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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband's inheritance

256 replies

samanthajonespr · 29/03/2018 21:49

My husband's grandma died a few weeks ago and left some money to each of her grandchildren (10k). My in laws are being very controlling about the money and are keeping it in trust rather than letting them all have their share. Husband's been told that he has to put it in ISAs for the sole purpose of saving towards a house deposit otherwise he can't have it. (Those lifetime ISA setups where you declare it's for a house and then you get 25% added by the government)
I'm a SAHM to a 2 year old, he's got a decent job but money's still tight with only 1 income coming in. We have a small amount of debt and could do with moving to a house that doesn't have damp and has a proper garden for our child.
Since all this has happened, my husband has gone weird and cagey if the subject comes up. I suggested that out of the 10k we keep a little bit back and he maybe treats himself, puts some away for our son or we have a nice day out or something. I know that the deposit is very important to have but we have nowhere near enough to put down and we'll only have to save and add to it anyway. When I suggested it he said "I knew you'd do this, I knew you'd try and get me to keep the money", I'm really surprised because he's acting like Gollum and he's cutting me out of it all. My name won't be anywhere near any of it, eg. a joint savings account and I feel like this in just in case I turn into a gold digger and divorce him over half of his inheritance! If I was a gold digger, I really didn't choose my mark very well...
I share everything I get, when my grandma died she didn't have much and it was shared between 5 children and 7 grandchildren so I got a couple of hundred quid. I used it to get us both some new clothes and a nice meal out because she was all about enjoying yourself while you're still here. It hurts because of the principle. I don't want his money, I just to be included. Am I in the wrong here?

OP posts:
mimibunz · 30/03/2018 01:10

Lol, you are a gold digger because you are so concerned about 10K. It’s his money, not yours. That’s the end of it.

eridanus · 30/03/2018 01:45

If she left it to her grandkids, then that is the end of the story. He could invest it for them, or setup a good interest locking in savings account, anything, but it was meant for them. It is very clearcut. I do understand your point of view, but I would let it go and feel happy that your kids have some extra insurance for their future.

Eveforever · 30/03/2018 01:57

eridanus the OP's husband is the grandchild that is inheriting. If I am interpreting the OP correctly, it's more of a relationship issue rather than a financial one. Her husband is trying to exclude her from being part of a significant household decision, but because it's money people seem to think that the OP is trying to be 'grabby'.

CommanderDaisy · 30/03/2018 02:53

OP - you say you want your DH to be happy.
He sounds like he is happy with what he and his parents decided.
He sounds unhappy when you are protesting that there might be alternate things to do with the money that you are suggesting. The plan to ISA it - is sensible, and shows forward thinking.

I get that you would have liked to join in on the decision making but he has already take one of your suggestions about the tax year deposits of the cash. In essence he is ultimately sharing anyway as I imagine you will be living in the house you eventually buy so I don't really see your problem.
Putting some away for your son ie a smaller amount won't attract the same level of interest and you reduce the contribution the govermennt would be.
Your issue seems to boil down to the fact that he's not keeping any to treat himself or your family. Let it go.

AJPTaylor · 30/03/2018 06:45

if he puts it in an ISA its in his name and he can then do what he wants with it. it sounds to me he wants to keep it intact and use it as the start of a deposit. sounds sensible albeit he is hiding behind his parents.

InfiniteSheldon · 30/03/2018 07:01

I would like to help him decide, I really think it's his choice to make. Not theirs. Yes chosen what he wants to do but is covering up saying his mum's making him as he can't deal with your reaction. He's a grown man he gets to make a sensible long term choice.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 30/03/2018 07:03

IT may be the sensible thing to do, but the fact that the ils are refusing to hand it over unless he does as he's told would irk me.

snewsname · 30/03/2018 07:13

Just support him to put it the lisa. If the parents won't actuary release the money for him to do that, then it rings alarm bells as to whether they've spent it.
The philosophy of it being used it a a house deposit is fine, and he's obviously on board with that suggestion, it's the lies and deceit saying it's in a trust, when it most probably isn't. It will be interesting to know whether it's a joint account with mil or whether there is subterfuge going on.

Oysterbabe · 30/03/2018 07:13

All this fuss over 10k? I'd just stay out of it and let him do what he wants.

AjasLipstick · 30/03/2018 07:21

oyster maybe 10k is nothing to you but to the OP it represents a nice day out or something.

Some people have NO spare money.

Bluntness100 · 30/03/2018 07:21

There is a huge amount of "he said she said, he's doing she's doing, I want" in here. Op all you can do is accept:

The decision on what to do with the money is one your husband is happy with. It's what he wants.
The decision that's been made is a very good one and will benefit your family ultimately.
He does not wish to spend the money on other things, be the play station games, meals out or a new rental.
You wishing to be part of that decision involves you wishing to spend the money on those other things, he does not wish to do that. He is happy with the investment decision made.

And leave it there. Everything else is just noise and irrelevant, especially as you aren't really sure of the facts.

TalkFastThinkSlow · 30/03/2018 07:26

You've said twice that you want him to make the decision himself.

It sounds like he has, or that he's happy with what his parents have decided.

I think you need to let it go. His plan to put the money aside for a deposit one day is actually quite sensible. If money is really that tight, get a part time job at the weekends, or ensure you are claiming everything you can.

