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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Aibu? To be embarrassed by my modest home...

223 replies

btfly2 · 29/03/2018 00:59

I admit that. I'm embarrassed about where I live and I'm too embarrassed to invite people around.
Small and very affluent village, mostly middle class families at the local school.
Fear of my kids's friends parents and now I've become reclusive and I feel sad for my children integrate well.
Sorry but cannot help to feel this way and I don't know how to overcome this sad situation. Have you ever been in a similar situation..?

OP posts:
KennDodd · 31/03/2018 11:09

How do you know they look down on you op? What gives you that impression, what do they say/do?

KennDodd · 31/03/2018 11:12

And I'm a bit of a snob, love a good judge, but houses/money, (because money is what this is really about) never occur to me to judge people about.

Curiousaboutchoices · 31/03/2018 11:15

May I also add a comment on kids and what they might say? Kids are factual in my view, not deliberately mean (at primary age at least). My kids have gone to places and said ‘your house is smaller than ours’. They’ve also gone and said ‘you have nicer food’, you have better toys, your TV is on all the time (the holy grail of awesomeness to my kids) and ‘your mum is way nicer than mine’. All wonderfully honest (to them) assessments of how they see the facts.

Their own friends do the same: your house is bigger/smaller than ours, my room is bigger than yours (my eldest’s is tiny), I don’t like your mum’s cooking, I love your trampoline etc etc. The good and bad all fall out of their mouths without thinking.

They don’t mean to be rude. When kids say things like that here I say gently ‘in this house we don’t say we don’t like dinner, we eat what we can and politely leave the rest’ and so forth. I’d hope my kids friends parents do the same.

If my kids say ‘charlie’s House is tiny Mum!’ when they come home from charlie’s then we have a chat about how we should probably keep those thoughts in our heads outside our own home, in case we hurt peoples feelings. They understand this quite early if you explain it and make it logical rather than tell them off.

It’s education for life, gently teaching our kids that people are different and it really doesn’t matter, but we need to take into account how our behaviour or words can potentially hurt others.

Lovelydearie · 31/03/2018 11:18

How do you know they look down on your road?

Are you with the as they turn into it?

This all sounds like projection to me or an excuse not to have friens round.

You do need to get over yourself rather.

BitchQueen90 · 31/03/2018 11:30

I'm baffled as to why this is even an issue. Why are you placing so much value on the opinions of others? You'll never be happy if you're always doing that.

KatInTheHat · 31/03/2018 11:40

Yes, couldn't agree more, though I've gone through the same feelings as the poster, and some people definitely do judge you, mostly I would say screw them but if my kid happens to adore their kid and vice versa, it becomes a bit tough!

KatInTheHat · 31/03/2018 11:45

I was trying to reply to the woman who mentioned her rat infested flats... sorry a bit new to using the forum. Anyway, many people don't judge, especially if you are confident about it all, but of course there are always those that do, and they are not worth your time...of course it gets complicated if your kid likes their kid and vice versa. This is part of a situation I am in at the mo, still thinking what to do....

Lovelydearie · 31/03/2018 11:49

Am i missing something? How the actual
do you know someone is judging you on your house?

kateandme · 31/03/2018 11:52

make it yours and make it welcoming.thats all people wants.its like body image lol.if you love it it will show.no matter the size.and if some people judge you and who you might be over the size of ur home then you don't want there time or there friendship in ur life.
what comfrots you.what colours and styles.try add them so you can feel good bout it.
think of all the programs now.small spaces have dedicated programs showing how great they are!

BrendasUmbrella · 31/03/2018 12:06

OP if there's any rubbish about you can fill in a form on your council website and report it as fly tipping. There was a sink lying in my road for months which looked just lovely! When I finally got fed up and reported it it got picked up within days. (Now I have to report a fridge...)

Boulty · 31/03/2018 12:40

It is about the welcome. If you home is clean and reasonably tidy great. Don't compare with people in bigger houses - some of them will have huge debts to have that show home. Be yourself anyone who judges you because you have a more 'modest' home isn't worth knowing.

btfly2 · 31/03/2018 14:32

Ok,
I'm reading all the replies, mumsnetters always been very supportive at different stages and I read with interest.
First I admire people with confidence as I don't own that trait and I'm working hard on it in therapy.
Second, people do judge, sometimes without even realising.
KatInTheHat I'm glad you said what I exactly meant to say and is tricky when you have kids and they mix with lovely friends from well off families that got it all to ensure children's success and one is always feeling behind. Ive been in that awkward situation where the parents, not the kids, subtllety expressed it at some point. I hope my post is not misunderstood. I just can't help it but is the way I feel, perhaps depression is haunting me but it doesn't mean people can be mean about your status, class, money or whatever you call it.

