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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Texting after first date

429 replies

JapaneseCat · 30/03/2018 14:31

When is too late for a guy to text? I felt he was into me but no text since we met last night. He made some references to “playing it cool” while we were on the date.

OP posts:
Delatron · 31/03/2018 21:24

You can't deny men and women are genetically different. Interesting discussion.

We are different. Especially in the way we behave in relationships.

Gabilan · 31/03/2018 21:33

You don't know how you feel, so hang back and see how they behave

If you both do that, you end up, well, pretty much where the OP is. There's no harm in texting "thanks for yesterday evening. I had a lovely time, I'd like to meet up again". It's honest, it's straightforward, it leaves no room for doubt, without making it sound as if you're already picking out the bridesmaids' dresses.

Delatron · 31/03/2018 21:39

From experience when men like you they don't hang back! But maybe my experiences are different. I still think with online dating it is wise to be cautious. If that's old fashioned, so be it. Safety wise too. What's wrong with taking time to get to know someone and sussing them out a bit.

Original poster
JapaneseCat · 31/03/2018 21:41

I do feel like if he liked me my message wouldn’t have stopped him! I don’t know. Such mixed messages from him during and then now but I guess maybe I did similar so will take all this onboard.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 31/03/2018 21:46

I still think texting to say thank you for the evening is good manners.

Delatron · 31/03/2018 21:46

OP, your lack of text that evening or your text the following day had no influence on the outcome. He would have texted sooner to see if you got home etc if he did want to see you again. Your initial instinct was right.

Original poster
JapaneseCat · 31/03/2018 21:50

Yes I agree but there are quite a few posters upthread who think he took the content of my message as a brush-off and perhaps would have messaged differently had I not sent it

OP posts:
Delatron · 31/03/2018 21:51

I know, I disagree with them!

gingermuffins · 31/03/2018 21:52

Who is this guy?! Doesn't sound like he's worth all this fuss tbh. You haven't done anything wrong OP, you met up with a guy, you're not right for each other. There are many many reasons why people don't match and IME it's best not to dwell on it. Move on.

Gabilan · 31/03/2018 21:53

What's wrong with taking time to get to know someone and sussing them out a bit.

I'm suggesting asking someone for a 2nd date, not promising them eternal love and writing your marriage vows. Going on another date is how you suss them out. You'd still be sticking with the rules of safe dating, just without all the angst about who should text who first.

kindermog · 31/03/2018 22:00

I’m starting to get it.

There’s nothing wrong with taking the time to suss someone out a bit. So why do the men have to do all the running?

Because that’s what men do (apart from the ones who don’t).

g1itterati · 31/03/2018 22:02

Totally agree with capistrophe and Delatron.

OP - you can't account for other people. Your text or lack of made no difference whatsoever. It is what it is.

In my experience, there is a particular dynamic to dating. I agree with capostrophe that many men do like an element of challenge. Maybe intrigue is a better word? I'm wouldn't recommend being rude by any means and of course thank them for a lovely evening when you're departing (if you had one)! But there's no harm in leaving it to him initially in my experience as they feel more comfortable with this.

It must be difficult online though (sounds hideous actually) because you can't gauge people as well. In my day (the nineties Grin) a man would just ask you out in person.

AnaViaSalamanca · 31/03/2018 22:15

This is onlien dating though, and even if it is not, in 2018 most single people do online dating, so it;s not as slow and deliberate as before. You have a constant steam of people to date, so it would be weird and extremely invested if the guy starts chasing the girl, and she plays hard to get and creates a challenge. You would be self-selecting the players and womanizers, and never go out again with the shy guys, the feminists, or the normal ones.

The OP could have held back for him to text first and it wouldn't have changed anything, it takes two to tango. This waiting each other out never works, and women who are waiting to be asked out and pursued, would then be waiting for commitment, moving in, and proposal, and so on. Because the men traditionally have been pushing the relationship forward, but that should not be the case.

capostrophe · 31/03/2018 22:15

Yep, thank them on the night, if you like them then they'll know from "the kiss" (brief and finished by you). Then get on with your life and if they text great, if not, also great because you've just saved yourself a load of wasted time.

Tupacca · 01/04/2018 07:12

A definite mistake to stay five hours, to get drunk, to snog on first date and to ask him how he thinks the dates going, then to say "Is that all?" When he said "good" It won't be attractive to a bloke if you seem needy. Be cheerful and smiley and fun but don't hang around for five hours! Stay pretty sober. No snogging. No cross questioning him about whether he's having fun/what he's looking for in a relationship. Just enjoy the date but try to have no anxiety about where it's going. There's plenty of fish in the sea! And yes leave on a high. Don't hang around till the waiters are glaring at you! It's natural to be more attracted to someone who you think is busy and not desperate to be with you, so you'll be more attractive to men if u don't act needy. Everyone on here will despise my suggestion but that old book called The Rules tells you how to not appear desperate! Even when you are. Lol.

