Texting after first date

[JapaneseCat]

When is too late for a guy to text? I felt he was into me but no text since we met last night. He made some references to “playing it cool” while we were on the date.

OP, I'm sorry it didn't work out, however, I could spend hours snogging the right man, you'd be dreading the kiss - not good!

Just see dating as trying somebody out, it wasn't a good fit, or 'he's not that into you' . which is OK! We can't all like everybody, that is the fun of it!

I think you should always avoid getting drunk because it skews your reality at the time. Alcohol makes you horny and makes the other person seem more attractive.

Most people's attitudes to most dates are nowhere near so binary as mad keen vs not into it at all. For most it is a spectrum from :
1 "wow they/ it was amazing, I'd love to see them again and will go to some effort to arrange it" through :

2.(the majority) "it/ they were nice, I had a good time, not sure whether I'd see them again- depends on how it goes, what else comes up, how I feel in the morning/after I've spoken to my best mate or mum" to
3."well it was ok I guess but not that bothered" to
4.total disaster.
I think 1 and 4 are relatively rare and the majority will be 2 or 3, where on that continuum it lies depends partly on external factors.

By external facors to be clear I mean, how keen the other person seems during the date and afterwards as well as how much alcohol was consumed and the content of any communication afterwards. If it's a 1 or a 4 then the above factors won't change how you feel.

Oh dear I've had worse though- I once got a brush off text which ended with 'obligatory take care' grim!

they insist on a second date

I don't someone who insists on something. I want a choice, not someone who tries to railroad me.

So whilst reading this I was going to chip in and say 'don't text him. If he likes you he'll get in touch'. Then you would have avoided the cringy 'sorry I don't want to date' reply.

You ask them out, they say no, you avoid the waiting and wondering. It's 2018, you don't have to wait for the man to ask. Christ, some relationships don't even involve men.

. I say leave it up to them

Can't believe I've just read this. It's so annoying that women are willing to leave their own futures up to the whims of a man they hardly know. When they could just ask themselves and then they would know for sure. Not all men are the same or act the same. Some text straightaway some wait. Some receive a text and interpret it as a brush off, others receive the same text and interpret it as a green light. We have no way of knowing if the date really did mean what he said, it may just have been his way of avoiding an embarrassing cringy text if he decided to ask for second date.

From this thread it's obvious that not all women act the same after a first date so why should we assume all men do?

Sorry that you're finding work/life overwhleming atm OP. It'd probably be a good idea to take a step back from dating apps if that's the case. Have a breather, get yourself feeling better about things then give it another go when you feel ready.

I've been on tinder a few times, and tbh if I was feeling a bit down about things in general I kinda got addicted to the instant buzz/ego boost that a complete stranger could give me with a like/message (sad/unhealthy, I know). I took some time out from it, got myself in a better place and then tried again, and met my lovely boyfriend who I've been with for a year now :). I went on a fair few first dates with other people that didn't go anywhere before I met him, some okay, some bad, but they all make for funny stories, dating is meant to be fun after all!

My tips for tinder dates would be:
Don't drink on the first date, or the second one. Alcohol makes people seem funnier/more attractive, you want to see if you have a natural spark, without any help from a few cocktails. Plus I think it shows that you're confident and comfortable with yourself if you don't need to drink to get through a first date. Other than that just be yourself and try to enjoy it and not overthink it too much!

So he's not interested.

Even though a few people saw fit to mock my suggestion, (thanks for that by the way!) I bet if the OP HAD sent the text I suggested 'it was fun last night, if you wanna meet up again, let me know and we can check our schedules and meet up some time soon,' she may have got a second date. Instead of fucking about and acting like an entitled princess.

And no other suggestion anyone made was any better! And the man doesn't want to see the OP again.

It's OK though, as he is ugly and boring and a terrible kisser and wasn't good enough for the OP anyway!

Honestly, some of the posts on here were laughable and spiteful and plain nasty. 'Looks like you dodged a bullet,' 'he was a bad kisser, he would have been bad in bed,' 'he's flaky and useless,' 'why should YOU chase him?' 'he sounds like a tosser' (he did NOTHING WRONG FFS!)

No wonder some men run a mile from some women.

Basically, the OP spent an evening with this man, he asked her to text him to say she got home safe, but she couldn't be arsed (coz a MAN should do the chasing!) Then she comes onto mumsnet the following afternoon, crying off coz he hasn't texted her, (because HE SHOULD DO THE CHASING!)

