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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To destroy something which we found in our house but isn't ours

192 replies

ilovejohncooperclarke · 30/03/2018 10:52

The thread about finding things after someone has died made me wonder if mumsnet can help with this issue we have. I've changed my name, just in case.

Whilst clearing out our attic getting ready to lay more insulation DH came across a rusted cash tin, tucked away in a corner. DH brought it down and we were quite excited as to what it might contain as it had been well hidden. When we opened it we discovered my MIL had an affair with a family friend - there are letters to and from my FIL to the other man, and letters from MIL to FIL and the other man. My DH was in his early 20s when this happened (before I knew him, he's now mid 40s) and he says this discovery makes some things clear but he never suspected anything at the time and is struggling with it now. MIL and FIL still together. They are very churchy and this doesn't seem to fit but the evidence is clear.

My question is - what do we do with the tin and contents now? Just get rid so no-one else will find it? Or hand it back to FIL as it's really his property, but then he'll know we know? Or hang onto it in case FIL ever asks about it? We've hidden it again but I'm not sure we want it to be accidentally found again. I think we should destroy it but I struggle that it's not really ours, or is it, as it was in our house? I think if it had been full of cash, or share certificates we'd have tried to find the rightful owner. We've lived here for 10 years. It was PIL house for 20 years before that.

What would you do?

OP posts:
Aprilmightmemynewname · 30/03/2018 11:17

Put it back and bleach you eyes!!

StealthPolarBear · 30/03/2018 11:18

Mean it was their house

MiddleClassProblem · 30/03/2018 11:18

MeanTangerine OP says it was PIL’s house before it was theirs... in the OP...

NoSquirrels · 30/03/2018 11:19

Ignore it. Destroy it after their deaths.

In the unlikely event they ask for it, you can pretend to “discover” it then, and hand it over “unopened”.

It sounds like it’s been forgotten about, but it may be that an event will trigger one of them to think about it and realise it’s still there, in which case you need to be able to give it back.

Being “churchy” is no guarantee of impeccable morals in every situation or if emotional affairs of the heart that interfere. It sounds like your FIL and MIL have forgiven and moved on (which IS “churchy”) so don’t do anything to interfere in matters that aren’t your business and could cause hurt all over again.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 30/03/2018 11:19

Definitely destroy it after their deaths and not before and definitely do not give it to them or mention it at all, even saying you found it but didn't look in it is a terrible idea

Notevilstepmother · 30/03/2018 11:21

Another vote for put it back and forget about it, destroy it once they pass.

8oOoOoOo8 · 30/03/2018 11:22

They'll never believe you haven't opened it - as if!

Just destroy it (unless you want to confront them). Workmen could easily have found and got rid. And who's to say you won't die first and it'll cause problems in the future?

MrsCrabbyTree · 30/03/2018 11:22

Some things are best left in the past, this is one of them. I'd destroy it myself.

My mother passed away a few years ago. While going through her things I found a letter from my father which didn't show him in a good light. The only reason I can see that my mum kept this letter from 40 years ago was an attempt for me to think less of my father. It did affect my memories of him but also those of my mum. It was a totally passive aggressive move from the grave, so to speak.

MeanTangerine · 30/03/2018 11:23

Thank you for people clarifying the house ownership issue. I am not feeling my most alert this morning Blush

Put it back, destroy it after their deaths. They have very probably forgotten all about the box, and I don't think reminding them would cheer them up. Maybe their churchiness helped them forgive.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 30/03/2018 11:25

Do not dream of giving it back, if your MIL knows that you both know, it can force her to face the situation with FIL and DH with all the damage that comes with it.

Bin it or hid it again and put the insulation over but do NOT give it back. This can change a happy family setting forever.

JingsMahBucket · 30/03/2018 11:26

+1 to putting it back and never mentioning.

MCSpammer · 30/03/2018 11:26

Where does it say that in the Op? Did you inherit the house or is your DH doing a job for them in their house?

Clearly this is not the point but I want to know!!! Also, what on earth do letters from FIL to affair man say?? Why would they have keep the letters?

LuluJakey1 · 30/03/2018 11:27

I am assuming MIL is now dead as you say it belongs to FIL? There are letters to and from FIL in tin and from MIL to FIL and other man? So it sound as if FIL knows all about it and was the person who hid the tin.
I would give him it back and just say you found it in the loft, opened it, saw there were personal letters so did not read them but are assuming it belongs to PIL.
He can destroy it if he wants and you don't risk him asking in the future if he can retrieve something he left behind.

SoupDragon · 30/03/2018 11:28

I would keep it safe or 'hidden' until after their deaths, then destroy it

This.

SoupDragon · 30/03/2018 11:28

I am assuming MIL is now dead as you say it belongs to FIL?

She says they are still together.

LuluJakey1 · 30/03/2018 11:30

Sorry, just seem MIL is still with FIL so not dead. Sorry. In that case I would just put it back where it was and if they ever ask for it play dumb and let them go and get it. Destroy it when they die if they don't ask.

HottySnanky · 30/03/2018 11:31

Put it back, pretend you never found it, don't mention it, then destroy when they have passed.

Kualabear · 30/03/2018 11:33

Do not destroy them, they are not yours to destroy. This is akin to book burning. Wrong, wrong on every level. This isn't Snapchat, it. Is real life.

bimbobaggins · 30/03/2018 11:35

Some tins are best left unopened.
I would destroy it. Don’t see any point rehiding it because you always know it’s there and need dealt with at a later date.

BeBesideTheSea · 30/03/2018 11:35

I think if they had remembered it was there, they would have removed it before the house became yours.

I would destroy it

snewsname · 30/03/2018 11:35

Yep, keep quiet and destroy after their deaths.

gamerchick · 30/03/2018 11:38

Just give it back. You don’t have to say you’ve opened it. Just say you found it in the loft and is it theirs?

It’s not yours to destroy.

ReanimatedSGB · 30/03/2018 11:38

Another vote for putting it back where you found it. Perhaps, when they are both gone and you/DH are getting really elderly, you might want to hand it on to some social archive, because in 100 years time or so it would be a fascinating discovery for a historian (once all of you are gone and your grandchildren, if any, will be too far removed from the actual participants to be upset.)

ShawshanksRedemption · 30/03/2018 11:39

I'd agree with PPs but this:
My DH was in his early 20s when this happened (before I knew him, he's now mid 40s) and he says this discovery makes some things clear but he never suspected anything at the time and is struggling with it now.
Is this something your DH can move on from and therefore not mention to his parents? If it's going to damage their relationship he needs to be honest with them when he hands it back.

ReanimatedSGB · 30/03/2018 11:41

Also voting very VERY strongly against destroying it. It's not yours. Someone kept it for a reason. It's been there for a long time and might actually have been intended for 'posterity' like I suggested previously.

But destroying other people's letters is what self-righteous, ignorant scumbags do.