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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband's inheritance

256 replies

samanthajonespr · 29/03/2018 21:49

My husband's grandma died a few weeks ago and left some money to each of her grandchildren (10k). My in laws are being very controlling about the money and are keeping it in trust rather than letting them all have their share. Husband's been told that he has to put it in ISAs for the sole purpose of saving towards a house deposit otherwise he can't have it. (Those lifetime ISA setups where you declare it's for a house and then you get 25% added by the government)
I'm a SAHM to a 2 year old, he's got a decent job but money's still tight with only 1 income coming in. We have a small amount of debt and could do with moving to a house that doesn't have damp and has a proper garden for our child.
Since all this has happened, my husband has gone weird and cagey if the subject comes up. I suggested that out of the 10k we keep a little bit back and he maybe treats himself, puts some away for our son or we have a nice day out or something. I know that the deposit is very important to have but we have nowhere near enough to put down and we'll only have to save and add to it anyway. When I suggested it he said "I knew you'd do this, I knew you'd try and get me to keep the money", I'm really surprised because he's acting like Gollum and he's cutting me out of it all. My name won't be anywhere near any of it, eg. a joint savings account and I feel like this in just in case I turn into a gold digger and divorce him over half of his inheritance! If I was a gold digger, I really didn't choose my mark very well...
I share everything I get, when my grandma died she didn't have much and it was shared between 5 children and 7 grandchildren so I got a couple of hundred quid. I used it to get us both some new clothes and a nice meal out because she was all about enjoying yourself while you're still here. It hurts because of the principle. I don't want his money, I just to be included. Am I in the wrong here?

OP posts:

myusernamewastakenbyme · 29/03/2018 22:30

Lol at the first poster to comment telling Op to divorce her husband....over reaction much !!!

Aprilmightmemynewname · 29/03/2018 22:32

They've already spent some of your dh's money. They are stalling him getting it....

BakedBeans47 · 29/03/2018 22:34

This all sounds really odd. Is this going through probate or is the Mum divvying it all up herself with her “attorney” hat on?

It’s not up to his parents to decide what happens to legacies made under the will. Even if they are executors, they have to give effect to the will, they can’t go making up rules about putting legacies in trust

Bluntness100 · 29/03/2018 22:35

I'm not sure they have spent his money and the kitchen could be on the never never as they know the money is coming through and can pay it off when it does.

My take would be the husband has discussed with his parents that he wants to protect the money and keep it in his name, and invest it, which is sensible, and he's then just told the op he doesn't have a choice and blamed his parents.

Bluelady · 29/03/2018 22:35

You really don't know that. Presumably the PiLs have also been left money.

EasterBunBun · 29/03/2018 22:35

It doesn't sound as if it is being held in trust in the legal sense of the word i.e. a properly constructed Trust deed with trustees, more that the parents/ mother is an executor and is making conditions before releasing the money due to some of the beneficiaries ( the grandchildren). There may be valid reasons for that if any of them are still minors or physically/mentally unable to run their affairs, but, unless specified by the grandmothers will, they cannot impose new conditions on what adult and competent beneficiaries do with the money. They have to distribute the estate in accordance with the will.

deste · 29/03/2018 22:36

I read this as her DH being one of the grandchildren, surely his children would be great grandchildren.

Bluelady · 29/03/2018 22:36

That was to April.

Boooom · 29/03/2018 22:36

I would expect my Dh to spend any of his inheritance as he see as fit. We share all money we earn but inheritance is different. As he is decent he wouldn't fritter it away and would spnd it on stuff for the family.
I think yaby and I think his parents have a point (though not legally)

SavoyCabbage · 29/03/2018 22:37

I think he just doesn’t want to keep some for a treat for himself or a day out as you have suggested, he wants to spend it on a house deposit. Which is fair enough.

If your child needed new shoes or the car needed to get through the MOT then that would be different.

NeverTwerkNaked · 29/03/2018 22:37

If you would like to buy a house one day you would be very silly to fritter away a chunk of this inheritance on treats. Far more sensible to lock it into the ISA. we managed to save for a deposit just by locking away all windfalls ( bonuses from work etc) straight away. I get the temptation to fritter but it would be much harder to save the money up again.

Original poster

samanthajonespr · 29/03/2018 22:38

@BugsyMcGee you seem to get what I mean. I didn't think I was being awful for wanting my husband to make the decision for himself. If it was reversed, I'd have no qualms about sharing it. I just want to be included and not be made to feel like his 'kept woman' who has no say.

We are obviously going to put it towards a house, we will not be getting that amount of money any time soon. I'm very grateful to his grandma for being so generous. It means us and our son will get to build a home of our own. I'm really not trying to get him to spunk his money, I literally meant he buys himself a new PS4 game or we take our son out for tea.