OP posts:
laurahill88 · 31/03/2018 14:36

If you think they’d judge you then I’d say you need new friends!

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 31/03/2018 15:00

Some people will judge,that’s just life,it reflects upon them not you
Just be yourself,be hospitable, and decent people will be your friend
I get it,it can creep up that worry and comparing self to others.just try keep it in check

Eggyegg · 31/03/2018 15:13

Our house is bigger and a nightmare to clean. I love going to slightly muddly, cozy homes. Makes our mess less messy somehow.

yummyeclair · 31/03/2018 15:36

My experience is that genuine friendly people do not care show much you have and will not judge you . People who care about size of house etc are easy come easy go

Kaybush · 31/03/2018 15:57

When my parents first moved to the city I now live in, when I was a toddler, they bought a big house in (what is still) the most expensive road.

They'd come from a cosmopolitan American city and my mum just hated living in the house from the start as it was so quiet and she never saw anyone in the streets.

After two years they sold it, bought a smaller apartment in the city centre (and invested the rest of the money).

They're still living there and, now that they're elderly, it means so much to them to be where they are.

VinoEsmeralda · 31/03/2018 16:15

I choose my friends on their personality not the seize of their house& wealth. I live in a whopper of a house and have a comfortable life.

Also been on the other side and never been ashamed of where I lived, others ( my family) have but thats their shallow problem.

Be yourself, having a bigger house shouldnt make people like you moreGrin

Icanttakemuchmore · 31/03/2018 16:27

Anyone that judges you because of the size of your house or bank balance us not worth knowing. As long as your house is clean enough for guests to feel comfortable to eat and drink there who cares about your house being modest.

drofrub · 03/04/2018 18:32

Yes, some people judge... but if they do you have to ask yourself whether they are people you want to be friends with?

We live in a comfortable area, but as DH and I are both public sector workers, we're never going to earn loads. Hence, we have respectable jobs but a small 3 bed terraced. Some of our friends have houses that are worth double the value of ours, some even quadruple. One of my closest friends has a house 4 times more expensive than mine.

But the one thing I've learnt over the years, is that almost every lifestyle has its rub. Yes, DH and I are public sector workers. We don't earn loads, but we both have secure jobs with generous holidays and we're both home in time for tea each night. Other friends have the huge houses, but for that they sacrifice a husband that works long hours or is frequently away on business, or has a lot of work stress so they have to do all the housework / childcare / family stuff. Sometimes it's the unhappy marriage, staying together for convenience or the children. In one case, it's turning the other way whilst the DH has his affairs. Or maybe they inherited the house, but don't have loads to invest into it, or husband lives away some of the time.... out of all my friends with their gorgeous houses, I haven't found a perfect life yet! Every lifestyle has its pros and it's cons. It's worth remembering that, and whilst you might have the smaller house, I'd bet you've got some benefits that other friends haven't got.

PerfectlyDone · 03/04/2018 19:32

Those who matter don't judge, those who judge don't matter Smile

CassandraCross · 03/04/2018 19:52

It's not the size of the house or where it is that matters, OP, it is who is in the house. A happy, relaxed, comfortable home whatever the size or where it is has an atmosphere that is priceless and that comes from the person in it.

People who judge a person's value on their address are shallow and not worth wasting any time or effort on.

Please don't be shy or embarrassed about your house, it is your home it does what it should do - gives you and your family shelter, security and comfort, it is full of memories of your life within it, be proud of it and yourself.

Lymmmummy · 03/04/2018 20:15

I live in a similar style area - we live in an ok house but lots of DC friends live in far larger houses - it’s hard not to let it affect you I know where you are coming from

But in terms of becoming a recluse I suppose if you have DC and want to do things with others you could go to toddler groups, the park or soft play or cinema or whatever is age appropriate so that there is less emphasis on people needing to come to your home if this is something you feel uncomfortable with

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