To destroy something which we found in our house but isn't ours

[ilovejohncooperclarke]

The thread about finding things after someone has died made me wonder if mumsnet can help with this issue we have. I've changed my name, just in case.

Whilst clearing out our attic getting ready to lay more insulation DH came across a rusted cash tin, tucked away in a corner. DH brought it down and we were quite excited as to what it might contain as it had been well hidden. When we opened it we discovered my MIL had an affair with a family friend - there are letters to and from my FIL to the other man, and letters from MIL to FIL and the other man. My DH was in his early 20s when this happened (before I knew him, he's now mid 40s) and he says this discovery makes some things clear but he never suspected anything at the time and is struggling with it now. MIL and FIL still together. They are very churchy and this doesn't seem to fit but the evidence is clear.

My question is - what do we do with the tin and contents now? Just get rid so no-one else will find it? Or hand it back to FIL as it's really his property, but then he'll know we know? Or hang onto it in case FIL ever asks about it? We've hidden it again but I'm not sure we want it to be accidentally found again. I think we should destroy it but I struggle that it's not really ours, or is it, as it was in our house? I think if it had been full of cash, or share certificates we'd have tried to find the rightful owner. We've lived here for 10 years. It was PIL house for 20 years before that.

What would you do?

Put it back. Destroy it after they die.

I'd burn the letters & recycle the tin.

"Put it back. Destroy it after they die."

why is this perceived as better than destroying it now?
I could face admitting I had found out, if that's supposed to be the huge problem to avoid.

In case they want it as it's technically theirs. After they're dead that isn't the case.

I guess only OP knows if the ILs would create a family row over their destroyed 'property'.

FWIW my husband committed suicide. Our daughters were 8, 15, and 18. He wrote each a letter. Nothing nasty but totally inappropriate for their ages and likely to give them a legacy of pain all their lives. Initially the letters stayed with the Police then were given to the Coroner. At the Inquest I had to acknowledge it was his handwriting and then the Coroner, old and kind, said "I will keep these."

This is not as serious, perhaps, but I think you are in a position to prevent suffering. Time has dealt with the relationship described in the letters. Do not bring back the pain. Please let bygones be bygones.

If they say did you find anything please say you threw away some old rubbish when you cleared the attack and didn't notice much at all. If they press you be vague; maybe a tin of old Christmas cards and so on. If they are happy now please leave things that way.

Ellyess. I’m so sorry you and the girls had to go through that, losing a DH & Dad is hard anyway, but in that way, just completely devastating 💐

I had a picture that reminded me of bad times (nothing awful, just very sad). I didn't know what I do with it, so I hid it while I decided.

I forgot about it for years until I found it again. I got rid immediately, but now the memory of it won't go. I wish I'd destroyed it years ago. This was with nothing bad, just sadness attached to.

They've obviously been hidden for a reason. Maybe one doesn't know. Maybe some of those letter were unsent.

Surely, if they'd wanted them, they'd have taken them with them.

I can see nothing good for giving the, back. If you don't destroy them, then who knows could find them in the future.

Put them back and do what you want with them when they die.
They are not.your letters. They were kept locked in a tin and hidden for a reason. Who ever they belong to (mil or fil) might one day want to read them for whatever reason. Maybe theraputic past reliving. Do not destroy or get rid of something so deeply personal that does not belong to you. I have things like that hidden for personal reasons and one day i may wish to recover them. I would be devestated to find someone took it.upon themselves to destroy it because they felt it immoral.

If they wanted to reread them for therapeutic past reliving, then they would have taken them with them!!! As if an affair will bring back therapeutic memories, anyway!

Just because something might have negative memorys does not mean it cant be theraputic to relive. In therapy people often relive past bad memorys to process them and move on. Who ever stashed the box there did so for a reason. Either give it back to them or put it back where you found it. If you have only just found it now then its not something that will bother you putting it back.

A wee bit tricky as your hubby has seen them (being their son, can he forget????)

I cannot believe they were put away for any good reasons. Unless OP's DH is a result of the affair??

I'd burn burn burn.

I was thinking that the parents had probably forgotten all about them (otherwise why wouldn't they have taken them with them?)

I'd keep them - the fact that letters back and forward are collected together suggests that someone wanted them all. Equally, as distasteful as you may find it, it was an important part of their lives

Unless OP's DH is a result of the affair??

He was in his early 20s.

Could have been more ongoing affair than that, SoupD.

Pah, if someone wanted to keep them, they would have taken them away with house move 9 yrs ago. They just couldn't face letting go at the time they were stowed away (probably decades ago).