To expect exh to provide clothing?

[ilovemilton]

Exh is a twat. Read my old threads. The whole of Mumsnet tends to agree that he is a twat.

Shared care order. He pays £22 a week CM. I provide everything for DC.

Usually contact is from and to school, and I provide school uniforms. That itself drives me mad with the cost and unfairness. However, school holidays he collect and returns home.

Therefore, whatever clothes I send the children in, I provide. So you'd think the children would return in those clothes, no? The children return in clothing and shoes that are ripped, dirty, smelly and about 3 years too small. I can't bear to ever make the DC wear these, and I'm certainly not doing his laundry, so they are either returned or occasionally even thrown out, depending on the state. The order even states that clothing from one contact is to be returned at the next contact, so that's what I am doing. That means that they go from my house next time in clothes I provide, which are then kept again and the cycle continues.

I text him today to say that DC would be in their pjs when he arrives, and to bring fresh clothes for him to dress them in before he takes them. He replied that if I did that, I would be breaking the court order that states the DC are to be ready for contact at 10am, and we would return to court. I did remind him that the court order also says he is to return clothing, which he found hilarious.

I know this sounds petty, but I can't afford to keep providing new clothing and shoes that I never see again. Am I being silly to risk returning to court, or should I try and prove my point somehow, so that he provides things? And how?!

That's not fair @Walkingdeadfangirl
I'm on legal aid. My ex was abusive. Legal aid obtained through the correct channels at every application protects victims by providing them with clear legal advice.

My ex abused me for 10 years. He's broken 15 court orders, I've been in court over 20 times. I've never once broken it.

I'm 10 years in from leaving and still suffer physiologically so still receive it. I walked with nothing but my children, then they were taken away from me by my ex and police couldn't get them back so I needed legal aid ( he was ringing me with DC screaming for me to come get them and wouldn't let me see them all because I managed to get away ) I have no assets even now as I'm to scared to work because he stalks me. I can't go anywhere alone as he says 'we meet to chat' so gets away with it. I have evidence backed up 10 years of the treatments I have had to try be independent again but I am locked in my own home as it's not looked at. The legal system lets him do this. Legal aid gives me a chance to change orders to protect DCs if I'm believed, they have the evidence but it's not looked at as cafcass recommend contact before a fact finding hearing and then I loose legal aid as it has gone in his favour for overnight shared care, then I'm back to ex stealing stuff and taking the kids for weeks, so he breaks another order and we are back again. Should I just let him get away with ruining my life and frightening DCs? Thankfully criminal law is changing to protect me but I have to put up with it as he is my DCs father, to gain evidence and log everything for the criminal route. If they looked at evidence and not hear say between parents early a lot of court action could be avoided.

I would be very happy to not use the people's purse but he won't stop breaking court orders. Fact is court order breaches needs criminal action. Follow the sanctions on the warnings at the bottom and penalties for breaching but nothing- again 15 breaches! No point in a non mol he would wash his arse with it as it is civil and he will break it. I need a restraining order.

I am a parent that wants to move on. Abusers don't. Don't blame legal aid. Blame narcissists people be it a man or woman.
Oh and when the government stopped legal aid I had a breakdown. I only got it back as I ended up diagnosed with a mental health condition. What sort of government waits for a fully functional tax paying person to literally break down and now I can't even take the dog for a walk without being scared. If they addressed him with the evidence I had at the first court process, the other 14 orders would have been avoided and I would still be paying into the system not taking out the public purse.

justdon’tknow You raise some important points. The courts do seem to accept abuse of both mother and child in favour of contact and yes, there is little to no opportunity to present evidence in the family courts. Even photos of bruising that occurred as a result of my ex hitting me in front of my children were ignored.

I hope you are able to find some peace. If you ever need to talk, please message me. I am a good listener.

That's really lovely!
Thank you !

Ohreally. What a relief to hear someone say that (not good that's it's happened to someone else, but you know what I mean). Everyone says they can't possibly just ignore hard evidence like photos and videos.**

So, he returned from contact at teatime...in the pyjamas he went in!!

Going at 10am in pjs is one thing, but returning at 5pm in them is totally out of order???

But doesn't he have to return the clothes?

@ilovemilton I'm sure he just got them on to come home in, don't sweat it. Def get cheap joggers, T-shirts & plimsolls or similar or return in clothes Ex sent him home in.

Think you've succeeded because you actually have got the pjs back!!!
I know it's shit, I know it must be horrid for DS but clearly he will point score and punish whatever.

Yeah that's true, I actually got stuff back!

I mean, he left mine still in his pjs, as it was morning, but to come back at teatime means he had to get changed back into them to come home, which I think is ridiculous.

But you know the ex is ridiculous!!! Why were you even anticipating a reasonable resolution??

Clearly the pjs are of no value to ex, but also if you object he can turn tables on you which I suspect is what is behind it- to try make you look bad!

I’ve never been in the situation but I’m sure I’d rather the children be upset at a phot but also stopping the abuse from their father. It’s not right. If taking a picture angers him then maybe the courts should look into why? How can anything be worse than him abusing those children?

The courts are a joke.

It is ridiculous but it's better than shitty small clothes.

Mines started being a jack ass again, kids were very upset last night god knows what he's been filling there head with this time.

I like how pp believe the courts could do this, they do this far too often with manipulative abusers getting courts wrapped round their little fingers. I actually have a friend who recently had residency reversed because the father played such a game with both court and their 8 year old daughter. It is insane what the courts will do to the point it is unbelievable to anyone who hasnt ended up in this situation.

I was lucky and my ex admitted 46 allegations in court as well as his criminal conviction for domestic abuse, we got awarded no contact but that was purely because he refused to do a course. If he had done th3 course then despite 47 serious assaults, sexual assaults and child abuse he would have received contact with an end game of unsupervised every other weekend. All because a 6 month course makes them better despite everything they didm

He only admitted 3 of the assaults. However, now all the reports say "no evidence of DV." Somehow it all got lost along the way and I'm hostile to contact.

"Nice to hear its not just me" would be the wrong sentiment but sometimes it all feels so unbelievable that you feel like you're going insane.

I am in a similar situation. My ex upped and left when dd was 12 weeks old. Huge amount of emotional, financial and physical Abuse involved, including him punching me in the chest when I was holding her when she was 9 weeks old.

All denied, I asked him to leave, he called the police five times to log allegations of me being physically abusive. All lies. Absolute goddamn lies. Anyway, ss now on my back. He has failed to turn up for contact this morning after requesting that I dress dd appropriately for the weather (as he clearly can't be arsed/won't spend money on her).

If he turns up for contact (ha!), then he has nothing for her and returns her in a dirty nappy, sick covered clothes etc, despite me providing spare, clean stuff. He's not turned up again this morning.

Why oh why oh why does the system focus so much on the mother and not bloody focus on the root of the problem, the dead beat arse of a father?

Ps for you op. I am outraged on your behalf... plus totally with you on the feel like you are going insane side of things