Texting after first date

[JapaneseCat]

When is too late for a guy to text? I felt he was into me but no text since we met last night. He made some references to “playing it cool” while we were on the date.

I think you might have given him mixed messages as you seem to be doing in here, one minute you liked him, then he was a rubbish kisser and not very good looking, now you say you were keen

@Oddcat But don't forget in hindsight she was ignoring certain things

That old chestnut

Japanesecat, hope you are ok. Maybe this one wasn’t meant to be although i’m also thinking he may have read your text as a brush off.

I would recommend you are as honest as possible. I would actually have replied that you were disappointed but thank him for replying.

Hey OP, hope I'm not too late. Just sending hugs and empathy. It's confusing as f**k out there. If you're not resourced emotionally these dates can sap your strength and you can soon lose sight of yourself - start sort of seeing yourself through the guys' eyes. You sound normal and sweet and like you're simply trying to feel your way through this new modern dating phenomenon. In my opinion your original instinct was correct - don't text first. If a man is interested he will make efforts to chase you up. He will text that night to see if you got home okay if he really cares, or in the next day or two. If he doesn't you're not his type and move on. You can text a guy and possible get to see him again, even get to the point where you're sleeping with him, but people need the space to figure out if they do fancy each other. You can be the most stunning looking woman ever, but without space for attraction to develop and grow, it's to evolve into a long term, deep connection.

As for your next date, do it sooner rather than later after online connection, (don't waste time with endless texting). Ground yourself first, think about who you are and what a lovely person you are, what great qualities you possess, don't try to second guess what he'll think of you. Keep the date short, not longer than an hour/90 mins, make sure you say you have to be somewhere else, even if you don't, enjoy it but don't drink too much, don't give too much away, hold back, (harder than it sounds). Men love to talk about themselves - especially if they're a bit nervous, so this helps. Like you say, end things on a high, they'll realise on their way home they don't know enough about you. And even if you don't really fancy them, use the occasion to practice. HTH xx

Capostrophe that sounds like such hard work , why hold back ? Why not just be yourself ?

I knew my DH from work and we had been out together for work. I thought he really liked me, so when he was posted to another location and said he would be in touch, I was hoping for a call pretty quick. It took him 2 months to get in touch. We are now married and have 2 DDs. Some things just take time.... Good luck

Men love to talk about themselves
That's a purely male phenomenon is it?

So women lap up everything men have to say, go home and wait to be texted? God almighty.

Unfortunately, unless you are very lucky, dating is hard work, it IS a game. You just got to know how to play it and look after yourself in the process otherwise before you know it, your self esteem plummets and you have forgotten who you are. It's hard for men too - they are inundated with online fantasy of all descriptions, from porn to PoF, they need a bit of a challenge, in fact they yearn for it. If we meet a man we like and "be ourselves" ie, don't hold back and text/call/gush/sleep with them too soon, we're in real danger of devaluing ourselves (in their eyes). Of course, we're not devaluing ourselves, we're just being honest/true to ourselves and it's old fashioned advice I know, but sadly it's true. And the more men reject us after we've offered too much, we will encounter self-esteem issues. This is a generalisation of course, there's always exception, but when you're online and dating strangers rather than guys from your community who you know a bit about, it is my opinion that it's way better to hold back until you've sussed them out, and keep them interested by providing them some intrigue until you've done your due diligence. Of course, once you've done it, you may well go off them anyway.

 @MirriVan

Yes wait. He is probably busy and probably wants to not seem too keen. Unless you shagged. Then it would be good manners for him to text. But even then I would wait a day or two.

they need a bit of a challenge in fact they yearn for it

Do you always generalise like this?

And as for "keeping them interested"... I think that bullshiit is far more likely to result in low self esteem than just being yourself.

Barbara Cartland called. She wants her How-To manual back.

Sometimes I generalise, sometimes I don't. In this instance I acknowledged I was making a generalisation. Maybe you are making a generalisation yourself saying just being yourself is far more likely to result in low self esteem. I was offering what in my opinion is a protective tool. Unless "yourself" is super-confident then dating can be scary confusing and fraught with all kinds of pitfalls, so tools might be helpful for some people.

*not being yourself

Thank fuck I'm single and can't be arsed with dating if it's this complicated . My memory isn't what it used to be and I really don't think I'd remember all these rules !

No I said I thought being yourself is less likely to result in low self esteem - which is my opinion. I've also found personally that playing games and pretending tends not to lead to feeling comfortable.

You generalised about men as if they were all the same.

Of course I generalised about men here. I can't opine about every single one. But the OPs post, sadly, sounded like a pretty standard online dating scenario

Regarding B Cartland: Absurd I know, nevertheless, devoured by zillions of women

I would hope women today have moved on. Perhaps there are still plenty of Barbara Cartland type devotees about sadly.

Dating is difficult and can really affect your confidence, so what is wrong with holding back a bit? Even if you like a man, you can't know him after one date so why do you need to be texting straight away? Offering up your schedule, saying what an amazing time you had, when can we meet again? I think that is too much and you do need to hold back and see how they behave. Why, even if you do like them, do you have to text to say so, otherwise you get accused of 'playing games' or being from the 1950s. I actually think it's a form of self protection. You don't know how you feel, so hang back and see how they behave.

Also, I'd they don't like you they don't get in touch so no massive rejection.

Well if nothing parties hang back nothing happens does it?
Why do women have to indulge in this self protection malarkey but men are expected to make the running?

And in any case, if he has actually asked you out and paid it's bloody rude not to text and say thank you afterwards.

There's nothing wrong with being a feminine woman who prefers masculine men. It's just a relationship dynamic a lot of women prefer, it doesn't have to have any bearing in day to day life. No need to move on if that's your thing. Certainly nothing to be ashamed of.