Husband's inheritance

[samanthajonespr]

My husband's grandma died a few weeks ago and left some money to each of her grandchildren (10k). My in laws are being very controlling about the money and are keeping it in trust rather than letting them all have their share. Husband's been told that he has to put it in ISAs for the sole purpose of saving towards a house deposit otherwise he can't have it. (Those lifetime ISA setups where you declare it's for a house and then you get 25% added by the government)
I'm a SAHM to a 2 year old, he's got a decent job but money's still tight with only 1 income coming in. We have a small amount of debt and could do with moving to a house that doesn't have damp and has a proper garden for our child.
Since all this has happened, my husband has gone weird and cagey if the subject comes up. I suggested that out of the 10k we keep a little bit back and he maybe treats himself, puts some away for our son or we have a nice day out or something. I know that the deposit is very important to have but we have nowhere near enough to put down and we'll only have to save and add to it anyway. When I suggested it he said "I knew you'd do this, I knew you'd try and get me to keep the money", I'm really surprised because he's acting like Gollum and he's cutting me out of it all. My name won't be anywhere near any of it, eg. a joint savings account and I feel like this in just in case I turn into a gold digger and divorce him over half of his inheritance! If I was a gold digger, I really didn't choose my mark very well...
I share everything I get, when my grandma died she didn't have much and it was shared between 5 children and 7 grandchildren so I got a couple of hundred quid. I used it to get us both some new clothes and a nice meal out because she was all about enjoying yourself while you're still here. It hurts because of the principle. I don't want his money, I just to be included. Am I in the wrong here?

There are a few separate issues here:

1. MILs behaviour. This is wrong and dubious even if you think she's right about the best approach to take with the money.

1. DH attitude. He seems to be okaying his mother acting in a manner that's at best controlling and at worst illegal. Even if he agrees with her about what to do with the money, there's still the question of his failure to challenge MILs actions and attitude.

1. The best use of the money. TBH I tend to agree with him that it would be better saved, in the situation you're in. Maybe a little treat each at most. I understand your reasons for spending the small amount from your gran as you did, but equally I'm left wondering how much of a dent you could have made in your debt with that.

1. Your feelings generally about DH's attitude to money, and you feeling excluded. I understand that. The legal stuff in this thread has been a trainwreck, speaking as a solicitor, but the idea that in marriage, a large lump sum like this needs discussing is a pretty mainstream one.

These issues are all being conflated, but it's possible to agree with DH and MIL about the optimum destination for the funds (I do) whilst also having a big problem with the process and attitudes.

Fwiw in this setup I'd be wanting to get back to work, if you feel you're not being treated as your husband's equal. Glad you're studying. I also think your DH should ask to see the will if he's not already, since nothing about MILs behaviour screams trustworthy.

@talulahbelle

I’d have been very hmm if DH had demanded a chunk to spend on himself.

But OP hasn't demanded a chunk for herself.

He doesn't want your name on it because it appears you want to fritter it away. The decision to invest it for a house deposit is a good one. How would it benefit your son to have some cash when he could inherit a house instead?

@Cirrys my name would only be on it if we opened 2 ISAs (one each) in order to maximise interest. We then couldn't touch it because a) it incurs a penalty to withdraw and b) it wouldn't be mine to withdraw. I'm not asking for any of it to 'fritter' away as I've said several times

It sounds as though your real issue is that you don't get on with your MIL or are a bit jealous of DH's close relationship with his DM and her influence over him.

They don’t want your name in any of it?

I’d be furious! Money brings out the worst in some people ffs it’s only 10k

What is your husbands annual salary?

This would help knowing if you can afford a mortgage or not

Keep on with your degree Lady! Soon you’ll be earning more than him!

he says his parents don't want my name on any of it and he doesn't want "to put anyone in a position"

So it's not about saving the money for a house. If it were, he would like Wonderlime's idea as it gives you a larger combined sum.

He is hiding behind his parents. Could he put the money in an ISA in his name, and then do what Wonderlime suggests without telling his parents?

@Vathek we get on fine actually, their relationship isn't close. He doesn't like her because she's been awful to him in the past and is very negative and unsupportive

I'm not asking for any of it to 'fritter' away as I've said several times...

Your OP said you wanted to spend some of it on treats and days out. That's pretty much the definition of frittering.

@QuiteLikely5 he makes £32,500 which is really good for where we're from. 3 bed houses range from £140,000 upwards really.

@QuiteLikely5 and yep, I'm furious

I don't get involve in my husbands family finance business. I know DH mum gave him some money for a trip with his sister, her daughter and us ; he told me she has offered to give them some money towards the trip . He never said how much; I never asked; I found out it was a good amount and we only spent a small amount of that. I have never said anything. It is between he and his family/mum and I prefer not to get involved on that. Other money issues which only concerns us I do get involve though.

