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Original poster

To ask when you first had visitors following childbirth

259 replies

Blythwind · 28/03/2018 14:54

My DH is planning on allowing/encouraging friends and family to visit as soon as we are back (or even whilst I am still in) hospital following the birth of our first child. He has a very large family so it's not just his parents.

I'd rather wait a week or so, whilst I recover a bit from c-sec, and whilst we adjust to our new life, before everyone starts trooping in. I'd like to set the expectation, by telling people we will let them know when we are ready for visitors (so they don't just turn up).

He says I'm being unreasonable/rude/cruel. Am I??

OP posts:
breastfeedingdrivingmecrazy · 29/03/2018 09:35

On day 3, after a c section, our first day at home from hospital, while I was trying to hold back the tears, my MIL came around with a coldsore. I am still furious at her selfishness that put her seeing the baby ahead of my and my baby's health.

Shufflebumnessie · 29/03/2018 12:31

With DS my parents and in-laws first met him when he was about 36 hours old. He was born early hours, we left the hospital late afternoon and they came the following mid-morning.

With DD, family met her when she was about 12 hours old. She was born just before midnight (at home) and my in-laws arrived at about 10am. They left at 12.30, and my parents arrived at 1pm (& then stayed overnight as they live much further away).

We're lucky in that it was only our parents that we needed to consider. If it was hordes of extended family I think our approach would have been very different.

Stickerrocks · 29/03/2018 12:48

DD was born at 5.00am. MiL was an in patient in another part of the hospital and was wheeled over after chemo. My BiL & SiL (who were visiting her from 500 miles away) popped in at 2pm to meet their niece before flying home. I was grateful for the company as DH had gone back to work in another part of the hospital at 9am.

I stayed in for 2 nights and went home on Saturday. My next door neighbour arrived with a present. My mum & dad I'd 400 mile round trip the next day. Every visit was gratefully relieved, as as soon as they left, I had nobody local to visit. DH Didn't get paternity leave, so I was completely alone and loathed the isolation & not knowing what to do with a squawky baby.

mellongoose · 29/03/2018 13:00

My baby met all her grandparents whilst we were still in the pool with the umbilical cord attached! I have the photos to prove it (heavily cropped for public consumption)!

Mari50 · 29/03/2018 13:06

I gave birth to my dd at 2.32am and my partners mother turned up at 5.30am!! How she got into the ward I have no idea.

silkpyjamasallday · 29/03/2018 13:13

My parents and younger brother came to the hospital about 20 minutes after I’d given birth to drop off my pillows, I was still in a bit of a daze sitting naked on the bed in a load of bloody sheets, apparently DB was scarred Grin In laws came to the hospital the next morning and then every single day once we were at home. It was not fun having guests who expected to be waited on over on a daily basis, but I didn’t really know how to put my foot down without offending so when I’d had enough I’d just disappear off to bed with the baby and we would both ‘fall asleep’ to avoid hours of entertaining (this was a very effective tactic), especially when FIL turned up drunk with his new girlfriend who was also too drunk to be around a baby Angry. I wish I could have had more time with just our little family of three, and more time to unpack, we moved house two days after she was born and that aspect plus constant visitors was a nightmare.

This time with a new baby is precious and your DH should respect your decision, it is you who will have just had a pretty huge operation and a life changing event to recover from. Get him onside and make sure he will follow through with what you want to happen. People can wait a week or so to see the baby, it won’t make any difference to them whether they see the baby straight away or have to wait a bit.

windchimesabotage · 29/03/2018 13:21

'my dh is planning on allowing...' OH IS HE NOW? When is he due with his baby then?

Please realise that it is him who is being cruel/rude to you.

You will be going through a potentially very difficult time. It may of course be completely fine and you may welcome visitors straight away.... it may however be very traumatic in any number of ways and you may not feel up to seeing anyone at all for some time afterwards. Its YOU who is going to go through this so it should be YOU who gives the go ahead to any visitors... and he should be waiting to see how you actually feel at the time as should any potential visitors who have any decency at all.

NowApparently · 29/03/2018 14:03

I said I wanted a week before anyone else got to meet my daughter as I wasn't sure how I would be with the adjustment you make when you become a parent. Roll on 5 hours after giving birth, I invited my family up to the hospital to meet her. I was absolutely fine and up to having visitors. It's all up to you and entirely dependant on how you and baby are doing.

boomboom1234 · 29/03/2018 14:34

I have had two c sections and i only wanted my husband there for the first 24 hours.

You will have a catheter in and won't be able to get up for at least 8 hours and then you need time to try to walk around and go to the toilet etc. Last thing you want is people you are not comfortable with around you as you will be trying to manage your pain and focus on a new baby.

I had family pop in for 20 mins 24 hours after the c section then other close family five days later to the house. They bought lunch and cakes with then and only stayed for an hour or so.

Fronds was after two weeks once husband was back at work.

