Aibu? To be embarrassed by my modest home...

[btfly2]

I admit that. I'm embarrassed about where I live and I'm too embarrassed to invite people around.
Small and very affluent village, mostly middle class families at the local school.
Fear of my kids's friends parents and now I've become reclusive and I feel sad for my children integrate well.
Sorry but cannot help to feel this way and I don't know how to overcome this sad situation. Have you ever been in a similar situation..?

ITs ALL about area... you’re doing the right thing for your kids and getting them into a good school and giving them some form of inheritance when they get older! Much better to have a smaller house in a nice area than a massive house in a shitty area. Well done you for living in an affluent area... anyone with a massive house there is probably a drug dealer or got divorced 5 times as they care about cash more than their family! LOL!! if all else fails go over to third work country and see how they live and see how lucky we all are in the UK!

Aw bless you. If I'm lucky enough to be invited to someone's home it is certainly not my place to judge! X

I grew up in a small but also scruffy tatty house. I felt ashamed when I had friends round.
Recently I caught up with an old school friend I hadn't seen since I left school, who was one of my best friends between the ages of 7 and 15. We spent ages talking about memories and I mentioned how I had been ashamed of our house. She was genuinely surprised and said she really didn't remember it being scruffy or particularly small.

OP, you just need to hold your head high and have some confidence in yourself! There are probably other homes in your village that aren't huge or smart and I can't imagine that you judge those houses or their owners either. If you lived in my village, you would view my house in that way as it's small, definitely not perfectly formed and not pristine inside. I'm embarrassed too but my friends are used to the unfinished building work, lack of carpets and crates that are still here after X years. Other people won't judge in the way you are imagining and those that do, you wouldn't bother with.

anyone with a massive house there is probably a drug dealer or got divorced 5 times as they care about cash more than their family!
Is this a serious comment? I'm shocked

Haven't read the whole thread but can relate. We live in an upstairs flat in an old building. the dcs share bedrooms, even now as adults. DS (16) won't invite his friends round because he is embarrassed about our place and that basically, his room is a glorified storage cupboard. Iwish we had a nice big house like his friends....but we don't.
All I can do is make it as warm and friendly as I can.
We finally have a bit of money coming so will be able to get new floors for kitchen and bathroom, and a new sitting room suite and some curtains, all of which will smarten the place up bu tnot make it any bigger.

Some people, sadly will always judge a person for what they have/don't have, but these people aren't worth bothering with. But there are plenty of people out there who just want a friendly face to talk to and someone who tries to get involved with the school/community stuff. You just need to put yourself out there for the sake of your kids and yourself. Hold your head up high lady and remember that just because people have nice houses and own stuff, it doesn't necessarily mean they're happy, they might feel lonely and isolated too. Good luck.

A home is a home, and a welcoming home will always beat an unwelcoming house.

Some will judge, be it a modest home, or an extravagant one, but life's too short to worry about those people. Enjoy those who care about you, not your possessions.

On the positive side, it's often easier to work out who your real friends are when you're on the down than it is when you're on the up.

Don't miss out on life just because some people are judgmental. Open the doors and to hell with them!

You just sound insecure. Anyone that cares about your size of your house aren’t worth knowing.

It’s all relative. We live in a normal
Family house and at a kids party recently, the Mum said how envious she was of our (very modest) house. She lives in a 2 bed flat.

It made me realise how lucky we are.

The nicest and most welcoming houses I have been in recently and have been the tiny, cosy farm cottages

Some folk will discriminate and judge on your home,possessions,and make comparisons
These are the sort of folk you dont need,nor do you need to entertain comparisons
However by fretting about this you're colliding with notion that possession make you a good person

I’d much rather visit a proper family home where the kids can play and make a mess (I’d obviously help to clean up after) than a show home where I’d be worrying if the kids damaged something or I felt I couldn’t relax. (I have very young children, not hooligans!). I grew up in a far smaller and less posh house than my friends, guess where everyone wanted to stay and visit?! Yup, mine. Mum was always feeding everyone and it’s the hospitality that counts. Everyone felt like it was their second home and that’s what counts x

OP, we live in a big, nice house in an affluent area. I have friends who live at the opposite end of town, in small terraces with clutter and whatever. I don't give one single jot about their homes, other than they're welcoming me warmly into it. I've been wedged up against piles of laundry and had to sit on the floor on one occasion because there weren't enough chairs to go round. But the friend had invited everyone, made us all welcome and baked a lovely banana cake. I only remember what a nice time we all had.

I always notice something lovely about everyone's home I'm lucky enough to visit. As long as the loo is clean and there's soap and a cup of tea, I'm happy.

Nice people won't be judging you or your home, honestly.

