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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu? To be embarrassed by my modest home...

223 replies

btfly2 · 29/03/2018 00:59

I admit that. I'm embarrassed about where I live and I'm too embarrassed to invite people around.
Small and very affluent village, mostly middle class families at the local school.
Fear of my kids's friends parents and now I've become reclusive and I feel sad for my children integrate well.
Sorry but cannot help to feel this way and I don't know how to overcome this sad situation. Have you ever been in a similar situation..?

OP posts:
waterlego6064 · 29/03/2018 11:57

Thatsquiteenough Why is is patronising?

Luck (both good and bad) is why I live where I do.

It’s infuriating that I came across as smug, because I am far from it.

Gudgyx · 29/03/2018 12:02

I feel a bit the same sometimes OP. All my friends live in houses they bought, brand new builds that are beautifully decorated, immaculate and way too big for them and their situations right now. Think 4 bed houses for a couple etc.

I currently live in a rented ex council house. Nice enough, but really could do with being renovated. Always a mess, no matter how much I tidy.

Saying that, a friend of ours lives in an ex council house, terraced, in a not so nice area. And I absolutely love visiting them! They are so welcoming, and kind, and make us feel right at home.

LadyFlangeWidget · 29/03/2018 12:05

When I first moved to European country, I had 2 samll dc under 2 and was desperate to make friends. A Friends friend was having a bbq in her large villa , all of her friends were bankers/ rich types with Armani dresses and toddlers in designer wear. I thought she was nice and we made initial friends, ( both expats). However it turned out to be all hot air.... as when I invited her round to ours for a play-date ( ours being a small 2 bed rented apartment) I could almost see her nose turn up.... and from that day she dropped me like a hot coal. Snooty bitch I thought- I was offering her friendship never mind the house size / husbands job etc ...............but clearly she judged me.

Thatsquiteenough · 29/03/2018 12:07

But it's not just down to.luck is it? So I say nowt to visiting kids who comment. I just say yes it is , would you like a drink etc? That said our house is quite scruffy and very old so ...

waterlego6064 · 29/03/2018 12:26

Mine is scruffy too. In my case, it was ‘luck’ really, as my inheritance directly bought the house.

But if saying that we are fortunate could potentially rub someone up the wrong way, then I will try to bite my tongue!

I mean, I could have chosen to spend my inheritance differently but I did what most people would do and bought a house. It is unfortunate that my parents both died quite young, and it was that misfortune that directly led to us living here.

I am very keen to not appear smug or snooty about my situation.

IfNot · 29/03/2018 12:36

I wouldn't let my kids go to some parts of town, regardless of the size of the property.

I once went for Xmas drinks with a bunch of local parents who didn't know my exact address.There are a lot of big Stone houses around here, and lots of smaller but very "done" semis, plus a couple of grotty council estates.
I was walking homewards with a few of them and I said "see ya-I go this way" and one of them told me to make sure I didn't walk up x street as it was a bit dodgy. I told them that was going to make it tricky for me as that's where I live!
I know for a fact that when certain of dc's friends have been here, that's the first time they have set foot on a council estate Grin
I don't mind anyone coming to my crappy house, as long as they don't actually awkward about it. Then it's painful. I'm embarrassed by the embarrassment of others.

DayKay · 29/03/2018 12:40

My sil once said ‘it doesn’t matter how small the house is, as long as the heart is big’. Bit of a cheesy saying but so much truth in it.

Teutonic · 29/03/2018 12:43

Woah missus. Come on. There is absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about.

It's HOME and a home is what you make it, large, medium and small.

I've been in homes, large lovely ones and they've been cold even though the heating is on. Why? Because there was no warm inviting atmosphere. It was all about material love rather than marital love.
Equally, I've been in homes that are not much bigger than a bed sit with shabby furniture and decor and its been a warm inviting atmosphere.
It's not about property and possessions, its how you make it for your home, and there's no better home than one where people feel relaxed and welcomed. You can't buy that atmosphere, you can only make it.
A true friend will want to visit you, not your home, as will your kids friends.
So chin up and stop being so hard on yourself.

LockedOutOfMN · 29/03/2018 12:47

I love our small (ish) home. We live in the city centre so most of our friends and the DC's friends in this area live in similar sized homes, although I'd say ours is at the smaller end of average. I love that it's so quick to clean and tidy and the DC can be anywhere and still within my or DH's hearing. We used to live in a much bigger place and it was so much more hassle.

MsSquiz · 29/03/2018 12:50

It's not about the size of the house, it's about the people within the Home.

When I went to private school all of my friends came from families with money, had large fancy houses and fancy cars while me and my mum lived in a 2 bed council flat in a not great part of the city. But, if you ask those friends who had the best sleepovers or birthday parties, they would say me. My mum baked us cakes and made us homemade snacks and dinners, she would let us all take over the lounge with a load of duvets and pillows and everyone always wanted her to join us!

Those who matter don't care about the size of your house...

DamsonOnThisDress · 29/03/2018 12:56

@PlagiarismAndTheCuckoo good point.

