Aibu? To be embarrassed by my modest home...

[btfly2]

I admit that. I'm embarrassed about where I live and I'm too embarrassed to invite people around.
Small and very affluent village, mostly middle class families at the local school.
Fear of my kids's friends parents and now I've become reclusive and I feel sad for my children integrate well.
Sorry but cannot help to feel this way and I don't know how to overcome this sad situation. Have you ever been in a similar situation..?

Hi @btfly2 I'm sorry you feel this way. I really do think though that anyone who is a nice person would never in a million years judge someone because they live in a smaller less expensive house. Myself and DH are probably in one of the least impressive homes in his friendship group but I still had people over for a get together. I admit I felt a bit conscious beforehand but I gave the place a good clean, lit some scented candles (I'm not saying scented candles are the answer to all of life's problems!) and made sure our home looked tidy and welcoming. Don't be ashamed of your home- I don't think visitors will be scrutinising it and if they are then that's their issue!

Very easy to fall into this materialistic trap of comparing your own situation unfavourably to that others and then feeling bad about yourself. Anyone who would judge you on where you live is not worth knowing and it does not matter what they think. It rarely does matter what other people think.

Its what someone is are that matters not what they have. Its far more reasonable to learn to like the things that you have got and to appreciate them; after all we are living in one of the most prosperous countries in the world and everyone in the UK is well off to an extent.

I agree with @Puffycat.

I'm not saying scented candles are the answer to all of life's problems!

Noooooo my life is a lie!!!!!!!

Anone that judges you because of how small your house is is a dick. How clean it is fine but not how big. Their kids wont care life is not a competition really try to work hard on caring less about what people think if you especially if their not close family or freinds.

Just get on and invite people round. I’d much rather visit a smaller and more relaxed home than some stuffy massive showhome place where I’m scared I’ll spill my cuppa and disgrace myself! Your DC friends sure as heck won’t notice that it’s modest, they’ll think it’s super cool especially if they’ve not been before. Kids always like the most random things about friends’ houses. Having a friendly host is literally all that matters x

I understand how you feel! We don't have a tiny house, but it's not very big and it's rented. When I started my new job my colleagues were all talking about the houses they own and rent out, and I felt utterly useless for awhile. But then I realised that it'll be a long time until DH and I can afford any sort of mortgage, especially with a 4yo and one on the way, and there's not much I can do about it. As much as I'd love to buy our own house, it's not going to happen for years.

So now I'm embracing our perfectly adequate house which, although it's owned by someone else, is our home and nobody else's. It's a bit of a mess but we have a young daughter. She likes her house and so do we!

I live in a big house too, and have plenty of friends with smaller houses (almost all) and couldn't care less about it. We are friends because we like each other.

Sometimes I feel self conscious about my house, as everyone always seems to expect it to be 'perfect' and of course it isn't with children and dogs and general life.

The pressure you are describing happens across the board and it mustn't stop you being proud of your home, your life and getting friends together.

Personally I choose carefully whom I am friends with, so they are not judgemental and don't make me feel uncomfortable, you should do the same. Carefully pick out the kindest parents in the group and meet somewhere neutral to start, just coffees and walks to the park with the kiddies. When you feel more confident invite them over for a salad and a glass of wine. Gradually you will feel more confident. Take your time.

Try to be brave for your children's sake, and even if you can't face having people to your house make sure you meet up in other places so they are seeing lots of their friends.

I feel so similar to you, it has taken me a long time to master it and even know I get nervous if anyone arrives. We are all human, they are not strangers waiting to hurt you, but friends in waiting. Give them a try, you might be pleasantly surprised for you and for your lovely home

A house is made from boards and beams, a home is made from love and dreams

Maybe you could get a shedload of those signs you can hang up with inspirational sayings like this, and put them in the hall, basically giving any potentially stuck-up visitors the instant message that their home is probably inferior as they are not as nice as you

Don't worry about this. It's your home and as long as it's welcoming, warm and friendly, who cares about it being a modest size? Many a large house is not 'homely' - too big and barn like.

My house is small (in fact the smallest of all my friends) and there's not enough room to swing a cat - but my friends like coming round because it's cosy, arty and a bit quirky. Plus conversation and lashings of tea. That really is all you need.

