Husband's inheritance

[samanthajonespr]

My husband's grandma died a few weeks ago and left some money to each of her grandchildren (10k). My in laws are being very controlling about the money and are keeping it in trust rather than letting them all have their share. Husband's been told that he has to put it in ISAs for the sole purpose of saving towards a house deposit otherwise he can't have it. (Those lifetime ISA setups where you declare it's for a house and then you get 25% added by the government)
I'm a SAHM to a 2 year old, he's got a decent job but money's still tight with only 1 income coming in. We have a small amount of debt and could do with moving to a house that doesn't have damp and has a proper garden for our child.
Since all this has happened, my husband has gone weird and cagey if the subject comes up. I suggested that out of the 10k we keep a little bit back and he maybe treats himself, puts some away for our son or we have a nice day out or something. I know that the deposit is very important to have but we have nowhere near enough to put down and we'll only have to save and add to it anyway. When I suggested it he said "I knew you'd do this, I knew you'd try and get me to keep the money", I'm really surprised because he's acting like Gollum and he's cutting me out of it all. My name won't be anywhere near any of it, eg. a joint savings account and I feel like this in just in case I turn into a gold digger and divorce him over half of his inheritance! If I was a gold digger, I really didn't choose my mark very well...
I share everything I get, when my grandma died she didn't have much and it was shared between 5 children and 7 grandchildren so I got a couple of hundred quid. I used it to get us both some new clothes and a nice meal out because she was all about enjoying yourself while you're still here. It hurts because of the principle. I don't want his money, I just to be included. Am I in the wrong here?

it’s amazingly easy to go through money, when my dh died I got a lump some of about £2000 before his pension kicked in, a few treats here and there, spending more on the weekly shop it was soon gone.

Just say to your dh I don’t want anything to do with the money but I’m upset you didn’t run it past me what you wanted to do with the money

Give over with the go to work comments. OP has stated several times that she is studying as well as looking after their young son, and I imagine doing all the 'work' involved in keeping a house running.

OP, I would be quite offended that so much fuss and protection was being made over 10k. However, it is HIS inheritance. I am not sure about the legalities of inheritance where you live, but I have always believed that morally it belongs to only the person inheriting. I would personally let it go, and get on with getting that degree.

Outrageous that some people are saying the op is controlling etc

Is she heck.

I’d want a say in this money too

I’d be totally pissed off if my dh was in cahoots with his parents too!

It would be fine to take £500 to treat yourselves!

I’d be resentful too!

Does he share his wages with you op?

I only earn 29k and have been able to borrow over 130k for a mortgage with a 5% deposit. Sounds like you could probably buy sooner than you think.

10k isn't necessarily enough! Sub 10% deposit mortgages are much harder now to get than they used to be, especially as a sole earner and with debt. And they will need realistically a couple of grand for moving costs and legal fees.

That said OP, as you do both want to buy, worth getting in touch with a broker for an informal chat to see if there's any realistic possibility of a mortgage in these circumstances? I suspect probably not but you're also not a million miles away either.

I haven't read the full thread here, but just to add in DP is probably still grieving and quite stressed about the whole thing.

MIL has no right to dictate the terms of the money if it was specifically mentioned in the will, but DP probably isn't in the right frame of mind to argue this.

From what OP has said they usually have a very equal relationship so I wouldn't read too much into the comment, I'd simply let him put it into the ISA (or across several savings accounts as it exceeds the ISA limit), it will be safe, let the dust settle then discuss it with him when he's feeling better. If he doesn't usually get on with MIL then she won't be so heavily in your life once all this is sorted and things can get back to normal.

I get where you are coming from OP but just give him time and space and you'll be fine.

Good luck with your degree.

I bought two months ago? Actually 5% mortgaged are coming back, if your credit rating is squeaky clean.

