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AIBU?

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Original poster

Texting after first date

429 replies

JapaneseCat · 30/03/2018 14:31

When is too late for a guy to text? I felt he was into me but no text since we met last night. He made some references to “playing it cool” while we were on the date.

OP posts:
OutofSyncGirl · 31/03/2018 11:45

JC - I've been with my partner for 3 months. I actually asked him out (met through work) we had a lovely date & I stayed with him for 6 hours. The next day I waited for him to text me because I had been the one to ask him. Which he did I think in the afternoon. The flow of everything was natural.

I'm on the spectrum and I tend to have fallen into the 'I like you because you like me trap' before. It's quite a spectrummy trait I think. This was the one time I liked him first.

Sorry for rambling but my point is that it's perfectly fine to stay on the date a long time if you're getting on well l.

Original poster
JapaneseCat · 31/03/2018 11:51

I said “great, glad both on same page about that then :) take care”

I’ve been on 7 dates in the last four months though (friends of friends, people met in real life and dating apps) and genuinely feel like I still haven’t cracked it! I’m not that young actually, just not in a great place and finding life/work quite overwhelming - basically actively looking for someone to share it with! I think I need to step back for now though and work on myself as I go through real phases of self-hatred and I don’t think that’s conducive to a healthy/loving relationship.

OP posts:
QueenofmyPrinces · 31/03/2018 11:55

I met my husband online and when we went on our first date, which lasted about 5 hours, I got sooo drunk whereas he was sober because he was driving.

At the end of the date I had the munchies so I made him take me to McDonald’s at about midnight where he watched me devour ridiculous amounts of food Grin We

My point is, even if the first date isn’t exactly the Ideal Date and the impressions you give aren’t exactly the most honourable, if it’s meant to be, it will be.

Even after watching me get drunk and stuff hamburgers into me he still text me first thing the next morning to ask if he could see me again.

As I said, if it’s meant to be, then it will be.

Helmetbymidnight · 31/03/2018 11:58

Japanese, you didn't do anything wrong.

And you come across just fine.

He sounds like a tosser - leading you on and then backing off.

Whenever, I internet dated, the guys who wanted another date, texted almost right away. I understand many people feel thats too 1950-ish, but it worked for me.

g1itterati · 31/03/2018 12:00

OP - I would say you are absolutely fine. Don't let this knock your self-esteem. As I said yesterday, you knew something was "off" when he hadn't contacted you. Your gut instinct was right. This is why you posted. Trust yourself in future.

There are so many apologists for flaky, useless men and this is why people get into tedious relationships.

Know what you are looking for and stick to your own standards. If you like a man to make the effort, that is your prerogative. If a date doesn't behave in the way you would like, then he's not your type. Simple. Otherwise you are just setting yourself up for inevitable disappointment down the line.

One if the things I was most attracted to about DH was that he was direct and I never had to second guess him. He went out of his way and I respect that in a man. This was 15 years ago though, before OLD.

Good luck!

Helmetbymidnight · 31/03/2018 12:06

If you like a man to make the effort, that is your prerogative.

Yes, yes.

OutofSyncGirl · 31/03/2018 12:22

'There are so many apologists for flaky, useless men and this is why people get into tedious relationships. '

I agree

Gottagetmoving · 31/03/2018 12:23

It's best not to go into a first date with expectations of it leading to anything at all.
Just relax and see if you enjoy it. You can't expect that everyone you meet up with is going to want to take it further and if they don't, it's about their preferences and not about you.
It turns out you weren't that into him anyway but you thought he should be into you?
It's not the same as being dumped by someone you have dated for a while and who you are really into so move on and next time concentrate on having a good time rather than stressing about whether they like you or trying to guess what they think.
If you enjoyed a date, then text and say thanks for a lovely time.

waxedlyrical · 31/03/2018 12:24

I've been in his shoes though... had a date, got on well but possibly had some reservations, got a bit drunk and kissed them then the next day had a change of heart (when sober). Nothing wrong with the guys but I just wasn't 100% sure. Usually when I had a few more dates with other people lined up to be honest.

He didn't really do anything wrong and neither did you. Just let it go, your text was fine.

