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Original poster

To really hate the word "passed" for someone who's died

293 replies

Slippery · 30/03/2018 17:37

Passed what? Passed to where? They've died. Doesn't matter how you try to dress it up.

I've recently had two family members die, and it really pisses me off when someone says they've "passed".

End of rant.

OP posts:
kesstrel · 31/03/2018 09:20

When I left the US in 1981, no one used the phrase "passed" - it was always "passed away". But American English is notorious for shortening everything it possibly can - like "sitter" for "babysitter".

When I first started seeing this use of "passed", I was incredulous - mainly because all I could think of was, as a child, constantly hearing (American) football sports commentators in the background bellowing "He's passed!" (to mean a player had passed the ball). It still summons up that image for me, so I still find it incongruous and weird.

kesstrel · 31/03/2018 09:22

Cross-posted with Helmet re football!

Helmetbymidnight · 31/03/2018 09:24

Oh its interesting isn't it?!

I think you're right it's a 'shortening' and that's why, for some of us, it jars.

CharltonLido73 · 31/03/2018 09:26

I had assumed "passed" was a recent American import - a corruption of "passed away". Therefore it annoyed me as I get annoyed when perfectly good language gets cast aside in favour of Americanisms.

However, I was interested to read that "passed" has been in standard use for years in certain parts of the UK, so I am happy to stand corrected.

Personally I say "died", but that's my choice.

KitschNCabernet · 31/03/2018 09:27

My DH died only a few days ago. I can write this, but find it incredibly difficult to say and I lose it. Passed away is easier, and that matters because there’s a lot of random people to tell- banks, power companies etc. I can’t break down every time I have to deal with stuff, it would just add to the load. Passed on its own doesn’t sound right. To me passed isn’t a pointless euphemism but a kindness. Not everyone needs it, but I do.

echt · 31/03/2018 09:28

Dislike "passed/passed on" intensely, though I would never let this show to someone who said it. It's mealy-mouthed for the most part and also has implications of going elsewhere.

While I'm here, I gave "RIP" no thought until it was said about my late DH. Its implications of a life of struggle when he was cut down in his prime; that he had led a questionable life now over, when he did nothing but good made me see red, and I said so. I've never used it since and never will.

Helmetbymidnight · 31/03/2018 09:30

I'm so sorry, Kitsch Flowers

NoqontroI · 31/03/2018 09:30

KitschNCabernet Flowers. If you haven't already, do go and join WAY or WAY up, depending on how old you are. It really is a tremendous source of peer support.

CharltonLido73 · 31/03/2018 09:30

KitschNCabernet - so sorry. It must be unbelievably hard for you right now. Wishing you every strength.

EatenEasterChocsAlready · 31/03/2018 09:33

I found it too harsh to immediately say, yes my beloved father whom I adored, who always had my back is dead I found it much easier to say passed...

I really dislike this type of thread commenting on what people grieving may say or do or how they might act. Grief, death is the most awful things we face as humans.. Loosing forever someone we love. I can't imagine how emotionally stunted someone may be to even comment on this.

EatenEasterChocsAlready · 31/03/2018 09:34

Echt...

Mealy mouthed?? Maybe just softer and less harsh. What planet are some people on

daisychain01 · 31/03/2018 09:42

I hate it too. They are dead. Don't use euphemisms

How fucking harsh can you get??

Sorry but when my beloved DH died suddenly, talking about his death ripped my guts out, so having someone dictate how I should feel and what word I should use just to please them doesn't work.

Sorry about that, how about people put up with the minor inconvenience for the person suffering the bereavement? Hmmm?

FrancisCrawford · 31/03/2018 09:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Helmetbymidnight · 31/03/2018 09:44

Language is important. There is nothing emotionally stunted about commenting on the language we use to express our loss.

Op has recently been bereaved: she is entitled to her views.

If you really dislike this type of thread you can hide it rather than try to police it.

daisychain01 · 31/03/2018 09:46

KitschNCabernet. Sorry for your loss Flowers

Helmetbymidnight · 31/03/2018 09:46

I don't think it was common vernacular. Certainly in my lifetime, it wasn't - I've genuinely only heard it in the last 5 years or so.

daisychain01 · 31/03/2018 09:50

I really dislike this type of thread commenting on what people grieving may say or do or how they might act. Grief, death is the most awful things we face as humans.. Loosing forever someone we love. I can't imagine how emotionally stunted someone may be to even comment on this

I totally agree. It shows a remarkable lack of insight into the individual needs of humans, to force them to saying things one way and not another when their reality is having to endure the worst pain one can ever go through.

Rednailsandnaeknickers · 31/03/2018 09:51

Read the full thread now after my last comment and seen OP update - and would just say where I am (A rural part of Scotland) the phrase is always "passed away" rather than just "passed".

MNHQ
HebeMumsnet · 31/03/2018 09:52

Morning, everyone. We had quite a few reports on this thread overnight and while we think the thread in itself is a fair enough subject to want to discuss, we would like to ask everyone to keep posts pleasant and bear in mind that you might be talking to people who, for whatever reason, do find the subject quite upsetting.

Thank you and Flowers for all of you who have suffered a bereavement.

CharltonLido73 · 31/03/2018 09:53

"I don't think it was common vernacular. Certainly in my lifetime, it wasn't - I've genuinely only heard it in the last 5 years or so."

Not common vernacular, I agree. But one poster, above, stated that it had always been common parlance in their area - so a regional variant perhaps?

The widespread incursion is probably US-driven, then.

EatenEasterChocsAlready · 31/03/2018 10:00

Francis that's beautiful.

ShovingLeopard · 31/03/2018 10:01

Stunned that some people seem to think the fact they find certain terminology annoying should trump other people's devastation at the loss of a loved one. Get a grip - and some empathy - people.

EatenEasterChocsAlready · 31/03/2018 10:03

On recently bereaved too and I'm entitled to my views.

It's bad enough feeling people are judging us for every move we make.

Let's try and suspend judgement when someone uses a phrase or word when they have lost someone.

HoppingPavlova · 31/03/2018 10:06

We were always trained that you had to use clear terminology such as has died etc which I found odd given that deceased is used when referring to the dead in paperwork.

I can understand passed away but I cannot get passed or lost. Lost is particularly fraught when someone is talking about an animal (such as we lost Fluffy), takes a while to figure out if it ran away or is dead, I can’t be bothered with such mental gymnastics anymore and just ask outright which one it is.

Slartybartfast · 31/03/2018 10:26

Its a 1970's terminology apparently
english.stackexchange.com/questions/238152/proper-usage-of-passed-vs-passed-away