Sorry, smanthajonespr, but your dh needs to see that will before you accept any money from your mil, given the way she is handling it. The will must go through probate. The deceased person's estate must be dealt with properly before people start doling out and spending the money!! If your mil is not doing any of it properly, you could all end up in the shit. To protect his own mother, your dh needs to check she's doing things properly. If she had her name put on her mother's account so that it became a joint account, then she may well be able to get away with acting as though all that money is now hers without going through probate, but is that all that is left of her mother's estate? She needs to do things properly, fill all the right forms out and pay any debts and taxes owing!

Has she even told the bank her mother has died?

Difficult issue for you. However it is your husband's inheritance. Please do recognise also that inheritances come with a lot of family emotional baggage. My husband and I have both had family inheritances and it has been up to each of us completely to decide how it is spent. My husbands' came when we were a lot younger, so yes some went on family holidays and on our house - totally his decision. Mine - again on the house, some saved for our retirement, my daughter's wedding and some for a house deposit for them - again my autonomous decision. If I were you I would leave well alone, and as others have said, concentrate on your degree so you will be able to contribute to the family finances in due course.

I think we cross posted there giggidy. There's the debt issue though.

I'd just worry that this cash is never going to come. Just getting it and putting it into a cash isa will be the first stage.
I'd not put it into a Lisa though yet as you don't know yet that you will be able to buy with that amount or would need tons more. You may need to move for a new job when you finish your course, and get another rental. So locking up the money completely rules out other options.
(Though I agree with the general use it for a house deposit but where I live £10k would be no help if that was all you had).
So just get the cash into husbands hands. Else I don't think he will ever see it unfortunately.

I agree that the money should be a deposit, that's not a problem. The problem I have is his parents dictating everything. There's no probate, there's no trust. It's just her.

Make sure about probate. Because that’s important- your DH and his mother could end up in trouble.

Otherwise let your DH put it in his name, and figure out the details later, once MIL has relinquished control of it.

Speak about hurt feelings at another time.

Your in laws sound controlling.
The thing is though, if you divorced, everything would be split in half anyway.

I would chat to him and explain that you’re not good digging but that you’re married couple and the 10k would be better spent on the debt you’ve got and then left over money either goes towards a house deposit or you buy a new car etc.

Your dh sounds very selfish about it.

How much is the debt?
I think the LISA is a great idea and if a 3 bed is £140k near you, and the debt is small then clear the debt and get the house quickly.
I'd be a bit concerned about the ac previously brung potentially joint between MIL and grandma, and now being solely MIL's. If this is the case I would say get the £10k handed over to your husband Asap, before it's all spent on kitchens etc.

I had power of attorney over my late mum's finances, so I could manage her bank account, pay bills etc.

I was joint executor of her estate along with one of my brothers. Her will dictated who got what and this could only be changed by her. The executor (in this case sounds like your MIL) has the responsibility of ensuring the funds go to the correct person. The GM may have stipulated in the will how the money should be used but this is unlikely as your SIL has no stipulation on her inheritance. Sounds like your DH is either being lied to by his DPs or he is not being honest with you.

You stated the GM died recently, it tends to take about 4-6 months before inheritance funds are available because the solicitor has to apply to the court to release the funds.

My advice would be to put the money somewhere safe but reasonably accessible and sit on it for a while before deciding what to do. If GM did not stipulate in her will how the money should be used then your DH has final decision.

OP also mentioned that their house has a damp problem. I can understand her wanting her DS out of a damp house. From Shelter:

Children living in damp, mouldy homes are between one and a half and three times more prone to coughing and wheezing – symptoms of asthma and other respiratory conditions – than children living in dry homes.

We used a lifetime ISA to buy our first home, I couldn't open one as I only work a few hours a week & didn't have the £1000 to open one, my husband couldn't give me the money because our mortgage advisor told us it had to be my own money, you also have to pay £50-£200 in each month which has to be your own, your husband can't pay it in because he's basically got two accounts but using your name to get the extra 25%.

If a 3 bed is £140k surely you are in a position v close to being able to buy a 2 bed?