OP posts:

BoomBoomsCousin · 29/03/2018 22:38

OP if, as you say, your DH’s grandmother left money to be split amoungst the grandchildren and did not say it is to go into a trust with your PiL as gatekeepers, then Your MiL can’t legally insist it goes in a trust or gets used in a particular way. Having a power of attorney or executor of the will only gives them the power to put the grandmother’s expressed wished into effect, they can’t add their own stipulations. It sounds to me as though he may have decided, but know you won’t be happy so is using his parents as the excuse. If you really believe it’s up to him then I think you should but out - it’s not as though he’s spending it all on himself. But I think inheritances are family money like any other windfall or income and I would expect to discuss it and be a joint part of deciscion making. Nevertheless, I would be really annoyed with my spouse if they were pressuring to use such a lump sum for “treats”, even a little bit, if we had the sorts of pressing capital needs you have mentioned.

ExFury · 29/03/2018 22:38

yes, I think she was added on to it after she had a stroke and couldn't take care of everything anymore

If it was a joint account, rather than an account that your MIL was an appointee for then it may have automatically become your MIL's money when the grandmother died.

This happened when DH's granny died. It was Granny's money in MIL's eyes and MIL followed her wishes, but technically she didn't have too because any money in the account legally belonged to them both, and solely became MIL's when granny died.

I imagine if mil had been the controlling type that would have given her lots of freedom to try and control things...

Honeybooboo123 · 29/03/2018 22:39

It sounds like this is a lot of money for your family and would be hard to save up again. Save it. Don't be tempted to dip in as it's hard to stop. I've been there!

FlashTheSloth · 29/03/2018 22:40

My DH had a similar inheritence, we were in the process of saving for a deposit so it went towards that, I kind of presented that idea as a done deal as I was the one doing all the saving and he didn't disagree. I then received a much larger inheritence and the lot went on our house deposit, plus some of the savings I already made then some left over paid for doing up our new house. Whilst I didn't exactly ask my DH's opinion, my only consideration was using it for something for us. I did buy a nice ring so I had something to keep, but I think it is unfair for your DH to basically say this is between him and his parents. But I think frittering some away as you are suggesting is a bad idea and saving for a house deposit is a better idea. His parents need to be well away from it though.

steff13 · 29/03/2018 22:40

"His" inheritance is 50% yours.

Is that the law? Here, an inheritance is not marital property as long as it's kept separate from marital assets.

ForeverBubblegum · 29/03/2018 22:40

To be honest I agree with your DH, lifetime ISA seems like a good idea. And just because the idea came from his parents and not you that doesn't make it any less logical. You've said that you need to move and 10k is a massive start on a deposit. If you can get a help to buy mortgage with 5% deposit then you could be looking at £250,000 houses after factoring in 25% boost to deposit (subject to affordability, but income is likely to be limiting factor not deposit).

Not the point of the thread but if he dose want to use the ISA he could really do with getting a move on as there's a limit on what you can add per tax year (£4000 I think) so he could deposit now and again after 6th April, to get most of it in quite soon. But if he misses the cut off he will have to wait another year.

Gardai · 29/03/2018 22:41

It’s neither here nor there if it’s inheritance, pay rise or whatever.
If your OH decides to spend his/her money the way they see fit then it’s their own business.
The issue is as a couple, if he believes that his way of spending the money is correct, then you have choices.

I love the fact that a few people on mn think we are immoral.
Money is money. To make life easier now is better than a theoretical future. But that’s my opinion OP. My family are up their arses in all kinds of savings and yet are they happy ? Na.

Original poster

samanthajonespr · 29/03/2018 22:41

@EasterBunBun

@BoomBoomsCousin this is exactly what I'm cross at. All the beneficiaries are adults, married and have good jobs. They are imposing their own rules and forcing them to do certain things with they money. There's no trust fund, it's all in their bank. There's been no mention of solicitors.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 29/03/2018 22:42

I suspect he has made the decision for himself op. Albeit after discussing with his parents. Why he did not include you in that discussion we can't guess but his comment of he knew you'd want to keep it back may indicate why.

I don't understand it though because you're the careful one. But I would be of the opinion he has ultimately made this decision. Not his parents, and If he hasn't then there is some really dodgy and illegal shit going on.

Quite often the most obvious answer is the truth.💐

yumyumpoppycat · 29/03/2018 22:43

what did your husband mean when he said I knew you'd try and get me to keep the money

Sounds like he doesn't want to take the money from his parents or to seem grabby.

I don't think yabu to want to discuss how to go about putting it towards a new house, but I probably would let it rest for a while .. hopefully your inlaws wont do a loft extension in the meantime! sorry, it is a difficult situation and I am sorry your dh isn't being more straight with you.

NeverTwerkNaked · 29/03/2018 22:43

Maybe that’s because they are disappointed with the financial decisions made so far, and/ or acutely aware what a rare chance this is to get a substantial slice towards a house

counterpoint · 29/03/2018 22:46

*"His" inheritance is 50% yours.

Is that the law? Here, an inheritance is not marital property as long as it's kept separate from marital assets.*

Anything that comes into the marriage is owned equally. That means a windfall or an inheritance. That's what being married means.

yumyumpoppycat · 29/03/2018 22:47

Ah, it's in their bank? So they earn the interest and then presumably your dh gets it when in a position to pay a deposit on a house? That is dodgy if that's true.

The other thing is banks take into account debt when working out what you can borrow for a mortgage, so as far as I know you should pay off the debt anyway and then start saving, rather than save and continue paying interest on the debt? I am not that financially savvy so this could be wrong.

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