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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To expect exh to provide clothing?

166 replies

ilovemilton · 30/03/2018 08:21

Exh is a twat. Read my old threads. The whole of Mumsnet tends to agree that he is a twat.

Shared care order. He pays £22 a week CM. I provide everything for DC.

Usually contact is from and to school, and I provide school uniforms. That itself drives me mad with the cost and unfairness. However, school holidays he collect and returns home.

Therefore, whatever clothes I send the children in, I provide. So you'd think the children would return in those clothes, no? The children return in clothing and shoes that are ripped, dirty, smelly and about 3 years too small. I can't bear to ever make the DC wear these, and I'm certainly not doing his laundry, so they are either returned or occasionally even thrown out, depending on the state. The order even states that clothing from one contact is to be returned at the next contact, so that's what I am doing. That means that they go from my house next time in clothes I provide, which are then kept again and the cycle continues.

I text him today to say that DC would be in their pjs when he arrives, and to bring fresh clothes for him to dress them in before he takes them. He replied that if I did that, I would be breaking the court order that states the DC are to be ready for contact at 10am, and we would return to court. I did remind him that the court order also says he is to return clothing, which he found hilarious.

I know this sounds petty, but I can't afford to keep providing new clothing and shoes that I never see again. Am I being silly to risk returning to court, or should I try and prove my point somehow, so that he provides things? And how?!

OP posts:
Lacucuracha · 30/03/2018 08:23

YANBU. Can you send the DC in old clothing?

ilovemilton · 30/03/2018 08:28

That was my point this morning. They don't really have any, what they do have was used up in the last two holidays. The cheapest outfit for me to send today, including shoes, would be a £30 loss. He keeps everything, even their socks. I know it sounds silly but I all adds up.

OP posts:
Lacucuracha · 30/03/2018 08:31

What about the clothes he sends them in?

Could you send them in cheap Primark jammies?

em9283 · 30/03/2018 08:34

Let them go in their pjs!

PurpleWithRed · 30/03/2018 08:35

But surely he is breaking the court order by not sending them back in the clothes they go in, so his threat to see you in court can be answered with ‘can’t wait, it will save me a fortune to have the court order enforced, see you there’.

How old are the DCs?

acornsandnuts · 30/03/2018 08:38

This is just awful mind games your poor DC. If he’s going to start playing the court card you need to start taking photos of clothes they leave in and clothes they return in. He is in the wrong the smug twat.

OnTheRise · 30/03/2018 08:38

It doesn't sound silly at all. Clothes are expensive, and you're having to buy more every week.

He's not being fair on you or your children.

He's insisting you follow the guidelines set by the court but refusing to follow them himself.

Is there anywhere you can get some legal advice from? Because this isn't fair and you can't be expected to continue.

If there isn't, I'd give it six or eight weeks and document everything during that period. Take photos of the clothes you send your children in, and take pictures of the clothes they return in (take pictures of them wearing them if they're damaged or too small, to make it clear what the problem is). Meanwhile, find out what steps you have to take to get the court to enforce the order, because he clearly isn't following it.

ilovemilton · 30/03/2018 08:40

He's got legal aid. (That's a WHOLE other thread!!) He took me back once because I threw away a primark t shirt that was aged 4 when DS was 7. So he will.

I've said I will send them in pjs today if he doesn't provide clothing. He threatened court. I'll still have to provide shoes, even they don't get returned.

OP posts:
Marriedwithchildren5 · 30/03/2018 08:41

Surely the courts wouldn't even entertain this. Not all kids want to be up and dressed at 10am!

adriansnewnotebook · 30/03/2018 08:42

What happens to all of the clothes you are sending your children to him in?
Do the DC ever wear them again at their father's house?

Marriedwithchildren5 · 30/03/2018 08:42

X post! I'm floored Shock

ilovemilton · 30/03/2018 08:42

I can't return to court. It starts a massive process that costs me hundreds each time. They've also said that because we go back for enforcement so much, we risk care proceedings as we are proving we can't get on. I've never started any enforcement, he's done it countless times.