SpiritedLondon · 01/04/2018 08:03

I can’t believe it’s 2018 and we’re still advocating The Rules. It’s horrible, manipulative game playing. Personally if I thought a bloke was following a script for pulling women I’d bin them for that alone.

icelollycraving · 01/04/2018 08:07

When I was online dating, it was like a second job! I dated different men for coffee, drinks, dinner etc. It’s not great to focus on just one. It works quickly and so if you are just thinking about one, that’s putting all your Easter eggs in one basket. You do need to be quite resilient and of course people come across v differently online. They have time to consider their answers etc. My dh seemed like the life and soul, in reality he’s a bloody hermit Grin
Him giving you the brush off is fine, it happens. Your text back because of your bruised ego was a bit cringey but really, you won’t see each other again so never mind.
Rethink your approach to OLD, particularly Tinder, it’s not in the main used for relationships.
Lighten up & good luck!

rebbykay · 01/04/2018 10:10

Wow, this was quite painful to read to the end.

I was OLD for a number of years before I met my husband. It's my honest belief that my husband and I only worked out because I'd got to the point where I didn't give a shit about anything except just saying what I felt at the time.

I had dates before him where I wasn't afraid to say "sorry, I'm just not into you." It took me a while to get to that point because I kept falling into the "he likes me so I like him" trap, but it's a tough one to escape sometimes.

Then I met my husband. I liked him, we had a good time, I texted him an hour after he left. He texted back, we met up again.

Once I learned to stop investing so much in one short part of one day of my life, dating became so much easier. Well, unless you count getting knocked up and bearing a huge baby that seems way too big for your body...

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 01/04/2018 11:03

One thing that strikes me about this thread is that all seems to be focused on overanalysing the OP’s interactions with this man and what she should and shouldn’t have done to get a more successful outcome.

For what is worth, the man may be tired of dating, defensive or hurt from other relationships so his reactions may as well be as a result of his past OLD experiences (press the “next” button option baing far too handy) or simply, he didn’t feel the date went as well as the OP did.

ReebyKay is right, and that applies to man as well. When you have been OLD for a while you don’t hang around for long waiting for the other one to make a move, you just start talking with another person. The lack of response is not seen as a challenge to get you, but as a signal to move on into the next profile, whose owner you may have already being in contact with even before the date with you.

My suggestion: be yourself, don’t play games, treat them as equals. If it works, great if not, move on.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 01/04/2018 11:34

And in any case, if he has actually asked you out and paid it's bloody rude not to text and say thank you afterwards.

The OP said thank you on the date itself. That's absolutely fine!

YourWanMajella · 01/04/2018 11:50

You can't deny men and women are genetically different

Well obviously. But that really has nothing to do with this load of boohockey.

Gottagetmoving · 02/04/2018 09:28

I think life is less complicated when you get old(er)
You tend to be able to be up front and honest rather than waste time wondering or worrying.
If I liked someone I would just say so, or if I didn't I would have no problem telling them nicely, that I wasn't interested in taking it further. If I didn't get a text I wouldn't waste time waiting and wondering. I'd text them or move on.
No one can break your heart after one date ffs.

Helmetbymidnight · 02/04/2018 09:32

The act of not texting is not wondering and waiting frantically though! It doesn't turn you into miss haversham. Grin. It's just getting on with stuff.
I never texted after an OLD date. And I got plenty of 2nd dates with very nice guys.
I'm not saying text or don't text- but the idea that the no texters are denying their true selves or will only attract misogynists etc etc is crap.

AnnieAnoniMouser · 02/04/2018 09:54

I would have taken your message as a brush off too, ‘I had a good time, nice to meet you’ really does put it in the ‘but don’t want to see you again’ box for me, so I think he probably did try to ‘save face’ by saying he’s decided not to date for now,

Anyway, forget it, he was a crap kisser!

Your self esteem...hmm. Not sure about that one. You’re happy to say you’re attractive, we getting admired, etc. You think you’re the prize men should chase, you’re ‘playing by the rules’...so it sounds like your self esteem is just fine.

Then again, maybe not when there’s just so much angst?!

I’d suggest you dial back the neediness on the first date. Asking if he had had a good time, asking what he was looking for...it’s all a bit much for a first date.

Echogirl · 06/04/2018 12:02

So you never texted him to tell him you got home safe when he had asked you to??
Why not??!Hmm