Aibu? To be embarrassed by my modest home...

[btfly2]

I admit that. I'm embarrassed about where I live and I'm too embarrassed to invite people around.
Small and very affluent village, mostly middle class families at the local school.
Fear of my kids's friends parents and now I've become reclusive and I feel sad for my children integrate well.
Sorry but cannot help to feel this way and I don't know how to overcome this sad situation. Have you ever been in a similar situation..?

What does money or a big house signify to you? What does your smaller home 'mean'?

Dont be so hard on yourself! It you take care of your home you should be proud of it. A bigger house means more cleaning and more stuff. Be happy your in a safe place. You can be just as unhappy in a big house as a small one.

Hey btfly!
You’re looking at this ALL wrong!
It doesn’t matter how expensive your home is or what you paid for this or that!
If you can welcome nice people into your home, whether it be a mansion or a shed, the point is the welcome.
A big smile, a cuppa or a glass of vino (or 2)
Be proud of your home and yourself!

How exactly does your house differ from theirs?

Small houses are simplier. It's how you package this to yourself. They can be cute. Maybe you feel it's shabby, make it look it's best. Windows sparkling, plants can be taken from cuttings for free. Look out for deals on paint and slowly as you can afford freshen it with simple uniform colours to make it seem bigger. Sometimes we are down, sometimes we are up. You can be in a palace and a golden cage. Make the best of your tiny place, love it.

Smaller house means awesome holidays ;)

My parents bought a big house and holidaying was a struggle throughout childhood.

My best friend's parents bought a modest house but they have the freedom to holiday twice a year and go on at least 5 city breaks as well a year.

This isn't a reason to isolate yourself - as long as it's clean and welcoming, it really doesn't matter and no one nice would mind at at all. If anyone does look down on you for it, well that weeds them out.

I've moved from a desirable house in a posh area to a small more urban flat following separation. I've very obviously "come down in the world" if you choose to see it like that but friends have been lovely and excited to see it. If you are feeling reclusive and embarrassed that will make it harder for you, but I honestly don't think your home itself should be a problem. Be brave, do a spring clean and invite someone round who you find the least intimidating?

What does modest mean? Is it just small or in a state of disrepair?

Is there anything you can focus on as an improvement project, maybe the garden? We had a scorched square of lawn when we moved in, but we put in some raised flowerbeds, some nice seating, and a compact play area for the kids, and it became a really nice place to sit outside with friends.

I don’t think it’s helpful for people to say small home equals more holidays. Sometimes it just means small home, and no extra money either, end of story!

But I agree that it’s not the size of your home that should ever be the focus. Almost any home can be clean, tidy, nicely decorated, and filled with warmth if you make it so. Try focusing on getting those aspects right rather than comparing upwards. I’m sure people have suggestions if you need any.

I live in a mc village. House prices are higher than the surrounding area, I didn’t realise when we bought as we came from out of area. I live in one of the larger houses but by far not the largest. Honestly, I don’t make friends with people because of the size of their house. In fact some of the women, who live in above average houses are quite up themselves, think they’re better than the rest. These are social climbers. I stay well clear of them. Must better to be happy with who you are. A genuine person will not care if you live in a 2 up 2 down or a £3 million house. Go and talk to people, smile and be yourself. Anyone, who rejects you for the size of their home is not happy in their skin.

Sensible comments here. I often think of my grandmother, who had a ‘modest’ home, which wasn’t kept in a perfect state. People loved visiting her, & she was a great host - visitors (often unexpected ones) were welcome to share whatever she had (eg food) & she didn’t apologise for what she didn’t have. I’m sure this was part of why people liked going & felt welcome. It was all so relaxed. How we make people feel in our home is key I think. Be brave, OP, & invite people in.

I can see why you may feel a bit embarrassed if there’s a large difference in your house/finances etc or if their houses may be a bit of a show home, but honestly everyone’s situation can change. You could move into new place in the future, they could move somewhere smaller etc. I wouldn’t assume that they’ll be judging you harshly - honestly.

If you get negative vibes from someone by all means avoid inviting them over, but don’t allow your house anxiety to stop you making genuine friendships whilst you hide away.

I remember my best friend’s house when we were kids - it was very average. Her bedroom was blue with ripped wallpaper, brown carpet and a bunk bed. That didn’t stop us having sleepovers and making memories. By the time we were like 15/16 her parents had renovated their entire house to being v modern and stunning. Again, everyone’s financial situation can change and your real friends won’t care.

You can still have a stunning small house with the right decor. Just keep it tidy and well kept so no one can really say anything negative aside from ‘it’s small’. You can get cheap but trendy/decent furniture and decor from the likes of Ikea, next home, H&M home etc.

Hmm.... You have a front door? You have a kettle? Is your house clean? If you tick all 3 of them boxes I wouldn't judge. To feel welcomed into someone's home is far more important than having posh things.

Honestly.

I have had friend who have absolutely gorgeous homes and also a friend who bought her house as a fixer upper, they got more than the house was worth in loan at the time, the deal was they could renovate the house, they never did. She went back to SA for a holiday with what was left. Their home is the most welcoming I've ever been to. It's the people. The photos on the wall in heir living room, their hospitality, their joy of having us over.... It trumped going to people's homes which were lovely, but pretentious!

