To destroy something which we found in our house but isn't ours

[ilovejohncooperclarke]

The thread about finding things after someone has died made me wonder if mumsnet can help with this issue we have. I've changed my name, just in case.

Whilst clearing out our attic getting ready to lay more insulation DH came across a rusted cash tin, tucked away in a corner. DH brought it down and we were quite excited as to what it might contain as it had been well hidden. When we opened it we discovered my MIL had an affair with a family friend - there are letters to and from my FIL to the other man, and letters from MIL to FIL and the other man. My DH was in his early 20s when this happened (before I knew him, he's now mid 40s) and he says this discovery makes some things clear but he never suspected anything at the time and is struggling with it now. MIL and FIL still together. They are very churchy and this doesn't seem to fit but the evidence is clear.

My question is - what do we do with the tin and contents now? Just get rid so no-one else will find it? Or hand it back to FIL as it's really his property, but then he'll know we know? Or hang onto it in case FIL ever asks about it? We've hidden it again but I'm not sure we want it to be accidentally found again. I think we should destroy it but I struggle that it's not really ours, or is it, as it was in our house? I think if it had been full of cash, or share certificates we'd have tried to find the rightful owner. We've lived here for 10 years. It was PIL house for 20 years before that.

What would you do?

Id also destroy it, this is none of you and your husbands business and it will cause huge embarassement or upset if you raise it. You both clearly sat and read the letters, which in itself is an infringement of their privacy,

If asked I'd also say I'd had not seen it and let them think it had just been lost at some point if anyone asked, which they won't.

I am shocked that people are suggesting the letters be destroyed. Have you never seen Who do You Think You are? Or other history programmes? It is material like this that helps us understand previous generations and piece together social history. What good will destroying it do? The people who received the letters have, for reasons unknown, allowed them to be removed from their control and someone has hidden them but not cared enough to remove them when they moved house.

That said, if your husband is now struggling with how it affects his relationship with his parents, and they aren’t not infirm, he should talk to them about it (and this would mean handing the letters back to them). Why infantilise them by not raising the subject? As someone said, forgiveness and staying together after an affair is actually entirely in keeping with being “churchy”.

I’m also confused why the cache contains letters both to and from people, i.e. some letters must have been returned to sender (or never sent?).

i am amazed that people think that these letters should be kept as some sort of archive. all the people involved would be horrified that the op and her husband knew, let alone randomers for generations to come. my great aunt burned all her letters from her husband before she died because they were private. if the fil kept them then its pretty poor that years later they have surfaced and could impact mil.

What Dingdongderry said

I've destroyed a load of personal letter for just this reason. I don't want others to read them- nothing bad at all, just private.

My own personal letters, I should say.

When we were clearing out my dh's parents house, we found many personal letters and we burned them without reading them. It just felt wrong to read such personal correspondence.
I think my sil was very pissed that we'd done it though!

If I was your SIL MUM2Jenny I would be livid. What gave you or your husband the right to make that decision unilaterally?

If the letters are sensitive and you hand them back to the person, you've embarrassed them and caused them worry even if you didn't read them.

it's interesting that the Letters were not destroyed by the authors though..

why keep them all these years when they could have simply burned them leaving no trace of their existence ....

I don’t think I could destroy it because it’s personal enough to not seem like anyone’s property but those who wrote them and I’d worry they could ask for them back, even though that’s unlikely. I wouldn’t dream of handing them over though, that would be awkward and you never know how hey could respond. They were put out of the way and not spoken about for a reason so I wouldn’t bring it up. I’d just put it back and forget about it. When they pass away you can get rid of them.

Mum2jenny That’s awful. You shouldn’t have had any say at all really and certainly should have discussed with his sister.

Oh, my word, all that family history up in smoke. Your silo must be furious

I do hope we get an update from the OP and maybe even more details about the letters. Obv none of our business but very interesting thread nonetheless.

If I were the SIL I would have at least looked into taking legal action against you and your H for doing that. It was her property as much as yours.

Also: OP has read the stuff, which she probably shouldn't have done. Now she knows what it is, it would be a hugely intrusive and unethical act to destroy it, because it would be further meddling in something which is none of her business.

Put it back where you found it and keep your trap shut about what you know, OP.

OP may be able to put it back and pretend she's never seen it -

but what about OP's husband? This is his parents! Is he supposed to pretend he's never seen it??

Bit of a headfuck I would've thought.

Strange he has the letters he sent to the OM unless they were returned to sender. Have you googled the OM’s name to make sure he didn’t mysteriously disappear around 15 years ago....round about the time FIL put in a new patio/foundations for an extension?

Put it back, destroy after their deaths. You have no right to destroy their property and imagine the fuss if they come to collect it and you’ve destroyed it! Just leave it be. Why did you read all the letters? You must have twigged after the first one that had mil and fil names that they were private correspondence? Put it back and forget about it.

Do your pils know you are insulating the artic? That in itself might jog their memories that their private letters are still in the attic.

I'd keep them for now in case they ask your dh to look if there is a tin up there. I guess it's up to dh whether to destroy the letters when both his parents pass or to keep them intact as part of his history.

Put it back and Pretend as if you never found it

Get rid of it and deny all knowledge if ever mentioned. They've obviously forgotten its even there or they would surely have asked to go and retrieve it. Get rid of it and forget it.

And they were found in your property, left there by the previous owners who left them there when they moved. There was loads of stuff left in our loft when we moved in. Three years after moving in we cleared the loft and dumped everything.

Once I realized the content I would have stopped reading. You were both being extremely nosey and crossed the line of common decency.

Now do the right thing and destroy the letters and say nothing.

I’d put it back it’s none of your business and the prob put it behind them years ago.