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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To destroy something which we found in our house but isn't ours

192 replies

ilovejohncooperclarke · 30/03/2018 10:52

The thread about finding things after someone has died made me wonder if mumsnet can help with this issue we have. I've changed my name, just in case.

Whilst clearing out our attic getting ready to lay more insulation DH came across a rusted cash tin, tucked away in a corner. DH brought it down and we were quite excited as to what it might contain as it had been well hidden. When we opened it we discovered my MIL had an affair with a family friend - there are letters to and from my FIL to the other man, and letters from MIL to FIL and the other man. My DH was in his early 20s when this happened (before I knew him, he's now mid 40s) and he says this discovery makes some things clear but he never suspected anything at the time and is struggling with it now. MIL and FIL still together. They are very churchy and this doesn't seem to fit but the evidence is clear.

My question is - what do we do with the tin and contents now? Just get rid so no-one else will find it? Or hand it back to FIL as it's really his property, but then he'll know we know? Or hang onto it in case FIL ever asks about it? We've hidden it again but I'm not sure we want it to be accidentally found again. I think we should destroy it but I struggle that it's not really ours, or is it, as it was in our house? I think if it had been full of cash, or share certificates we'd have tried to find the rightful owner. We've lived here for 10 years. It was PIL house for 20 years before that.

What would you do?

OP posts:
MrsExpo · 30/03/2018 13:13

I'm another who's intrigued as to why there are letters TO the OM. Speculating, of course, but maybe the three of them (MiL, FiL and OM) agreed at the time to put them all together as "evidence" of the affair and get rid of them as a way of ending it and allowing your ILs to move on. It seems that, whichever IL was charged with the disposal simply stashed the tin in the loft, rather than burning it or permanently destroying it own some other way. Thought provoking for sure, but I'd certainly not be dragging up old hurts at this stage. Put the tin back where it was found, cover it in the new insulation, never mention it to either IL and move on.

IamaBluebird · 30/03/2018 13:14

Who knows what hurt and upset these letters could cause. Put them back where you found them would be my advice Op.

Dodie66 · 30/03/2018 13:16

If you destroy it and them they remember and ask about it what will you say? I’d put it back and leave it

OohMavis · 30/03/2018 13:16

Put it back.

It may have been hidden there by FIL, as proof of the affair. I know that's what I'd do before screenshots and emails.

If you get rid of it, he may realise it's still there one day you'll have to explain that you opened it and got rid of it - awkward.

If you give it back to them, a) they'll never believe you didn't open it, and b) MIL may not know they still exist and it will upset her/their marriage.

Once they've passed you can destroy it.

morningconstitutional2017 · 30/03/2018 13:18

If this were my attic, my ILs, etc I'd be inclined to shred them and throw away, along with the rusty old tin.

What good would it do to remind them of this old hurt? Raking it up is to be avoided. They've probably forgotten all about it and it's for the best if you forget about it too. Least said, soonest mended.

category12 · 30/03/2018 13:24

I'd keep it for future generations interest, personally. A time capsule of a particular episode in family history.

Verbena37 · 30/03/2018 13:25

I would either pack it up with a load of other stuff for you FIL, if there is anything else that belongs to them or otherwise, when you next go to their house, hide it somewhere where he will find it but only once you’ve gone home.

Or actually, if it’s not important to anyone (as in won’t affect anything by not being found) burn it.

category12 · 30/03/2018 13:25

And if it was in a rusty locked tin, there's no way OP could pass it off as not having been opened Hmm.

Snowjoker · 30/03/2018 13:35

You should not have read the letters once you saw names on them or recognised handwriting. What if they were passionate love letters? It was no of your business to read them. I see the temptation but this is the kind of thing that happens when you snoop.

TimesNewRoman · 30/03/2018 13:36

I would definitely NOT keep it for the the archives or to be read about by their future great great grandchildren. They'd be turning in their graves.

Fascinating thread but I agree with put it back, destroy after they pass away.

category12 · 30/03/2018 13:43

It's something interesting, it's what happens in people's lives - much of our stuff is going to be wiped away with technology moving ahead of how we've stored our stories and pictures. When we're picking through the rubble of history, this would be great to find.

AJPTaylor · 30/03/2018 13:48

i would destroy.
they would never ask. if they did i would just say everything got chucked when you did the insulation.
its ancient history. no good will be done of giving it back/discussing it.

FlouncyDoves · 30/03/2018 13:54

This would make a good novel...

Skittlesandbeer · 30/03/2018 14:01

What kind of PILS are they? If they start stomping your boundaries, drop dark hints using meaningful brow movements.

Ok, kidding. Kinda.

SimonBridges · 30/03/2018 14:03

For the people who are confused about how the box got there,
I struggle that it's not really ours, or is it, as it was in our house? ............. We've lived here for 10 years. It was PIL house for 20 years before that.

I’m unsure why all the letters were kept in the first place.
I can only assume that all these letters went back and forth with the OM giving them to PIL to destroy so that the OM partner didn’t find out. But why keep them.

Anyway. I would hide them again then destroy after they have gone.

specialsubject · 30/03/2018 14:17

As all parties concerned knew about the affair, and your husband's parentage is not in question - put back and destroy after their deaths.

also seal it and put a note round it; 'if found to be destroyed unopened' in case you move house and forget. Although no guarantees!

what a shock for your husband, hope he can move on. And no, religion has no relevance to 'morals', whatever they are. The world is full of much worse examples.

8oOoOoOo8 · 30/03/2018 14:31

If I saw something that said 'destroy unopened', the first thing I'd do is open it Grin

Original poster
ilovejohncooperclarke · 30/03/2018 14:33

Thank you all. I will read through the responses and speak with DH Flowers

OP posts:
EveningHare · 30/03/2018 14:54

just put it back, dont mention it

PoorYorick · 30/03/2018 15:29

If I saw something that said 'destroy unopened', the first thing I'd do is open it

Me too.

Why wait until they're dead? Just destroy it now. There is nothing to gain and everything to lose.

Lacucuracha · 30/03/2018 15:58

Why is it FIL’s property rather than MIL’s?

Because the letters are from MIL to FIL and to and from FIL and OM.

Not sure how FIL got hold of the letters he wrote to OM, or that MIL wrote to OM. Unless OM has mysteriously disappeared?

EastMidsMummy · 30/03/2018 16:04

If you destroy it and them they remember and ask about it what will you say?

“Yeah, we had a big clear out a couple of years ago and threw loads out of the attic. Maybe your tin was part of that.”

BrendasUmbrella · 30/03/2018 16:45

You make it sound like your FIL was aware of the affair? Is that what the letters were about? Or were they normal subject letters between two friends, and he wasn't aware?

If he didn't know (as far as you are aware) it would be cruel to give them to him. Under those circumstances if anything I'd return them to MIL with a simple "I think these belong to you" and she can choose what she wants to do. if they both knew and it's water under the bridge just put them back and forget about them, or destroy them. Whatever you're most comfortable with.

Andylion · 30/03/2018 17:18

OP, do your PiLs know you are insulating the attic? If whoever put the box there knows about the work you are doing, they might ask if you came across it.

Topseyt · 30/03/2018 17:48

I'd destroy it. I just can't see why anyone would want to take over it again now.

I'd pretend never to have come across anything if ever asked.