not just your 'job'.

yikesanotherbooboo · 31/03/2018 11:21

Agree , poor you OP and poor DC.
Your husband has a very warped sense of his value to the family and of your value to the family. Not only that , he is obnoxious. I don't know what to say to help you except that you are in a very vulnerable position if you don't have a job or a pension. It might not be what you hoped in the sense that you wanted to be a Sahm for your children's early years but there is a risk with a man as self centred as this that you will be left high and dry. Are your finances fully shared? His job is not more important than yours because he has higher earning power. Compare a teacher and an investment banker... huge difference in salary but not in importance to society.
I am sure I speak for every pp ; I am furious on your behalf.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 31/03/2018 12:31

Why do so many women marry men who are misogynists and then go on to live and have children with them. There can't be that many men that wake up one day with a personality transplant and become arseholes. You make your bed and then you have to lie in it.

Daffodils07 · 31/03/2018 13:04

My husband wouldnt dare say that, we work as a team and when he is at work im at home with two young children and two children who have autism so he knows its bloody difficult!
My fil was round the other day and dd had a dirty nappy and said " go to your mum she will change you".
Husband off work and I said to fil "your son is perfectly capable to change his daughters bum" he didnt look inpressed but it isnt the 1950s ffs.

Bluesmartiesarebest · 31/03/2018 13:16

You've had lots of comments telling you how abusive your DH is - what are you going to do about it OP? Do you want things to change? The only way to stop this is to plan to leave.

Coyoacan · 31/03/2018 15:10

Why do so many women marry men who are misogynists

Why do so many women bring up sons who are misogynists?

0hCrepe · 31/03/2018 15:13

What a nob! Quite surprised you expected a different response though considering he’s never done it before.

0hCrepe · 31/03/2018 15:15

Er it’s not women’s fault some men are cocks.

yummyeclair · 31/03/2018 15:30

Hi OP, try to take in only the constructive comments from PP. Firstly build up your support network of friends I.e. people who you can have a laugh and banter with when you feel like losing your sanity. Secondly future proof yourself by making things easier with household jobs r.g use a couple of slow cooker, do essential housework only or try www.flylady. net or whatever helps to give you a balance in life with your DC. Remember your DC will get older and go to school but for now plan respite - does DC like the outside where you can watch and read and have a break from the house. It is frustrating when OH doesn't help at all but only you can know what you can live with and it is not always an easy choice to make. You can make things easier for yourself but often it requires a lot of planning . Good luck!.

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