I’ve lived in rat infested places and in 8 bedroom mansions in Surrey and a lot in between, it’s all about confidence. Be confident in yourself and give your kids the same confidence. It’s a tough world to navigate if you grow up feeling inadequate. Think about it.
The people that were going to snub you because of your house, they will snub you with a bigger house for whatever reason. Screw those people. That would a lesson for your kids too; “don’t waste your energy on things and people that don’t matter”. Start with a couple of play dates and take it from there.

When I was growing up a girl lived up the road in a huge house. Two of the same size house had been knocked down and a whole cul de sac of modern match boxes were built. Her garden ran the the whole length of the back of the cul de sac and we lived in the last one that over looked the bottom of her garden. We were about 9 when we met. Her Dad had lit a huge bonfire and it was so bad the smoke filled i our house and my parents thought we were on fire. On complaining, her Dad shouted we had lowered the value of his house with our eyesore toy house. We didn't deserve to live in a nice area and it wouldn't have happened in the good old days. He was horrible. Later, she appeared over the fence and said 'sorry about my Dad'. It was late seventies, when kids still played out so I asked if she wanted to come over. She was always at ours, had many a sleepover in my tiny box room. Basically, her house was freezing. Her parents couldn't afford to heat or furnish the place. The house size was a priority over everything food, clothes, celebrations and they never had a holiday or day trips out. It was all top show and it wasn't even a loved family pile. They wanted a huge house.

We lost touch as we grew older but years later we met by chance and she told me that her time spent in our tiny toy matchbox house had been a life saver. She had been so unhappy, cold and miserable and she vowed that would never live anywhere that she couldn't make cosy.

When I was at school, the coolest girl in the whole year lived in a flat on a dodgy council estate and shared a room with her sister, she also lived next door to her older cousin who had a Saturday job in Chelsea Girl. I swooned they were so cool.

I think you're being ridiculous. No one cares. You need to get the chip off your shoulder.

Please dont worry. I know an amazing kind woman who lives in a hugely grand 10 bed lroom house and another amazingly kind lady who sqeezes with her dh and dd into a one bed flat. I feel equally at home in both because of the people who welcome me, the cup of tea, the smile and hug and the welcoming warmth.

You are what makes your home not living in a mansion.

There is a lovely Irish proverb "may your home always be too small to hold all of your friends".

Be proud of what you have

I live in a big house and would think nothing of you having a small house. I'm honoured to be invited in to anyone's house. I've lived in everything from tiny single rooms - seriously don't care! Honestly folk can be nice!!

It sometimes isn’t just the size of the house but general shabbiness. I spent years in a two bed cottage where I had to sleep in the lounge so DCs could have own bedroom each and with the best will in the world it felt messy and cluttered.

I miss it now though

I have friends with big expensive houses in select villages, potentially "posh" but they arent a bit prescious about their stuff or their houses, animals everywhere, not a bit bothered by dust, etc. Similar post on here a few months back. My place is small (we downsized for retirement) open plan, so I try to keep it tidy.Smaller houses dont neccessarily mean bigger or more holidays. You should buy what you can afford, be sensible. We lived in a caravan when first married (brand new proper residential model) in a posh village, people who had never seen it used to ask how we went to the toilet, or had a bath! I had a kitchen diner big enough to eat it, a bathroom big enough to fit a twin tub washing machine, both much bigger than the properties my friends were buying or renting. I got so fed up with the stupid comments, I used to say, "in the field next door", it formed the deposit for our first house. I had a very middle class friend with a perectly lovelly 3 bed cottage, she got fed up with her friends saying what a sweet "little" house, with curled lip, and stupidly bought a big place, taking on a large mortgage later in life, just diagnosed with a medicla condition, and 3 flights on stairs to cope with, and the children just leaving home, madness!!!Unfortunately there will always be people who make you feel inferior either deliberately or unintentionally with comments like this. Some lovelly and true replies on here.

My house is small and I get fed up with how impractical it is at times, but that's about it.
Having said that, I don't live in an affluent village and know a lot of people in a similar position.

Of course YABU to compare yourself with people who've been luckier in life, rather than those who are worse off. Most people probably do just the same, but of course it is BU.

Do you manage to keep the house clean; are the children happy?

I think it’s the comparison that gets you down.

My kids go to school in a very affluent village.
We rent a shabby 3 bed semi that desperately needs modernising. Rents have sky rocketed so if we moved we would only be able to afford a shabby 2 bed flat on what we currently pay.

Most of the kids friends live in massive houses and the ones that live in smaller ones, the houses are immaculate and been renovated etc.
I hate having people over as I feel judged (probably in my head) and if I find someone that has an equally small shabby house I just want to be best friends with them!!!

But I have friends with big houses...
That have to work all the hours in order to pay for it (or the husband does and is never home/commutes to London etc)
Had to wait 5+ years between kids as they couldn’t afford nursery for 2 kids at the same time
Have split up and had to downsize to smaller (but still bigger than mine!!!)
Kids have health issues or have health issues themselves.

Lots of the rich kids will be going to private school for secondary and DS1 is going to the local comp and I’m quite looking forward to it as most of his new friends will be from the local town which is full of 3 bed semis!!!

The type of people who would be unpleasant to you or judge you over the size of your house are the classic "secretary who married the boss" types who now think they are the shit, but have no idea how to behave so are all judgemental and snooty to hide that fact. Most normal people (with huge houses or small houses and in between) don't care about someone's house size! They care about it being relatively clean and the host being warm and welcoming.

You have a home, thousands in the UK haven't and don't worry about lace curtains and no knickers types as they're all show and no substance and if they're judging your home they're shallow