OP posts:
Lacucuracha · 30/03/2018 08:43

Send them in plimsoll types!

He has accumulated stuff at his he can dress them in.

Do you have legal aid? Sureky tye court didn't tolerate him taking you to court due to throwing away an old t-shirt?

Lacucuracha · 30/03/2018 08:44

He sounds like he was an abusive twat. How did the court not pick up on this?

ivykaty44 · 30/03/2018 08:46

Send them back in the clothes he has brought them back in - don’t thrown away the clothes or wash them

This used to happen to my dads but they actually got fed up with it as they wanted there nice clothes so eventually they refused to wear home shit clothes

SleepingStandingUp · 30/03/2018 08:47

Ageee, cheap pj' and slippers. Roll on Court

ilovemilton · 30/03/2018 08:47

He's had the court wrapped around his little finger since day one. Abusive twat and they don't believe a word of it. It's all about his rights.

They wear my clothes at his because they won't wear his stuff, then he makes them wear his stuff home and hides all my things.

I'm glad you all don't think I'm being silly. He makes me think that I'm the stupid selfish one!

OP posts:
AuntFidgetWonkhamStrongNajork · 30/03/2018 08:47

Oh this is a tough one, because it's your DC that are going to bear the brunt of this.

I'm tempted to say dress them in £1.80 Primark tshirts, 90p Primark flip flops and the cheapest trousers and hoodies you can possibly find. Take a photo. Take a photo when they come back in knackered non-fitting clothes. Repeat.

Or just crack on and send them back to him in exactly what he gave them back wearing, even if it doesn't fit. Again take photos.

What is he doing with the clothes you send them in? Selling them? Or is it just the joy of knowing you are upset about it. If it's to get one over on you, don't let him see its upsetting you. It's bordering on a child neglect issue so collect the evidence.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 30/03/2018 08:48

If the children are old enough to go to school, are they old enough to pack up their clothes when they are leaving their father's house?
Most 7 year olds can refuse to wear shoes that are too small

ivykaty44 · 30/03/2018 08:48

I would also go to the charity shop and pick up some bargins

ilovemilton · 30/03/2018 08:50

He hides their stuff. He won't let them bring it back. He's very controlling and DC are scared. He loves the control.

I earn over the limit for legal aid. Do the courts think I have enough money to provide clothing and we should feel sorry for him and his part time job.

OP posts:
DelphiniumBlue · 30/03/2018 08:51

Jumble /car boots/ cast offs are the way to go. You will be seen as hugely unreasonable if you send them out in their pyjamas.
How old are the DC?
At some point very soon they will be dealing with their clothes themselves; primary school age children are perfectly able to pack up their own belongings.
He does sound awful, it must affect how the children see him. My mum's partner was a dick about things like this, complaining to the court when things got lost. Eventually his DC cut off contact themselves saying the stress was too much for them, and that they didn't want to be put through another court case.

Coco134 · 30/03/2018 08:56

He sounds like a twat.

I’d dress them this time and take pictures.

BUT whatever they come back in even if it’s to small is dress them in it next time to go back in and just keep doing that. Don’t bin it, just clean it and put it back on them.

And then I’d pick up some cheap bundles from a boot sale to send them in occasionally. Don’t send them in anything you like.

Just keep taking pictures as well. Also send texts asking for your clothes back and mention you have returned his but he hasn’t returned X amount of yours.

Mrsmadevans · 30/03/2018 08:57

You have to send them back in the clothes he sends them home in.....end of. I know it doesn't sit well with you OP but this is the way he gets to you and he knows it. You are the only person who can do this. The children need to realise what he is doing if they don't already, in time they will refuse to go and see him and that will be his just punishment. I am sorry he is being such a twat but you are allowing him to win .

ilovemilton · 30/03/2018 08:58

These holidays have kind of crept up on me, so I would do primark or whatever, and have sent them in older stuff before. But I've realised that to send DS today will cost me £30 and I don't think that's fair.

I wouldn't actually usually send them in pjs, I've given him the choice. Bring some clothes as otherwise they will be.

OP posts:
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