Is your studying going to lead to a clear career after? If not, and money is so tight you are tempted to dip into this, then maybe studying is an indulgence that needs to wait? I was studying for a masters when I got pregnant, but realised I needed to work once my son was born.

I would really advise going to see a mortgage advisor to talk through your options before wasting money moving into a different rental. I think there is an opinion that you must pay off all debts, live off beans and bread for months, have 50% deposit etc before you buy but that's not really true... have just got a 5% deposit mortgage with some debt from buying a car, small amount of credit card debt on an interest free card and could borrow a decent amount.

The advisor will also tell you about the ISAs as a lot of them have caveats that can make them restrictive.

Agree that studying is really an indulgence unless it is required for a specific career path.

I'm surprised anyone bothers posting on AIBU. 75% of people who respond have not read or understood the OP and post hideous, thoughtless bile.

PaulDacre made excellent posts. I totally understand your position OP. I think it's important to ensure that your H's inheritance is not pilfered by your in laws. Maybe things need to calm down about before the two of you can have a proper discussion. He seems to have been put under quite a bit of pressure by his mum. I think it's also had quite a significant impact on your relationship. You have obviously seen yourselves as a unit who work things out together, but now he is showing a different tendency. You have dealt with some vile comments with real dignity.

Counterpoint not true in Scotland inheritance is not part of marital assists

I have just read this all through and I don’t think there is actually a will in place. Or not ones that stipules £10k to each grandchild anyway. I think MIL has/will inherit it all (by way of being the daughter so it will go to her anyway, or as others have said by it being in the joint account that is now hers) and is just acting out her late mother’s wishes of dishing it out between the grandkids. Therefore I bet legally it’s MIL’s money and so she can dictate all she wants sadly.

OP nobody can help you any further unless you confirm if the account that contains the money was a joint account with your DHs DM.

If it was, this isn't as simple as it sounds.

Regardless of that; you now know your husbands stance on this. He does not want to share it with you; for whatever reason. To fix that, you'd have to find out why, especially given that if he does use it to buy a house, that house would be a marriage asset.

It could be that he doesn't trust you not to fritter it away, as some have said, even if you don't think that's what you're suggesting. It could be that he thinks if you believe he needs a treat because he's unhappy, he's not sure why that has to come out of his inheritance and not his wage or the savings you already have. It could be resentment that you're studying and therefore not contributing financially as much as you could be; and now he's getting extra money you want that too. None of these are necessarily okay; but they could be his reasoning - as could any others. For that, you'll need to talk to him - perhaps not right now, as he's grieving, but this issue is wider than just this inheritance so I'd keep the conversation that way.

Out of interest, you said that you got a very small inheritance previously and spent it on meals and things for you both. Did you choose how to spend it, or was he consulted?

I completely misread the initial post (thanks @Eveforever). I have had a similar situation. It is his inheritance and unless the grandmother stipulated conditions in the will, then the executor should release the money as willed. Obviously his parents have gotten to him and you don't even know what is going on. You as his wife should be able to see the will. If you are just getting by, I see no problem in putting a large chunk of the money into a high interest account towards the ultimate goal of a house that ye will love but I don't see any harm in spending say ba 1000 on things to make ye happy now either if that is what you want. We have to also live in the moment and but be cognizant of the future.

You are married to him, it is his inheritance but it becomes family money. You should have your say. You don't sound grabby to me.

For example if you multiply the inheritance by 30. It is the same issue but it is a lot of money, that some posters seem to say is 'just his'. If he won the lotto in the morning, does that still mean it is just his? If I won the lotto in the morning, the money is mine, his and my kids money. We got married for a reason, to share our lives. If he gets lucky, I get lucky, we are a team.

He is being very disrespectful towards you. Have a frank conversation with him and explain that you are together in everything or not.

YANBU, and it says a lot of what your inlaws think of you and the only person who he should be discussing this with is you.