To really hate the word "passed" for someone who's died

[Slippery]

Passed what? Passed to where? They've died. Doesn't matter how you try to dress it up.

I've recently had two family members die, and it really pisses me off when someone says they've "passed".

End of rant.

without empathy, that is.

I got the word wrong.

(Words are important)

'When I left the US in 1981, no one used the phrase "passed" - it was always "passed away". But American English is notorious for shortening everything it possibly can - like "sitter" for "babysitter". '

When I was there in 1981, and also in 2002 (I moved here in 2002) it was common for African-Americans to use 'passed' to refer to a deceased person.

So there you go, it's a black American term, OP. But hey, it's American so it must be rotten.

My Mum has died very recently and I couldn't give two hoots what words people choose to use as long as they are kind and well meaning.

So there you go, it's a black American term, OP. But hey, it's American so it must be rotten.

Expat, brilliant!!

Looking forward to some nice backpedaling post now. I’m pretty sure that actually means that unless you love the term you have exposed yourself as inherently racist.

😏

Context is all. When my African-American colleagues at work said to me "I just learned that your mother passed. I am so sorry for your loss," I did know that they were not talking about my mother throwing a football.

Someone explained that it was a popular term in the African American community a long way back.

I also said way back that I don't blame Americans for it. :)

It's ok not to like a term, even if its a term related to death.

Agree, think it's odd but it's something I've only noticed lately that people are saying. I think they mean passed "away" but seem to miss off the away bit?

I've never liked that term either - to me it's pushing religious assumptions about afterlife onto others.

I go along with what others choose to say and won't upset grieving people as thats pretty low

No I don't think that's the case, @BadTasteFlump and I'm speaking as a Christian. It's just about using a euphemism for something that no one likes to think about. And I doubt most people even think through that deeply what they're actually saying. Saying someone 'passed' or 'passed away/on' simply means that they died.

Having said that, I can see your point.

I don't think I have ever used anything other than "died". Not for my grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles, my brother or a very close friend. It was the end of their time on this earth and, yes, I do believe their spirit is elsewhere - death is simply the term for that. It does not imply that their spirit has not gone elsewhere. When my mother died, she made it very clear that her spirit was still around, despite her death. She stayed around until my father died too.

Personally, however raw the feeling (and I was with my father as he lay dying, saw my mother soon after she died, sorted things out after my aunt died in A&E, and ended up on first name terms with the undertaker), I didn't find anything difficult about using the term as it was what had happened. Using a euphemism wouldn't have changed the facts or the agonising pain. Most people said to me something along the lines of "I was sorry to hear of the death of...". Both my exP and my friend use the term "died" of their baby son and their stillborn son respectively.

I don't mind what other people use though I do find "passed" on its own odd, as opposed to "passed on/over" . Seems sporty or about an exam without the qualifiers. Is it a regional or cultural thing? (Scot here, where funerals end up a bloody good party to honour the dead.)

It's a funny one, it's not as harsh as died. When we've had bereavements I can't recall what I said to DC, I think it was along the lines of 'x' isn't here anymore, which obviously made them think of bloody holidays.

To be fair my stupid choice of words meant my tears were turned to laughter.

Another thing is it's surprising how resilient children are. Getting them to talk about stuff to check they're ok you get the odd statement. We watched DC with amazement as they didn't get upset about a close relative till the funeral. To be fair we were all crying.

It makes me feel quite sad replying to this as it brings it back.

When they do notices in the paper I think it's the funeral directors who suggest wording. So it's possibly etiquette.

Helmet I'm not sure why you think it's a shame I read that into the discussion. I read that into the discussion because that is how some have posted.

You are of course perfectly at liberty to use the terminology you feel most comfortable with, as are others. I am, however, uncomfortable with the idea some are pushing that 'passed' is somehow a wrong term to use. We should all be sensitive to others in this situation.

I agree, and I'm sure we all agree that however it's phrased, our loved ones dying, passing away or just passing, is utterly shit and horrendous.

Honestly I couldn't give a shit. It doesn't make any difference, the person has still died, gone. People use passed or passed away for many different reasons, some to make it easier for those who lost a loved one because hearing the words dead and died can be hard.

Dead and died are hard. Doesn't matter how you dress it up.

I agree Helmet. It's horrendous however one describes it.

I agree Helmet. It's horrendous however one describes it.

Many years ago, my cousin had a little boy in her nursery class who was desperately upset when his mother left him in the mornings, and also kept pleading with the staff to "ring Mummy and tell her I'm here." During a meeting to discuss the problem, the mother said "We have been a bit over-protective, because we lost our first child when he was three." My cousin said "Has he heard you say that? Could he think you meant the ĺittle boy got lost?" That night, the mother explained to the boy that his brother had died, not been lost, and apparently he was much happier and relaxed at school from then on. Such a sad story, I've never forgotten it. It was in the days when people didn't really discuss death with children.

Not sure why that posted twice, sorry!

I really don't see what it's got to do with anyone what terminology a bereaved person uses. When my Dad died I couldn't say that he was dead, had died etc. If anyone had told me I was using the wrong words I would have been devastated and they could fuck right off with their self righteousness.

I was quite young when my dad died and it took me about 10 years to be able to say "my dad is dead" but I didn't use euphemisms - I would say "my dad has died."

It's because my mum refused to use a euphemism for death and I got it from her. When she died the undertaker mentioned she passed away and I said "no she didn't, she died. She would insist she'd died, not passed away."

Death is never easy to discuss but imo it's not made any easier by skirting around the words.

Dead and died are hard. Doesn't matter how you dress it up.

I think it does actually. Hearing or saying the words dead or died can be difficult when you've just lost a person you're close to.

Death is never easy to discuss but imo it's not made any easier by skirting around the words.

Fair enough that it doesn't for you, but it did for me. I obviously knew he'd died but I didn't want to say it. Neither of us are right or wrong, we just deal with things differently.

When my Mum died last year I was executor of her will and had to inform people. This time I had to say it and I didn't have a problem. I think different circumstances make people deal with things differently.

I don’t personally use the term “passed” or “passed away” but I don’t care if other people do.