Then she sends a silly cold text that gives NO indication that she wants to see him again, then she gets rejected by him, then gets her ego massaged by the 'men should chase you' brigade. THEN she bitches about how ugly and boring he was anyway, and how she wasn't interested anyway, and then sends a laughable 'glad we are on the same page' text. The 'he was ugly and a bad kisser' comments made you sound very bitter and angry by the way @japanesecat

Utterly pathetic. I really only see this behaviour in 15 to 23 year olds. Very immature behaviour.....

In addition, with the behaviour and attitudes of some of the women on here, it comes as no surprise that some women are permanently single. Not all men are going to tolerate being jerked around by some entitled little princess who thinks the man should do all the chasing. As I said, this type of woman always thinks a man should pay for everything too., and is permanently high maintenance.

Now the vipers can all go tear THIS post apart, and laugh and mock. I give zero fucks.

@kimanda I agree with you

OP my advice to you is to to go on more dates, if you are doing OLD then meet more people and don't dismiss people before meeting them because of superficial reasons. The more people you meet, the less invested you become in one particular person.

OLD in general is very difficult, so you have to have a thick skin and move on quickly and maybe even believe in fate a little bit, there are many twats out there and you can't afford to spend hours analyzing interactions with a perfect stranger.

I am 100% sure you will meet someone great very soon

Can I ask for some tips for first dates?! I used to think I was good, I think I’m almost too myself though. I definitely drank a little more than I should have on this one and we stayed out for five hours. Probably a mistake. What should I do going forward? No loss here but I get the impression if I had cut it short/ended on a high he would have wanted to see me again.

You're overthinking it. Unless you come across as an absolute psycho, then if he thinks you're attractive, he will want to see you again. One exception is if you come across as requiring more effort than he is willing to commit before getting his dick wet (like saying you don't believe in sex before marriage, for example) he might just cut his losses. But generally, if he thinks you're attractive, you don't have to worry about silly rules like letting him text first.

@kimanda Well said.

I essentially agree kimanda and it wás just the checking schedules part that was a bit business like. I think "let me know if you want to do it again" would have been fine.

I hope the OP takes our advice and stops playing games with the next one. I doubt it though.

getting his dick wet

Sorry

dtd

Well said @kimanda

Yes, @Fruitcorner123 I suspect the OP is going to play games on future dates just as she has on this one.

Maybe my text suggestion was a bit 'business like' but I don't think there was anything wrong with it.

It's just the way I would have worded it - and I didn't think there was any need for people to take the piss. I never slagged off anyone's suggestions... yet 4 or 5 people saw fit to lay into me.

Thanks to the people saying they agree with me now though. I appreciate it.

Excellent post, kimanda

@badlad

Every woman I know who has been online dating says the same things.

Meet quickly, chatting online means nothing.

When men really like you they get in touch, usually straight after the date.

Some will try to arrange a second date while they are with you, but the decent ones will message afterwards to avoid any embarrassment if you aren't keen.

If you are the first to message, it's usually going nowhere.

Never reply to a brush off, especially if it's a barely concealed lie.

Remember that many men are hoping to land a supermodel.

Don't be surprised to get a load of abuse if you reject them politely.

Grow a very thick skin.

Of course there must be exceptions to the rules, but not many.

Had a few bad experiences with online dating have you @blit? ^

I don't think it's excellent, I think poor OP has taken a real pounding on here and has taken things on the chin admirably, but tbh it's crossed over into plain rude sometimes. People should also take responsibility for the fact that on a public forum where there's some consensus a something which happens to be personal issue, your tone is magnified hundredfold. Hearing 'you suck' once in no way compares to hearing it from a hundred different people...so maybe bow out of being the 100th person to say it?

'silly cold text'
'bitched'
'ego massage'
'entitled little princess'
'utterly pathetic'
'laughable'
'high maintenance'
'very immature'
'bitter'
'fucking about'
'permanently single'
'crying off'
'couldn't be arsed'

I don't recognise the OP in there, you've put the worst possible spin on her posts.
Does that look nice, all written down together? And you have the cheek to accuse others of being nasty mind boggles!

Like fuck would you feel comfortable listing all that to someone's face IRL. And you clearly do care about others' opinions if you thank people for agreeing with you, and were wounded enough to come back to justify your post against 'mockers'!

^ oh that's all from one post at 14:42 btw, not dispersed throughout the thread

Raw.

Nerve.

Hit. ^