When my dd started in Reception years ago she made a lovely new friend and I hit it off with her Mum as well
They used to come to our house quite regularly but I was never invited there and if dd was the Mum would always bring her home.
After a while it seemed odd so I “insisted” on collecting dd from her house and the Mum got very upset because she didn’t want me to see her flat. It was above their business and in fact it was fine( much cleaner than my house) but she felt embarrassed because we live in a 4 bedroom detached house
My main concern was whether I had come across as such a huge snob that she thought I would care about her flat rather than the fact she didn’t live in a big house.
Anyway, the girls (and us) are still friends and we laugh about it now

Also, my dd is now at Private School and many of her friends havemuch bigger houses than us so it’s all relative a danybody who cares about your house shouldn’t be invited to it

My nicest friends do not live in mansions. Some of the most unpleasant people I know do. I know who I rather visit and spend time with.

When DH left he helped us find a house. The house needed lots of work which he said he would do (builder) Then I found out about the OW and a fairly amicable split turned bad. I was left with a shell of a house and no money and very little furniture. I was ashamed to have anybody but family and very close friends over. Then one day my friend's brother told me he loved spending time at my house as it was so warm and relaxed. That made me so happy.

.

I would not be friends with someone who judged me on the size of my house.

End of.

my house is tiny and a bit shabby, due to personal circumstances I am not able to make all singing all dancing changes to it. And frankly I don't want to.

But my god has this place been a sanctuary to me, I am so greatful I have had this little shabby house to come home to everyday, so I can shut the door on the world and take a hot bath and have a good cry or be quiet or to entertain my friends or for my kids friends to come over, or to spend lazy days with my kids.

I have friends with beautiful massive houses, and I love to admire them, but that does not make my house any less to me. It meets my family's needs and it is such a happy household.

And I've yet to meet anyone to turn down an invitation to mine because it isn't splendid. There's far less chance of anyone breaking anything expensive so people (kids especially) really enjoy coming to mine. A friend once said to me after she had to stay with me, Gosh fuzzy, I didn't feel like a visitor you really make it feel like home.

It is lovely to be welcomed into someone's home, however big/small/shabby/messy.

Please please don't let this stop you inviting people over. Start with the children. They'll remember stuff like yours is the house where they built a big den, or had icecream and sprinkles, or that your child had bunk beds, or you did a BBQ for tea. If any parents are rude enough to turn up and judge, then that says more about them than you, but I bet they are mostly nice.

You may get some comments from children like "your house is quite small" but you can get that living anywhere, including a large 4 bed detached! It only stings if they are saying what you already think. Just say "yes it is but we like it" or "yes it's smaller than your house but it suits us" or something.

We tell the children there are always people better off than us and people less well off - not necessarily financially but in maths ability, book ownership, talent for hula hooping, size of family, anything. There's no value judgement on any of these things, it's not how we measure people (apart from maybe the hula hooping, if you ask DS).

I know how you feel and I sometimes feel the same way (but it doesn't stop me inviting friends over). All of my friends without exeption have met their partners and gone through the typical flat, small house, bigger house, even bigger and better house! Whereas I met my DH when he was separated with a young child, he had managed to buy a small-ish ex-council house in the not so nice part of the estate. I had left my ex and a lovely house and moved in with DH. We have done so much to the house to make it better but there is still a long way to go. We don't have the space really for overnight guests but it's fun when we do (air beds in the lounge, kids all in together etc). But everyone says they love coming to our house as it's always fun, we are always welcoming and they love the little quirky touches we have added. I get so jealous when i go to visit friends who are in their amazing houses with en-suites, downstairs toilets, playrooms etc etc but I know that this isn't the life for us due to the circumstances of us getting together. On the flipside we have a teeny mortage and a lot of our improvements have been done for minimal money, just a lick of paint here and there for example. A home really is what you make of it and I try to accept that this is where we are staying, and be happy with my life here. Hopefully you can come to do the same.

Yes, I've been in a very similar situation. I used to live in a village, on a council estate surrounded by huge, expensive houses - lots of footballers wives types in the playground, a few swimming pools etc. I was doing my house up at the time and it was covered in woodchip wallpaper and very old fashioned inside and I was a bit embarassed. The other mums used to call me, and another mum off the estate the "clever ones" as I was doing post graduate study and she spoke 4 languages but I thought it was a kind of patronising was of saying "you're not quite one of us but you're kind of acceptable" - I used to think they were quite snobby and shallow and kept myself to myself.

One of the glamorous mums (but older than me as I was a young mum) sought me out as both our Dcs were friends (two each, 2 years apart, in the same year) and started to invite me round to her huge, beautiful, perfect home. I found out she was actually lovely, she became a regular visitor at my house and we ended up going through very painful break ups at a similar time. We became very close, eventually I helped her move out of her (unhappy) mansion and into a tiny 2 bed house - certainly not as glam as her previous home but she was much happier there. Eventually, we both moved away from the area but still live quite nearby and over 15 years later we are still close and see each other when we can.

