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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu? To be embarrassed by my modest home...

223 replies

btfly2 · 29/03/2018 00:59

I admit that. I'm embarrassed about where I live and I'm too embarrassed to invite people around.
Small and very affluent village, mostly middle class families at the local school.
Fear of my kids's friends parents and now I've become reclusive and I feel sad for my children integrate well.
Sorry but cannot help to feel this way and I don't know how to overcome this sad situation. Have you ever been in a similar situation..?

OP posts:
Gardai · 29/03/2018 08:29

I lived in a small house in a rough area when dd was younger, I too was embarrassed as all her friends at school had big houses etc. The surrounding area was posh as was her school.
Anyway circumstances have changed, we moved to different area, lovely house (still small but in a naice area) and DD said to last week the years spent in the old house were the happiest and most secure she ever felt. Turns out she simply loved the place !
Also visitors liked it too...it was my lack of confidence ultimately.
I wasted a lot of time worrying about nothing.

SnooSigh · 29/03/2018 08:31

People are going to know which house you live in, if you invite them in or not.

My friend moved to our village and her parents lived in a small terraced cottage. They were both investment bankers.

Middleoftheroad · 29/03/2018 08:32

It's all relative. My cousin had a 'modest' two bed flat in Ascot. It was worth more than any house I have ever or will ever own!

Is your house modest as in you've paid premium for shoe box in pricey area or do you live on the fringes of said village? Either way be happy you are in a great area/school.

My last house was small abd not in the nicest part of town yet we got so much more for our money and when dc friends came back they didn't care that their friends all lived in 300k plus houses across town. We've since moved to a bigger house but damn I miss that little house every single day!

MismatchedStripySocks · 29/03/2018 08:33

I hear you OP. My house is a right dive and I won’t have people over. But it’s a rental so of course the minions are going to get scabby carpets and peeling paint. Can’t wait to buy!

LoniceraJaponica · 29/03/2018 08:34

If it is clean and tidy, and you are welcoming it doesn't matter what size your home is.

DD's boyfriend lives in a less salubrious area, and his family have never allowed their boys to have friends home. I don't know whether it is because they live in a more modest house or not, but the perception is that they are unsociable, unfriendly and unwelcoming. For the record there is nothing wrong with his house.

DD's friends and all of my friends think his parents are weird because no-one ever goes to their house. DD has been going out with him for over 2 years and has only once - yes just once, been invited to tea at his house. The boyfriend spends a lot of time at our house instead.

justanotheruser18 · 29/03/2018 08:35

I hope you are able to change your own mind. I understand why you might feel embarrassed if other people have 'more' than you, but you are not less than anyone. Love what you have. Don't waste any more time wishing it was some other way. Stuff is just stuff. We're all the same underneath it all and anyone who is judgemental about your modest home is a dick. But you're also silly for shutting yourself off from other people because of the size of your house.

Original poster
btfly2 · 29/03/2018 08:36

Thank you for your kind words. I know I have to be brave but is not easy. Some people are genuine lovely and some people can be very difficult and make a clear difference between the haves and the have nots and I know it by experience in the area where we live at the moment. I feel sad a lot but thank you again for your support. You mumsnetters are amazing :)

OP posts:
CoraPirbright · 29/03/2018 08:36

Anyone who judges you on the size of your house is a tosspot who doesnt deserve your friendship!

Quite often, smaller houses are much better. Let’s be honest, how many really lovely sunny days do we have in this country? A couple of weeks at most - the rest of the time its a bit miserable so a lovely, cosy smaller house is the very best thing. We live in a fairly big old house and I am cold and damp 90% of the time plus you would die laughing if you knew how much we paid in bills and upkeep!! As long as your house is clean-ish and tidy-ish, I wouldnt give a toss and anyone who does is a twat!!

pomadas87 · 29/03/2018 08:39

Ah go easy on yourself - I understand. I was embarrassed growing up of our little house and didn't want to invite friends over, it made my mum sad.
I realise now that it doesn't matter at all and all that's important is the warmth of your welcome. Try not to worry what people think because sharing in hospitality is one of life's great pleasures - even if just a cuppa with a neighbour in your kitchen!

