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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To destroy something which we found in our house but isn't ours

192 replies

ilovejohncooperclarke · 30/03/2018 10:52

The thread about finding things after someone has died made me wonder if mumsnet can help with this issue we have. I've changed my name, just in case.

Whilst clearing out our attic getting ready to lay more insulation DH came across a rusted cash tin, tucked away in a corner. DH brought it down and we were quite excited as to what it might contain as it had been well hidden. When we opened it we discovered my MIL had an affair with a family friend - there are letters to and from my FIL to the other man, and letters from MIL to FIL and the other man. My DH was in his early 20s when this happened (before I knew him, he's now mid 40s) and he says this discovery makes some things clear but he never suspected anything at the time and is struggling with it now. MIL and FIL still together. They are very churchy and this doesn't seem to fit but the evidence is clear.

My question is - what do we do with the tin and contents now? Just get rid so no-one else will find it? Or hand it back to FIL as it's really his property, but then he'll know we know? Or hang onto it in case FIL ever asks about it? We've hidden it again but I'm not sure we want it to be accidentally found again. I think we should destroy it but I struggle that it's not really ours, or is it, as it was in our house? I think if it had been full of cash, or share certificates we'd have tried to find the rightful owner. We've lived here for 10 years. It was PIL house for 20 years before that.

What would you do?

OP posts:
PoorYorick · 30/03/2018 12:17

Ok, bah, think I've got it now. If the PILs don't live there any more, and it's very safe to say that it will cause nothing but pain, destruction and absolutely no good if it's ever discovered, I revert to my initial statement. Destroy. Yes I know you're not supposed to destroy other people's property but if you can't see the difference between this and setting fire to a car, you're an idiot.

SoupDragon · 30/03/2018 12:22

Turnip, OP corrected the situation to state it was in the PIL's attic, not their own house.

No she didn’t Confused. She’s posted once and said “We've lived here for 10 years. It was PIL house for 20 years before that”

EveningHare · 30/03/2018 12:23

there are letters to and from my FIL to the other man, and letters from MIL to FIL and the other man

surely the letters to the other man would be .... with the other man?

TheSmallClangerWhistlesAgain · 30/03/2018 12:24

No need to destroy them. Just throw them in the bin. No good will come of dragging things up.

ChelleDawg2020 · 30/03/2018 12:27

Return it to them. The letters obviously meant something otherwise they wouldn't have gone to the lengths they went to to keep them secure.

You are within your rights to destroy it but I'd say return it and see what sort of fallout there is.

Teateaandmoretea · 30/03/2018 12:30

The thing is my FIL had an affair 15 years ago, it is never ever ever spoken about. The idea that after 10 years he's gonna rock up and ask for them is Confused. I suspect he knows they are there and it gives him one or two cold sweats but he will just hope that you never find them or if you do you don't rake it up

MuddlingMackem · 30/03/2018 12:30

Put it back and leave it until both MIL and FIL are long gone. It's an unfortunate bit of family history, but may be something which for your grandchildren adds to the family history for rounding out people they never met from handrwritten letters.

Teateaandmoretea · 30/03/2018 12:31

No chelle they got chucked up there so MIL wouldn't find them at the time. If they meant anything to him he wouldn't have forgotten when they moved.

PearsandCustard · 30/03/2018 12:33

So it was a family friend, there are letters from both in laws to the person but MILs letters indicate an affair and FILs letters indicate he is unaware of the affair? I would presume then that said family friend passed these letters to MIL. I would engineer a scenario where you get MIL on her own at your house, pass the tin to her in a casual way (oh, seeing as you're here, we found this, thought it might belong to you or FIL) and let her decide. She seems to be the only person in the scenario who has full knowledge of the situation. Let her make the decision.

Gwenhwyfar · 30/03/2018 12:35

"You now own the house and they left it there so legally it's yours I imagine. "

Is that legally true if it was left by accident?
If post arrives for previous inhabitants it doesn't belong to the current inhabitants apparently.

Teateaandmoretea · 30/03/2018 12:40

When dh and I bought our first house the previous owners left a right load of old crap behind. We took it down the tip I don't really see the difference? You sell with vacant possession, ie you and your belongings must not be there when the new person moves in.

NorksAreMessy · 30/03/2018 12:43
Hmm
MammaAgata · 30/03/2018 12:44

I don’t think I’ve ever read a thread where so many haven’t bothered to read the OP. It is OP’s house. They’ve lived there for 10 years. Prior to that it was IL’s house, they lived there for 20 years.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 30/03/2018 12:55

It WAS the PIL's attic (they lived in the house BEFORE OP and her DH).

How do you know this?

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 30/03/2018 12:55

It doesn’t matter who the box legally belong to, isn’t it? It is all about protecting the so called stability of the family.

MiddleClassProblem · 30/03/2018 12:56

GreatDuckCookery it says in the OP! At the end!

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 30/03/2018 12:57

Oh sorry I missed that bit!

LaurieFairyCake · 30/03/2018 12:57

I’m not a fan of lying and family secrets so I would give it back to them both and say that I was glad they were happy now (if they were)

I think as you get older you realise all ages are the same and that there’s nothing different about being older or from a different time, the same mistakes are made over and over again

I see no reason to hide this or drag it out - I wouldn’t be judgemental of the contents and would want to acknowledge they are human and flawed and real just like me

An interesting thread for Good Friday

SoupDragon · 30/03/2018 12:58

I'd say return it and see what sort of fallout there is.

Seriously? You’d want to see the fallout? Wow.

Teateaandmoretea · 30/03/2018 13:00

The idea to me of digging up FILS affair from the past is horrific so I would go the other way and chuck them. Leave the past in the past and live for the future I reckon. You are right though Laurie it has been an interesting discussion.

LynetteScavo · 30/03/2018 13:05

Just shove it back where you found it and pretend you've never seen it. FIL or MIL may ask fir it one day, then you can pretend you know nothing about it.

I think the harm if anyone finding out had already been done, but it will be worse if they know you know.

eridanus · 30/03/2018 13:06

Just leave it where you found it, the letters were kept by someone for a reason, then left because they have moved on, but may be looked for again at some point. Just put it back and say nothing.

Teateaandmoretea · 30/03/2018 13:09

I couldn't do that - I wouldn't want them in my house.

HonkyWonkWoman · 30/03/2018 13:10

Just put it back and throw it away when DFil and DMil die!
Any other suggestions is ridiculous.

sonsmum · 30/03/2018 13:12

No good will come from giving it to them. Only reactions you can't control, but may well feel responsible for.
I wouldn't destroy, but would put back and leave.
This is a situation where it best to turn a blind eye.