@ravenmum I bloody hate those big wall arts but it is printed in a very modest picture frame and hung in my even more modest front porch 😆😆😆🙈🙈🙈

I was definitely a bit embarrassed of my small rental as it was ugly and had damp and we had no money to put our mark on it.
However I had friends who lived in nicer houses but all worked very long hours and moaned about debt and mortgage prices.
We quietly saved and finally managed to buy a slightly bigger place and having bought expensive furniture, slowly, cheap on eBay, I'm extremely proud of my house now.
My dc friends parents have bigger nicer places, but one rents, the other works long hours and her husband works away. My dh works from home and I work part time. We don't have debt.

I know exactly how you feel.

Our area is a mixed bag but mostly very affluent. We're very not!

Most of our kids' friends are 'big money' and live in huge houses. I don't want what they have - I like my wee house - but I found myself dreading anyone coming because I was embarrassed for my children even though I knew it didn't really matter.

When our daughter left primary I found myself thinking "Please meet "normal" friends who live in "normal" houses

I knew she hadn't got my mental memo when I met one of her new school friends for the first and, talking about the big freeze of 2010, she said, "Oh yes, our lake froze that year." Lake? LAKE?!! Who has a lake??

Turns out not just lake but substantial forest, acres and acres and a MASSIVE house.

I did wonder what she'd made of our tiny house and postage stamp garden when I dropped her off and realised where she lived but I don't worry now. She loves coming to ours - it's about the kids' friendships not property that matters so I try not to let it bother me and do what I can to get the kids together with friends.

Incidentally, when I met DDs other new friend, her house made Lake Forest Friend's house look like a tiny bungalow. They have staff. Daughter not a bit bothered and just laughs at the fact she still gets lost going to the loo at her mate's and ribs her about having a butler.

I absolutely get where you're coming from - feel it myself - but people mostly don't think anything of it and the ones who perhaps do are really not worth bothering about.

I keep our shoe box clean and tidy (ish ) and decorate it making the most of what we have - with emphasis on charm rather than grand.

I take a deep breath and keep telling myself No one cares, no one cares, it's only bricks and mortar...

Don't isolate yourself or your kids over the head of it. Be brave.

I think being brave is the right description if you have got into a state about this and have got used to not inviting people round. You have to take the plunge.

I can empathise with this, OP. I live in a small maisonette that is always a bit cluttered and untidy, due to lack of space & time. We're in a very affluent area, and most of the other families have houses to die for.

When my son started at reception I went through the angst of having to invite other school parents after play dates and so on. I remember going nuts tidying and cleaning before every play date and trying to make my flat look like someone else's home... but after a while it's not really sustainable and I decided at some point to give up pretending to be people that we're not.

The truth is we are a somewhat messy family with young kids and full time jobs and a small but happy home, full of too many books and crafty clutter and toys and coats hanging on banisters and school uniforms inevitably drying on radiators.

Once you come out the other side of the angst, there's something very liberating about letting people take you as you are. I still have to tidy up every time, as you would for any guest, but I no longer worry about the fact that my place is small or that my toddler has scribbled on the wall all down the hallway or my knackered kitchen looks like it has time travelled in from an early 90s disaster movie.

The interesting thing is that the kids don't care one jot - my son's friends often beg to come and play because there is some particular toy or game that they only get to play at our house, or because they don't have pets and we have two friendly cats. And the other parents have been nothing but gracious. (I'd still kill for one of their gorgeous houses, obv!)

'Anyone who judges you on the size of your house is a tosspot who doesnt deserve your friendship!'

This ^ is soooo true!
I've lived in the full range of house /flat sizes... I refuse to apologise for the size... My cooking is a different matter...

What I've learnt : it's the warm welcome that's the most important...

If I'm honest: the only thing I would be slightly judgey is if the place was filthy

Just because someone has a huge house will often mean they are hugely over-stretched financially....

It's just 'stuff'.... People and experiences are so much more interesting /worthwhile!

Please enjoy your home and invite people into it!

to be blunt, I barely notice the size of a house, I would notice the area where it is. Not to judge as such, but I wouldn't let my kids go to some parts of town, regardless of the size of the property.

Apart from that, i couldn't care less. You might own your place, rent it, be in the middle of renovating another property and live in a studio flat in the meantime, who cares. I don't care what people think of my home either. It's as tidy as I like it, I don't make special efforts for guests, if people don't like it, they can leave and never come back.

As long as you like your home, why should you care what anyone else think, they don't live there anyway.