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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu? To be embarrassed by my modest home...

223 replies

btfly2 · 29/03/2018 00:59

I admit that. I'm embarrassed about where I live and I'm too embarrassed to invite people around.
Small and very affluent village, mostly middle class families at the local school.
Fear of my kids's friends parents and now I've become reclusive and I feel sad for my children integrate well.
Sorry but cannot help to feel this way and I don't know how to overcome this sad situation. Have you ever been in a similar situation..?

OP posts:
mavismcruet · 30/03/2018 20:55

Please please please don’t get caught up by what other people have or haven’t. Anyone worth your time won’t care about your house.

I was gutted recently when a lady started holding me at arms length once she saw my house. We had lots in common: had our kids in late 30s, travelled lots, similar interests plus had our baby boys a few months apart. Met for coffees, play dates and I went to her house. All good and lovely. I invited her back to mine for a play date. She went really funny with me and kept on saying how small and rubbish her house was. She also said things like she could have fitted her whole house into my living room and that my kids playroom was better equipped than the the local nursery. She kept on saying how I must have been appalled by her house. I probably made a tit of myself by trying to point out all the house’s bad bits in a clumsy effort to try and make her feel better. It obviously didn’t work and she definitely left feeling like she was in some way inadequate. I still see her but not as often and only in a group. It made me feel awful for a while, like I had lauded it over her (which I’m fairly sure I hadn’t) and I’m definitely less inclined to invite other people for play dates now Sad

farmerswifey2 · 30/03/2018 20:58

We live in a large (farm) house.

I have invited lots of folk round for tea, but the number of times I been told that they could never invite me back as their houses are tiny in comparison is heartbreaking. I just like cake, I couldn't give a fig about what your house looks like. I'm after a chat, not to shack-up together.

userxx · 30/03/2018 21:00

@mavismcruet that's really sad. Invite people over, why should you and your kids miss out because of other people's insecurities.

Liara · 30/03/2018 21:05

I'm part of a very mixed social group, with some living in huge mansions and others in very small houses.

The best gatherings are in a friend's very very small house. The dc are always keen to go there.

Some of the worst in a very large posh one with a swimming pool. The dc always ask to beg off.

Nothing to do with the houses, but the partner of the one with the posh house is an arse, and no one is really comfortable in his place, and the one with the small house is welcoming, friendly and makes everyone feel at ease. Plus she's an amazing cook and lays out the best snacks for everyone to share!

LimonViola · 30/03/2018 21:09

I have invited lots of folk round for tea, but the number of times I been told that they could never invite me back as their houses are tiny in comparison is heartbreaking

Must admit, I'd start to suspect they're just lazy hosts happy to be hosted but never to return the favour. Someone with genuine insecurity about their home probably would feel too ashamed to admit that's the issue, not be so quick to use it as an excuse for not possibly ever being able to reciprocate.

Biblio78 · 30/03/2018 21:11

Ah sweetheart, don't cut yourself or your children from human interaction...it's what keeps us all plodding along!
Before moving recently, my son had spent his f

Balearica · 30/03/2018 21:23

I'm in the process of downsizing for the second time due to being a single parent and having a shitty exH who will throw money at a QC no less to make sure we get no maintenance.

TBH I am looking forward to being in a smaller house. Much simpler, with less crap and if I want to paint a room it will take me half the time. I'll be having all my friends round to visit even though some of them live in big houses. I don't care and nor do they.

Bowerbird5 · 30/03/2018 21:27

Please don't feel like that.
My garden was full of lots of village children they loved coming here because I let them bake and paint and garden. There was lots of hilarity which I miss. One family had a large rambling house which the kids said was always freezing cold in the winter. The son said "I'm going to have a house like yours when I grow up. It is cosy I love it." I thought it was such a compliment. The millionaire across the greens kids were always here. They have their own businesses now but always stop for a chat if I am out walking. There was only about ten kids in the village and they all played together.

SoftSheen · 30/03/2018 21:28

Nobody will mind if your house is small!

What most people care about is whether it is reasonably clean, warm and cosy, and whether you are a good host in terms of making people welcome, and offering them decent coffee or tea. Bonus points if homemade cake is available

Biblio78 · 30/03/2018 21:32

Oops! To continue... have recently moved from a tiny council flat in London which my son loved. Thought of which might horrify others but it enabled me to go back to uni and we loved it.
I often admired a friends beautiful living room but my son would get bored visiting them because there was an enormous TV and nothing else. We all live differently and It sounds like you have lost confidence in your self. Try to get it back, and look for people who you like to maybe meet up with at the park, maybe suggest a parent's coffee morning if the children's school don't have one. That way you can get to know people who you get along with.
Eventually you will have the confidence to invite them round. Best wishes

Thatsquiteenough · 30/03/2018 21:36

My house is very big.
It's shabby and cosy and warm.
My partner is not an arse.
I bake and make coffee.
Children love coming here.
We have dogs.

