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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To destroy something which we found in our house but isn't ours

192 replies

ilovejohncooperclarke · 30/03/2018 10:52

The thread about finding things after someone has died made me wonder if mumsnet can help with this issue we have. I've changed my name, just in case.

Whilst clearing out our attic getting ready to lay more insulation DH came across a rusted cash tin, tucked away in a corner. DH brought it down and we were quite excited as to what it might contain as it had been well hidden. When we opened it we discovered my MIL had an affair with a family friend - there are letters to and from my FIL to the other man, and letters from MIL to FIL and the other man. My DH was in his early 20s when this happened (before I knew him, he's now mid 40s) and he says this discovery makes some things clear but he never suspected anything at the time and is struggling with it now. MIL and FIL still together. They are very churchy and this doesn't seem to fit but the evidence is clear.

My question is - what do we do with the tin and contents now? Just get rid so no-one else will find it? Or hand it back to FIL as it's really his property, but then he'll know we know? Or hang onto it in case FIL ever asks about it? We've hidden it again but I'm not sure we want it to be accidentally found again. I think we should destroy it but I struggle that it's not really ours, or is it, as it was in our house? I think if it had been full of cash, or share certificates we'd have tried to find the rightful owner. We've lived here for 10 years. It was PIL house for 20 years before that.

What would you do?

OP posts:
Aridane · 31/03/2018 19:12

Well, whatever you do, don’t pass them over to your ILs

HarrietSpecter · 31/03/2018 19:20

I would say either:

a) put it back and keep it hidden

b) "find it" while they are with you - so they can see that you found it but didn't open it; announce you are having a clear out of the area it was hidden in, and say 'ooh look at this, look what I've found!! Is it yours mil/fil?' and let them take it from there

Just depends how you think they will cope with seeing the letters again

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/03/2018 19:22

Legally the letters are yours. Morally they are not. What do you care about most? The actual law or what’s actually right.

ScattyCharly · 31/03/2018 19:26

I’d chuck the lot in the tip and not mention it

If they ask about a tin, you can say you chucked everything out in order to insulate.

awifeyforlifey · 31/03/2018 19:31

Yikes. If it were me, I'd let DH do what he liked with the box since it belonged to his parents and they left it in the house. My thought would be he'd probably want to destroy it, as the issue's been dealt with long ago and they didn't care enough to take it with them. The old adage, let sleeping dogs lie, applies well here. No point in raising this again after all these years.

LeighaJ · 31/03/2018 19:33

Destroy it.

Mum2jenny · 31/03/2018 19:35

My dh thought it was totally unacceptable to read personal letters between his parents so we destroyed them. One sister agreed, the other wasn't informed. He was executer of the will, so his decision.

However I will now destroy any personal communications between us, as I don't want my dc reading this sort of info.

YearOfYouRemember · 31/03/2018 19:40

Put it back and say nothing or tell your mil you've found a tin, does she want it left, binned or given to her. You can't destroy it without her say so. It's not yours and not your business.

newtlover · 31/03/2018 19:44

put it back and say nothing, BUT mention to them that you have been in the attic- give them the opportunity to remember about the tin- if they ask, say, no you haven't seen anything but offer to have a look. Then you can return it 'unopened'

Sandinmyshoes23 · 31/03/2018 19:56

25 years ago approx so this would have been around 1993 approx. Maybe they were kept as evidence? that would explain why there are from and to letters - whether originals or photocopies. Are the “to” ones photocopies? If you have to keep the letters till they pass on, it could possibly be another 20 years or so.

I would make sure they know you are insulating the loft, try to jog someone’s memory. It seems odd to have completely forgotten the tin was there, if it was important.

wallowinwater · 31/03/2018 19:58

Leave it somewhere in thier house and don’t mention it... maybe hide it somewhere...

Turnitaroundagain · 31/03/2018 20:19

I actually think these things are better out in the open. It’s going to be difficult for your DH to not let them know that he knows and you will both be looking at them differently. I would tell them the whole truth. Whoever put it there might even want you to know about it so never retrieved it. It’s odd to leave it behind tbh I don’t think it’s the sort of thing you would completely forget you had hidden.

gill0712 · 31/03/2018 21:03

i agree
just tuck it back into its hiding place .

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 31/03/2018 21:13

Burn them Cake

Sorry that’s a horrible find

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 31/03/2018 21:13

Not sure why that’s a cake Blush

Biblio78 · 31/03/2018 22:12

Get rid.
A relative insisted on another close relative being given a letter addressed to her which was in my grandmother's effects. We all knew my grandmother had been a difficult woman and strongly advised just chucking it away. the letter was written after she'd had treatment for cancer and was very bitter towards the world in general.
Needless to say the letter devastated the recipient and caused a lot of heartache

Prussiablue · 31/03/2018 22:52

I absolutely agree

AliMonkey · 31/03/2018 23:07

DM and DF separated after long marriage. DF's choice - his reasons were along the lines of DM not letting him spend enough time doing the "good deeds" he wanted to. When he died a few years later I discovered a box in his house which belonged to someone he had met through the "good deeds". She was half his age and it became clear that an affair started when he and DM were still together - I knew this from reading a letter from him to her. I then read the whole lot of letters. I contacted her and asked if she wanted the"box of things" I had found and she told me to bin or take to charity shop. I binned the letters.

If I hadn't read the first letter I wouldn't have known who the box belonged to. If I hadn't read the rest I would still think DF was basically a decent man. It has spoilt my view of him - not actually the affair as much as the lies about why he left. But it means I have a more correct view so I still think I did the right thing.

If he had been alive when I found them I think I would have put them back and not said anything directly. But I do think I would have at least asked indirectly, giving him the opportunity to tell me if he wanted to.

Rita2u · 01/04/2018 01:14

Another vote for putting it back where you found it. Perhaps, when they are both gone and you/DH are getting really elderly, you might want to hand it on to some social archive, because in 100 years time or so it would be a fascinating discovery for a historian (once all of you are gone and your grandchildren, if any, will be too far removed from the actual participants to be upset.)

Definitely this ^

So many historical documents are destroyed or not made in this technical age. It would be a big shame to lose this bit of history (once all involved/affected have passed).

Mightymucks · 01/04/2018 01:18

Wait until they’re dead then use them as the basis of a book with the names changed.

I would so buy it. I want to read them now tbh.

Abbylee · 01/04/2018 04:07

Destroy them. Nothing says a rodent didn't get to the tin first.

Before your dh has too much angst remind him that parents are people too. For some reason we seem to forget this.

Parents make mistakes, struggle and love.

Next time you find letters that are not addressed to you, put them back or give them back. It's never a good idea to read other people's mail.

jocarter67 · 01/04/2018 08:47

I think your poor DH should think about it very seriously. If this is going to play on his mind and haunt him then I think for his piece of mind he should speak to his parents about it.

Icanttakemuchmore · 01/04/2018 09:58

What if one of your Dh's parents doesn't know that the other kept all the letters?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 01/04/2018 10:04

Someone, you don't know who, wanted to keep it or at least not destroy it and hidden it there and probably hopes you won't come across it. I also vote, put it back. Put some junk on top and never speak of it again. If anyone asks, you've never come across it. I also think they wouldnt believe you've not opened it. In fact they will know if you say that, you have opened it. If it was a tin of fishing tackle you would have just chucked it. They've probably spent years trying to get over this and knowing that you both know something they've tried to bury could really complicate all your dealings with them. The past is the past. Best to leave it there and claim ignorance if the tin is ever mentioned.

Ellyess · 01/04/2018 12:56

KerryMucklowe is right. Destroy it.

Please do not cause anyone any unnecessary pain.