One of our son's friends comes from a very wealthy family, big house, lots of land, etc and I realised that I'd pretty much had all son's friends round bar him - I'd been putting it off.

Not so much because I was ashamed or anything - he and his family are the loveliest people, you could meet - not a bit judgemental - and they have what they have because they work their arses off in a number of successful businesses - but more because I worried he'd be bored as he's used to quadding and karting on his land, huge games room etc. ..

...but I caught myself on and realised as far as that wee boy knew he was the only one being left out which is awful.

I apologised to his mum and said I was sorry it took so long to getting him round. I was honest that I'd worried he'd be bored what with them living in a small boy's paradise. It was said and taken in good humour and we had giggle at that and arranged it. He was just delighted to have been asked around.

Tbh I'm much more embarrassed that I left that wee boy so long without an invite than I'd ever be about my house. Lesson learned there!

Sprockermum · 30/03/2018 17:33

I used to work with really high end middle class people but live on a council estate which truth be told has a bad reputation... I never hesitate saying where I live.. sometimes it's a conversation stopper but more often was an eye opener for them to know not all less well off households are to be ashamed of. Bless you... Hold your head up high and be proud of who you and your children are. Look at how many Country piles are in disrepair from lack of funds. People will judge you for who you are... not what you have... and if they don't well it's their problem and loss.

labazs · 30/03/2018 17:35

my partner owned his own house and was as miserable as sin with his ex same scenario for me now we live in a tiny rented house run a business work 7 days a week 365 days a year and are happy as can be we home sit for the rich people who live in posh houses and its all trimmings fur coat and no knickers be proud of what you have i am

MiddlingMum · 30/03/2018 17:47

I have a friend who lives in a fabulous house - huge, large grounds, exquisite village. She's one of the most unhappy people I know due to a horrible marriage. She loves coming to our modest three-bed rather scruffy end-of-terrace as she says it feels happy and cosy.

MaggieS41 · 30/03/2018 17:52

You shouldn’t have to feel like this but as you do it’s a good opportunity to weed out the people that may think differently of you. But really don’t give a shit. It’s your home and be proud that you have a comfortable one to raise your children in.

gamerwidow · 30/03/2018 18:07

I do suffer from major house envy when visiting my DD's friends houses we have a by far more shabby home than most of them. However DD doesn't care and she loves having friends over so I just invite and hope for the best. If anyone is going to judge me on my house we would never have been friends anyway. Also it's funny what kids like about houses DD loves the fact that ours is really small.

Wheresthebeach · 30/03/2018 18:11

People won't care - if they do then they are twats and you should ignore. Welcoming people is what makes a home somewhere people want to be.

I have a friend who feels like you, its a shame as she never invites anyone over/back for supper/lunch etc. Over time invites dry up because she never reciprocates. Its such a shame - people come over for the company - not the size of the house.

clothcollector · 30/03/2018 18:13

well for all they know you could have a normal 3 bed semi but them own another flat that you rent to tenants. you might have a smaller home and be mortgage free. honestly, i unless i knew someone well and we'd spoken about it, i'd honestly just think you were prudent.

Yarboosucks · 30/03/2018 18:17

I would not want my chid to go to the house of someone who is judgemental and who projects their own prejudices. Inverse snobbery is not something to be proud of.

Kangar00 · 30/03/2018 18:19

OP- I completely understand where you aren’t coming from. ee bought our current house as we had sold our previous, were renting and were desperate to settle and buy again. It is a house many would want (4 bed detached, reasonable garden, nice estate in well thought of village and ten mins drive into an excellent city). Somehow I know on paper and in my head I should be grateful (mortgage will be paid off by the time I’m 35) but it isn’t what I want I feel embarrassed by that. Then I try to tell myself to feel grateful and to stop being a dick. Just like a few posters have said, my house is about me and the Home I make it. I should be more embarrassed if I am not welcoming and don’t invite others around.

JohnSAHD · 30/03/2018 18:21

Wouldn't you rather be Mrs. Cole than in a swanky house?

thethoughtfox · 30/03/2018 18:25

Kids don't care.

Davros · 30/03/2018 18:30

There's a lot of inverse snobbery on this thread Sad I also don't see why anyone should feel embarrassed to be better off and live in a big house to the point that they have to dismiss it as all down to luck (unless it is!).

clothcollector · 30/03/2018 18:34

kids can be snotty too if they have learned from their parents. i remember overhearing a child at school saying " why do you live in X, its disgusting there" the child was 7 or 8 and in the year above one my DC.

roundaboutthetown · 30/03/2018 18:38

People worth knowing judge whether or not they like and want to spend time with others on the basis of personality, not house size or location. That said, being so paranoid about your house that you never let anyone come round to see it does say something about your personality and self-confidence and that will affect how people react to you. Try putting yourself in the position of other people you would actually like to know: how do you think they would they feel if they knew you never bothered to invite them to your house because you thought they might be obnoxious and judgemental? Treat others as you would like to be treated yourself, don't do them the disservice of assuming they are small-minded, and stop looking down on yourself, too, because it's doing you and your children a disservice to assume the worst of others.