I can’t imagine ever judging someone for the size of their house-okay if they’ve got an old sofa in the front garden and a car missing it’s wheels on the pavement!!
We bought our house 10 years ago and took ourselves to the limit of what we could afford. In those 10 years I’ve had another baby, 2 nervous breakdowns, lost 3 parents between us and periods of me not working due to the nervous breakdowns. All of this has meant it has been a bloody struggle to keep the mortgage going. It’s a lovely 5 bed detached in an affluent village. We’ve had no holidays (apart from a week in Cornwall in a caravan 2 years ago) and some of the rooms haven’t been painted since we moved in 10 years ago.
But all my friends love to come in and kick their shoes off and make themselves at home. I do still struggle with “new people” seeing my home for the first time-it’s shabby but not in a chic way and the bloody dog stinks 😂😂. But it’s our home-full of good and bad memories although with hindsight I wish we had never bought it.
Your children won’t remember growing up in a small house but they will remember never being allowed friends home. Open your door and put the kettle on xx

I lived in a beautiful home worth over half a million. 5 bedrooms, 5 bathrooms, space for two playrooms, an office etc etc. And I was a miserable as sin. I had thought, stupidly that the nice house a good trade off for a miserable marragie, until one day, I overheard a lady comment to someone else that nice things don’t mean a thing if you’re not happy. And they don’t. I now have a tiny house but it is full of life, happiness and laughter. I am so proud of it and myself. Life is not about stuff.

I can remember a time when we were very affluent and friends with another couple who weren't. We holidayed and spent lots of time with each other. Never once thought anything of the relative disparity, it simply didn't matter.

Years later (still friends), the other couple became incredibly wealthy, and we overheard them speaking to another couple saying 'well, they're not the top earners anymore are they, they'll never have a home like this' - it was just awful and hurtful. It showed a resentment they'd held for years, and it changed our relationship. Hand on heart we never once judged them before, but now the tables were reversed they couldn't wait to flaunt their wealth and mock the new disparity.

In the end, we just felt sorry for them. The money didn't matter to us like it did to them. Our friends are our friends, from a council flat to a private estate. To this day I still get irked by people asking what car I drive, or what I do for a living. Sometimes, it's a plain curiosity question and I'm ok with that, but more often than not it's a value judgment and I just object to it. It doesn't matter what I do or how many bedrooms we've got.

We're lucky enough to live in a 'large' house. But it wasn't always that way for either of us. DH was saying, just today as we're updating DS's bedroom, that he didn't have a bedroom from 11 years old until he left to go to college at 17. He slept on a sofa bed in the living room.

I was brought up in a damp house with an outside loo and no bathroom until I was 10 years old when we moved into a council house (the bliss of a warm living room in the winter).

We've just been lucky enough to get well paid jobs and marry late in life and have our DS when our careers were at their peak. We both had flats to sell so we had the money to put down a hefty deposit.

I don't forget my roots though. If you give me a nice cuppa and a biscuit I'm as happy as Larry. Whether you've got peeling wallpaper, a small living room, clutter or whatever you think people look down on most wont. You don't know their backgrounds, how their families lived when they were kids. Just because they appear to have a great life now doesn't mean it was always that way and, even if they did have a similar house as a child to the one they live in now - why would they judge? Only people with their heads up their backsides judge others by what they've got rather than what they're like and those people deserve the friends they get in my opinion.

Invite some parents round - they may surprise you.

My house is tiny but I love it as it's mine. Small houses are also a hell of a lot cheaper to run - what's not to love!

This is so sad. I do understand where you are coming from though as I live in an extremely affluent area and most of my friends have way bigger houses.

BUT do you know what, as a previous poster said, nobody who is worth being friends with will give two hoots. Even the ones who aren’t friend material will love it as they can be self satisfied that their house is bigger)!

If you are welcoming and inclusive, that is genuinely all that ever counts. And as for the kids, I absolutely bet that your kids will benefit from stuff that others in enormous places won’t. Whether that’s seeing their parents more or going out into the world without a sense of privileged entitlement that will hold them back.

I live in a big house... long story but I don't own it and never will....I have friends who all own their equally big houses, and often feel inadequate because I don't. But life is for living, and I just make sure I throw the best parties ! ;-)

Whether that’s seeing their parents more or going out into the world without a sense of privileged entitlement that will hold them back.
Judgmental or wot?

The inverse snobbery on this thread is breathtaking!

And the virtue signalling smugness...oooh I LOVE my friends teeny tiny little house, it's so...COSY.

FFS. Not everyone in a big house is a materialistic wanker and not everyone in a small one is a rosy cheeked luv a duck cor blimey Mr Fucking Kipling.

Invite or don't invite - no one really gives a shit either way.

Totally understand and relate. My son is at a private school thanks to the incredible planning and generosity of DH’s parents, and I struggle as we get invited to play dates and BBQs and dinners at Mansions. We don’t exactly live in poverty but compared to others at the school city we are very ordinary and our house would seem small - though it’s plenty big enough for us! I very rarely invite people back to ours unless I know them well and know they’re decent non-judgy people.

I know the issue is mine and about self esteem. Just wanted to say I understand.

Sounds like the area I live in. Personally I would prefer to be invited to a smaller home and be made to feel welcome than not invited at all! X

thatsquiteenough absolutely