Xenadog · 29/03/2018 14:39

OP, it totally depends on how you feel. I’d say that you won’t know how you feel until the time so let everyone know you aren’t booking them in for visits just yet but once you have had your baby and are ready for visitors you will let them know.

DH needs to be on board with this, after a baby you need someone to be the gatekeeper and this should be him. If you think he isn’t going to understand or be supportive I’d speak to your midwife and get her to tell him he needs to put your wishes above all others.

I had my dd by planned csec and about 6 hours later had my sister, her husband and grown up nephew at the hospital. That suited me but if I hadn’t felt up to visitors they would have been told and only invited when I said so. DP was onside with everything and that’s how it should be. Good luck!

Orangecake123 · 29/03/2018 14:49

No your not being cruel.

You need to be firmer with your husband. It's up to you when you want visitors round.

Aliasgrace1 · 29/03/2018 15:41

If I have any more I will not be allowing visitors for at least a week.

Had my twins by c section, quite traumatic. I told ex that I didn't want any visitors on the day I had them. His dad and brother just turned up! Thankfully lovely midwife sent them away.

I remember having my c section scar checked at home with the community midwife and visitors were just coming in the room! It was awful, some people are so selfish Hmm

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 29/03/2018 15:46

With one dc family were there already as I had been in labour 2 days. I was shattered but it was nice to see them as they were concerned. With the others family and friends came the same day to visit in hospital.

Once at home I staggered visitors ( that weren't family ) as I was tired.

GinUnicorn · 29/03/2018 16:28

We said we would wait a week before any visitors so we could get used to being parents. Great decision. It's a shock. MIL came day8 DM Day 10.
SILs pretty annoying. First thought they would visit with 3 young children in our tiny flat. Fitting 7 people would be a squash on normal circumstances. Also kept making hilarious jokes about stealing dd. Just what a new mother wants to hear.

elefunk · 29/03/2018 16:30

Felt the same as you, but having them visit in the hospital was a lot easier, they couldn't stay too long because of visiting hours, and I didn't feel like I had to 'entertain' like I would have at home.

BertrandRussell · 29/03/2018 17:03

Do also bear in mind that there are two of you. No reason at all why you can't retire to bed and leave your dp to deal with visitors. Babies are born into families.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 29/03/2018 17:14

Do also bear in mind that there are two of you. No reason at all why you can't retire to bed and leave your dp to deal with visitors. Babies are born into families.

I agree BertrandRussell but this doesn't seem to be the consensus on MN. I've never known anyone in RL wait a week to let friends or family see their baby.

JellyJ · 29/03/2018 17:14

Same day and next day. My parents and MIL. I think it's nice for them to meet their grandchild as a soon as possible. But I wanted them to come, enjoyed having them and no one stayed too long. I wasn't inundated with visitors apart from them and had plenty of quiet time at home with the baby in the days and weeks following.

LadyLoveYourWhat · 29/03/2018 17:14

My best friend and parents-in-law (who lived half an hour away) visited in hospital during the first day, I can't imagine having it otherwise - they were only there a little while and we were on a bit of a high, so it was lovely to see them. We didn't have a car at the time, so my in-laws drove us home a couple of days later, but only stayed for a cuddle and a cup of tea. My mum and dad (lived 200 miles away) were another matter, I didn't want them down straight away, because my mum had already made comments and was hard work when she came to stay so I knew it would be a nightmare. My sister though I was desperate to have down to stay. It depends on how you feel and what the visitors are like really - the ones who will help you, rather than expect looking after and who will know when to go home are fine and of course grandparents are going to be excited! Hard to give the message that some people are welcome and some aren't though...

SemiConsciousRobot · 29/03/2018 18:36

I've never known anyone in RL wait a week to let friends or family see their baby.

I can't imagine anything worse than having my family descend on us in those precious first few days. It really depends on what your family are like. Yours may be lovely and supportive but not everybody has that. We insisted on no visitors for two weeks and even then I was dreading it and was so relieved when they finally left.

ikeepaforkinmypurse · 29/03/2018 18:44

No reason at all why you can't retire to bed and leave your dp to deal with visitors.

Plenty of reasons , some families are lovely and will be respectful, others will insist on keeping the baby when the mum goes for a rest.
Some families come to bring help, others are just selfish who think they have some weird rights about cuddling a baby without any respect for the mother.

BertrandRussell · 29/03/2018 18:46

The grandpardntswould have to be awful to be made to wait two weeks to meet their new grandchild! If they were that bad, I don't think I'd have them at all.

ikeepaforkinmypurse · 29/03/2018 18:50

some posters have horrendous MIL or even parents. I can see why not everybody is ready to entertain after major surgery. Why should the wish of visitors trump the wishes of the mother

BertrandRussell · 29/03/2018 18:57

If they are horrrndous then don't have them at all.

BertrandRussell · 29/03/2018 18:59

"some posters have horrendous MIL or even parents." Grin

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