Use the old adage - the people that mind don't matter, and the people that matter don't mind.

If anyone judges your house then they're not kind - simple as that.

FleurDelacoeur · 29/03/2018 08:40

how to overcome this sad situation

It's not a sad situation. You are projecting your own feelings onto other people. You have no idea what other people will think/feel/say and you're assuming. This is a choice. You could choose to take the "this is me, take it or leave it, happy to be your friend" attitude, or you can carry on with the "poor little me, it's all so sad" attitude.

Your choice.

LoniceraJaponica · 29/03/2018 08:43

A close friend lives in a house that needs a lot of work, but I don't judge her for it. whenever I visit her she gives me a hug and puts the kettle on. That is worth more than anything to me.

Sara107 · 29/03/2018 08:46

I feel for you op, but don't be ashamed - your home is your home. I live in an expensive village with beautiful expensive houses. Ours is an old council house and very in need of decoration (and cleaning, tidying and decluttering!). I would quite like to hide, but it's not fair on dD. You just have to invite kids around to play and whatever you do, don't apologise about your house! Be friendly, offer the parents a cup of tea when they collect / drop off and you will be fine. I have only had one parent go chilly after seeing our home!

SluttyButty · 29/03/2018 08:50

I think many people here have said what I feel. I couldn't care a jot about the size of someone's house or their furnishings, what's important to me is that A.they've actually invited me round (no one ever does this to me) and B.the house being welcoming and has that cosy,happy vibe.
There's a reason I have very few friends, we moved to this area a few years ago and I lived in a village with the haves and have nots, couldn't stand it. So we moved and I'm far happier now in a smaller house but more of a community feel.

Emmasmum2013 · 29/03/2018 08:53

Are you sure this is just to do with your home? I worry that you're using phrases such as "I've become reclusive". Do you maybe suffer from a bit of anxiety or depression that it might be worth seeing the Dr about?

Everyone's home is different. Mine is a total shithole (kids stuff seems to have taken over nearly every room of the house now) but I still have my friends over. If they judge you by what decor you have then they're not worth having as friends are they? Don't stress over it and please don't worry. If you really don't want people over then maybe try to organise a play date in a play centre or somewhere for the kids?

PerfectlyDone · 29/03/2018 08:53

some people can be very difficult and make a clear difference between the haves and the have nots and I know it by experience in the area where we live at the moment.

And isn't that marvellous, how people go out of their way to tell you who to avoid like the plague?! Grin

I have lived in tiny houses and in large houses.

It made hee-haw difference to my social life tbh.
I agree with PP, it's all about the welcome and that will come if you find a way to feel confident about your home (it's not the home that has to change, it's your low confidence wrt it).

Holycrapwhatnow · 29/03/2018 08:57

We lived in a two bed apartment with two kids and we never had anyone comment. Now we have a big house and people do comment how lovely it is - but I'd swap back to our old flat in a second if DH would consider it (and didn't have DD3 on the way), a our big home cost so much to renovate and now maintain so we both work endlessly, it is hard to keep tidy and clean and sometimes makes me feel more distant from my DH as we are often in different rooms of an evening - plus my DCs are at a very mixed local primary and I feel awkward having over DD's friends from the local estate. I would never think twice about going to a small home. It's the people not the house!

PerfectlyDone · 29/03/2018 08:59

Oh, and you don't have to be 'brave' and it's not a 'sad situation' - you are projecting your low self-esteem on other people.