I will leave it to him and his family

i think your DH is probably a bit embarrassed about his mum's controlling the money and possibly hurt about too and doesn't want to talk about it. he might have decided he'd rather not have the money and keep relations civil with his mum. It might not be fair or right but imagine saying to your wife 'yes my mum is doing us out of money gran left us - lets get lawyers and destroy the bit of family I do have left' - that's a big thing to process.

inheritance brings out the absolute worst in people and families really fall out over it.

@Cirrys I made suggestions that might make him happy. I'm not trying to spend it for him. I'm not seeing it as 50% mine or anything like that. It seems like what makes him happy is locking away while making sure my name is nowhere near it.

His inheritance to do as he pleases as the money was from his family not yours.

You sound very controlling, if he wants to save it for a house deposit then he's being very sensible to do so.

If you want your own pot of money then you could always work rather than rely on him to give you your wants. It's not wonder he wants to put the money aside.

@YellowMakesMeSmile I don't think I've come across as controlling, I'm really not. If you'd read the thread you'd see that I'm NOT trying to tell him what to do.

I doubt it's been put in a trust - that would cost money to set up and administer. I think the mother is being insanely controlling, if not getting the help of a solicitor is almost certainly not acting in accordance with the law, and may not even have £10,000 to hand over, anyway. A will saying each grandchild should get £10,000 and there being that much are two different things. Has the will even gone through probate? Why is she treating the money as though it is hers??...

smanathajonespr - I think you are right to be unhappy with the situation. I think your mil may be out of her depth as an executor, but to do anything about it would clearly cause a lot of family discord and probably cost money in legal fees, too! Is it worth a serious family rift?! To know your position, you would at the very least need sight of the actual will and whether it has successfully gone through probate, then you would need to trust your mil to work out how much money is left in the estate after all taxes and costs have been paid, and to distribute it in accordance with the wishes expressed within the will. It sounds more to me like she is taking advantage of the joint account to spend the money on her kitchen and dole out what she wants and when, attaching her own rules to whatever she does pass on. Not going against her mother's wishes entirely, just interpreting them in a way that suits her own agenda, as though the money is all hers, really and she is being nice to sort of go along with her mother's will.

Oh and @YellowMakesMeSmile for the third time now, I. Am. Studying.

When my second parent died, I inherited their estate and decided to pass half of it over to my children via a deed of variation. However, I sat down and wrote a letter to each, which we later discussed, saying this was granddad and grandmas money that they had spent their life accruing, and both they (and I) would be disappointed if it was frittered away on holidays or a car, for instance. I knew they would understand and agree without question, but I felt it was important to formalise it in this way.

This was a discussion between me and my children, not their partners, and I would have been most upset if a DIL or SIL had interfered.

In your circumstances, £10k could make a huge difference to your future. My guess is that your DH agrees with his parents and is using his mum as an excuse.

My advice is to let it drop and be grateful that his grandma was so thoughtful. She could easily have give it all to her children (inc his mum) instead and you would have nothing.

So if you are not trying to tell him what to do why post? Why not let him get on with what he's decided?

Most adults study and work when they have a family to support, it's easily done.

I haven't read the full thread, so I apologise if I'm repeating things.

Are you in England or Wales?

As far as I can make out it was Grandma who said the grandchildren would inherit a sum of money. Husband hasn't seen the will, so we don't know if the gifts were specifically included in the will?

His mother seems to have seen it and she has POA?

Has Probate been granted? If so, and monies are not being distributed according to the terms of the will then you can take action against the executors.

It is imperative your husband sees the will though and establishes the exact terms on which the money was left to him.

This link may help:

www.saga.co.uk/magazine/money/personal-finance/inheritance/can-you-remove-an-executor

Apologies if this has been raised before.

Most adults study and work when they have a family to support, it's easily done.

FFS, most adults do not work, study for a degree and take care of a two year old at the same time! Are you deluded?!

Great Post Paul Dacre

10K is more than enough to put a deposit down on a house!
Buy straight away!

@YellowMakesMeSmile if it was easily done, we'd be doing just that. I'm doing a full time degree, looking after my son, taking care of our house etc. Plus nursery is over £50 a day, I'd need to find a job that started at 9 and finished at 3. I can't get a job on top of that, money isn't everything. I wouldn't have anything left to give to my family. We manage fine. Please stop cherry picking things I say and taking them out of context. I really don't think that's fair, look at the whole picture. It's not about the money, it's about my husband not acting as if I'm a part of our marriage. I agree that the money should be a deposit, that's not a problem. The problem I have is his parents dictating everything. There's no probate, there's no trust. It's just her.