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AIBU?

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Original poster

To really hate the word "passed" for someone who's died

293 replies

Slippery · 30/03/2018 17:37

Passed what? Passed to where? They've died. Doesn't matter how you try to dress it up.

I've recently had two family members die, and it really pisses me off when someone says they've "passed".

End of rant.

OP posts:
StripySocksAndDocs · 31/03/2018 07:36

Your hating a word isnt going to make it go away. 'Passing' isn't going out of use because Slippery gets pissed off with it.

There's only one thing that'll stop a word irritating you and that's changing your silly attitude towards other people's lexicon.

Get over yourself in other words.

Helmetbymidnight · 31/03/2018 07:40

People are free to chose the words they like.

People are free to respond to those words how they like.

I don't like it when people say that my parents 'passed' because they didn't.

I have no need to get over myself, I won't take your advice.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 31/03/2018 07:40

My sister died when she was in her thirties it was awful and took me years to come to terms with but even so I always told people she had died. But when my then DH at the time told people she’d died he would say ‘onemore’s sister has passed on.’
I found it irritating - that particular expression seemed a way of avoiding what had actually happened and so wishywashy. I had to tell him to stop it and to tell people she’d died. Because she had. However hard her death was, using the term ‘passed on’ was never going to make it any easier.

FrancisCrawford · 31/03/2018 07:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

InspMorse · 31/03/2018 08:05

This is what I was taught... Hmm

Pass away' must be one of the oldest euphemisms known in English.

It was coined at a time and place, that is, the 15th century in England, when most people would have believed that the departing of the soul of a dead person was a literal physical event.

Indeed, 'passing away' didn't mean dying as it does now. When wakes were held for recently deceased people the attendees believed that the dead person could hear and comprehend everything that was being said

It was only later, when the funeral rites were complete, that the dead person 'passed away' and began the journey toward either Heaven or Hell.

As such, 'pass away' wouldn't have been considered euphemistic but merely a literal description of events.

Lindy2 · 31/03/2018 08:07

What a strange thing to get worked up over. If those that are bereaved find using a softer term like passed or passed away is less painful for them then who are you to say they shouldn't do that? I think your comment is very inappropriate.
If you wish to use the term died for your own dead family and friends then you are free to do so. Don't try and tell others that are grieving what words they can and can't use though. It's not yours or any others place to do so.

Helmetbymidnight · 31/03/2018 08:12

Is a grieving person allowed to say they prefer died/passed away to passed - or are they not allowed to have an opinion?

Lindy2 · 31/03/2018 08:16

A grieving person can use whatever words they want.
That's why the op has no right to select particular terms and suggest others shouldn't use them. I would never tell someone not to use the word died if that felt right for them. The op hasn't given others the same courtesy though.

Helmetbymidnight · 31/03/2018 08:18

She's perfectly entitled to be pissed off. I would be/was.

She's not having them arrested.

StripySocksAndDocs · 31/03/2018 08:21

Thats fine Helmetbymidnight you don't have to take my advice. But it's the only way to handle irritation about words.

Yes, of course a grieving person can use whatever term they want. What they can't control though is what term someone else uses (or at the very least uses initially) towards them.

What they can do is not get bothered by use of words. They can say 'please don't say my mum has passed, I don't like it. She has died, not passed'.

pilates · 31/03/2018 08:25

YABU
I prefer passed away but wouldn’t get het up about it if someone wanted to use an alternative word.

Helmetbymidnight · 31/03/2018 08:26

I love words and word play. If someone refers to a family member of mine as having 'passed' I would just think they didnt know them or me at all.
My family don't pass, they die.

InspMorse · 31/03/2018 08:34

My family don't pass, they die.

Same here. They're gone, they haven't 'passed over/away/on' to another place.
Someone people believe their loved ones do go 'somewhere else' & that's ok.

mzcracker · 31/03/2018 08:40

I recently lost someone very close and it still kind of hurts to say she's dead so I don't say it ..In conversation I'd say passed. I never thought anyone would be annoyed by it. Seems an odd thing to get bothered about.

falang · 31/03/2018 08:41

I agree. I don't like it either. They haven't passed. They're dead. It's just another Americanism creeping in.

Strokethefurrywall · 31/03/2018 08:42

Obviously not allowed to express my annoyance without immediately being jumped on by the uptight brigade.

The irony of this statement made me laugh - given you're the one that started a thread about your annoyance, I would suggest you're the uptight one, no?? Confused

Lizzie48 · 31/03/2018 08:48

I can't get worked up about this tbh. It's such an emotional time when a loved one dies and it can be that the person who is grieving isn't able to cope with the finality of death, hence we use euphemisms. When my FIL died in a car accident 14 years ago, my DH couldn't cope with the words at first, as it was such a shock.

It really isn't something to sneer about IMO.

FrancisCrawford · 31/03/2018 08:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GnotherGnu · 31/03/2018 08:53

When my father died, it was the fact that he died that hurt, not the words used to describe it. I felt really quite patronised by people talking about him "passing" and I'm sure he would have hated it. He was never one for euphemisms.

Helmetbymidnight · 31/03/2018 09:04

It has a centuries long usage in the UK

I don't think that's true. I think passed away and passed on has a long history, but not simply he or she passed.

ApplesinmyPocket · 31/03/2018 09:04

I'd never use it - it sounds so obviously euphemistic, skirting around the issue in a twee way - but losing someone beloved is such a traumatic, devastating thing I don't blame anyone for being unable to say 'died'.

Helmetbymidnight · 31/03/2018 09:09

It seems passed on/passed away only really took off in popularity as a phrase around the time of the first world war - presumably in terrible shock at what was happening to so many young people.

Petalflowers · 31/03/2018 09:10

OP, I agree with you.

Don't like Passed but don't mind Passed Away.

Rednailsandnaeknickers · 31/03/2018 09:16

sparklyllama Thanks thinking of you.

Like sparkly, when my Mum died i was bereft and I couldn't say the word - it seemed so final and was too painful. Now, a while on, I can say it but it still brings a lump to my throat whereas saying "when Mum passed away ..." in a conversation was just easier somehow, still is sometimes.

I hope you can show some understanding and kindness if you are speaking to someone recently bereaved.

Helmetbymidnight · 31/03/2018 09:17

I guess some of the reasons 'passed' can be irritating is:

a. It looks lazy - use the whole phrase, why don't you?
b. It has this religious connotation which often doesn't fit who we are.
c. It doesn't make logical sense. Pass is, like in football, give from one to another.
d. It sounds as though the person has watched too much American TV (This might not be the case, and its not fair to blame Americans, however, that how it sounds).

I'm sure there are other reasons as well.