Are you happy otherwise? Within yourself? And where you live??
Thanks

LimonViola · 29/03/2018 09:02

Whenever I see a massive beautiful house and feel a bit bad I live in a small rented flat, I always remember that that small rented flat (and having the income to pay for it) is a massive luxury that literally millions of people across the world don't have. People die for lack of clean water, daily, and I have a roof that doesn't leak, a warm cosy bed, food in the cupboards, multiple taps running safe water and working electricity.

I'm not usually one for the 'you can't feel bad cos someone else always has it worse', but that is the thought process that happens almost automatically now every time! And it does work. And then I feel incredibly lucky and amazed at my own fortune to go home to my tiny rented flat.

LillianGish · 29/03/2018 09:03

They say comparison is the thief of joy - it doesn’t matter where others live and says nothing about what’s going on in the rest of their lives, what matters is that you feel and happy and cosy in your own home. My MIL lived in a tiny house (and it wasn’t in the best of order either) but it was always full of people dropping in for tea or staying for dinner even though many of her friends (and she had a lot) lived in much grander houses because it was so warm and welcoming and you always felt at home there My SIL refused to stay there ever on the grounds it was too poky - personally I felt it was her loss and my kids always loved going to stay with their granny (I don’t think it even occurred to them that the house was on the small side). It said far more about her than about my MIL’s house. Funnily enough when my MIL died she and BIL bought the house which they now rent out (almost as if they realised too late and were trying to compensate for what they had missed). All that matters is that you love your house and that it is warm and welcoming then others will love you (and your house) too.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 29/03/2018 09:04

I feel your pain - some of my friends and DS's friends live in much bigger and nicer houses than ours. However, I've always dealt with it by inviting new people around as soon as they look like becoming friends. If they showed any sign of turning their noses up, I could then drop them without wasting any more time. I must say no one ever has though!

Nor do I have a problem with the homes of DS's friends which are shabby (but clean) rented flats. You absolutely can't tell the quality of a person by where they live.

Snowmagedon · 29/03/2018 09:08

I couldn't care less, we have modest home, pils treat us with disdain.. As though we are missing out, even if I won lottery I wouldn't buy huge home, both dh and I see scardy cats Grin we would be scared in large house. Four bed with few extra rooms would be perfect.

I went to private school, hugely range of homes from council, small modest to much larger and pool, none of us made friends after a house and wealth questionnaire. Friends first... It's how most things will always be.

I also have relatives with large range of houses, I must say one set had massive chips on shoulder about people getting above themselves!!

Snowmagedon · 29/03/2018 09:10

What I turn my nose up at is neurotic home owners who stand over me whilst taking my shoes off and make me feel uncomfortable, whether that happens in mobile home or mansion. Grin

FrangipaniBlue · 29/03/2018 09:13

All my friends and DS friends parents live in big fancy houses, mines a 2up 2down end of terrace that we extended to make more room.

I have noticed the looks from DS friends parents when they see my house (I think they expect more because I have my own business and earn a lot) but I don't care.

I've had my house since I was 18, my mortgage is TINY and will soon be paid off (I'm only 37).

They all have enormous mortgages that they'll be paying for well into retirement, I on the other hand have a fuckton of disposable income and can do/buy more or else anything I, DH or DS want.

"A house is made from boards and beams, a home is made from love and dreams"

I prefer to spend my money enjoying life, not paying for bricks and mortar.

Don't let it bother you OP Smile

Appuskidu · 29/03/2018 09:14

Clean and cosy are more important to me in a house, than it being big!

Pandoraphile · 29/03/2018 09:16

I lived in a tiny house that I absolutely HATED for ten years. It was clean and warm, but I wasn't afraid of being judged - I WAS judged. I had comments like "you need a one in, one out policy,", "I don't know HOW you live in such a tiny house", etc. I had one (jumped up, snobby) 'friend' who actually stopped the friendship when she saw my house! No great loss though, the biggest achievement in her life was marrying a surgeon!! Who had to work all the hours God sent and then more besides to pay their million pound mortgage and fund the XC Volvo she decided that she needed.