I'm confused - am I allowed to do all those things AND have a big house?

Thatsquiteenough · 30/03/2018 21:37

And I couldn't give a shit about how long it takes to clean as I only do a bit of it at a time.

NeverTwerkNaked · 30/03/2018 21:49

I grew up in a vast house. I loved going to my friends’ “modest” houses! I loved hanging out with them, I loved being allowed to do things I couldn’t do at mine (like watch tv!). Children don’t see the world the same way (some) grown ups do.

I live in a village that is divided by old railway tracks. Pretty much all the posh houses are one side, all the “modest” houses are on the other side. I live in a “modest” house and have frequently be cut cold by people when they find out where I live. Yet they are happy to hang out with my friend who lives a stones throw away on the “right” side. But they are just hideous snobs, there are huge numbers of lovely people who don’t care about that, who value people for who they are not what they have. Hunt out those people and treasure them!

Thatsquiteenough · 30/03/2018 22:00

Oh god..I'm failing again!

My children are allowed to watch TV in their big house.

I shall ban them forthwith!

Maybe they just like your friend and you, not so much? Hmm?

Mummadeeze · 30/03/2018 22:03

I feel the same but kids definitely don't notice that your house is rubbish, messy, small, badly decorated etc so you can still have them over without their parents. I have bitten the bullet a couple of times and had parents round too. I sleep in the sitting room so we have sat on my bed chatting. I got out some wine and crisps and they didn't seem to care about how we live. It isn't ideal (and they all have lovely big houses) but if they are nice people I think they will be open minded and it always was much less awkward than I imagined. I would try really hard to put your feelings aside and be sociable for your kids' sake as playdates mean a lot to them.

SoftSheen · 30/03/2018 22:03

Thatsquiteenough Sounds perfect to me!

Samantha77hat · 30/03/2018 22:07

We have a decent size house, not massive, 4 bed detached
Some of my friends have tiny houses
They always come here and don't invite me round
They are good friends so it isn't that they don't like me
It upsets me, I don't care what their houses are like I would just like to be invited back some of the time but I guess they are self conscious like OP

NeverTwerkNaked · 30/03/2018 22:16

thatsquiteenough they were perfectly happy chatting to me till they found out where I lived Confused

Also not sure why you are constantly jumping on this thread and being defensive. We are actually about to move to a v big v nice house (having saved hard) but I am not taking offence at any of the comments about big houses! This is a thread to reassure the op that people won’t think less of her for having s “modest” house and I certainly wouldn’t. I’m curious why you can’t see that and are insistent upon making this about you?

KennDodd · 30/03/2018 22:17

Nobody gives a shit what your house looks like. They might think it a bit off if you are unwelcoming to them/there children and never invite them over though.

I remember a friend told me in conversation once that she needs to have nice crockery and glasses because they like to have people round for dinner. I said that I like to think people come round to see me not my plates.

newnameallround · 30/03/2018 22:19

Who cares as long as you have a kettle and biscuits!

Motoko · 30/03/2018 22:20

Ha NeverTwerkNaked you literally live on the wrong side of the tracks! That's where the saying comes from. In the old days, the larger, posher houses were built on one side and away from the tracks, and the workers houses were built the other side, near the tracks.

ILoveDolly · 30/03/2018 22:20

My house is big and tatty and I always feel a pang of envy when I go to friends cosy smaller houses that are near to the village and not draughty or expensive to maintain! Besides, I'll go anywhere for a cuppa.

KennDodd · 30/03/2018 22:21

Also I think the theme running through this thread,
big house = miserable, mean people
small house = happy, nice people
Is rubbish, IMO the house makes no difference to how nice/happy or not the people are.

Smooshface · 30/03/2018 22:22

I am in this exact situation. You just have to get on with it, if anyone cares then more fool them. Makes them look bad, not you.

I frequently am embarassed, but I'd find it worse not having kids over and having my kid be the one that doesn't.

Allthebubbles · 30/03/2018 22:36

I live in a biggish house and it is purely because my husbands family are wealthy. If we lived where we could afford on our earnings alone, it would be tiny. I would never judge anyone or think we were better than them on house size, I know we are incredibly lucky and it makes us no better or worse than other people. I judge people on whether they are friendly, whether they hold similar values etc.
I do like having people over but I've also realised I need down time and quiet and I'm messy, so I'm probably not as sociable as I could be but it's nothing to do with where anyone lives.

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