Not exactly an inheritance, but my partner received 20k from his parents for a house deposit. Unfortunately, we couldn't but as my credit rating sucks and then he lost his job. In the space of a year and a half, he managed to enjoy it all. It's been months, and I'm still really angry with him for wasting it.

So I'm 100% on your husband's side.

WonderLime · 30/03/2018 07:40

I just wanted to sidetrack this post slightly as I'd just had a thought.

With the Help to Buy ISAs, each person on the mortgage can have one and share their combined asset. Thinking about it, it would actually be financially better for you to have an ISA each - that way you'll be able to build up a larger combined sum in a short period of time.

Speak to your DH about that - if he is willing to look into in and consider the idea then he is doing the best for th family. If not, then I would start wondering why he doesn't want to allow you to be part of the decision making.

Lacucuracha · 30/03/2018 07:43

OP, it's also clear from their behaviour that you need your own savings that only you can access.

Don't be so quick to share any windfalls with DH in future. And don't prioritise him so that you go without.

Please build up a fund for yourself, you never when you may need it.

Funny how he was happy to spend your inheritance.

Tiredmum100 · 30/03/2018 07:43

It's a difficult one. My dh recently inherited 10 k. I was completely left out of any decisions. I like you had always shared any money I had and spent it on the house or a holiday for us both and our dc. It's taught me we see things differently and how I wasn't important in the end. Maybe he should put the money into the isa to start so he's at least got access to it!

givemesteel · 30/03/2018 07:49

Inheritances always bring out a big difference in opinion.

Some people here obviously think that if you're married an inheritance to one spouse is joint money. Legally it probably is.

Others think that the money was left to that spouse do is theirs to decide what to do with it.

I fall in the latter camp. I'm also a sahm, I believe that our money is joint money. However, if myself or dh inherit then I do believe that this money is different and we should both choose what to do with it. I also don't think either of us would go after each others family money in the case of a divorce.

I think so long as he is doing something sensible with it then it is his decision. I think you've lost the argument by suggesting he spends some of it on 'treats' (which you've now backtracked on and said you were talking about a computer game or a dinner - presumably you don't need an inheritance to do those things....?).

I think it is worth pointing out that if you spent the £10k towards a bigger house for you now it is very likley that £10k would be worth more to your child in 20 years than if you put it in an Isa because of house price inflation vs savings. But you'd have to be able to release the equity out of the house for your ds when he turns 21 etc, which is doable.

Lacucuracha · 30/03/2018 07:56

givemesteel

Your two statements below are contradictory:

if myself or dh inherit then I do believe that this money is different and we should both choose what to do with it.

But your advice to OP is:

I think so long as he is doing something sensible with it then it is his decision

Why do you get a say in your DH's inheritance but it's solely OP's DH's decision what he does with his?

MrsJoshDun · 30/03/2018 07:58

Sorry but I think you’re in the wrong.

You contradict yourself by saying you want him to decide and then say you want to help him decide. Sounds to me like he has decided and you don’t like his decision and are trying to get him to change his mind.

He sounds like he’s been really sensible. You’re wanting to “treat” the family to days out, treat himself, some for your son, etc. With an attitude like that you can soon burn through a good proportion of it. This is a golden opportunity for a good chunk of a house deposit, how much would you need for a deposit in your area? Work it out and get saving to make the rest up.

giggidy1 · 30/03/2018 08:01

Where do you live and how much do you earn? You could probably almost afford a deposit now with 10k to be honest. But unfortunately if you do really want to buy a house there isn't a lot of money spare for treats whilst it's happening!

Also you say you're a SAHM then later you mention nursery fees. Why don't you go to work if money is so tight?

I think your husband sounds sensible tbh.

talulahbelle · 30/03/2018 08:01

I’ve inherited twice. Both times it’s been entirely my decision what to do, but I did run it past DH. We went on an amazing holiday, I paid down our mortgage, put some into my savings, spent a little on myself(on a kitchen aid). I’d have been very Hmm if DH had demanded a chunk to spend on himself.

MrsJoshDun · 30/03/2018 08:02

Oh and I was told by a divorce solicitor that if I divorced dh his inheritance would not necessarily be split 50/50 with me. That a judge would look at how recently he inherited it, whether it had been treated as joint money, etc. This is in England but about 12 years ago so not sure if advice is still current but I was told to expect next to nothing of about 100k as he’d inherited it quite recently.

GnotherGnu · 30/03/2018 08:02

If the money was left to the grandchildren outright, then your PiLs aren't entitled to withhold it or put conditions on paying it out. In theory, any of the children could sue them for their share. However, if your husband wants to go along with them, that's his business.

Original poster
samanthajonespr · 30/03/2018 08:02

@WonderLime he says his parents don't want my name on any of it and he doesn't want "to put anyone in a position" so although your suggestion is a good and helpful one, he's not on board

OP posts:
Original poster
samanthajonespr · 30/03/2018 08:05

@giggidy1 like I said upthread, I can't do my degree, take care of my son when he's not at nursery (he goes 3 mornings a week to give me a break) and work at the same time.

OP posts:
Lacucuracha · 30/03/2018 08:06

You’re wanting to “treat” the family to days out, treat himself, some for your son, etc. With an attitude like that you can soon burn through a good proportion of it.

Not sure that's fair, given OP says they have a savings cushion and that most of their money after rent and nursery bills is saved.

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