Xenadog · 31/03/2018 12:26

OP, I’ve read the full thread and your thoughts and actions are so typical of so many of my friends and of me in the past and what I would say is you have over-invested in one date.

The thing which worked for me was to multi date, I was meeting lots of men for coffee or an early evening drink and was too busy planning the next first date to notice if someone text me afterwards and wanted a second date. There was no angst and stress. I always text the bloke back after a first date to say it was great to meet and (usually) if they fancied meeting up again give me a shout. If they didn’t I wasn’t bothered.

Onwards and upwards, OP. Kiss those frogs and enjoy dating!

YourWanMajella · 31/03/2018 12:30

This reply has been deleted

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OutofSyncGirl · 31/03/2018 12:30

I really think that men who pay for everything are trying to get laid if they aren't genuinely interested. Some of them are very practised at it. I went on a date with some idiot who opened a tab and bought ridiculously expensive drinks on the first date and he was trying to get me to go in an hotel with him by the end.

OutofSyncGirl · 31/03/2018 12:31

I agree that coffee dates are best for a first date.

Original poster
JapaneseCat · 31/03/2018 12:39

Haha omg he’s already unmatched me on the app (we were texting so no real need to do this) - I like the multidating strategy, going to try it!!

OP posts:
honeyroar · 31/03/2018 12:45

Fair enough though- at least he finally replied. You can't click with everyone, that's life. Just move on.

CarrieBradshawsScrunchie · 31/03/2018 13:06

Bit of a twat, bad kisser and you sound great. Move on!

TheNaze73 · 31/03/2018 13:13

I think you can learn from this and move on, sounds like that’s what he was doing last night.

Original poster
JapaneseCat · 31/03/2018 13:17

Thanks TheNaze - genuine question, what can I learn from it? I assume apply the rules as I have been in the past 😂

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 31/03/2018 13:24

No, don’t play games, text when you say you’re going to & don’t expect people to be mind readers.

If someone said they'd text & didn’t, most people would assume you weren’t interested & move on. With 7 billion people on the planet, he can afford to be choosy. OLD has been a game changer

ilovesooty · 31/03/2018 13:29

Apply the rules Hmm

Well you seemed keen enough on him before he texted back. So he doesn't want to date you. Move onto another date and next time stop navel gazing about the whole thing and expecting some kind of complicated game playing to happen. And if you agree to text when you get home to say you're safe do it. If you'd done it straight away this time it would have saved a lot of hassle.

ilovesooty · 31/03/2018 13:31

And he probably did interpret your text as a brush off, hence his reply. But since you weren't that keen on him it doesn't matter...

SparklyMagpie · 31/03/2018 13:31

Atleast you know where you stand now OP,but it's funny how you started saying "he was a bad kisser" "wasn't good looking" etc after he's knocked you back

Wish you luck though

Delatron · 31/03/2018 13:38

OP, there's nothing to learn from it. You did nothing wrong. You either click with someone or you don't and just forget about him.

What I will say (and I don't care if it's 1950s) that when a man likes you they tend to make it very clear. They text you, they insist on a second date. If they don't do that you can tell they aren't that bothered. It saves a lot of angst and 'oh should I text him, why hasn't he replied' etc.

So whilst reading this I was going to chip in and say 'don't text him. If he likes you he'll get in touch'. Then you would have avoided the cringy 'sorry I don't want to date' reply. So many people were saying, text him, tell him you like him, ask him why he's free next... I say leave it up to them. If they like you they'll show it very quickly.

Stillwishihadabs · 31/03/2018 13:45

No his text doesn't need a response. I am honestly not surprised he has backed right off. You got drunk and you didn't text until the best part of 24 hours later. There's nothing wrong with kissing or indeed having sex with someone you are unsure if you want to see again- isn't that what we all did in the good old days ? ( pub, club, snog then decide). The whole thing seems very early 20's to me, just relax and enjoy yourself. If I became single again that kind of care free attitude would be so enjoyable after being in a long term relationship.

Helmetbymidnight · 31/03/2018 13:54

I am honestly not surprised he has backed right off. You got drunk and you didn't text until the best part of 24 hours later.

the idea that he was really keen but then so hurt that she didn't text straight away that he decided to reject her is just too bizarre.
I've never met a man like that in my life.